The Biggest Relationship Deal Breaker I Ever Ignored

Oops.

05.17.17

I told him I was looking for a pen, but the truth is I was snooping.

I used to be a real snoop. I was so curious as to what everyone around me was privately thinking. The only thing standing between me and anyone’s diary was a heaping pile of guilt, which I’m ashamed to admit didn’t always stop me. Eventually I learned, very definitively, that nothing good comes of it, ever, and I began to see it for the dubious breakdown of the golden rule that it is. Back in 2008, though, I only understood such a decency intellectually. I had yet to learn it the hard way.

One afternoon, I was hanging out in the bedroom of my first serious boyfriend while he was in class. We were about a year deep. We were technically happy (everyone dreams of being technically happy), but he’d broken up with me in a dramatic fashion about six months prior, and once we got back together, I had lingering doubts as to whether we were solid. This, of course, is how looking for a pen in his desk animorphed me into a raccoon sniffing around a dumpster. AND BOY, DID I SCORE SOME TRASH.

It was a small piece of paper. I can’t recall why it caught my eye. I picked it up with almost-psychic confidence. As I unfolded it, I knew immediately that I’d hit the shitty jackpot. I sat down on his bed, without so much as a blink or a breath, and read:

I was bowled over. I felt like I’d just peered into my own soul and finally understood myself.

Just kidding. WTF w/ TWO SYNONYMS FOR CUTE WASTING A QUARTER OF MY PRO SLOTS? I am also funny, fucker!

While my name was nowhere to be found, I never doubted the list was about me. The cons are all absolutely true, even still. And for the record, he meant literal board games, not like ~waiting to to text back.~ Trust me. This is a kid who was passionate about beer bongs.

I put the piece of paper back and returned to my homework, shaken. When he got back later that day, I knew that’d I’d cave and tell him. It was just too absurd to keep to myself. Oddly enough, my concern was not for the totally batshit contents of the list. I was just curious as to why the hell it existed. Was he thinking about ending things?

We sat down and I confessed I’d “stumbled” across the note while searching for a pen — an all-but-blatant lie — and was perplexed by it. My memory of the conversation is a little blurry (it was a decade ago!), but I know he told me the list was from a while back, when he was having doubts about us. He assured me it didn’t mean anything and I probably assured him I was game to change my personality. I was mostly interested in making the whole confrontation an enjoyable experience for him. I was just a good girlfriend, you know? We dropped it pretty quickly and didn’t break up for another six months. That it didn’t become a running joke was, in my opinion, singular evidence of our demise.

Him: Want to play Cranium?

Me: Did you forget? I DON’T LIKE GAMES!

The best part of breaking up and moving on is taking mental note of the red flags you missed. Of all the warning signs I’ve breezed past, the pro/con list is my absolute favorite. I really love it and wish I had it framed in my living room. In hindsight, the list’s existence doesn’t shock me (I had my own versions in the form of nauseatingly long Word documents), but the contents of it are so telling. They truly tickle me. That my best qualities in his eyes — cute, fun, nice, hot — were nowhere close to the ones I valued in myself and would prefer to be loved for — my mind, personality, literally anything else — should have been a smack upside the head for me. That mismatch was exactly why we didn’t work. Our values were off-the-charts different.

What was your biggest missed deal breaker? A red flag retro-identified is still a red flag.

Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

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  • LEM

    I wish I could forward this to a friend, who is currently ignoring a football-field-sized red flag.

  • toogoodtobetrue

    He would not go down on me…….tragedy

    • Katrina Elizabeth

      OMG call him right now and dump him again

      • Haley Nahman

        Lolll

    • ihaveacooch

      seriously wtf is this trend. i gotta learn to dump boys who don’t do this to me.

      • ESW

        Oral sex comes standard now.

      • Chronic

        Too funny.

      • digitaldevolution

        I’ve dated so many who were so -bad- at it, that I’ve stopped expecting it and usually prefer that they don’t try. I either have trouble with giving feedback, or with finding boys who can handle being asked to do something differently. =D

    • rachel

      My boyfriend broke up with me about nine months ago. We had a THREE YEAR relationship, and he never went down on me once. We connected so well in every other way I ignored it, but thinking about that has definitely helped ease (some of) the pain of our breakup.

      • FLACA

        I keep thinking my man of almost 2 years is in the closet gay. sleeping with all my guy friends. cuz he starts acting all feminine around them . it’s crazy he can’t even stay hard in bed anymore am I right?

        • Chronic

          Dump him.

    • gwendomouse

      Really, is that a red flag? I refuse to give blow jobs. I find it demeaning and disgusting. I expect my husband to respect that, and he does. If he felt similar about giving me oral sex, I would accept that, too. Why force the person you love to do something they dislike?

      • alansa

        Wait so he does go down on you?

      • eyekwah

        that’s a fair enough opinion and it should be respected by anyone you’re intimate with. however, apprehension towards oral is not uncommon in douchey straight dudes, without a legitimate reason, who would be appalled if a woman refused to down on him.

      • skovler@ymail.com

        He is getting them somewhere else…sorry dear..but its true..

        • gwendomouse

          You have met neither me nor my husband and don’t know anything about our relationship or his character. So you have no way of knowing. What you are saying is prejudiced and offensive.

        • gwendomouse

          I have now deleted my original comment because I feel it was TMI. But I would like to say that I find your reply patronising, prejudiced and rude. You don’t know anything about my relationship or my husband’s character. One of the unwritten rules of MR’s comment section is to not offend people just because you can, semi-anonymous as it is. Most people here can stick to this quite well. If you want to troll people, go to youtube.

      • digitaldevolution

        So – he still goes down on you? You let him demean himself for you, but you won’t do the same? Interesting.

        • gwendomouse

          No, you hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t. I actually don’t think he minds i.e. finds it demeaning, but for reasons of fairness I don’t expect it.

        • gwendomouse

          I have now deleted my original comment because I felt it was TMI. But to still answer your question: no, he doesn’t. Although he claims he does not find it demeaning, I do.

  • Kaitf7

    I just got out of a relationship, and breezed passed many RED BANNERS if you will as if they were non-existent. There are just so many issues its hard to pick one at this point. In hindsight he just wasn’t nice to me or kind in the way that one should be. What I look back on as my ‘I should have known better’ was when we was strangely distant after I landed a job at my dream company. I always like to celebrate little achievements like that and he wouldn’t even treat me to a glass of champagne or wine.

    • Haley Nahman

      that’s a big deal!

  • Lindsay D

    I did snoop and find his W-2, I ignored all the serious commitment issues because he was kind and fun and we named our kids. This broken heart is a reminder DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS.

  • AG

    My red flag: when his twin brother told me “you know he lies, right?”

    But I laughed it off as just some sibling rivalry.

    7 years and a broken engagement later, I realized it wasn’t a laughing matter.

    • Lindsay D

      internet hug, its so hard to think clearly when you’re in love

    • Haley Nahman

      GUH

    • mill

      Similar situation, his sister told me not to trust him. 7 years later he left me to become a psychic after <1 year of marriage. Be glad your engagement was broken, I sure wish mine had been

  • Amy Mills

    woww this was so great and well-written. Love the justified outrage at him taking up 1/4 of the pro list with two synonyms for “nice.” Unforgivable

    • Haley Nahman

      it really was rude

      • Amy Mills

        Also can I just say I hate when people don’t like to complain? Like, do they not realize that complaining is the most basic way to bond?? Complaining about the weather to strangers is one of the best skills I have.

        (also realize the irony of me complaining rn)

        • Meg S

          You can’t complain about politics to everyone, so the weather is a pretty good complaining topic. It’s not even June and we’ve already got summer, complete with 90+ degree temps and humidity. Everyone agrees when I complain about the weather in an attempt to make that awkward elevator ride with people in my building at work who I don’t really know a little less awkward.

          Or traffic – there was an accident that tied up 90% of the roads in the area because the main highway was shut down for 5 hours. During rush hour combined with beach traffic. It’s all anyone talked about at work all afternoon, and we spent more time trying to find ways around it than actually working.

    • ESW

      I think she hit the nail on the head when she pointed out that he didn’t love the things she loved about herself. For example, my husband bemoans my “independent streak” and I think that is 1) not a “streak” and 2) the best thing about me.

      • Amy Mills

        So true. What I view as the best version of myself needs to match up (at least somewhat) with the guy’s favorite version of me.

  • lucyst0ner

    has anyone ever ignored a problematic future MIL and lived to tell about it? I’m ignoring that right now.

    • Abby

      I did. The first time we met she pretended I wasn’t there until my now-husband got up and announced that if she was going to be rude to me, we were leaving. We’ve been married awhile and my MIL has gotten nicer over the years, although I’m sure we’ll never be close. I think if your partner is willing to do the work to be a good buffer and call her out when she’s being rude/unreasonable/whatever the issue is, it can be fine. If they’re not seeing the problem or won’t take the initiative to shield you from it, then it definitely won’t work out as you’ll just grow to resent them for not standing up for you.

