Millennial Survives Another Day of Nonstop Irony
08.11.17

The first thing I do upon waking up is Instagram a watermarked photo of Guy Fieri looking eagerly at a burger and caption it “literally me.” I let my phone fall on my empty stomach. I stare at the ceiling. I’m very tired. I open Twitter and tweet a photo of a cat hanging from a tree with, “Hang in there ppl.” I drop my phone again.

Feigned optimism coursing through my veins, I pop out of bed and look in the mirror. I’m wearing a Big Dog t-shirt that says, “If You Can’t Run With the Big Dogs Stay on the Porch!” It’s very cool, it used to be my dad’s. I decide to make it my email signature later, because it’s how I feel, tbh. I wonder if I can just wear it to work? I put on some vintage Levi’s and tuck the XXL shirt in. Cute. I take a mirror selfie, my plastic princess phone case clearly visible, and post it on IG stories. “It’s all tru,” I write.

I wander into the kitchen and remember, with delight, that I bought Eggo waffles last night; I’d Snapchatted the grocer ringing them up with the caption “tysm sir.” I love that Eggos are nutritional wastelands. It’s so ’90s. I put two in the toaster and text a boomerang of them popping up to my friend.

“Lmao,” she responds.

“💖,” I write back.

On the train to work, a man steps on my chunky white sneakers. He apologizes, but when he meets my gaze, he looks a little afraid. It must be my tiny sunglasses, which I don’t bother to take off on the train because they’re barely tinted (light orange). They make me look like an alien, in a good way. I give him a hang loose sign. “It’s cool,” I say.

When I get to work, I straighten the “Attitude is Gratitude” poster I hung on the wall behind me last week. It’s so funny. I love it. I take a shitty flash pic of it and make it my Facebook cover photo. My aunt immediately likes it, which is perfect.

Around lunch, I chat my coworker that I’m hungry. She’s hungry, too. “Fuck Sweetgreen, let’s go to McDonald’s,” I write her. She silently lols. We joke that it actually sounds kinda bomb. We decide to go. We Instagram Live the whole thing. I post a photo of my fries after. “Fries r the new kale link in bio,” I write.

When I get back to my desk, I remember that I wanted to change my email signature. I open up Gmail, make the switch and click save. Eager to take my new sig for a spin, I email my friend an article about James Franco remaking Tommy Wiseau’s The Room and write, “Will keep eye out 4 tix.” Underneath my email, in Comic Sans, it reads: “If You Can’t Run With the Big Dogs Stay on the Porch!”

I love it so much.

On my way home from work, I listen to Taylor Swift and text my brother that I’m listening to Taylor Swift unironically. I’m doing it ironically of course, but it’s funnier if I say it’s not ironic. He sends back a video of himself searching Taylor Swift on Spotify, clicking on her “Red” album and turning the infinite repeat function on for the song “22.” “Good idea ty,” I write back.

When I get home, I make myself some vegetables and grilled chicken. I tweet a photo of my plate and write, “Brb updating my LinkedIn.” I pocket my phone, sit down with my dinner and turn on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which I love more than my own mother. I watch an episode. It’s really bad; the worst of humanity. My roommate comes home and asks what I’m watching, I implore her to watch. “It’s cinematic genius,” I tell her, before retreating to my bedroom.

“Bed so soon? It’s only 9 p.m.,” she says.

“Going to bed early is chic now,” I say.

I climb in bed and spend the next three hours scrolling through The Rock’s Instagram, my phone two inches from my face. I make a mental note to preach about The Rock’s virtue next time I’m at dinner with friends. Once I’m tired enough to sleep, I pull up a photo I screenshotted earlier of a poodle in a window that’s been zoomed in from 200 feet away. It’s very blurry, almost indiscernibly a dog. I post it to my account without attribution.

“G’nite,” I caption it, and drift off to sleep.

Illustrations by Juliana Vido; follow her on Instagram @julianavido.

