My Essential Whole Foods Shopping List

I wouldn’t call myself a sucker for the wellness trend, but I do care about my body and what goes in, on and around it, and I do believe there is a right and wrong way to breathe. Whole Foods gets a lot of flack for its prices, but what often goes unrecognized is the unbelievable value its products pack per dollar. Below are nine products from Whole Foods that have genuinely changed my life. If you care about your health, consider giving these a shot next time you’re loading up your grocery cart. You won’t regret it.

Dried Avocado Skins by (pH)antastic

If you find yourself tired at night, your pH is probably to blame. (pH)antastic makes an incredible line of alkaline snacks to help, including these fantastic dried avocado skins. They’re a little rough going down — I personally have to suppress my gag reflex and drink plenty of water afterwards — but the energy boost is worth it. I’m practically bouncing off the walls after I eat a bag!*

*150mg of caffeine per serving

Jenna’s One-Ingredient Cauliflower Bread

Cauliflower is a magical vegetable. Who knew you could use it to make bread? Jenna did, thank goodness. I’ve never touched bread more dense, vegetal-tasting or frankly difficult to cut, but once you get past the hard parts and pop it in the oven for four hours at 450 degrees, you’re left with a melt-in-your-mouth slice of brassica. Add unsalted, grass-fed butter to taste.

Brentwoods’ Golden-Churned Ice Cream

Per the information hand-painted on its porcelain pints (which you can keep and use as planters for mini succulents!), Brentwoods’ ice cream is hand-churned every day during golden hour, which makes it taste more beautiful. My favorite flavor is Gwyneth’s Perspiration (salty and sweet!), but I also love Vanilla Yoni and Neo-liberal-politan.

Diane’s Gluten-Free Tuscan Kale, as featured in 2003’s Under the Tuscan Sun, massaged by Diane Lane herself

This is off-menu; you’ll have to ask a Whole Foods employee to go ’round back and fetch it for you. When I heard that my favorite grocer and favorite actress were teaming up to make a leaf so soft and free of gluten that your skin glows just by looking at it, I actually left my cousin’s barefoot wedding mid-ceremony to get my hands on it. It makes my salads taste like hot fudge sundaes. Wild.

Green Chakra’s Small-Batch Vegan Cashew Butter

Big peanut butter won’t tell you this, but ethical cashew butter has been proven via several scientific studies to be the optimal nut butter for your vascular health. Green Chakra knows how to do it right, no animals involved. I never knew how closed my heart chakra was until I spread this stuff on my cauliflower bread. Grab a jar, you’ll be surprised.

Organic, Free-Range, Fertilized Ostrich Eggs from Beverly Farms

I haven’t touched a chicken egg since discovering Beverly Farms’ ostrich eggs. I’ll be honest, cracking them isn’t easy — it requires a drill and a steady hand. But once you’re in, it’s the tastiest breakfast you can imagine. Caveat: If you take too long to eat them, they hatch!

Probiotic-Infused Energizing Oxygen Mist

I read on Goop that a spritz of this at the top of every hour is as good as 30 minutes of daily meditation. I’ve struggled to keep up a meditation practice (too much to do), so I was intrigued to say the least. After just one day of use, I swear to Goop I’ve never breathed easier. Now I buy these babies by the case-full. Do not use if pregnant.

ChiaGod’s Homeopathic Oat Milk Chia Pudding

This is hands-down the most interesting chia pudding I’ve every tasted. Apparently it’s made in an all-quartz facility with optimal energy flow. It’s a difference you can taste. The tricky part here is you must consume it within 24 hours of it being hand-stirred in ChiaGod’s facilities, so it’s a bit of a race against the clock, lol! Totally worth it, though.

Joanne’s Biome-Enhancing, No-Bake Organic Dirt Bowl

I’ll warn that this is a literal bowl of dirt — but trust me when I say it’s worth the $140 dollars per quart. Mined from freshly turned soil inoculated with rare bacteria, Joanne’s is a cut above the rest. Fresh, moist and less gritty than your average dirt, these little bowls will move through you like a hurricane. Seriously, they’re basically pure fiber. (Must be refrigerated.)

What’s your favorite product at Whole Foods? I’m always eager for recommendations! I won’t rest until I’ve tried everything.

Modeled by Alisha Bansal, follow her on Instagram @alisha.b1. Photos by Edith Young.

Get more Humor ?
  • Alexia

    In seriousness, I love the Halo Top ice cream Whole Foods sells. Really yummy and creamy 😊

    • Heina Dadabhoy

      They sell that everywhere now, even Costco.

  • Abby

    I’m embarrassed by how long it took before I realized this was a joke. I spend waaaaaaaaay too much time reading ~healthy living~ blogs and some of this seemed pretty reasonable to me.

    • Hope

      Oh my god same. It took me right up to ‘Gwyneth’s Perspiration’ ice cream flavour until I started to think that maybe something was a bit off…

      • Anne Dyer

        Noooo!!! I didn’t even realize that ice cream flavor was a joke. I clearly live in LA.

      • Andrea Alyse Pillaro

        Hahaha I just posted it in my company’s fitness slack channel and said the same thing about not realizing it was a joke until the Gwyneth’s Perspiration line!

    • BarbieBush

      Is this a joke though? I am unconvinced in either direction

    • Okay I’m glad I’m not the only one because I definitely got like 5 products deep before realizing it was a joke!

      • Maggie Lanham

        hahahah same!

    • Heina Dadabhoy

      I got really excited about the cauliflower bread x_x

    • Vanilla Yoni was the one that got me thinking…

  • I only found out this was a joke when I read the comments.