      • Jennifer Grigg

        I agree with you Abby! I ignored a problematic future MIL because I didn’t realise she’d become mine! Years later she has gotten better (so have I) and my husband has stepped up to the plate for me after we’d discussed everything a million times.

    • Michelle

      This is me. I ignored some major red MIL flags. Eg. her freaking out when we’d been engaged for one day about wedding details. Not talking to me for 6 weeks when my now husband and I were engaged because we invited someone to the wedding that she didn’t have a good feeling about. Crazy. There were red flags when we were dating too – I could write a book about the red flags. She ended up being a nightmare mother in-law. After my wedding her friends came out of the woodworks and only then told me she is a narcissist, that we should move far away before she started meddling in our marriage. 5 years on, and much meddling later, we moved country. Best move we ever made. Our marriage improved and we just had a very happy 10 year anniversary. My advice? If you marry this guy, keep your distance from the MIL. Move away and enjoy your marriage and lives together 🙂

      • Bo

        YIKES nice escape moves

  • Adrianna

    A couple months ago I snooped for the first time in a 5-year relationship and found that he donated $150 to a charity for disadvantaged youth to learn how to code, so there’s that.

    I think the only red flag I ignored was when my high school boyfriend yelled “will you fucking stop” when I tried to play with his hair. He ended up being a huge asshole. I later used touching a guy’s head or hair as a personality test. Coincidentally, my current boyfriend loves it when I rub his head.

    • belle

      That is the most wholesome dirt you could possibly dig up on someone!

    • alansa

      This current guy sounds like a keeper

  • Ashley

    QT lols here, Haley. If it helps, we can all start commenting “Did you forget – I DON’T LIKE GAMES” on every thing you write.

    On a more serious note, you snoop, you find. So I don’t even go there. Glad you found out kind of early.

    • Haley Nahman

      please do

    • doublecurl

      can we talk about this “you snoop, you find” thing?! I hear this all the time and understand the truth but does that mean that every partner is bound to have something gut wrenching and potentially catastrophic hidden from view?

      • Romina

        It actually means that, to some extent. To me it means that it you are willing to find something that makes him look like a cheater/bad person, you will definitely find something (anything) and turn it into whatever suits your view of him. Just ask right away and trust him. If you don’t, then trust your gut.

        • Anon

          Betta believe it!

      • Anon

        This is very true. If you snoop around long enough, you will find just what you’re looking for!

      • Sharon

        Honestly, I only look when I’m given a reason to look. Like my recent ex… I trusted him and even told him I trusted him until he stopped texting me for hours or an entire day and I was willing to let it slide. I happened to see that when he finally did respond, he wasn’t where he said he was and I wasn’t even going to confront him about it until I brought it up that he wasn’t talking to me as much as he used to and he didn’t respond so I literally said “fuck it” out loud. “He’s not into me anymore” and I brought it up that he was lying which is when he called me a stalker and broke up with me via text. I have days when I regret it but I snap myself out of it real quick. He could’ve heard where I was coming from. Never apologize for that shit.

  • Out of so many, the biggest red flag I ignored I think, was how he was always too tired to talk about our relationship when I needed to. Like he was more important than me.

    • Haley Nahman

      !!! I have 100% gotten the “too tired” line, I’m like TOO BAD WAKE THE FUCK UP slap your own face if you have to

    • Vera Ivanova

      omg thiss.

  • Laura

    he was going down on me and lifted his head up from betwixt my thighs and said “i feel we’re platonic”

    • Laura

      also, he’s 14 years older than me and works as a sales associate in my retail job :~)

      • Jo

        Laura How long are you going to stay with that ass H
        You should say to him Well I’m looking for a Guy that nows something a How a woman’s sexual body works.😡😳💩

      • Jo

        Laura sorry this is very old site .My be you found someone else.

    • Haley Nahman

      DYING

      • Laura

        best part is how i ignored it and then two months later i lost my virginity to him on his mom’s bed yikes

        • Hellbetty666

          These posts get sadder yet funnier!

    • libs

      nice use of betwixt, awful situation

      • Amelia Diamond

        “nice use of betwixt” <- day made

    • xtine

      Similarly, I was going down on him and he said, “I could do it better myself.” Fucker.

    • Joe Little

      My wife’s affair was 3 years ago. She subscribed to those hookup sites, knowing she was going to cheat. She had been talking to him for months before I caught on; and when I confronted her she lied. She even took a phone call from him during our daughter’s graduation! She had to step out of the open house to talk to her boyfriend. I figured it all out when a friend told me about a genuine hacker whom had helped her through the kinda stuff i was going through, he helped me hack into her phone. I had found out his name, address, social media info, everything…there was no denying it, but she sure tried! She lied over and no matter what, i got the truth…all thanks to (BIRDEYE.HACK at GMAIL dot COM). Contact him today and be glad you did. ./

      • Baginapples

        Even during the daughters graduation? Wtf.

    • Lou

      Nooooooo

  • Inaat

    Big red flag was him controlling me, preventing me from going out with friends, guilting me with he “didn’t want anything to happen to me” or last minute “but I had thought we could eat dinner and watch a movie” when he had known for a long time I aleready had plans. Other red flags were him not working and complaining that I didn’t do a good enough job keeping the house tidy and clean after work. And this hilarious one, he specifically said I was not spontaneus enough because I didn’t want to give him a BJ on the couch every night after work. I believed I was just wrong, and did not do anything right, covered up his behaviour for my friends and family, and stayed way to long! Girl, GET OUT!

    • Yep been there with the manipulating asshole too!

    • Haley Nahman

      DUDE

      • Inaat

        I know, I felt so ashamed when I woke up, but it felt like I had been brainwashed. Happy it’s over and I am finally living my life again.

        • Anon

          Yes, you were brainwashed, but thank God you came to your senses. Some women aren’t as lucky as you are!

    • Erica

      omg! 100% been there when it came to going out with my girlfriends. my ex would get insanely paranoid and untrusting as if my girlfriends and i were planning to have a huge orgy fest with random dudes, when in reality we would drink beer and eat tater tots at the local bar??

      • Inaat

        The worst. Good to read he is your ex now!

    • Anon

      So glad you got out of that toxic relationship. I have a friend who just started dating someone who has control issues. She’s in her honeymoon period with him, so I haven’t said much to her. But I’m sure I will get a phone call once the honeymoon period is over with him. I’m so glad to be free!!!

  • BarbieBush

    Not coming to see me when I shattered all bones in my leg because a football game was on. I offered for him to watch it at my house, still didn’t come.

    Sigh I really liked him.

    • Haley Nahman

      omg

    • Katrina Elizabeth

      I hope he gets tackled by a linebacker out of nowhere someday

      • Jaymie

        LOL this image made my whole night

    • ESW

      I got in a terrible car wreck (rolled my SUV – was okay but woah) – and he still went to a mountain bike race!

    • mar

      Well, you might feel bettter after this

      • mar

        After 3 YEARS TOGETHER, I broke my knee if two, and had to go though surgery, He was out of the country, so we could only talk on the phone. I was very scared because was having serious surgery the next morning. So I asked him if he could tell me ‘I love you’ before I went to sleep. He said: ‘Im just not feeling it’.
        But that was not all I put up with, because I was an idiot.

        When he came home, and we saw each other, he said, jokingly: ‘Better stick to physical therapy because I dont want people saying my girlfriend’s a limper’
        Yes.
        Put the crown on me.
        thank you

  • Abby

    He wanted to move to a farm in Virginia and live off the grid. That has never been anything close to my life dream but we still stuck it out for way too long! He lives on a remote island now and documents the whole thing through Instagram.

    • Meg S

      Had a boyfriend who wanted to live in a trailer park. I’m sure he could have agreed to a town house or something, but that always stayed in my mind and I think it was the barrier that kept us from getting more serious than 22 year olds who’ve been dating for 2 years. If I hadn’t said ‘okay’ to breaking up when he asked if I wanted to, it might have gone differently. I just couldn’t see getting any more serious with someone who wanted to live in a trailer park.

      • Anon

        Sounds like he wanted you to join him in poverty…smh

  • When he said, “so there’s this girl I work with …”

    As he proceeded to say she was crazy, he didn’t like her, nothing was going on etc. Red flag. Somewhere in my infatuated (psycho) mind I thought, “wow, he’s being honest.”

    Never again.

    • Meg S

      I had a boyfriend who played the ‘every girl is crazy but you’ card. His female friends, his ex girlfriends, and I was probably added onto that list of crazy people after we broke up. No idea why I didn’t see that for what it was, because the common denominator was right in front of me.

      • ihaveacooch

        so many guys i know do this. you cannot brand a woman “crazy” because she disagreed or reacted to your behavior, ugh!

        • Meg S

          The current me knows that. The me at 20 dating someone 5+ years older than me did not.

      • Ana Tavares

        A huge red flag for me is when a guy complains – in a truly bitter way – about his exes. If he still hasn’t worked that out in his head, it’s because he’s immature and unwilling to take responsibility.

