Appropriately titled “Goodbye Tour,” the penultimate episode of Girls took us through a litany of farewells: to New York; to the life Hannah imagined for herself in season one; to Elijah, Shoshanna, Marnie and Jessa; to long subway rides and questionable flirtations and the somewhat naive idea that the friendships we make in our early twenties are destined to cruise undamaged through adulthood, much less an entire television dramedy (no shade to Carrie Bradshaw & crew).
I know that not all friendships last and life isn’t all peaches and cream and unicorn toast, but I’m still holding out hope that the final episode won’t leave my emotions pragmatically mangled for the sake of making a point. In the first season, Hannah lamented that Adam was treating her heart like monkey meat; I’m starting to wonder if the showrunners are doing the same to me. Meanwhile, I have 26 questions from last night to occupy my time until next Sunday:
1. Has impending motherhood turned Hannah into a kooky aunt who administers advice in questionable cliches to unwitting youths?
2. Will this episode go down in Girls’ history as the first in which the words “a nice young cock” were uttered within three minutes and six seconds time?
3. Was anyone else surprised by Hannah’s surprise when those aforementioned words (I can’t type them again, sorry) were uttered?
4. Why didn’t my college experience include cozy time?!
5. Did you just make your Instagram bio, “The real guts and meat of the internet,” or am I alone here?
6. Did you know that it actually isn’t illegal for a hiring manager to ask a job candidate if she’s pregnant or plans to become pregnant in the future? Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 only prohibits employers from discriminating based on that information. Fun food for thought on this balmy Monday!
7. Sooo, Hannah got through a high-school production of Guys and Dolls with full-scale spinal meningitis, but she hasn’t been able to hold down a steady job for more than a full season of this show?
8. Can I get a list of what products this department head uses in her perfect Goldie Hawn hair?? Or perhaps an inventory of all the supplements she takes?
9. Has anyone ever told you to follow your bliss after offering you a job?
10. Is eating a burrito while wearing a bandana your new dream night in?
11. Did Hannah and Elijah contract a mind-altering strain of listeria from the burritos or do they FOR REAL want to have sex with each other?
12. Can you imagine if Girls had ended without Hannah wearing shorteralls again?
13. “Well this drum circle’s a good a reason to leave New York as any.” Has Hannah ever spoken a more accurate truth?
14. Did Marnie Michaels’ voicemail recording give you full-body chills?
15. Did you get a little bit sad when Hannah and Elijah chortled at the thought of making wonderful friendships? I’m personally finding it hard to stomach that there’s only one episode left and all the girls seem more confused and selfish and jaded than ever.
16. Can Caroline get a spinoff please?
17. If Hannah is the voice of her generation, is Shoshanna the voice of Girls Season 6 truth bombs?
18. Are Sprinkles cupcakes ATMs the new Tinder?
19. Can Byron Long get a spinoff please?
20. Can someone create a YouTube montage of all the important group meetings that have occurred in bathrooms over the course of Girls?
21. Are jobs and purses and nice personalities the trifecta of successful adulthood?
22. Did the phrase “feckless whores” redeem this whole episode?
23. Will Hannah and Jessa’s friendship be the only survivor amidst all this carnage?
24. Hannah’s having a boy!?!?!???????
25. Was that our last Hannah dancing montage? I’m hoping for at least one more floor split.
26. Moving to upstate New York to wax poetic about the guts and meat of the internet during cozy time with students while raising a son solo: good idea or bad idea?
Photo via HBO.