    Oh dear.

    Charmaine Ng
    Architecture & Lifestyle Blog

  • lesley

    i am literally obsessed w learning what snacks i will be buying when i no longer eat only boiled eggs and lettuce bc of university.,,,, i cant believe u would play me like this let me knwo what kind of tumeric chia pudding is the most savoury i am PLEADing with u

  • gracesface

    U almost got me. almost.

  • Spanky


  • Adrianna

    Whole Foods gets a lot of flack, but the prices aren’t that much different than other grocery stores in Manhattan. The Whole Foods brand items in particular – frozen vegetables are priced $1-2 dollars. (The produce in Trader Joe’s isn’t worth buying IMO. I would argue Westside Market is more expensive than Whole Foods.) I mainly buy the in-house cheese and Bell & Evans chicken there.

    • Kayla Sweeney

      Agree! The Gristedes across the street from my office is so expensive it should be illegal.

      • Adrianna

        omg, I don’t even bother going there. I split my grocery shopping in about 3 stores according to price and quality.

        Shoutout to Fairway Market, but I don’t live or work near one. I learned so much about olive oil by tasting a dozen different bottles in the Red Hook location.

  • Chrissey

    It took me a ridiculously embarrassing amount of time to realize that this was a joke.

  • Ellie Thomson

    Haha ‘Diane’s Gluten-Free Tuscan Kale, as featured in 2003’s Under the Tuscan Sun, massaged by Diane Lane herself’ did it for me

    • Amelia

      Actually snorted diet coke out of my nose when I read that.

  • hearceespeak

    wow I’m slow

    • hearceespeak

      Also: I’m embarrassed to say that I spent a few minutes Googling that avocado skin product because I was judging you SO HARD. I was about to say who the hell would eat that garbage??

  • Danika

    I was like, “Where can I get this avocado skins?” Which makes it all the more poignant and hilarious! 😉 I love you Haley Nahman!

  • elpug

    Didn’t realize it was a joke until dirt but that just makes reading it again all the better!

  • Lisa

    omg lol i just read the whole thing thinking “is she joking? this cant be real”
    thank you comments for confirming my suspicions

  • kay

    pffffffhahahahahaha omg haley you’re getting so deft with this, do not stop

  • Willa Konefał Davis

    Also didn’t realize this was a joke and was *very* excited about the possibility of being able to get a pet ostrich just by buying eggs. wut even

    • Joanna Maziarz


    • potluck

      Trust me. You DO NOT want a pet ostrich.

      • Willa Konefał Davis

        hahaha, I’m sure you’re right.

  • Kayla Sweeney

    I made it to Brentwoods’ Golden-Churned Ice Cream before I realized this was satire… >_<

    • Segundo Quipuzcoa

      You’re beautiful

  • loling HARD over here. but ya i never go to whole foods without grabbing a bag of nut-free almonds.

  • Meg S

    I laughed SO HARD. Glad I’m almost the only person left at work today. Can never leave whole paycheck without at least one loaf of bread and three different kinds of cheese. Also, dolmades.

  • Beth

    This is gold. GOLD.

  • Jeanie

    I was so confused by the first one. So you’re telling me balanced PH gives you energy, but it as caffeine in it? Lol, took me a bit longer to realize it was a joke.

  • can proudly say the one ingredient cauliflour bread made me suspicious!

  • Nschne

    Ha! Loved this as soon as I saw you are baking cauliflower bread at 450 degrees for 4 hours…LOVE this site!

  • Carrieanne Luicadi

    I made it all the way to ‘DIRT BOWL’ before i clocked.

  • Paula Rodio

    “Porcelain pints”…that’s when I said “wait a minute…”
    Nicely done Haley!

  • Hil

    gotta brag and say I knew it was a joke when I read the title

  • Dammit I made it all the way through the Ostrich eggs and STILL didn’t know it was a joke. I scrolled down to the comments to read if people were freaking out and realized I had been punk’d. I read too much Goop.

  • Alison Dick

    When I read “If you find yourself tired at night, your pH is probably to blame.” my jaw literally dropped.

  • Jacqueline Ho

    love the article Haley and the humor was on point! I caught it at dried avocado skin because i was thinking….that would be really hard to eat a whole bag! hahahaha but loved the article regardless 🙂

  • Forget what year Orson Wells read WAR OF THE WORLDS on radio. Nahman has just staked her claim on the net. And right on time. Would never have thought Whole Foods could strike the fear/panic of that classic Halloween episode in radio drama. Until the Amazon deal. Yikes! Or should I type, Yucca!

  • Haha, I was so ready to invest in dirt, mysteriously caffeinated avocado skins, and small-batch cashew butter (anything to take down Big PB.) Amazing. Very April Fools, cept, like…July. I go every damn day on my lunch and hoo boy, was I sucker for most of this article. Ha!

  • Homeopathic Oat Milk Chia Pudding – wouldn’t be surprised if that was a thing! Haha!

  • Valerie Adrianne Barahona

    i was about to google the dirt LOLOLOLOL

  • Vida Rose

    “Big Peanut Butter”.

  • Charlotte Keys

    I was going to be so mad, and then I realized—joking! The first couple were very convincing. Altho’ I’m there for that cashew butter

  • Natt

    I’m from the uk so we don’t have a wholefoods so I was scrolling through this the whole time thinking ‘Dang you Americans really do have some odd snacks’

  • Senka

    Ok, if this was written by any other millenial writer, and not by Haley I’d actually be almost fooled.