15 Haikus About Laughably Mediocre Sex

There are few human experiences more liable to be either incredible or awful than sex between two adults who really just want it to work out. It’s the perfect storm, if you think about it: vulnerability, expectation and so much effort. When it goes wrong, it can be hilarious, horrifying or a little bit of both. But everything is copy, right? Or in this case, poetry.

Above, culled from the friends of team MR, are 15 haikus about sex — the kind that, despite its best efforts, will go down in history as straight-up bad. Click through, laugh, cringe, cry and add your own, if you have one. If you’re still haiku-hungry by the end, then sally forth and explore our poems about virginitypubertyboobs and first kisses.

Quotes designed by Emily Zirimis.

Get more Humor ?
  • He was effing her
    On our kitchen floor; we left:
    WTF!? Then I woke up.

  • Hayley

    The Paris one is making me cackle at my desk. Well done.

  • Debby Azizah Debryana

    Hahaha this is the best!

  • Julia

    He asked “let’s bang?”
    But I had my period and
    a torn ACL

  • Arden

    I had just broken
    my foot but didn’t know, so
    we boned anyway.

  • theresa

    study abroad in
    prague. spoke no English but he
    did know one word: “fuck?”

    • spicyearlgrey

      this not a haiku but i appreciate v v v much

  • This post is everything. I never thought I’d be reading haikus about bad sexual experiences, and now I am, and I wondered how I ever thought I could live without. Thank you MR for keeping it so very real.

    Eire | Wolf & Stag

  • I needed this laugh