        • Meg S

          Yeah. It wasn’t just one ex, it was like… all of them, from years ago. At 25, he should have been able to own up to some of that. But he couldn’t keep a job because he wanted to play video games and be online all day so??? My expectations weren’t very high (work full time, pay your share of the rent, treat me with the respect I deserve), and he still failed to meet all of them.

        • LK Parke

          It’s the biggest red flag in the world. Complaining about exes is a Deal Breaker, maybe THE Deal Breaker. +5 if on a date.

    • Jill

      Same exact thing happened to me! Then we’d conveniently get into fights before he had company functions that were open to significant others and he’d tell me he needed to go alone. I later found out he was hiding all kinds of stuff, naturally.

      • Anon

        Sounds like a cheater….

    • Karen Brady

      Ugh..sorry.

    • Sharon

      This absolutely is a red flag. I make it a habit to never say anything bad about anyone unless we are close like my mom or my boyfriend that I’ve been dating for awhile and I need to vent… like vent badly. When people ask what I think about a company I left, or a person I actually do hate, or an ex…I always just say “we just went our separate ways”,”We have little in common”, “isn’t the right fit for me”, “we just weren’t right for each other”… because it says more about you to say nasty things about someone. Now my name isn’t really Sharon… and my posts on here were completely anonymous… I changed all named and everything so I don’t feel bad about venting to strangers about people none of you know because none of you know them or me. The guys I dated would know who I was instantly if they read the comments I made on here but who cares about that.

  • Patrizia Chiarenza

    This was such a great article and unfortunately I am the worst at catching red flags in time.
    The worst one was with this one guy who was much older then me. Only now do i realize how controlling he used to be, but at the time I was blind to it and saw it as love. Any time I’d have plans to hang out with my friends, he’d text me that he didn’t feel well and then would make me feel like a terrible girlfriend if I didn’t immediately run home to take care of him.
    I hope the next time I fall in love I am not as blind…

    • Anon

      I hope you’re no, either. You are much stronger than you think!

  • Hil

    omg we are the same person

  • Aydan

    Not realizing that all those conversations about our age difference (negligible in my opinion, but I was older) and how we are different we are (your friends are different, you act different, you like different things) were all him exposing his insecurities to me that he couldn’t handle how comfortable I am in my own skin….

    • omg I feel like I’ve been here too with all the blaming. arrgh!

  • My friend ignored it when her boyfriend said, in front of everyone at a party, that he was incapable of loving someone as much as he loves himself. (And he was referring to his looks)

    • Meg S

      This is sometimes the problem with being reasonably attractive and dating reasonably attractive people. You run into the occasional narcissist. My sister made the mistake of marrying one. I break up with them instead. 🙂

    • MM

      My ex used to say (quite frequently) that he loves himself more than ANYTHING in the world. With the emphasis on ANYTHING.

  • Another always tired girl here, reporting for duty!

    Um, maybe when after months of leading up to it, I started dating someone who was living across the country, and when I spent like $800 on a plane ticket to go see in him person for the first time since we ~made it official~ he didn’t offer to pay for my dinner at McDonalds? I’m all about splitting the bill but I mean……..come on.

    • Stevie

      Just a few weeks ago, I flew more than 24 hours to another contintent to see my long distance love, organized a surprise bday party for him, got a bunch of his friends together, this was all on the second day of my arrival by the way, the party I mean, so I was jetlagged as hell, the party was fun, later on the remaining people wanted to go to another pub, lover and I hadn’t eaten and I said he should definitely go to the pub and I may join, but I had to eat first to get some extra energy to get past jetlag, we all über to the pub, lover was going to come with me for food and then meet his friends again, hopefully with me joining and I ENDED UP EATIN FREAKING ALONE BECAUSE HE DIDN’T EVEN OFFER TO JOIN ME ONCE WE GOT TO THAT OTHER PUB.
      As it was my second day in town, and I was tired and wildly emotional and didn’t trust myself and of course it was his bday and he should enjoy himself, I ignored it, figured he was drunk and young and I just went back to his place, and stayed the rest of the week with him as planned. He dumped me the day before yesterday, and I kept on wondering what was wrong with me, when this is what was obviously wrong – he didn’t even care enough about my presence after a 27 hour flight to join me for a 10 minute quick meal before re-joining friends at a pub. F*cking hell.
      Also, he would say he call, and then wouldn’t. Happened a few times. Super annoying.

  • Harling Ross

    This is one of my top 5 favorite haley stories. so glad it became a full-blown essay. i, too, am crushed you are no longer in possession of the pro/con list and suggest you frame Maria’s illo instead.

  • “If you were a feminist, you wouldn’t be dating me, sweetheart.” WTF WAS I DOING?!

  • Ana Vla

    Red flag: he said I was not the prettiest in my group of friends!! I don’t know if I’m shallow or not because of this hahaha but he literally said: “Styles is definitely the prettiest, then Cute Squirrel and then Pretty Cat… and then you.”**

    **Names are changed for the sake of privacy

    • WHAT

      • Ana Vla

        I know. I was so blind.

    • ESW

      My dad gives excellent advice, and one piece of relationship advice he gave me once was, “Find someone who thinks you are the very best one.”

      • Ana Vla

        Dad’s are so wise but then you never listen to them when you’re a teenager do you?

      • Emily

        this just hit me right in the gut

        • ESW

          Same, girl, same.

          • Emily

            Why is it so hard to follow?! It’s so true! I don’t feel like that right now with my current boyfriend at all… get the violins out!

      • Nancy Rappa

        I agree but the timing of that is important. If they just met you and they start with that, RUN! Especially when they keep saying it over and over. I just met one of those and aside from other red flags, that was a sign of lunacy.

    • rachel

      I legitimately want to change my name to “cute squirrel” now, so thank you for that (I’d thank him, but he sounds like an asshole so…).

      • Ana Vla

        DO it!! Another proof: he had this “close friend” who I was a little jealous of but he always told me they were just friends, obviously. Three months later after he broke up with me, they’re dating. A-S-S-H-O-L-E.

    • Robin Fritche

      He told me, unsolicited, that I was cute, but not beautiful…that he would never tell me I was beautiful because I was not… But that I *was* cute. Ugh. I can’t believe I slept with that ass.

      Another made snide comments about my graduate studies, being liberal and a feminist, soooo many red flags with that one…

    • Jen

      Omg my ex said this too.

  • lily

    When another girl came forward and said that they had been having an emotional ~thing~ I ignored it and stayed with him. BUT GUYS I BROKE UP WITH HIM YESTERDAY AIAIAIAIAIIAIAIIIIIIIIIIIII (my personal girl power roar)

    • Bo

      GOOD now go back to his place and knee him in the groin

      • lily

        Lmao I love you

  • Lil

    For our first official date, my ex told me the wrong date (i.e. May 17 instead of 18). Luckily he gave me the concert ticket beforehand so I called him out about it. He apologized profusely and made it up to me.

    But wow. Should’ve ran so far because looking back, he’s so scatter brained (or easy going depending on how you look at it), and I’m definitely a Type A personality who needs google calendar invites and rsvps like clockwork. He broke up with me because we weren’t compatible. Glad he noticed it first because I was so willing to change my self which is never ok period.

  • Rachel

    Found out he had a tinder profile 3 years into our relationship 😂

    • Sharon

      WTF… I always said if I found out my guy was cheating I wouldn’t even confront him I’d just take myself out of his life without ever telling him because he doesn’t even deserve that. He can have his Tinder skanks. He’ll try to text, call, facebook and he wont ever know how to contact you. Then he’ll forever wonder wtf happened and how could she do that… and he deserves to… because that’s essentially what he did to you. Just ghost the shit out of him… 3 years into the relationship.

  • JB Fly

    Red flags are important, but some who is will to work through issue with you is always important too.

    Ms.Coco & The Gentleman Farmer – Building happy healthy relationships.
    https://mscocoandthegentlemanfarmer.wordpress.com/

  • We were seniors in high school and leaving for college 9 hours from each other. We had our first big fight because he didn’t think he’d be able to handle the distance. I convinced him he could. A year later he had cheated on me (and told me via Skype the day after I got back from seeing him). Coward. I shouldn’t have to convince you to want me. haha

  • Suzy Lawrence

    I just had a come-to-Jesus moment in a 5 yr on-and-off relationship when I was yelling to myself, “He lied! He lied!,” then took a beat and realized, “Wait…maybe he did lie, but this is the same lie he’s been saying since we were only 6 months in.” I’ve dated psychopaths with so many red flags I still thank the universe I didn’t end up cut into bits stashed in their freezer, but when those heavy ones hit, and you think of how naïve you must have been (and maybe still are), it stings.

  • Nothing major. I think my biggest red flags have come about from not listening to my gut. I had a grown ass man (or so I thought) hang up the phone on me in the middle of a heated conversation and I thought to myself, what 30 year old reacts this way to unpleasant situations? Turns out, anger issues. Luckily, I ditched that bitch. Another time I didn’t listen to myself, I was nearly entangled with a convicted felon who lied about everything, including his real name. Yup, I’ve had such an interesting past with toads lol.

    • Kattigans

      “Ditched that bitch” –ahaha yes!