Get more Humor ?
  • Paige Gurski

    This article has me both shaken AND stirred. Me to a tee. thank u for this relatable content but also now I’m scared of myself a little

    • Haley Nahman

      LOL
      I’m also scared of myself

  • Ashley Hamilton

    “tysm sir.” is still the funniest thing I’ve ever read.

  • my aunt immediately likes it, which is perfect.

    • Madison Grace

      fav sentence

    • Mónica Arreola

      This happened to me yesterday!

  • Raven

    I feel attacked but in the best way

    • Haley Nahman

      Same

  • Erica H

    Oh Haley. You have given my Friday so much joy!

  • Ouch. This stings. But in the best way possible

  • Cristina

    I think I would love it if it were true, but I don’t see that tee on your Insta and I don’t believe that you would actually eat McDonald’s, so that’s a bummer.
    But no, I still love it. This is all so true. I’m Marco Polo’ing now instead of actually texting and when I have to text I’m like omggggg this is taking forever I don’t have time for this.
    Also, the other day I heard two people exchanging goods and one said “I’ll just Venmo you”, like it’s a real thing now. #teamcashapp (also, Venmo hasn’t totally surged here as it has in NYC).
    It’s a daily battle between just giving into technological advances or taking a stand against them completely.

    • Lil

      I think you might be missing the whole point of this article.

    • gracesface

      yes!!!! mysterious james dean caption for my about me was killerrrrrrr

  • Annabel

    Bummed that those pics aren’t actually on your Instagram.

  • tmm16

    scarrrrrrrily relatable

  • Elle

    rattled.

  • Jane

    Holy shit this is amazing

  • Diana McNeill

    When does Haley get to be a Senior Editor?

  • Sheely Taylor

    I feel attacked and also deeply understood in a way that is comforting.

  • Bo

    I actually said lol out loud instead of laughing the other day, is this how I die

  • Samantha s

    I just had a flashback to reading “White Noise” in high school English class….this came from the deep recess of my brain and surprised me. This makes me glad to have a semi-corporate job that doesn’t allow me to wear iconic, old (read: ugly) tshirts to work, because I think I would slip into a black hole of sloppiness.

  • This was terrifying. One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich was less terrifying. Or, uh…maybe I mean Brave New World.

  • Anne Caroline Wagner de Mello

    This is genious

  • Thivia Mogan

    Haley, you’re the shit. Love you!

  • Kittybat

    This was really, really fun to read.

  • Emma

    !!aaaaaaaaAAAAaaaaAaah

  • I don’t remember the last time I laughed this hard. Love you Haley.

  • The next time someone tells me they don’t understand my generation, I’m sending them this.

  • This was exhausting! When I read that you used the “hang loose” sign I gasped: “you did not!!!!” Clutching my pearls the entire read.

  • Kay

    please write a book

  • elpug

    brb dying

  • LJ

    I’m a 20-something female. I’ve been gleefully plotting to buy a “World’s Best Grandfather” t shirt at the local thrift store, and then take a selfie for the gram while wearing it. This article was a real wakeup call. WHAT HAVE I BECOME AND WHY!?!?

  • I feel attacked and also deeply understood in a way that is comforting.
    Đất Nền Bình Chiểu

  • I feel attacked and also deeply understood in a way that is comforting.
    Đất Nền Bình Chiểu

  • lillian c.

    holy shit, this reminds me of myself but also the girls i am the most annoyed by. too much! tooooo much

  • Jessy Scarpone

    Gotta say, this is ~unironically~ (pls note the ~~, also unironic) the most riveting article I’ve read in some time. tysm

  • Ashlyn Grace

    I was gonna come down here and say I feel so attacked but apparently I’m not the only one and I don’t plagiarize

  • Lindsey

    omg this is so amazing

  • Greer Clarke

    Hjacking this to ask where are the GoT recaps?!

  • I like this

  • Maria Ines

    Scary

  • beccamu

    “She silently lols.” is my entire existence

  • Rilee

    COMEDY GOLD! I mean that in the best most relatable way.

  • Annie

    I’m clocked and weeping.

  • Katherine Burch

    I think about this post like 10 times a day