Star-Spangled, Mustard-Covered July Horoscopes Are Here!
07.03.17

Alright team, no one panic: our Day One, Susan Miller, is not feeling well. She’s delayed on horoscopes as a result. Normally I’d wait it out (anything to not make a deadline on time!!) but because yours truly is a mere half a Moscow Mule away from being on vacation, I have to write these now and turn them in. That means looking outside our comfort zone, I guess, but we’ll be okay: This month’s summary comes courtesy of the Astro Twins.

The biggest news for ALL OF YOU — which I’m only gonna write once so listen up — is that there’s going to be two moons in Leo, which never happens, and the second one is a solar eclipse. Think of it like the mushroom effect in Super Mario, 1996 edition. It’s very exciting.

Ready kids?

Cancer

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANCER! It’s so cool that you share yours with America. Are you going to get a massive cake and am I going to jump out of it? Why spoil the surprise, I guess.

You’re going to lay low for the first three weeks of July. As my mom likes to text me whenever I say I can’t talk on the phone because I’ve lost my voice for the thousandth time, “you need to recharge your battery.” Now’s a time to apartment hunt, decorate, rearrange your bookshelf in color order (then decide that’s so Pinterest two years ago) and have friends over to barbecue.

Note that you may feel a little moody or have a lot of emotions. Voice them for sure, especially around the 6th, but remember there’s a fine line between honesty and being a dick.

Work’s going great. On July 9th, you’ll finally get the recognition you deserve for a project you’ve been working on.

On July 22nd, “the Sun swings into Leo and your passionate fifth house of love and joie de vivre.” You’re primed to meet a summer lovah during this time; the 23rd only further cements you into the Cancer season of romance. Enjoy your PDA and DFMOs and the way your heart starts to beat. Just remember that hot tubs are almost always a bad idea for you know what. OKAY.

Leo

Here, kitty, kitty. Think of July like party prep for your B-day month which is so soon I know you can taste it. Tie up loose ends as best you can, put your head down toward your big cat paws and focus. At the same time, don’t run yourself into a pork hole. Chill, man, as best you can. Lord knows I’m not the one to tell you how to do it, but downward dog into a bowl of dairy-free (not by choice, thanks) ice cream.

Now is also a good time for all those doctor appointments you’ve been putting off! Boo blah poop, I know. Get ’em over with. Oh! And straight from the mouth of the Astro Twins: delegate.

Something else the Twins brought up is the rapid-fire slew of “little landmines” that you’re going to feel like you keep stepping on, emotionally, until the 22nd. Being aware that you’re going to be more sensitive than usual may help you to avoid a personal blowup. Or you flip a table, Teresa Giudice-style, so what, big deal, that shrimp cocktail sucked anyway.

You get your own “private new year” on the 23rd ” when the Leo new moon “ignites your first house of beginnings and initiatives.” Make some going-into-August resolutions. Hey, maybe you can find a disco-ball bikini and a top hat, then use the sand as confetti. (Watch the eyes.) On the 26th, be prepared to be shocked by your own sex appeal.

Virgo

Virgomania, you are going to be a social butterfly this month. Thank Mars, the planet that’s going to keep you networking like a Facebook employee at a convention center until the 2oth.

At work around the 6th, FOCUS Cohen, focus, on your principles. You’re due for a promotion or raise but the Astro Twins caution that you don’t lose your head in the clouds as you start to climb the ladder, ‘ne mean? Me neither.

We’ve got some universal tension among all the signs on July 10th, 18th and 21st but like, blah, blah, blah, gimme a break, wash a Midol down with a Twisted Tea and call me when you’re flying over Show Low, Arizona, alright?

On July 22nd, the Sun is in Leo and your restful house, which means you’ll finally heed my advice (or so it seems) and find peace. Cut up some cantaloupe or whatever that crap melon is that no one eats and let it simmer in your ice water. This day is ripe for an at-home spa day with the girls. If it still feels nuts outside of the home, remember this little ditty (about Jack and Diane) (by the Astro Twins, though, not John Mellencamp):” If there’s chaos in your outer world, this is an important time for soul-searching.”

Libra

OH LIBRA!!!! Great news even though I miss Suz: the Sun is making its annual trip through Cancer until July 22, which I guess is like the Sun’s equivalent of the Hamptons or something, only instead of getting crabs like Charlotte did when she hooked up with a baby twenty-something. Anyway, what this means is your tenth house of career, long-term goals and ambition is gonna be lit the hell up. Get after it, CEO human being!