    • Bo

      Oh my GOD tell about the felon

    • Lovely Lanice

      Same!! I just broke up with mine last night for constantly hanging up in my face. I’m sick of the disrespect ! We are grown and should know how to talk. But ignoring your gut could lead you so far astray! It’s scary smh

  • Amy

    I was in an awful relationship w someone who told me i’m a 7 out of 10 (unsolicited – I was not looking for a rating, thanks), that he didn’t listen to me a lot bc I’m “boring” and “prattle on,” that I complain too much.. he used to ask me for help w his creative projects for work, I’d spend days or weeks helping, then he would give credit or special thanks to anyone who even BREATHED on the project but somehow always forgot to include my name. I wish I could go back in time and give myself a shake. At the time, his comments just made me doubt myself and led me to assume that my bad qualities were preventing him from being the kind, respectful person he seemed to be towards everyone else. I hope he dates someone w more self-confidence than I had who punches him in the face.

    • Catarina Bizarro

      I was in an awful relationship myself for 5 years! And I still question myself, sometimes, why the hell was I with such a selfish person, who never appreciate me and made me feel so shitty. Do you feel the same way? Why so many girls put up with guys like this?

      • Emily

        I’m in a relationship where i constantly feel insecure and i’m not a priority… no idea why i’m still here, i love him, i think??

        • Kaitf7

          get out girl…

    • Brielle

      I’m in the exact same relationship as I sit here and write this. He makes me question myself when I know I’m right. I have been “trained” to always focus on what HIS reactions will be before I mention anything. He has a temper and never apologizes. I just re-enated a joke and he stared at me with absolutely no reaction – again. When I wave the situation off and say nevermind. He flatly replies I’m just tired. And then continues on and enjoys his tv show. Don’t ever end up like me.

  • ieatbees

    I think I’m realizing I’m not in a healthy relationship…

    • Jumpin

      I guess to continue the question from earlier if you’re still wantin help…does he write crazy notes about your flaws (well pros and cons I guess) and hide em like the article?? or like Mette above with him just sayin he’s too tired to talk about the relationship when you need him to, on TOP of being a jerk? Or is it like ALLLL of them combined on top of being short with you from the fight? Now I’m all curious lol. Sorry if it’s sensitive hang in there girl

    • Hiheyhi

      You will feel like you just put down two shopping bags full of emotions when you let go of someone who’s not good for you ,, even if you’re good for them — gooodlucK!

    • Kaitf7

      when I left my verbally and psychologically (and one time physically) abusive ex people told me I had never looked better in my entire life… literally, people who didn’t know what was going on were like whatever you are doing keep it up! You look amazing – it literally felt as if a dark cloud had been hanging over me and disappeared. Or like I had finally crawled out of this dark cave I had been stuck in… its hard but you can definitely do it. I was living with the guy and I just knew if I didn’t do it then I would never have the self confidence or courage again.

      • Anon

        Note to you: DO NOT SHACK UP WITH ANOTHER MAN UNLESS HE’S YOUR GOD-GIVEN HUSBAND! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

  • ieatbees

    I think I need some objective opinions here. I work outside the home, phone supervisor for the home equity division of a large bank. Hour drive away, so I spend two hours driving. He’s an aspiring director. I do the laundry, get my daughter up and to school every morning (she’s from a previous relationship, he’s the only dad she’s ever known), do the dishes, keep the kitchen and fridge clean, take out the trash and I do the best I can to keep the rest of our apartment clean. He’s a movie buff and collector, so I don’t touch those. We had a fight last night, where he raised his voice, called me names and refused to make eye contact. Fast forward to today, he called a b**** and brat because I told him I want to fix things between us.

    • snakehissken

      Better to have no dad than one who teaches you that it’s ok to treat people like that IMHO

    • belle

      well he sounds like a loser

      • Anon

        Some women are attracted to losers…

        • belle

          So? Plenty of us have been attracted to shitty guys in the past, but that doesn’t mean that we deserve to end up stuck with them.

    • Meg S

      Until he actually directs something, he hasn’t actually done anything. And… it sounds like he literally doesn’t do anything. So not only is he acting like a DB, he doesn’t do anything to help out at home. Does he work? Are you paying all the bills? If not, he’s not really contributing anything to the relationship at all. You’re a better example for your daughter than he will ever be.

    • Jumpin

      That sounds like a jerk. Gotta ask though did you instigate anytjing?

      you mentioned what he’s aspiring to do but does he work or actually act like a dad? Does he clean nothing? Lazy? Does he always act like that or is something else goin on?

      Just wanna find a little more to be helpful, everyone seems quick to call this dude a loser but damn fam it’s one paragraph. Don’t always have the whole pic for all we know she (he?) chopped off his ding dong and he mad. I mean, he’s probably a db but you know. Due diligence and all that lol

    • ESW

      So, I agree that we need some details – how long have you been together, and how old is your daughter? And are you married (though I am not sure how much this question matters)?

      But I am pretty sure you should, in the words of Dan Savage, DTMFA.

      Don’t stay with him because you are afraid. You are stronger than you know.

  • tiabarbara

    he used to lament not being able to afford to take me on dates and buy me nice things but bought himself a 42″ TV that he didn’t need.

    • Emily

      my boyfriend did this but it was a BMW (Y)

      • tiabarbara

        good lord that’s a lot of money to waste….

        • Emily

          tell me about it!

    • Anon

      He didn’t like you that much!

      • tiabarbara

        believe it or not, but he thought we were going to get married! he was just very bad with money

  • Cecily

    Being with someone who always told me that he hated everyone except me…I laughed it off as a joke (maybe it seemed sweet the first few times?) until I realized one day that he didn’t get along with many people and I was one of the few people he was nice to…aghh!!

  • Kay Nguyen

    Haha Love the sarcastic tone of this! I rarely even get a date, let alone finding deal breaker, btw isn’t hot = cute in some sense? Just curious…

    https://www.myblackcloset.com/

  • Vanessa

    My red flag is about not listening to myself.
    A week after a boyfriend and I got back together, I developed a deep crush on another guy. Two years and multiple crushes later, the boyfriend and I broke up. As soon as it was over, I thought, “This feels so good, why didn’t I do this sooner?” I thought I was just being a bad girlfriend.

    • Emily

      shit son i’m literally at this place right now

      • Alyssa

        I know someone who cheats and using his gf for money and she’s a controlling ass

  • Glitter Gossipgirl

    YES. An ex once told me he loved me because I was “chill”. LOL. I am the least chill person in the world, and fine with it. Definitely off the chart different values! (I actually didn’t ignore that particular red flag, and ended it with him shortly after, but trust me when I say I sailed right on past at least 77 other red flags).

  • Callie

    When he started buying clothes for me. And then later broke up with me saying he needed to be with a ‘stylish woman’. Oh yeah, and those clothes were too small (and nothing I wanted to wear), but he insisted I’d fit in to them soon. So thankful for that breakup, I just wish I’d beaten him to the punch!

    • Sugar Bones

      UUUUUUGH!

  • Sabah Malik

    ‘I am also funny, fucker!’ – literally whenever I am perplexed why a douche canoe doesn’t want to hang, I think this

    • Sabah Malik

      Oh ‘you’re not as cool as you seem, you’re pretty soft’ – because I said its rude to not text back…

  • Kate Andrews-Day

    I was moving and my boyfriend said he’d be by after work to help. Instead, he went to the pub with work friends, stayed there for several hours, moved on to a karaoke bar, and texted me at 2am to say what a great time he was having. I couldn’t afford removalists, so it was just me and my mum and a tiny car. I didn’t break up with him for another year, but in my defence he did own an amazing house in a small town in the country that still is my favourite place in the world.

  • Camilla Ackley

    When a guy I was very casually seeing told me he woke up in someone elses bed after a night out (kudos to him for just how casually he slipped it in, as though we were mates or something) and I just thought, ‘I should probably care more about this’. We never spoke again after that day. Definitely not into guys who aren’t 100% into me.

  • Lisa B

    he was convinced a woman should take the man’s family name when marrying, because of “tradition” and “just the way it is”. I disagreed but was stuck in a 6 hour car journey with him. Ended up dating for another 8 months, I should have jumped out of the moving car then and there. Mayor red flag!

    • Anon

      I want to hyphenate my name; I don’t want to take his name completely

  • Emily Hawe

    “If your boobs were a little bit bigger you’d have the perfect body”

    …thank you?

    • Kiks

      My first serious boyfriend once said I would have a really nice ass if my hips were smaller.

      For the record, I am 6’1 and wore a 29 jean at the time.

      And had an eating disorder.

      Thanks, bro.

      • Emily

        I was 19 and he had a hairline like Vegeta and a very underwhelming penis.

        Bros are the wrst

      • Sharon

        Hey I’m the same height! Tall girl’s club woot woot.

        • Kiks

          Yeeeeeah! I love it, we can wear the most ridiculous outfits that most people cannot pull off AND can reach everything on even the highest shelves.

    • Nose

      My first bf said he liked my face but my nose could be better

  • Allie

    Love this article, thank you!

