Netflix, Amazon and Google Are Literally About to Change Everything
08.24.17
Collage by Emily Zirimis

Technology can be as frustrating as it is convenient, which is compounded by the fact that it often progresses before we can adapt, in ways we don’t even want. I’ve developed some cynicism around our “there’s an app for that” culture as a result. Not all changes make me roll my eyes, though. Sometimes a brand surprises me by giving me exactly what I want and need. Below are seven such product and service offerings slotted to arrive in the next year. Let me know if you agree that they’re genius and keep your eye out for these in 2018!

NetflixHome by Netflix

I’m sick of paying for all these different streaming services and having no idea where to go if I want to watch a certain show. The disparate $7 charges add up! That’s why I was thrilled when I heard that Netflix would soon be introducing NetflixHome, a service that enables customers to get all their favorite TV shows in one place, with one monthly payment of $30. I can’t wait to just turn on my TV and flip through a single set of categories with one remote. Such a relief. This is what TV should feel like!

AmazonCorner by Amazon

I’m obsessed with Amazon, but waiting two days for essentials like new batteries and gum is such a drag. I’m a modern woman and I’m in a mother-fucking hurry. Rumors are swirling that soon Amazon will be testing a new vertical called AmazonCorner, where they’ll be installing small pop-ups around popular New York intersections so fans of the site can browse their offerings IRL and buy things on the spot. It’s convenience, materialized. Crossing my fingers there will be one in Bushwick!

GoogleBook by Google

The internet is increasingly becoming a cesspool of misinformation. Whenever I ask Google a particular question, I get 7,000 different answers. All that online research keeps me on my phone so much more than I’d like to be. When I heard that Google would soon be releasing GoogleBook, a physical volume with its selection of the best answers to the world’s most burning questions, I immediately preordered one. It sounds so nice to have something in my hands that can teach me something. I know little about the book so far, except that it will be in alphabetical order by topic to make for easy searching. Excited!

FreshLocal by FreshDirect

FreshDirect was an incredible idea — I love being able to grocery shop from home or at work, but sometimes, the lag time in delivery can throw a wrench in my meal prep plans. FreshLocal, which is soon to be announced by FreshDirect, is a new service that will enable you to load up your cart online during your planning process, then just head into a local FreshDirect warehouse, pick out your groceries and take them home right then and there. Fast, easy, immediate. It’s a perfect idea and I’ll certainly be trying it out before my next dinner party!

DeltaGround by Delta

Booking air travel these days has become a real nightmare. If the flights weren’t expensive enough, the add-on fees for every little thing are increasingly driving me to hermitude. Sometimes I’m not looking for the fastest flight; I just want ease and comfort and a reasonable price. DeltaGround, which is said to be Delta’s newest venture, just might manage to strike that balance. With a brand new fleet of road-driving automobiles with top amenities, DeltaGround will reportedly offer transportation that is comfortable, easy and dirt cheap. Plus, beautiful landscape views. What’s a little more time spent en route? Travel’s about to get a whole lot nicer!

TextVoice by Apple

I’m often criticized for writing super long text messages and…I get it. It can be obnoxious and time-consuming to hash out complex plans over text message. That’s why I think the introduction of TextVoice by Apple is such a smart idea. After the next software update, you’ll notice a small mouth icon appear when you’re in the middle of a text conversation that exceeds one minute. If you tap it, you and your friend will be able to simply speak into your phones at each other and finish the conversation by voice. Is that not genius? Will save us so much time and misunderstanding!

UberInstant by Uber

When Uber was recently hacked and its forthcoming service, UberInstant, was scooped, I was on board immediately. Apparently, UberInstant will save customers from the trouble of pulling up their app, calling a car, waiting several minutes, finding the appropriate car and dealing with surge fees. Instead, a new fleet of Uber cars painted an easy-to-spot bright green will be cruising the streets, enabling Uber customers to call upon them immediately by holding up their lit-up phones. Boom: instant car. This is the future, I swear.

Get more Humor ?
  • Sarah

    Uber instant sounds pretty similar to just hailing a cab, but I guess it could be cheaper

    • witchundertones

      It’s satire, uber instant isn’t a real thing. She had me going for the first few as well.

      • Sarah

        I’ll just go find a hole in the ground and hide there now haha 🙈

        • Sarah

          Also relieved that a bunch of other people feel for this

  • Abby

    Okay the first one got me but I figured out this was satire way quicker than I usually do with MR articles.

    • Haley Nahman

      Proud of u

    • Sophie F

      Thank you for pointing this out. I was feeling nauseated at the author’s obsession with convenience, saw your comment, and was like, Oh.
      I’m an airhead. 😀

  • Micah Lpez

    What a time to be alive !!

  • Imaiya Ravichandran

    LMAO STAHP. i was actually really pumped to see what amazon was coming out with next… so THANKS haley. T_T

    • Imaiya Ravichandran

      “textvoice by apple”…..drag me.

      • Haley Nahman

        hahahaha

  • I am tempted to become a Luddite, if becoming one is possible after embracing so much technology. When did relaxing and watching TV become a technology challenge!
    Jandrew
    Dress The Part
    http://www.jandrewspeaks.com

  • lillian c.

    i couldn’t get through it, i know this is satirical but i am still afraid.

  • Jennifer

    As Tom Cruise would say, I’m quite “glib”.

  • Nschne

    This was hilarious and the quote “I’m a modern woman and I’m in a mother-fucking hurry.” is getting used in my next 5 conversations (that would not result in me getting called into HR)

  • witchundertones

    *reading Amazon corner* “why not just go to a corner store? These things already exis–oh.”