On July 6th, you’re going to be torn between wanting responsibility and craving freedom. I can’t tell you which path to choose. My advice: be like the best Bachelorette contestant you know and show up For The Right Reasons.

On July 9th, you’re going to make like a bird and nest. You’ll find a new apartment or finally decide to decorate the one you’ve lived in forever but still haven’t changed the generic black-and-white photos out of the collage frame you bought back in Mars, so, whatever! Today is a new day!

You’ve got tons of courage and charisma thanks to Mars, except that same planet is adding stress. “Nix the urge to people-please,” writes these wise twins who are really starting to grow on me. “You simply don’t have time to agree to everything.”

On July 22nd, the Sun leaves Cancer which means things start to chill out. You’ve worked really hard. Let loose and let the reggaeton on your friends #SUMMER2017 Apple Music playlist (like who uses Apple Music) fill your bones with dancing juice.

Scorpio

Scorpio, I didn’t know this about you, but apparently you keep tight-lipped so I bet you’ve never sunk ships! You’d make for one hell of a skipper. “Conversations and projects that you’ve been exploring all year could reach a turning point,” write the Astro Twins, although I completely forget the context surrounding it.

Let’s talk about god damn Uranus who is, surprise, surprise, being a real asshole. This month it will form a heated square to Mars on July 19th and the Sun on July 21st. Are we all in agreement that this is the celestial version of a Dutch oven? Gross I know, but then again, these stars write themselves. I’m just the messenger. Beyond a bad smell trapped in a hot blanket — I am so sorry by the way, I’m writing this in a house full of spry young men who are shouting gross things every five minutes and it’s affecting my subconscious, “The energy is sharp and unpredictable on these dates, and people will be quick to fly off the handle.”

Good news for your sign and anyone reading along because I’m done with the Dutch oven metaphor! July 22nd will bring a grounding energy and with it, positive structure surrounding your career. I’m gonna translate that into you getting better at the work/life balance thing.

Finally, on July 23rd, Leo’s new moon is essentially an IV drip into the arms of your hopes, dreams and ambitions. Let me how that hangover cure works because Pedialyte isn’t doing shit.

Sagittarius

Sag, since you’re half horse, are the summer flies worse around your butt and just ignorant of your naked upper-half area or are you asking yourself as you read this if my brain has been altered by a substance? It has not, and I don’t know if I appreciate the judgement. Sorry if I sound moody, but I’m just picking up the vibe you’re sending out. Which is moody. BUT THAT IS OKAY!

Embrace the fog or the feeling that you need to brood. It’s a good time to hunker down, read a book, do your research into stuff that requires it. There’s a lot of pressure in the summer to have a wild and rowdy brouhaha but why can’t it also be about sweet, happy retreat?

That feeling won’t last for long! You’re going to want to be around people, just not a bunch of randos. “Socially, you’ll want to surround yourself with like-minded people who don’t need you to be ‘on,’ says the Ying Yang Twins. “You’ll be in no mood for small talk or explaining yourself. Career-wise, this is a brilliant cycle for creating savvy, win-win scenarios and joining forces for mutual gain.” If you’re reading this and nodding along then for the sake of your skin please reapply your sunscreen.

Hi, nice to see you again, one last thing: Mars could bring you a summer lova, or the kind of DTF that comes with a ring, or a baby. Open your heart and let the light shine in. Oh but for god’s sake again, the SPF, woman!

Capricorn

CAPRI, ITALY-CORN, THIS MONTH IS ALL ABOUT YOU!

“The Sun is in Cancer and your seventh house of commitments and interpersonal affairs until July 22, and Mars is here until July 20,” the Shining Twins told me to tell you. “During this cycle, both luminaries will have a few disputes to settle with Jupiter, Pluto and Uranus. On these dates, you may find yourself torn between work, family, personal projects and relationships, as dueling demands push you to the stressful edge.”

…Honestly I just don’t think I could have paraphrased that any more clearly than they spelled it out originally, so I did a classic copy/paste for ya.

On July 10th, you’ll be up in metaphorical fisticuffs — most likely with someone in your family. But that’s why family is family! They’re legally bound to love you after a spat. Speaking of relationships, on July 22nd, the Sun will move into Leo with a nice big steak to bribe the hairy cat so that it doesn’t get ping-ponged around like a toy fish on a string and what the hell are you reading let alone what am I writing? Oh right. What that means is that anyone you’re in a relationship with of any kind is going to get defined like a motherfucker. Shout it with me now: NO GRAY AREAS. ARE YOU MY BOYFRIEND OR ARE YOU A DELETED PHONE CONTACT?