    For me there were many. Favorites include: saying “adoption ruins families” (my brother is adopted), and telling me his ex-girlfriend and I are essentially interchangeable. Those were both in the same car ride. Why I didn’t jump out of the car and walk home is still beyond me.

    • Karen Brady

      Or Ubered😉

  • Alexis

    Red flag #1: “I don’t see what the hype is over Beyonce.”

  • interned for paul ryan >__<

  • hate to be cheesy but honestly dating my current bf (first serious relationship) has made me realize pretty much every guy I dated before consisted only of red-flag moments/interactions — only after seeing what healthy/supportive/right looks like I can look and be like, da fuq was I thinking? why did I ever find “challenging” or an attractive quality??

  • Martina Haymond Eckstut

    When his friend made a toast at his birthday that he will only get married when he could legally marry yourself. needless to say, he broke up with me for his job

  • Sugar Bones

    Oy, he told MY best friend that he was having doubts about our relationship because “what if it’s my last year to have a fun summer, you know?” PS he was 32 and “fun” meant getting shitty on whiskey till the sun came up several times a week.

  • Anna

    My first college boyfriend didn’t want to meet any of my friends, had me bring him lunch at work, and eventually about a month in he wanted me to start doing his laundry for him. Yeah, no. Should have ended it long before that!

  • me

    OMG: I FOUND A PRO-CON LIST, TOO !

    Under his coffee table. (No, I wasnt snooping. Really.)

    “Cons: Doesnt like dogs. Or tv. Gets stressed about work. ” (Oh, wah, so shoot me.) And a couple of other lame-ass things he didnt like about me.

    Him ditching me turned out to be one of the best things ever.

    • Emily

      I made a pro-con list – with 10 pros and 34 cons 🙁

  • Rosie

    Being hard to spot sometimes, as red flags are in relationships, I would like your sage advice on this one.
    My boyfriend of 3 years is sometimes dishonest. :O
    I found out about 2 years into our relationship, that he had been dating someone else casually when he met me. He immediately cut all ties with her when we met – which I have corroborated from friend interviews and snooping his Facebook messenger (not proud of this but I had to know!) he said that he just realized I was perfect and later was scared to admit he was seeing someone else, and then that he had lied – because he loved me and didn’t to lose me / p**s me off.
    Everything else about our relationship is perfect, he compliments me everyday, is caring and thoughtful and supportive.
    It’s just these little lies on occasion – more usually about completely innocuous things like having a burger and chips for lunch or a beer.

    Is this a red flag? Or is this a small fault, which I can choose to love him in spite of?

    • Vera Ivanova

      I would say something to keep an eye on but not yet red flag status

    • Anon

      Nothing in life is perfect. If he lies to you, he will cheat on you. Don’t be so naive to think that he won’t!

  • BabyGotYak

    An ex-boyfriend and I took a two-week trip to Bolivia and Peru. We hiked the Inca Trail, it was amazing. Except that I ended up with altitude sickness, a wicked sunburn (my skin turned BLACK), and food poisoning. Now, I’m pretty game for adventures (shitting outside in rural developing countries is a non-issue for me) but I’m sure I was miserable at some points. We still did everything on the trip. Anyway, on our last night in Lima, at a fancy New Years Eve dinner overlooking the Pacific Ocean I looked to him and said how much fun the trip had been. With a glass of champagne in hand he replied, “well, you ruined this for me,” and took a sip. HE TOASTED ME WITH A NEG. I stayed with him for a couple of years after that and he ended up breaking up with me over the phone. I was an idiot.

  • kc

    I dated a guy for four months who had never finished a book.

  • Ashley Minyard

    Ugh most definitely the dude who had a weird schedule and expected me to accommodate it, but would never do the same for me. I would go several days in a row with very little sleep just to hang out, and when he happened to have time off during the day that corresponded with mine he would suddenly drop off the face of the planet! At the end, we knew it was over because it had been a while since we’d actually seen each other face to face. I made plans with him with the intention of having a break up convo, he ended up bailing last minute because he was tired, and then after TWO WEEKS finally texted me saying, “oh did you still want to hang out?”

  • Lori D Chamelin Smith

    Something to think about..
    Favorite quote:
    He doesn’t have to have the best of things but..
    He has to treat me the best!!

  • Olivia AP

    Reading all the comment and thinking of all my similar experiences while also thinking WHY DO WE TAKE ALL THIS SHIT?!

    • Stevie

      Because we don’t love/value ourselves enough, and until we do , we’ll keep partnering up with people that don’t value us either.

    • Anon

      Because you’re STUPID!!!!

  • sarah

    Didn’t want our friends to know we were seeing each other, didn’t want me to meet his family. Couldn’t get his hands off me when we were alone, but cold as ice in public. boy bye 👋🏼

  • brie

    he told me he didn’t like that I wore jeans underneath my skirts and I wore too many layers.
    im cold and my skirt is clearly lonely. ugh.

  • deee_cue

    Red flag it took me awhile to realize– all the gifts he got me were meant to replace things of mine he didn’t like. Eff you, dude. College is a great time for a hot pink jansport backpack.

  • deee_cue

    Took me TOO long to see this one. All of his gifts to me were replacements for things I already had that he didn’t like. Eff that. Undergrad is a great time for a hot pink jansport backpack.

  • Amber

    my ex-boyfriend wouldn’t share his amazon prime password with me so I could catch up on Downton Abbey. Also, he got me his favorite socks and his favorite book for Christmas after over a year of dating…so many red flags.

  • rosie

    i was 18, he was 19, my first love, he was too lazy to work so i paid for everything, i was broke from bankrolling him and struggling so i begged him to get a job and eventually he did and hated me for it because he couldn’t stand the early mornings (9am) a week later on our 6 month anniversary he showed up at my place and told me he was leaving me for his ex girlfriend, who was at the time 16 years old and still in high school. i’ve never totally gotten over it.

  • Francesca

    dude. so many. among my personal favorites: once, he flaked on plans HE made with me because he was “high on xanax when I made those plans with you.” he was also the motherfucking KING of using “I’m tired” and flaked on plans yet another time because “it’s raining and I need to drive my mom around because she doesn’t drive in the rain.” (honestly ???) but I think my favorite excuse he ever made was when he “got dinner with my ex from 2008” because they’re still “friends.” did I mention he used to tell me he loved me in private but would introduce me as his “friend” in public? ugh. glad to report he’s finally out of the picture but holy shit was I navigating through that with some big ass blinders.

  • lillian c.

    he was wasted and I got his phone for him only to find a half nude photo of another girl sent to him with no other to or from texts. He told me it was sent unsolicited but??? no???? we stayed together for three more months before I realized what was going on and left him for my best friend who I’m happily cohabitating with four years later. So happy to not be 21 ever ever EVER again.

  • Bo

    When he told me that he and a mutual friend had their own secret rating system for the boobs of every girl in class, and I wasn’t even in the top five.

  • Isabella

    Two years into our relationship “I only dated you to see if I could get you” and “there was a girl hotter than you on the space needle”

  • Laurence

    told him I wanted him to read more, asked me if Garfield counted…

  • Anna Zavaruhina

    He had to move to other country for a business trip for a month. We agreed to meet the day he leaves. He called me and told that he will be in an hour, after three hours he calls me again and says he had some urgent stuff to do. I asked him maybe he coud grab a taxi so we could spend at least an hour tohether, but he said it’s too expensive…so he came by tram and brought me ice cream, and went away in 2 minutes.

  • Autumn Sky Hall

    ‪Just had the weirdest flashback to when I parted my hair to the side once and my ex got upset because that “was how my ex did her hair.” And I thought I was the one in the wrong and cried lolllll

    He also told me he was still in love with not one, but two of his ex’s, and gay bashed two others for deciding to be with women after they were with him. Keeper.

  • doobydoobydoo

    So his list was basically “Pros: I can fuck her / Cons: she’s a person”. Wow, what a gem.

    • Haley Nahman

      hahahah i know

  • Hana Naomi Reddin

    Said he didn’t like women telling him what to do

    • Anon

      Did he tell you what to do?

  • Carson McCrullers

    Woke up with a horrifying staph infection and could barely walk. He made me drive myself to the Cedars Sinai ER because “finals are next week, and you know I hate hospitals. I can’t believe you would stress me out like this right now.” (We dated for 6 more months, and HE broke up with ME 🙄🙄🙄)

    • Elizabeth Beanland

      How are you now?

  • zoe

    Biggest flag I missed: couldn’t prioritize me over the rest of his life. I’m shy about it but realistically I want my romantic relationship to be the most important one in my life- so why should I get anything less from him?

