I must admit that when popular science research publication Goop first suggested I insert a jade egg in my vagina in order to to have better sex, I was skeptical. This was due in small part to the repeated use of the word “yoni” (which made me think of the musician Yanni), and in large part to the suggestion that I stick a sizable, heavy gem into my body.
The practice looks like this: Put it in, live your life or do some exercises — it can be in there for four to six hours — and then take it out. That’s really it! According to beauty guru and healer Shiva Rose, you must do this daily for about a month before you’ll notice any results, which might seem like an eternity, but really it’s only half an eternity. Of the myriad benefits, Rose told Goop: “Jade eggs can help cultivate sexual energy, increase orgasm, balance the cycle, stimulate key reflexology around vaginal walls, tighten and tone, prevent uterine prolapse, increase control of the whole perineum and bladder, develop and clear chi pathways in the body, intensify feminine energy, and invigorate our life force. To name a few!”
To name a few is right, but I wanted more.
As if reading my mind, this morning Goop published a follow-up to its original jade-egg evangelism, titled “12 (More) Reasons to Start a Jade Egg Practice.” By “practice,” I assume they mean insert, watch 12 episodes of Seinfeld, then be more in touch with my feminine energy. “We’re never particularly surprised when our stories break the internet,” writes Goop humbly, “but we were surprised by the reception of the jade egg, which stirred up a formidable debate about the practice.” What follows is what appears to be a letter-to-the-editor-style response from a sexuality coach named Layla Martin, Goop reader and jade egg aficionado.
Martin cites additional reasons such as, “There are currently no scientific studies proving (or disproving) the effectiveness of a jade egg practice,” and, “The jade egg does not cause toxic shock syndrome,” and, “Stay curious.” I walked away convinced. And in case you didn’t, I’d like to offer up a few more reasons for which you might explore jade egging as soon as possible:
Next time someone says, “It’s what’s inside that counts,” you can say, “Sure is,” with a sexy wink.
It’s hard to find the right time to wink, but this is the perfect time and will make you a lot of friends.
You can store them on your book shelf for decoration when not in use.
They are gems, after all.
Fancy paperweights are so 1995. Join the digital age and put your weights up, not on.
Bonus: You can repurpose your old desk accoutrement. Free starter kit!
It will make you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.
Not explaining this.
It brings a whole new meaning to “eggs for breakfast.”
Tired of old tropes? Me too. Be the change.
It’s about time you took advantage of Nature’s Purse.™
You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains? The same is true of our vaginas, I think.
They’re an investment you can pass on to your offspring.
Imagine your future child’s graduation party with Jade Eggs.
Climb out of the pocket of Big Kegel.
Don’t stand for kegel propaganda. Find new ways to strengthen muscles you can’t feel.
When people pay you compliments you can say, “Thanks, must be the egg!”
And never explain it as it’s cool to leave people guessing.
It will put you in touch with the chicken experience.
This is key. That we, as women, don’t more literally understand the daily experience of chickens is horrifying. You’re not a real woman until you lay a jade egg.
Let me know if you’re convinced. See you on the other side of this four to six hours!
Get your Jade Egg here. Collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt; photo by DeAgostini via Getty Images.