There Are Two Kinds of People in This World, Really

People who love me and people who don’t.

06.17.17
Photo by Clifford Coffin/Condé Nast via Getty Images

Splitting the world into two buckets is more satisfying than cleaning a hair brush. It almost makes you forget we all disagree on everything because really: you either make your bed or you’re lazy. That’s it! You’re on team A or team B, and I will judge you mercilessly for it over the next, say, 20 seconds. And then I’ll move on.

You either love binaries or you hate them. You’re either reading this or you’re not. I either like your puns or I didn’t hear them. I could do this all day. Below is a list of binaries that I find particularly urgent, which I constructed via some help from team MR. Please indicate below the myriad ways I’ve painted you into a rude corner, and then hit me back as hard as you can! Seriously, I’m ready. Or I’m not.


There are two kinds of people in this world…

People who have thousands of unread emails and people who have their shit together.

People who changed more than twice before leaving the house this morning and people who are having a good day.

People brash enough take the last bite of a shared meal and people who will cut it into infinitely smaller pieces.

People who are able to sleep with one limb uncovered and people who believe in ghosts.

People who despise sponges and people who don’t mind if their hands smell like mildew for hours.

People who go to Burning Man and people who don’t do acro-yoga.

People who add more than 10 hashtags to their Instagrams and people with appropriate levels of shame.

People who shower before bed and people who don’t mind if their sheets are a cesspool.

People who brag about being a nerd in high school and people who actually were nerds in high school.

People who know “soaking the pan” is procrastination and people in denial.

People who take photos of every social event they’ve ever been to and people who have no evidence of their friendships whatsoever.

People who tickle others and people who experience kindness and empathy.

People who are “friends with their exes” and people I’m not suspicious of.

People who can’t bear silence and people who are really fucking tired of talking about the weather.

People who pre-game and people who have had over 100 hangovers.

People in therapy and people who need to go to therapy.

People who put the toilet-paper roll on backwards and people with common sense.

People who tell their computers to remind them about software updates “tomorrow” forever and people who should hold a seminar on productivity.

People who did their own laundry as kids and people who still don’t do their own taxes.

People who eat their steak well-done and people you’d bring home to your parents.

People who floss their teeth and people who pretend they floss their teeth.

People who hated this list and people who get a gold star.

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