On July 22nd, the Sun moves into Leo and your eighth house of intimacy, sex and mergers.

Oh cool and on the 23rd, you’re going to get rich!

Aquarius

AGE OF AQUARIUS THIS MONTH IS ALL ABOUT WELLNESS FOR YOU I AM BEING TIMED WHILE I WRITE THIS AND I HAVE TO DO IT IN EXACTLY THREE MINUTES OR ELSE I GET A WATER BALLOON THROWN AT ME! It is the only way I will ever get anything done. I’m like the human equivalent of how you have to spray a cat with a water bottle to get it to stop hissing or whatever.

“Fiery Mars” is around until July 20th which means your motivation is at an all-time high (it has been since June 4th). It also means your stress levels have been next level. Do yoga to breath, use the planet to your advantage in getting ahead, and remember the cardinal rule of getting shit done: “Don’t take on more than you can handle.”

July 9th is about healing and closure. Welcome it! It’s like booting and rallying; you’ll feel better after.

Little bit of drama in your sign around July 18th and 19th, but this is the case for most everyone. Because of this I see nothing weird about taking two days to do you. Tell HR it has to do with your astrological signs.

On July 20th, a big DTR, whether that be in relationships or work or a partnership. Most exciting is the prediction the Ying Yang Twins told, looking ahead at August: the 21st is “bound to put some fascinating people in your path, folks who have a powerful message—and possibly a starring role in the next phase of your life.”

Pisces

Hey Rainbow Fish with your one cool silver scale! You’re going to be super charismatic this month. Don’t even worry if you haven’t practiced your winks because you’ll be so lit up from the inside that you won’t need ’em.

You’re spending most of the month obsessing over a creative project. (This could also be a romance or “full-bodied fun” per the Twins, but creative project sounds more fulfilling, plus it leaves way more positive ambiguity in terms of a larger group of people being able to read their same-sign horoscope and going, “OMG that is so me.”) Anyway, good things will come from it. It’s like being hyper diligent about sit-ups or watering your house plants.

Eye roll all you want, but bear with me for two seconds: the 6th and the 10th will be tense. You know my general advice when astrologists tell us shit like this, which is, stay in bed if you can and crank up the AC. Nothing lubes up a bad mood like cold air and fluffy covers. Vaseline, maybe? But they say water-soluble is the best option.

Speaking of Vaseline, Uranus is going to fuck shit up on the 18th and the 21st so again, stay inside and I’m so sorry for cursing.

Good news is that at the end of the month, you’re going to get super fit. Yeah, just out of nowhere! You won’t have to do anything so let’s go get ice cream. I’ll take a Lactaid pill. Bye.

Aries

Aries let me sing you a little song by this indie two-person band that no one knows about named “Simon and Garfunkel.” Total strange-os. Anyway, here’s how the song goes: “Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning last, just! Sitting ’round the cobble stone. Looking for fun, and feeling groovy!” Those words may not be totally right and I don’t have time to Google them, but if that were my karaoke song those would more or less be the words I sang without looking. ANYWAY it’s the message that’s important! Slow down this month and enjoy the world! Enjoy the summer!

Enjoy your home, too, which you will, but don’t be a couch potato. Hash browns are too heavy in this heat.

July 9th will make for a positive life change — a big one that’s going to feel scary, but it’s going to be not just for the better, but for the best.

On July 22nd, the Sun will “swing into Leo and your passionate fifth house of love and joie de vivre.” <-Note that the tenses there were only lightly paraphrased, okay? Who needs word-for-word accuracy when we’ve got a party to attend! Which we do! You’ve got a summer fling in the wings. I can see them now on the horizon. Seriously. You’ve got “lusty Mars” — !!! LUSTY MARS IS 100% GOING TO BE MY STAGE NAME IF I EVER JOIN A PROFESSIONAL KARAOKE TEAM — in Leo helping you be at your most charming from the 20th until September 5th. Sorry this one’s so long, time for my sign below, bye!

Taurus

Hey star cows! Doesn’t our month of womb exit celebration feel at once like yesterday and 800 years ago? Hopefully you’ve been resting up either way because it’s going to be a super social month and you know how you (we) get when we don’t get a chance to chill. A little nap with a book on our chest, perhaps? Subway shuteye not only doesn’t count, PSA, it’s dangerous! (Except I just read this Science of Us article about how people do this without missing their stop. Hint: It’s witchcraft.)

July 9th is a great day for both visionary projects and travel. What a combo! Plus, we’ve got the Sun and Mars doing the horizontal tango — wash the sheets after, they definitely won’t — which is going to prompt us to speak out with our big ideas.