    • Emily

      i’m also in this exact position right now 🙁

  • Julianna Rodríguez

    Biggest red flag: having to ‘getaway’ to feel better (aka running away from thoughts and emotions). I had suspected that something was off with him…maybe depression? Flashback to our breakup…all of the sudden it was our relationship that was causing all of this unhappiness and stress :-/

    • Emily

      i’m in this position right now… i’m sick of him, went to a counsellor last night who basically told me that i’m the “parent” in the relationship and that he’s dragging me down… still not 100% ready to end it though 🙁

      • artemis

        Emily, I’ve seen you post on a number of comments on this thread. Ditch that bitch. Trust in yourself you’ll find someone else more deserving of you. I made a bunch of terrible, terrible mistakes not trusting in myself and gave guys benefit of a doubt despite red flags hitting me in the face. I felt like I disrespected myself for someone else. Much happier now that I gotten away from the red flag aholes.

  • Anonymous

    I am posting this out of desperation for some outside advice (since my friends are biased and never really liked my bf of 4 years). I’m going to start with the good – so I don’t just talk about the shit and get opinions based just off of that. My boyfriend is the most loving, romantic, fun, open guy I’ve ever dated. He buys me flowers when I have bad days, he makes an effort to make me happy, he listens to me, he does things I want to do just because he loves to make me happy, we go on fun hikes/vacations together, he never lets me forget that he thinks I’m gorgeous, etc etc. Essentially he is over the top great.. most of the time. But, he has FUCKED up a few times. I will list a few things that have happened: he has an addictive personality and used to mix clonopin/ambien and alcohol and turn into a blackout monster (punch holes in walls and say stupid shit – never ever hurt me though), he used to be extremely manipulative (would make me feel bad when I wanted to go hang out with friends by saying he had nothing to do and would be so bored, or that he was “really looking forward to spending time with me”), has drugged me without my consent (put acid on my tongue as I was telling him I didn’t want to try it), my friends hate him (but put up with him because they just want me to be happy), has tried to sway me from doing what I wanted to do (was so upset about me deciding to go on a FIVE WEEK study away program, and asked me to stay with him in our home town for a semester while he paid off a debt even though I wanted to go back to school then), and just last year was talking poorly about me and our relationship with another girl, telling her how he thinks she is pretty and saying shit like “ugh, monogamy” (when he was caught he said he would never do that again or anything like that that would jeopardize our relationship…).

    I am very very forgiving, so when he says he will work on his issues, I believe him, and see these things are more “catastrophic mistakes” than dealbreaking red flags. I forgave because I trusted that he would work on himself and because his good qualities were so stand-out wonderful that I thought it was worth keeping the relationship going. We are in a long distance relationship currently, and he wants me to move out to him. I really really believe he has changed – he no longer acts manipulative, he has stopped abusing drugs (from what I know), and said he has remained absolutely faithful to me and wants to build our future together in California. I don’t want to break up because he is wonderful and I’ve never clicked with someone so much, but I’m just worried that I’m being stupid or blinded right now.. I’m worried that I’ll move out there and it’ll be a mistake, but I’m also worried that if I break up with him it will be a mistake. Please please give me feedback. Please be nice too, I know it sounds so bad, but you have to understand that maybe things are hard for me to see because I’m inside it, look outside looking in.

  • lil can

    biggest red flag: she had been ignoring me/generally treating me like shit (practically ghosting me even tho we were in a serious relationship) for a few days. i tried to talk to her about it and she said, “you know lily, this doesn’t really make me Want to talk to you.” I apologized for bringing it up at all and continued to allow her to treat me like shit while i convinced myself I was “being crazy” and just making up problems out of my anxiety. She broke up with me a week later.

  • John

    My biggest problem is when I run into someone with two XX chromosomes. These days that’s a huge deal breaker. From a guy’s point of view, relationships are all cost and no benefit. Heck, I’d even settle for 80/20. Women have priced themselves out of the market, and I’m out. Never felt better and more free in my entire life! #MGTOW

    • MK

      well don’t you seem like a treat!

      • Haley Nahman

        lolll

      • Anon

        LOL!

  • John

    Oh – and if I were still in the market, if you snoop you’re gone. Insecurity is not attractive. Neither is lack of trust. Feel free to dump me if I ever act insecure or do something untrustworthy. I’ll certainly do the same.

  • Tiffany

    I was always told l: “Careful with snooping you may find more than your bargained looking for. ” and I did…. My biggest red flag was my bf would diasapear for long periods of time after a night out together. I would call him to say good night and his phone would be off until the next day. Following my gut, (aka anxiety, inner insecure omg you’re cheating on me vibe)
    I snooped through his phone and saw he was calling a few people AFTER he had dropped me off at home. So I wrote it down and typed it in google, and was redirected to an ad for transgender prostitutes. The good news is I didn’t end up on an episode of Who the FK did I marry.

  • Rosie

    HALEY. I know I’m months late on this discussion, but I COULD NOT RELATE MORE to that pros/cons list — it’s literally the same as the one my ex practically recited to me when he broke up with me last year. I’m also “not adventurous enough” and “hate games”!!! Like sorry that I don’t want to play Monopoly or go rollerblading through the treacherous streets of Philadelphia?? I’d rather drink tea in a cozy coffee shop or go to a museum but he WOULDN’T DO THOSE THINGS WITH ME EITHER, SO…???

    This feels fresh rn because I learned last night that he has a new girlfriend (lol “learned”, I literally was snooping on his tagged Instagram pics and hit the jackpot). A few days ago he had posted an Instagram story of them playing Operation in his room (why?? that game is the WORST), which used to be *our* room. Yeah, he still lives in the same apartment we shared for 2 years. Oh and she rides a motorcycle, so I guess he found his adventurous, game-loving chick. BARF.

    I know that I’m better off and there were a million red flags I was ignoring because I loved the heck out of him and thought we were happy. But things end for a reason. And I’m gonna refer back to this article when I forget that!

  • Alix

    when you’re having a fight on the street at night about a party you feel uncomfortable going to (mainly because of his rude female friends that will be there) and instead of solving it, he leaves you on the street and goes to the party without you. NOPE

  • Viivi

    never actually dated, but…he was gay. I was in love with him for a half a year anyway.

  • Christine

    I was with my bf and I was helping him find his phone, when I called his phone from mine, the dirty disgusting C..t word came up before my name. I was crushed. He hadn’t called me in days and when I saw this he tried to say he has clumsy fingers. It was an oversight.
    I don’t believe that for a minute.

  • JD plush and more

    Wow I feel like I read a confession from my partner. Just wish show respect once by telling me the truth instead of putting me through the ringer to keep it from me. I cannot even access Internet like a human being. I feel like I served a death sentence x2. I wish I was wrong about my intuition but unfortunately I have a feeling I’m not.

  • Sigh

    Dated a single dad for almost a year. Not a jealous woman but saw many red flags concerning his relationship with his daughter and ex.
    He had been broken up with his ex for years and the girl was under 5. The ex gf (never was a wife btw) used to guilt him and insinuate threats to take the child away in order to make him compliant with all her demands. He would bend over backwards, let ex walk all over him, and spoil the kid in the most outrageous ways. Some odd behaviours of his were professing how he would spend any amount of money on his daughter to have rediculous items ie; when she is older I will remortgage my house to get her whatever car she wants. If he had more kids his daughter would remain the favourite, he once told me. Took her to spa days at the age of a toddler, so she can have her hair done and nails painted? I witnessed him purchase thousands of dollars worth of gifts for her that year, but he gave me a $50 gift card.
    Somebody tell me this is not creepy

    • artemis

      Sounds like something similar that happened to me. Except the child was biologically not his. DNA test proved it. Spent thousands on gifts and activities on child, I got one gift in a span of a year. Good Dad but I realized we weren’t meant to be.

  • Yvesse

    Cocaine.

  • Pudenda Shenanigans

    He told me he had to go to Kentucky to see his dying father but a Facebook tag showed that he was in Utah on vacation with his side girl.,……… His dad is fine BTW.

    • Anon

      Smh….

  • Brenda

    My ex had told me to “date other people to make sure I wasn’t missing out one an experience” WHILE WE WERE ALREADY IN A SERIOUS MONOGOMOUS RELATIONSHIP. I just thought he was being extra considerate :/

  • Nancy Rappa

    Sometimes one looks for clues because one already feels something is wrong? Just don’t ignore gut feelings or suspicion. I don’t encourage paranoia but women just know when something is off. I just dodged a big bullet before I got involved with a guy. I delved into some of his stuff online as much as I could and that was enough besides what he actually told me. I found out some things that would have made me homicidal if they came to light after we had ever become intimate. His ex was really trashy and quite unattractive and from my research on the internet, I found out she used to be a pole dancer. It was awhile ago but let me say now that you can see she’s not classy just from her online photos. Major turnoff for me. I’m not the kind of woman to be content because I’m the prettier and classier one. Initially he told me they went out last year for about 9 months and then broke up. Then he later told me after spending weeks chatting that they got back together briefly this year. He said he was waiting to get more comfortable to tell me that. BULLSHT! So I told him what else were you waiting to get comfortable enough to tell me?
    He then says “Well I’m glad I found out what you’re really like”. HAAAAAAAAAAAA OMFG. The way he tried to turn the tables. Also, after they broke up, his girlfriend got an apartment on the same block where he lives. You wanna talk some psycho nonsense here? In my opinion, if you can find things out even before the first date, it’s not a bad things as long as you’re not going too far or breaking the law. You may save yourself from wasting time and dealing with insane situations and losers.

