I Sunbathed My Privates Because a Celebrity Told Me To

And that’s not even the half of it

04.24.17
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Nothing trends faster than a wack-a-doodle beauty tip from the mouth of an A-lister. Remember when Gwyneth Paltrow said she steamed her vagina? It was all anyone talked about for a week; I’m pretty sure my dad heard about it, which wasn’t ideal.

Celeb DIY tips, meanwhile, are intoxicating because they’re instantly accessible. They make us feel like we’re one baking-soda tooth scrub away from being very important and possibly a mansion owner. (Julia Roberts, Queen Latifah and Emma Stone do it.) We only have so much time on this planet, so why wouldn’t we gag on a chemical compound to make our teeth white? Maybe it’s time we just embrace our role as the wide-set-vagina girl to the cool Cady Herons of the world:

So I decided to really lean in, per Sandberg, and give homeopathic celeb wellness tips a real-life whirl. There are only so many times I can bring up vagina sunbathing in casual conversation before I have to put my money where my mouth is/sunshine where my vagina is. (I bring it up a lot.) Below are five of the weirdest ones I could find that didn’t require me to endanger myself nor go to the store more than once, which might make me a mediocre journalist.

First, I sunbathed my vagina a la Shailene Woodley

This helpful tip came to light in her Into the Gloss Top Shelf. “Another thing I like to do is give my vagina a little vitamin D,” Woodley said. “If you’re feeling depleted, go in the sun for an hour and see how much energy you get.” It’s like she was speaking right to me (my doctor says I’m vitamin-D deficient). I climbed the stairs to my roof in a T-shirt dress and brought along a blanket and a book on feminist philosophy to really get in the spirit.

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Thankfully, the roof was empty. This might have been due to the large sign on the access door that read: “ROOF ACCESS PROHIBITED. FOR EMERGENCY & MAINTENANCE ONLY.” And then, just below it: “If you are going to disregard this sign, please close door behind you.” Unsure if this was a trick, I proceeded with caution. I laid my blanket down and my body upon it, and — dress still on — pressed the bottoms of my feet together in a “leg prayer” (not actually a thing), forming a clear path for the sun to hit the jackpot.

For a while, I was terrified someone was going to come out. A little later, I wondered if my vagina had ever seen the sun, concluded it hadn’t and felt sad. Eventually, I got bored and tried not to fall asleep, for fear I’d fail to notice I had company and get sued or something. (I don’t know how these things work.) After 30 minutes and a possible sunburn, I packed it up and felt — swear to god — kind of amazing. The chances of this being from sitting in the sun for the first time after a long, dark winter are extremely high, but it’s not like I’m gonna tell you that.

Second, I washed my hair in beer like Catherine Zeta-Jones

Apparently Zeta-Jones does this to keep her hair soft. “I do condition my hair with honey and beer,” she said, according to the Daily Mail. “I smell like the bottom of a beer barrel for days afterwards but it’s very good for the hair.” Why I chose this over, say, rubbing a strawberry on my teeth to whiten them (another trick of hers that sounds like a breeze and doubles as eating) is, in my personal opinion, evidence of Freud’s “Death Drive” theory.

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I chose Corona Extra because I’m extra and forgot the honey because I subconsciously dislike pleasant things. I doused my hair in most of the bottle (I have a lot of hair, plus I wanted to save some for my man Michael) (Douglas), and wrapped it in Saran Wrap. I stood in the shower for minutes, shivering and smelling like a bar, beer dripping down my body and generally ruining Christmas. It burned a little. After I presumed five minutes had gone by (aka it had been about three minutes), I shampooed it out and wondered where Michael was.

My hair was pretty soft the next day! Softer than usual, seriously. Please know, though, it was not worth it.

Third, I pressed my eyelashes with a hot spoon like Miranda Kerr

Apparently Kerr grabs a spoon when her eyelashes are in desperate need of curling and a curler is not within arm’s reach. For me, this is always, as I do not own a curler. I do, however, own many spoons. Per The Huffington Post: “This Angel-approved beauty trick has actually been used by women for hundreds of years.” History-approved and Angel-approved!

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In accordance with The Huffington Post tutorial, I heated the spoon in hot water and pressed it to my eyelashes for a few minutes, which was only mildly more enjoyable than dousing my entire body in beer. I’m gonna be honest: I missed the very important step of applying mascara first, which just now occurred to me is the only way to make this tip work. For me, it very much did not. See the photo on the right and try to guess which eye was spoon-curled. Just kidding, the answer is in the photo on the left. I quizzed my roommate and he stared for over a solid minute, then uncertainly guessed I’d curled my left eyelashes, which, as you know, is wrong.

