You know when you’re out shopping on a Saturday afternoon with no intention of buying anything other than maybe a fake septum ring to trick your boyfriend into thinking you casually decided to get your nose pierced last-minute as a fun weekend prank? And you have to shuffle past the hair accessories to get to the jewelry and you always knock something down because you’re in a huge winter coat? Well, the last time I did this was at the beginning of March, and as I bent down to pick up the poor headband that hit my hip, I made eye contact with a familiar frenemy: the flower crown.
Historically, flower crowns signal both a.) the annual spring/summer festival season alarm and b.) this gif to go off in my head.
I can’t help it. But I also get it. Flowers are pretty, the ’60s were cool, Lana Del Rey recently unveiled her new album cover. But now that we have the luxury of a perennial flower-crown filter on Snapchat, maybe it’s time to angle our heads slightly outside the festival-headwear box. I keep leaving the jewelry section with approximately zero faux nose rings (spoiler alert), but I have found five things to stick on my head and in my hair to spend the next four-ish months flower crown-free.
Let’s start with a baby step. If I’ve done my calculations correctly, the whole “crown” aspect makes up roughly 50 percent of a flower crown. If you’re hesitant to branch out, try coronating yourself with an all-natural, organic, grass-fed, cage-free crown. People are already doing it, festival season be damned. Wear one to your shows, wear one on the street, wear one right now for Queen Elizabeth’s birthday.
Virtually every other ’90s trend has been resurrected, so you knew this was coming. Scrunchies are a great alternative for my fellow utilitarians of the world: They keep your sweaty hair out of your sweaty face and off your sweaty neck. They’re also the least pokey and most comfy of hair accessories — like a pillow for your topknot. Pick shimmery ones to make it look like you kinda tried.
You thought the scrunchie was the last stop on the ’90s hair revival tour, didn’t you? If having nostalgia-packed butterflies perched all over your scalp doesn’t make you feel like frolicking through fields of concertgoers as much as a flower crown does, then…skip this suggestion, I guess. Sorry!
You can pierce your nose, ears, eyebrows, non-existent Marilyn Monroe birthmark, chin, tongue, nipples, et al. Why not pierce your hair?! Hair rings are great because they work perfectly in every braid and twist, and we all know how hard it is to go anywhere near a festival or summer event without wearing some sort of braid or twist.
Safety pins are many things, but in this case, they’re three in particular: a subtle way to make a political statement, way more fun than a bobby pin and something you probably already own. This DIY hair accessory makes a good stand-in for hair rings when decorating braids, but as Janelle Monae demonstrated, safety pins also look really cool with Space Buns, which coincidentally, is the last stop on this ’90s hair revival tour.
Photos by Edith Young.