  • Kami Victoria Jenkins

    Been together for 17 years. We have on 17 year old son together. We fought a lot but always came through it all cause of the love we had for each other. Always strugled with money. Until he got a better job, worked all the time. But hey the $$ was a blessing or so I thought!! We had no worries about money for a whole year. Hadn’t had sex in a month and a half. And yes, that was odd. But he was always working and I was always working so I just let it go. I thought everything was ok. Until he just stopped comming home. He blammed it on work. But then it became obvious that he wasnt coming back home. He’s been gone for a year and 3 months now. We have only talked nicely once since the break up and that was just last month. But I think it was only about Child Support cause he didn’t want to go to jail for not paying. Plus our son tells me that the whole family wants him to come back to me but do it slow with dates and getting to know each other again. I told my ex that I do not want that.

  • Rose

    My first boyfriend looked and seemed head over heals for me. It was all going good until one night when he got really drunk told me that he “wanted to get back with his ex” I talked to him about it when he was sober and he said that he didn’t want to get back with her. THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN MY FIRST RED FLAG. Then 4 months in we were doing great, he already told me that he loved me and he would compliment me and made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. Then I look over and he has a 200 day streak with his ex and she’s texting him and she’s his second best friend on Snapchat. NEXT CLUE. Then he tells me a couple weeks later that she wants to get back together and that she’s sorry and misses him!!!! He told me this and said that he didn’t want to. Then one night I asked about meeting his family and then he jumps to how his ex met his family and started ranting about her. Saying that he hated her and that she was a terrible person and a mean person all together. NEXT CLUE!!! Then at the movies the same night he goes “ugh she’s texting me again” and ofc he responds like he always does. I think he was trying to make me jealous. Who knows? Then I was driving his car with him in the next seat and then he starts freaking out telling me not to stop. AND GUESS WHO HE SAW!!! His ex. He was flipping out because she didn’t know about me. NEXT CLUE!!! The relationship was a little weird because he would never text me only snapchat me but never asking what I was doing that day or how I was doing. Turns out he wasn’t over his ex. I’m a idiot, I can’t believe I missed all the signs!!! Whatever…he was bad at giving head so not a total loss

    • Anon

      LOL!

  • Ciny

    My ex-boyfriend took me on a vacation, I thought we were going to work things out but the whole week all he did was order escorts to his room while I was sitting there what was his reasoning?

  • Ciny

    My ex took me on vacation in the whole time all I did was pick up escorts

  • Alisa Stone

    The first time we met he told me he was still living with his ex but they weren’t together. BS!!!!

  • Zarozian

    Not playing video games is like a huge con. e .e

  • Eliza

    Hi! Would looOove to hear more about lessons learned re: snooping. I’m in a situation where I trust my partner, but maybe not fully? And I don’t know if that’s because of my insecurities, signs I’m correctly reading, or some unfortunate cocktail of the two. (Also I feel like I’m calling into Delilah’s radio show right now this is great.) Sincerely, Stressed And Curious

  • Jen

    He broke things when he lost his temper. Yeah, don’t need to tell you how that progressed further down the line. The adage is always true.

  • Betty

    My husband broke up with me because i was unable to conceive and have my own child for him.He told me that he still love me but he can not just continue with me without a child, i went to the hospital for checkup and the Doctor told me that there is nothing wrong with me but i kept wondering why i could not get pregnant for my husband. As i was browsing through the internet i came across testimonies of people Lord Bubuza has helped so i hurriedly contacted him via email and he responded that he will help me and i will smile again, i did all he told me and to my greatest surprise my husband came back to me begging me on his knees to forgive him which i did and we had sex, One Month later i went to the hospital and the Doctor told me i was pregnant and just 4 days ago i gave birth to triplet which made me vow to my self that i will let the world know about Lord Bubuza. Are you having any problem?hurry now and contact Lord Bubuza via email: lordbubuzamiraclework@hotmail.com or via website: http://Lordbubuza.website2.me or via WhatsApp: +1 518 558 5109 !!

  • Jennifer Mills

    Hi everyone, don’t be afraid to check what your husband or spouse is up to. This is very important for we ladies to know.. I can relate you to a reliable and professional hacker to do the spy work on your partners phone, their contact is cyberintelligent13@gmail.com. This is a very helpful source.

  • Marisol

    I always wore crop tops & tight clothing and he knew that. We started dating and immediately told me he’d break up with me if I wore anything less than baggy , full coverage clothing. That was the start of something I was not prepared for.

  • mar

    You know girls for me the thing is (and heres insight coming from a looong list of asshole boyfriends)
    -is that I just couldnt believe someone could be such an ass.
    I thought to myself – he must be joking. No one can actually say this to another person. He just has such bad humor. I didnt hear correctly.
    But turns out, if you just casually ask again:
    -yeah, right? Hey say that again that was so funny

    And he’ll say it back to you, turns out HE IS THIS ASSHOLE,
    this is actually possible
    just leave the loser
    Gosh I dont understand why I have such trouble believing people can be so cruel.
    🙁

  • drew

    My husband put everyone before me. He never take me out or anything. He talks about his friends and when they call him my husband’s laughing so hard with them but never laughs with me; My husband never would make love to me when I come to him. He shut me down and tell me he isn’t a morning person. It has been a year prior to marriage that my husband had not touched me or made love ❤️ to me. Well, I discovered I was played for a fool the whole time. Who knows possibly saved my life. I discovered this person manipulated me for over 9 years. The best thing I ever did was to get in touch with some tech guy called “Barry” He saved me so much trouble by hacking into his cellphone and got evidence he was cheating on me with some of his friend’s wife and coworker. You tell him Gigiunloved referred you to him
    Contact: siamlitecoders AT g mail DOT com

  • Anabmassa

    My boyfriend says he has commitment issues. . . I know he’s troubled now trying to find a job and his parents made him hate the idea of family. (They really are horrible people, I know firsthand.) I just want him to be able to picture a future together with me the way I fantasize about a future with him. I really don’t want this to be a red flag. Sometimes I think my depression anxieties are rushing me because he is the only happiness in my life and that I should slow down. We’ve been together for a year and I don’t know if he should be thinking about the future yet. He still has to get his life together (like a job and his own apartment). What does the All-Knowing-and-Mighty Internet think?

  • Sharon

    Guy 1: This was the most recent guy. He would ask me how my day was and me needing to vent I would ask his opinion on things and hear silence.. then i would be hurt and tell him “Never mind. I’m over it” until finally I confronted him and he said “I’m not a good person to talk to”. WTF… we were in a relationship. He also never liked anything I ever posted on facebook but would like other girl’s posts. Anyways, I ended up catching him lying, saying he was at the gym when he wasn’t responding to my texts about my birthday. I saw where he was on snap maps but I ignored it until it became ridiculous and I confronted him. He called me a stalker and blocked me on everything two days before my birthday. Lovely. Anyways, maybe it was creepy for me to call him out and not trust him but I never accused him of cheating and his first instinct was to call me a stalker and block me on EVERY form of social media instead of admitting he was wrong which tells me he was up to no good. I was hurt and cried all night to my mom but felt better the next day when I took a step back and really looked at the situation. He clearly didn’t give two shits about me and only wanted me around because it was convenient. That says nothing about me. He was constantly showing off and this made me feel like I had nothing to offer in the relationship when really, he was probably showing off to make up for whatever he felt he couldn’t give me or to make someone else jealous. Who knows. I never will… because i’m still blocked.

    Guy 2: We actually clicked really hard when we first met and talked until 2 in the morning. Then things started to fall off. He would talk shit about his mom all the time and he told me his parents were on the verge of a divorce. Even if it doesn’t seem like it… that’s a huge red flag. He called his neighbor his mom away from home and he told me his women neighbors would frequently come over and they would talk about things like masturbating and sex toys. He tried to play this off as normal. Yikes. Then he sent me off to get my nails done with these women and one of them said she was having a procedure done and would have Alex take her (this was my boyfriend’s name). Then I asked her how her and Alex met and she got all weird and said “Your Alex or my Alex… because I have an Alex”. Why would I be talking about your Alex. I don’t know your Alex. Talk about paranoia. The next weekend he invited me over for a whole weekend was all depressed and shoved me in a corner. Wouldn’t help me open the hood of my car (the latch was stuck) so I could check my oil to get home and told me to do it myself. I asked him what was up because he was being weird and asked him if there was someone else. He said he was hurt. Then he told me I was over at his place too much, said he needed some time to think but would text me every morning. When I would try to bring up how he was feeling he would remind me again that he needed some space. Finally I was like, dude… what does space mean? We agreed it wasn’t working and although I was hurt, I moved on and so did he… very quickly… because he said he was back in a relationship the next day.

