Contrary to what your Beyoncé merch says, you are not flawless. In fact, you’re almost nothing more than a skin-flavored barrel of flaws and so am I. This is a rather inconvenient truth that doesn’t lend itself well to dating profiles, but at least we’re all aboard the same leaky boat!
FREEZE FRAME: Or is it leaky?
Strap on those rose-colored goggles mermaids, because I have scientific proof, plus a variety of possibly alternative facts, to support the following claim: our flaws are just proof of our greatest qualities. Read on to find out why everything you do wrong is practically charity work.
Are you always late?
Congratulations! Science says you’re super optimistic. It’s actually impressive how naive and hopeful you are literally every time you estimate how long you need! You are the embodiment of optimistic perseverance. Never give up.
Are you incapable of making a decision?
Very cool that you see so many paths forward and are able to find the good in them. You’re so tolerant! Open-minded to all those different options and opinions! You’re the stuff of progressive dreams. Never make a decision again please, it’d almost be rude.
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” <– F. Scott Fitzgerald said that!
Are you messy af?
You are so brave in your rejection of the formulaic status quo! You know what they say about desks: If a messy desk is proof of a chaotic mind, what then is an empty desk proof of? Or something like that. Anyway, science says you’re brave and spontaneous and inspirational, so let’s hang out. Don’t even clean first.
Are you easily distracted?
Remember when you stopped loading the dishwasher halfway through because you were overcome by the need to research how Dippin’ Dots are made? You’re so fascinated by the world. Science says distracted people might have too much brain! You find so many things interesting and your proclivities are so diverse I bet you’re really fun to get drinks with.
Do you put shit off until the last minute?
It’s actually incredible how you manage to come up with menial things to do when you’re under pressure. You’re the opposite of bored! You’re so inventive! Science says you’re creative. You should probably go to art school or throw some paint on a canvas or something after you finish that high-fidelity to do list of stuff you probably won’t get around to. You’re so great.
Are you soooooo lazy?
You’re not actually averse to work, you’re just using all your energy on thinking. Science says laziness is a sign of high intelligence. Dumber people have to stay active for mental stimulation, but not you! You could just fucking sit there forever! How cool. Your mind is a playground!
Are you overly dramatic?
You know who feels less than you? Roombas and newborn hamsters that look like Swedish fish and can’t even open their eyes! (Don’t Google it, trust me.) Also most people. So what if tame shit makes you gasp and thus startle everyone around you? You’re just feeling some shit! You have depth! I’d always pick your rollercoaster of a life over my Roomba’s. (I don’t actually have a Roomba but would take one if someone wants to #spon me.)
“Our suffering isn’t merely chaotic – a mark of failure, an error – it can be linked to admirable things…empathy, forgiveness, kindness, and focus.” <– philosopher Alain de Botton said that!
WAIT A MINUTE. Did I just prove your Beyoncé merch right? I take back my previous slander. Maybe you really are flawless.
Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.