A Theory About Millennials You Haven’t Heard Before

A controversial think piece worth sharing on Twitter

03.15.17
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Awarding millennial children trophies for merely participating in sports was the first of many misguided cultural practices that would ultimately lead to the demise of an entire generation. In school, they were told they could do anything they wanted; they were told they were smart and capable and entitled to the world. In a result that surprised everyone but shouldn’t have, a generation raised to get high on its own esteem grew into a bunch of lost adults who are both disappointed by reality and incapable of taking responsibility for their role in it. Go figure.

The rise of the internet and technology certainly didn’t help. Full conversations have been reduced to text messages, personalities to avatars and online brands. Human interaction has been sacrificed over and over at the altar of convenience. All character-building friction has been sanded off the everyday millennial experience, leaving ease-obsessed blobs where able-bodied adults once reigned.

Bred from this new online paradigm is the tendency to quantify value around superficial measures like beauty, money, fame and followers instead of homegrown morals like kindness, self-discipline and hard work. As a result, narcissism runs rampant. And so, off they go – into college, the working world, grown-up spaces — their self-esteem an intoxicating mixture of stratospheric and non-existent, their need for external validation at an all-time high, their ideals based on an unrealistic fantasy and their skills a useless mixture of emoji murals and wanting a life other than their own.

The most concerning part of it all, though, is that so many of us have failed to identify the crux of the millennial problem, which is that they are harvesting human organs off the coast of south Florida and living off the blood to survive. When I first heard about this new trend in 2008, I thought, “Honestly, that’s the least of it.” But as the years have passed, it’s become increasingly clear that their vampiric diet is at the center of all their problems.

While details of the organ mill are under wraps and tricky to track down, I have been watching millennials closely and can confirm its existence by way of the blood-filled Klean Kanteens carabiner’d to their mom jeans and track pants. What remains to be uncovered — and ought to be of utmost concern to all citizens of Earth — is whose organs they are harvesting. Some theorize they’re stolen from the bodies of Generation Z teens who have less than 100 followers, others claim they’re plucking healthy Baby Boomers straight out of retirement and bringing them to their labs under the guise of “research.” All we can safely conclude at this point is that millennials are dangerous, perhaps more so than any other group of people on Earth.

To stand by and allow 30% of our planet’s population to thrive, contribute to our economy, make art, use their voices to move culture forward, continue to value innovation over tradition and harvest organs off the coast of south Florida for blood smoothies, is to stand by and watch civilization as we know it crumble.

Please retweet if you agree.

Collage by Maria Jia Ling Pitt; photographs via Getty Images.

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