Apparently we’re going to have a “stress meltdown” on July 6th. Lol okay. A solution is to try to hold off meetings but raise your hand if that’s not in the cards since it’s called work and stuff. Another fun fact about this month is that we might drink a little too much loose juice and wind up the drunkest girl at the party, but no dates were specified, so now I’m terrified.

OH WHATEVER. I am not. Let’s all just live our lives and cool it with the next-day recaps, okay? This is not ESPN. I did not ask for a post-game.

On July 23rd, Leo and her new moon will strengthen our bonds around the home. And finally — sorry this was so long — “Consider any July action to be a ‘developing story,’ one that will come together will a bold flourish before the summer ends.”

Gemini

GeminHI WHOA LOOK AT YOU! You are full-frontal nude and at the forefront of success. Who wears the pants? Literally not you and only you, I guess. You’re a walking paradox of the best kind.

THIS IS MY LAST SIGN I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM SAYING ANYMORE!!!

Okay okay okay, let’s do this: Focus on your career at the start of this month. It’s going to be high stress, but it’s worth it for the big outcomes.

July 9th you’re going to turn an “alliance” into a formal partnership (work or romantic although if it’s both, how fun and scandalous), which sounds like something out of that Survivor show, which may still actually be a show? Can someone confirm? Anyway I think this is just another way of saying DTR again. There is a lot of that going on this month. Isn’t it un-cuffing season??

It’s going to get tense in the middle of the month, but I’m so bored of talking about it. Just don’t fight, okay? Carve a watermelon if you really need to get aggression out. Or carry one.

Mars in Leo on July 20th is going to make you feel super social, and on the 23rd, Leo’s new moon could bring about some exciting shit in the world of “communications.” You remember Suzaroo always loved to lump random stuff into that category, but the reason I like that is because it’s just vague enough to be like, “OOooooh yeah, that not only applies to me but also sounds awesome.”

As it should. This is the summer. And here I am, holding up your swim trunks. Are we done yet and can we go swimming?

Yes and yes.

lllustrations by Cynthia Merhej.

Get more Humor ?
  • Bee

    Ugh, horoscopes are so weird and always accurate for me (Taurus). It says July 9th is a great day for visionary ideas and travel—-I’ll be traveling that day and am meeting with a friend who is always super inspiring. It says July 23rd will strengthen bonds around home—I will have literally just arrived to my parents’ house that day to spend some time with them.

    Weird, astrology, weird.

  • Last month, you had me smirking knowingly, Amelia, when I read I was to have a good hair month. As if, ever. Well … this was my first good hair month ever, so thank you. And who told you I am trying to avoid small talk people right now because I am all locked up inside myself (not in an arogant, but rather in an inexplicably urgent way) and don’t want to talk? Weird.

  • gracesface

    Gemini here. I get to go back to daytime schedule at work on the 19th AND I CANNOT WAIT. And I work in communications, so there.

  • Alison

    “Let’s talk about god damn Uranus who is, surprise, surprise, being a real asshole.” — Amelia, way better than the Elle horoscope! (Which I also read, twice)

  • Moody half horse here telling you those flies are all in your head, but that naked upper half is sounding mighty fine right now in this heat.

  • Here’s a thing: every time I get the horoscope from MR, I call my bff and we read ours out loud. She called me yesterday and she was like “IT’S JULY AND I’M WAITING FOR MY HOROCOPE ALREADY, WHERE IS IT?”. Guess what I got today? Of course I called her as soon as I got this. Man, these horoscopes are our friendship tradition and I love you because of that ❤

    • Melissa

      I love the idea of reading them out loud to each other! Just might have to do that.

  • Dang girl, your last-minute writing style is gold! Brava.

  • Chloe

    Ahh, I love reading star signs 🙂 I’m Aquarius and everything there actually holds a lot of truth for this current point in my life – I’m all about wellness right now. I’ve had a huge change in my life over this past month and it’s spurred me on to just look out for myself and really focus on my independence.

    Have a great week 🙂

    Chloe @ https://girllgonerogue.blogspot.co.uk/

  • Alice

    My birthday is on the 6th so I’ll guess I’ll cry and be moody on my birthday, AS ALWAYS.

  • jules_js

    hahha I’m a libra who uses apple music!

  • Amelia

    Hi Amelia, fellow Amelia Taurus here (as always)

    This was the best thing: “Another fun fact about this month is that we might drink a little too much loose juice and wind up the drunkest girl at the party, but no dates were specified, so now I’m terrified.”