Fourth, I sniffed a grapefruit like J.Lo

In a roundup of bizarre beauty tips by way of the Dr. Oz site, I found this crucial nugget of wisdom: “Jennifer Lopez reportedly carries a vial of grapefruit extract and sniffs it to suppress her appetite when cravings strike.” Apparently in a study, rats who were exposed to grapefruit extract had lower appetites and became thin as little rat rails. J.Lo bought in. This trick seems particularly inane and masochistic, so I thought, “Sure.”

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Unable to locate grapefruit extract at my local grocery story, I went for the real thing — very Shailene of me. After vagina sunbathing, beer shampooing and spoon curling, I was honestly famished and I’m not even making that up for the sake of the story. I cut that bad boy open and gave it a deep sniff, careful to monitor the feeling of hunger in my stomach to see if I felt it shift or wane.

I’m sad to report it did not. I ate the grapefruit not two minutes later because it smelled fucking great.

Finally, I rubbed cinnamon on my lips like Lisa Rinna

Rinna, who admitted she got silicon lip injections and then publicly shared her consequent surgical lip reduction, seemed as good a person as any to dictate natural lip-plumping techniques. According to the Daily Mail (my new favorite website), she shared this tip on an episode of The Doctors: “A fun little trick if you want to plump up your lips, so to speak, is a little cinnamon,” Rinna said. “Just put a little on your lips.” Someone named Dr. Ordon confirmed this works as it incites natural, temporary inflammation. Since I very much wouldn’t mind plumping up my lips, and also had all the necessary ingredients in my own backyard A.K.A. kitchen, this one seemed like a must-do.

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For lack of a Rinna- or Angel-approved tutorial, I sought refuge in Wikihow, which dictated the proportion of cinnamon to vaseline and told me to stir them together, put the mixture on my lips for five minutes and then wipe it all off. Fascinating. I didn’t have any vaseline, so I used Make Marine Salve, which is bomb, creating a dark, ominous-looking paste, which I proceeded to rub all over my lips. Did I look like Bruce Bogtrotter a la Matilda? Why, yes.

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I waited five minutes — it stung!!! — then washed it off. The unique upshot of this little trick is that, for the rest of the night, my lips felt swollen, but didn’t look it. What a fun, backwards twist.

I’m sorry to say these celebrity beauty tips were a bit of a bust, barring Kerr’s trick, which I personally ruined. I haven’t yet received a call from a single talent agent and I didn’t glow from within so much as nearly burn my legs, scalp, eyelids and mouth. I’d tell you not to try these at home, but you absolutely can, maybe even tonight. They’re practically free, if a little useless. Please do partake if you’re into that sort of thing, and let me know how it goes.

Collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt; photos via Getty Images and Haley Nahman, GIF via Giphy.

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  • Harling Ross

    you are the hero we need but don’t deserve

  • Crystal

    Grapefruits are delicious, but grapefruit extract is the foulest thing on this green earth. I could see how smelling it would be an appetite suppressant; it’s because it’s disgusting.

    You wouldn’t find it at a grocery store, but you can get it at health food/holistic medicine stores, I guess if you don’t value your personal happiness.

  • Now that I know what Shailene Woodley looks like (from watching Pretty Little Lies) I can’t imagine her saying the sunbathe vagina thing…like…is she messing with us??? Are they all????? WHY.

    • Amy Brumbpo Tungus

      but…can you imagine her sourcing spring water from mountain streams and making her own toothpaste too?! #REALnews

      • Woooowwww. I make my own toothpaste and shampoo – if you can call it that – so that’s not cray to me but the mountain water thing is so… extra!!! (First time using #extra, how’d I do?)

  • Hannah Nichols

    thank you for doing this research so we don’t have to.

  • Rheanonn Perez

    i was literally biting into a strawberry while reading “catherine zeta jones rubs strawberries on her teeth to whiten them” so i tried it with my half-eaten strawberry & my teeth were red, not white!!! (lol)

    frheak.net

    • And wouldn’t that be bad for your teeth enamel because of the strawberry’s acidity? Still love strawberries but I’d rather just chew on them.

  • Jennifer

    Hmm..I’ll try the beer rinse but already not looking forward to it. Also, Haley, are your eyes dark brown or blue? Or both? They look so different in pictures!

  • prairie dogs

    “I chose Corona Extra because I’m extra” — I’m loling

  • Áine Hegarty

    Hahah I like your building’s roof policies.

  • l m a o

  • Haywood Jablowme

    The best thing you can do to your vagina is to keep it clean and waxed – no one likes to floss after eating.

  • Andy

    the beer trick does work though – my grandma, mum and i all do it (three generations of thumbs up)

  • Ronja Brown

    So good! I was having a bad day, heading to MR for some good reads always manages to lift the mood!

  • Amen12345

    thanks for the pics and making me lol – awesome

  • We all have to agree on your sunglasses. They’re AWESOME <3

  • Kristin

    Sounds like Vitamin-D for the bits is a safe bet, as long as you don’t fall asleep. Also, did you practice safe vag tanning by using an SPF? All I know is that I need a pair of those Lucky Star sunnies.