    YA GOT ME.

  • Chevi Friedman

    100% thought all this was real until I read the comments. Was thinking how dumb it is that it’s just a phone call, or hailing a cab. Ugh. NetflixHome sounds awesome though tbh.

    • Basil

      I also thought that NetflixHome sounded awesome

      • Brianna Clarke

        “a service that enables customers to get all their favorite TV shows in one place” is just basic cable circa 1999

  • Elizabeth

    Funny thing about Amazon Corner…it’s real and it’s called Amazon Go https://www.amazon.com/b?node=16008589011

  • Kay Nguyen

    The present is already making lazy and the future doesn’t seem too bright for my inner sloth but damn I love it <3

    https://www.myblackcloset.com/

  • Cristina

    Welp, if I learned anything, it’s that I am ENTIRELY too gullible and an embarrassment to myself lol
    I was like “Googlebook… I think they call that a dictionary” and when you got to Textvoice I was like “wtf. There’s already a little mic icon and you can just voice text the whole time!”.
    Ayyiyiyiyiy. Hi I’m old.

  • Jillian Colin

    omfg I thought I was an idiot reading through this, like actually believing you guys were un-ironically posting, excited about these newfound brilliant tech ideas. HA! Really great article xx

  • Jillian Colin

    Tech is feeling very redundant, I wonder where the actual next new new will come from

  • Diana McNeill
  • Hajni

    Where can I pre-order the GoogleBook and will it finally answer why men have nipples?

  • Hannah Nichols

    hahah i was about to comment something like “this all feels like we’re going backwards” but then….

  • yassqueeeen

    Ohhhh my god. Thank god for the comments section.

  • lmfao took me a second there. I literally googled Netflixhome and didn’t understand why I couldn’t find any answers. Ahhhhhhh

    • lovekatiedid

      I’d recommend getting the GoogleBook, I hear it includes all the best answers to our questions 🙂

  • you’re a fucking genius. i am crying.

  • Ash

    I would subscribe to “NetflixHome” in a heartbeat if it meant I could get cable for $30. My cable/internet bill keeps creeping closer to $200 and the company can get away with it because they’re the only service around. 🙁

    • amcrni

      SAME. Low-key really thought Netflix Home was gonna be a legit thing. FOILED.

      • Ash

        I even googled it…

  • Molly

    It took me way too far into this article to realize it was satire….!

  • amazon’s not in australia yet. we still need our corner stores sadly

  • reni

    this was pretty brilliant. but i was ready to believe it because a lot of technology IS redundant

  • Kat

    I totally thought Netflix home was going to be a combo of Netflix, amazon prime and HBO and got excited about watching game of thrones on netflix… got it around the amazon corner though!

  • Oana

    Omg Haley I actually thought this was real! You got me once again. And here I was thinking that whoever would use a TextVoice option over actually taking the phone and calling the person one’s engaged into conversation with is soooo silly. For me that would’ve been peak Millenial nonsense

  • UberInstant sounds suspiciously similar to hailing a cab. . . I mean maybe it is the future. . . maybe I’m just being mean. . .

  • Bo

    I had an inadvertently similar moment at work the other day, a colleague and I were complaining about the amount of cars on the freeway with only one person (the driver) in them. We set up this whole idea about forcing people to use communal, large cars to travel to and from work each day and they could pay a small amount each time for gas, vehicle upkeep, paying the driver etc. also the cars could be like large vans to fit morBUSES WE WERE INVENTING BUSES

    • Hayley

      Laughing so hard at my desk right now from this, thank you.

    • Sam

      Think you’re clever? This was a tweet 3 months ago. Try to be original.

      • Bo

        Mate settle down, you’re talking to someone who doesn’t have twitter or facebook and honestly did have a conversation with someone at work around a few weeks ago. I’ll happily buy a beer for whoever tweeted this first so we can have a laugh together because it sounds like we think the same. Not everything is an attempt to steal credit or ideas from somebody else. Sometimes there are co

  • Beasliee

    I fell for it too, right until the comments! And you know what I don’t blame any of us. This is literally the sort of thing that now passes for technological breakthroughs [insert comments about post-truth / alt facts here]!
    Excellent work Haley 🙂

  • Hayley

    YOU GOT ME

  • Haaaaahahahahahaha

  • So slow, fell for the whole thing! Hahaha!

    http://www.shessobright.com

  • Estée

    Anyone know where to order the GoogleBook?

  • rachel

    Guys I would totally use the delta ground service. I know its a joke about just being able to drive places in our own damn cars but the last time I checked, my car wasn’t filled with “top amenities,” and even if it was I’m driving it and cant really enjoy them. Dear Delta– road trip?

  • Jessica Amento

    I just googled DeltaGround by Delta for 10 minutes….

  • Asia Oparcik

    I don’t really understand how you can support Uber in any form (paid articles or not), here in that kind of space, if it’s such an unheathly organisation for women.

  • Marielle Nicol

    I don’t know if I’m just dense or if the tone of Haley’s sarcastic writing has a level of subtlety that I am simply incapable of picking up on, but this is at least the THIRD article of hers I’ve read and been like ‘what the heck, none of this makes sense, I’m gonna go write a really insightful comment debunking this whole thing’ … and then I see the comments…. and I’m like oh…. the whole thing was a joke …..

    Anyone else?? Feeling pigheaded, looking for a friend.