Christina Aguilera: 14. Nicki Minaj: 8. Paris Hilton: 20. Britney Spears: 22.
Those numbers do not reference hit singles, weeks atop a chart, nor times successfully exiting a vehicle without flashing the paparazzi. Nay, they refer to fragrances. Self-branded, celebrity perfumes and fragrances to be exact. Yes, Britney Spears has 22 different fragrances. Let that impressiveness sink in for a moment. Paris Hilton technically has 24 if you count her offshoots for men. Even Alan Cumming had one (it was called “Cumming”), as did Bruce Willis (it was called “Bruce Willis”). At the height of the 2000s, having your own fragrance and cheesing with it was the celeb thing to do.
But that was then, and this is now. Celebrities have moved on to lifestyle websites, high-end fashion lines and color cosmetics. A-listers are the faces of fashion-house fragrances, but to know what a particular celeb smells like is becoming a thing of scentocalypse past.
Still, as all millennials know, nostalgia is very “in” right now. It got me thinking about the celebrity fragrances I wish existed, ones I’d gladly stuff my nose into a magazine’s peel-back-flap to sniff (remember magazines?) or allow a department store salesperson to wave at me in the form of a little sample stick (remember shopping in actual stores?). Here, the smells I wish I could spritz in 2017.
I Love Kanye by Kanye West
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Bold, edgy, luxe
Notes: Leather, denim, champagne, Calabasas palm and the color beige.
Best for: Whenever you need a confidence boost and Jessica’s daily affirmation just isn’t cutting it.
Why it should exist: Kim recently released her beauty line; just imagine the gift set possibilities for the upcoming holiday season.
Summertime Sadness by Lana Del Rey
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Romantic, aquatic, sensual
Notes: Ocean breeze, diamonds, rose hips, tears and blood orange.
Best for: When you’re feeling like a mermaid on the outside but melancholy and/or bored on the inside (e.g., when you’re going to an outdoor film screening at Hollywood Forever cemetery with a date you’re meh about but tolerating anyway because you really love Rosemary’s Baby, Mia Farrow’s aesthetic and your hair looked great that day); any time you’re wearing a red dress.
Why it should exist: Every Lana Del Rey music video is already a perfect perfume ad. Two birds, one stone!
Duality by Jaden and Willow Smith
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Airy, modern, galactic
Notes: Solar, ash, immortelle, ink, willowherb and jade.
Best for: Kicking off meditation practices, composing music in your room, any extended bout of deep thinking or realization (e.g., you see your nose all the time, your brain just chooses to ignore it), aligning chakras, any time you need to encourage epiphanies.
Why it should exist: The expected celeb-spawn foray into a fashion line seems too obvious and too easy. If anyone can finally nail something as abstract as a truly unisex fragrance for millennials, it’s these two.
RBF by Kristen Stewart
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Dark, sharp, spicy
Notes: Violet, pinot noir grapes, plum, pepper and dahlia.
Best for: Anywhere there are lines or large groups of people, rock concerts where someone in front of you decides to sit on someone else’s shoulders, anytime you’re not wearing headphones and people talk at you as a result.
Why it should exist: I’m tired of every perfume assuming I want to attract others. Maybe I want to smell cool and talk to zero people.
Manic Pixie Dream Boy by Penn Badgley
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Woody, hazy, gourmand
Notes: Cedar, sandalwood, coffee, lychee, wallflower and vinyl.
Best for: Self-ascribed Manic Pixie Dream Boys, summer city weddings that are vaguely rustic, summer weddings where the bridesmaids are wearing their own individual dresses but in a similar color palette and the groomsmen have fun socks, dates with your summer fling, anywhere in Brooklyn.
Why it should exist: Colognes can be quirky, too!
Pretty Good by Larry David
Main ambiguous fragrance descriptors: Fresh, clean, light
Notes: Linen, tea, paper and golf-course grass.
Best for: The headache-prone, everyday wear, creatures of habit, normcore devotees.
Why it should exist: Everyday life comes with enough headaches, your fragrance shouldn’t be another one. Sometimes you just need a step up from deodorant, but not a whole “thing.” Something to spritz, but not a spritz-spritz. Nothing spectacular, but something slightly better than fine. Something (pretty, pretty, pretty) pretty good. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