    Guy 3: We met online. I’m not proud of this but I manipulated him into telling me about his exes. He told me that him and his first girlfriend were dating 5 years and they fought all the time and he had to end “whatever fairy tail was in her head”. His parents were divorced. The next girl he said he had dated her for 6 months and all of the sudden she was with someone else. That doesn’t just happen. A week after that I put the puzzle together when we had been dating two months and he still didn’t want to call me his girlfriend. We broke up because we wanted different futures according to him even though on his dating profile he said he wanted all the things I did. I never really forgot about this guy because I wondered if he wanted the same things… just not with me UNTIL I checked on him recently, saw he had dated a normal girl with a really great job and he didn’t have a label on it. He actually ended up breaking up with her the same weekend me and my recent ex broke up. When I checked her Facebook she was being passive aggressive about how she was single and available. I’m my head I was like girl, you are a doctor and he’s just a really good looking shit head. You’ll find someone wayyyyy better. It also made me feel better because clearly, he has commitment issues.

    Guy 4: He would invite me out and introduced me to his friends and family and talked about marriage and all that shit but wanted to have sex all the time and was asking for nudes from me. I never felt okay about that. He was actually an okay guy… but he was young and knew how to play me. I just think he may have been a little too caught up on the sex and not about making each other better. He ended up contacting me 7 months later… again just mentioning sex and how he always thinks about me…. I said “if you really feel that way we can be friends but nothing more”. He said he was hurt… and agreed to be my friend and then he sent me a nude. I didn’t respond and he sent a text “Umm can you delete that? Please please delete that”. I did. He was with another girl a week later and I never heard from him again.

    Guy 5: This guy was a real asshole but said he was a nice guy. Always watch out for guys who have to tell you they are a nice guy. He was a farmer in Wisconsin. Parents were divorced. His dad kept porno mags around the house and was remarried to so someone else. Real classy shit… let me tell ya… but I was young and naive and still kind of am… I’m trying, guys. He was cheating on me but I was in denial… I mean he never did put a label on us but after 3-4 months… I’m expecting us to be exclusive. He is still dating the girl he cheated on me with. She seems like a very nice girl, from Iowa, and I never blamed her… but I am sort of glad that wasn’t me because its been 5 years and I knew from the moment he cheated on me with her that he was never going to marry that poor girl… and that poor girl is now 27 or 28… and I’ve seen signs that she wants to get married from what she posts about her own parents and their relationship and how successful it is. She bought a house, sold it… then bought a second house with him. I know its weird that i’m still checking up on them 5 years later but it helped me understand what my future would’ve been like with him and I laugh now when I think back at how distraught I was and how my mom said things happen for a reason. I would’ve been strung along for years and I don’t want that.

    The last one did hurt… for TWO years after this happened… and I’m still dealing with issues from this. It’s not easy to overcome someone being unfaithful and I’m very quick to silently keep an eye on who i’m dating. Obviously, I’m learning that I need to tone it down and learn to trust… I guess that’s my own red flag… but I also need to find the right guy who won’t give me a reason to question anything. I think we meet people to grow and learn so that we CAN find this person. With each guy the break up hurts less because you think they were the one and they weren’t but that pain doesn’t sting as much because you realize after the breakup what the red flags were. Eventually it doesn’t take years to realize that those were actually red flags and it would’ve worked out. The more failed relationships you have the easier and faster it becomes to pinpoint the wrong things which would’ve lead to disaster. You are able to move on quicker, learn what to avoid, and then one day that guy comes along and you wonder what you ever saw in all the other guys. This guy is far from perfect but he’s perfect for you and that’s all that matters. I haven’t found this yet but I know I will.

  • anon

    After 2 years of dating he didn’t know my birthday. He never asked me questions or seemed the least bit interested in me. He was always angry and snapped at me. If i did so much as shiver from cold, he got mad and told me to stop it. So I didn’t get to talk much to him. We weren’t very close and didn’t know each other well. Now I don’t consider that dating. But I did then, so I’ll just mention this incase it can help warn others. Often, but not always, he would invite me places I really didn’t want to go to, then make fun of me for not wanting to go, manipulate me into going, then let me pay for both of us even though I was/am on disability and didn’t/don’t have much money. I was in college at the time. I got up early for school, worked out hard at the gym, and should have been going to bed early. He got mad when I was tired when staying up late to visit him. He got mad when I was tired when I was bored when i was with him. He decided something was wrong with me and told me to get tested for diabetes (because I also drank a lot of water). No diabetes. I wasn’t physically attracted to him, nor did I think he was an attractive guy, but I always heard that stuff didn’t matter. When he never made me orgasm in 2 years, he insisted there was something anatomically wrong with me. So I went to the doctor who told me I had nothing even resembling what he said and nothing at all wrong with me and the reason for no orgasm w/this guy was mental, which I figured as much. It never occurred to him someone could just not be attracted to him. He wasn’t a very attractive guy (some even told me he was ugly and asked what I was doing with him) but he was very conceited. When he first asked me out (in a cowardly way by lying to me saying someone told him i wanted to go to a concert with him when I said no such thing), I guess I couldn’t say no, because I have a problem saying no to people or letting them down in some way. In fact, he was always mad at me. I used to buy him gifts or make him cookies, wash his car, make him soup when sick. Yet he never seemed to really think of me when not directly in front of me. One weird thing is that he never referred to me by my name. He only referred to me as “hey”. I’m wondering if he thought of me so little that my name didn’t come to mind immediately when he wanted me attention? When he caused things to go wrong for me or damage to my things, he never apologized. Like he was incapable of thinking he could do wrong. Then he cheated on me with a girl who hates him, then he broke up with me. That was like 20 years ago. I have never dated since, and life has improved exponentially. I guess I didn’t notice the red flags and thought it seemed normal to me, because I have parents with anger problems? I don’t know…

  • Kelly Kidd

    So a key falls out of my boyfriend’s pocket. He said it was Heather and Mike’s and he had the key because he had to go measure a bathtub in a trailer she just bought. Heather is the Administrative Assistant for his company. I heard them talking on the phone about a week prior and he was all happy and laughing at her just like he did when we started dating. He has stopped spending time with me and falls asleep on me whenever I’m trying to read meditations to strengthen and build our relationship. So I approached him with this the next morning when it dawned on me that this was to Heather that he was talking to on the phone he was very defensive little by little he revealed more and more to me as I questioned him and as he kept hanging up in my face. He says she’s just a friend she calls him from work while he’s in the field and tells him on Valentine’s Day about Mike not asking her to marry him and it bothered her. My boyfriend also knows that they lost their place they’re both living with their parents in separate homes and she spends the weekends with him all the way down to what she has in the bank $7,000 for their trailer to fix it up. It goes against my core values morals and boundaries for a healthy relationship and I would just like to see what others have to say about this kind of behavior. He says he does not ever tell her anything about our relationship other than I like crafts and I’m painting and how much he loves me. But my argument is why would a woman call a man up he’s already taken just out of the blue and loads her detailed life problems, schedule, money and times on him if he himself is not doing the same. Please give me some insight on this?

  • Maple

    My boyfriend had pictures of my best friend on his phone and would write her name on pieces of paper and when I confronted him he said “it’s just a crush”, now he’s changed his phone password and swears that he doesn’t have anymore pictures of her.

  • Dumb

    So many warning signs I stupidly ignored. Started with him hiding a video camera and taping us having sex with my knowledge. Then countless caught lies – from his having live sex chats on porn sites to catching him cheating on me. I learned he cheated for years, hooking up with other women. Swore it was protected sex. I come to find now he gave me HPV and I’m being tested for cervical cancer because of a high grade abnormal Pap smear. He flirted with a woman in the waiting room while I was in surgery for a biopsy on the possible cancer he might have caused (he was the only ride I could get). Learn from my stupidity. Pay attention to the warning signs. There were sooo many more I forgave that I didn’t mention. I’m in therapy now to learn from this and not repeat these bad choices if I ever get the chance at another relationship.

    • Lovely Lanice

      Wow! My so sorry 😞

  • Nu

    When we started dating, he told me that one of his exes broke up with him because she said he was selfish. Over a year later, he told me that I came second in his life (he came first). It made me aware that all the other little red flags I was giving excuses for came back to what his other ex noticed before I did.

    That said, I wasn’t perfect either. But I was often trying more than he was, I think.

  • Christopher Bogdan

    I was separated from my child’s father for a while and he was introducing his new partner to my son without my permission,I said nicely to him that I don’t not feel comfortable with someone he’s known two weeks around my child,he agreed and apologised a week later my son sees his father on a sat after seeing his father my son told me he went out with his dad and could not tell me who else he was with only to find out he was with his new partner I called him and said I wasent fine with it. and she then spoke to me on the phone and told me I was an unfit mother and was verbally abusive to me down the phone. He started being very verbally abusive to me also. he moved away with her and only saw him on Sat. he didn’t pay me any child support either for weeks. I spoke with prophet Laz and he helped me pray for my relationship and Laz removed the love spell that the Vietnamese lady used on my child’s father to take him from me. I’m happy that he called me yesterday and apologized and told me he realized his mistakes for leaving me.. Prophet Laz is so far the best spiritual father anyone could have. Laz’s Direct contact is +14105535852 [WHATSAPP] 🙂