Get Your Drum Set Ready: March Horoscopes Are Here!

That’s my tempo, planets!


I did two things that made me feel like I cheated on Susan: 1) I saw a tarot card reader during the launch party of our Man Repeller pop-up. 2) I saw a woman who specialized in Chinese astrology about half an hour before her (same party) and she told me I was a 3-wood. I felt awful. Not because I was a 3-wood, but because 3-wood and pop-up felt like our jokes, you know? It’s always been you, me, the queen of Astrology and the kind of double entendres nobody ever seems to ask for yet I just keep on giving. Speaking of which, don’t make me tell you about nutscaping. I won’t. Anyway, no more adultery for me. Time to put my energy where my heart is: MR’s Repell-o-Scopes, as brought to you by the cool Astrology Zone musings of my main gal.


HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU BEAUTIFUL DOUBLE-HORNED CREATURE! What does your birthday cake look like and does it have giant figs on it similar to Dan Humphrey’s wedding cake?

There’s not a TON of time left (depending on when you read this) so take advantage of this as soon as you can: Your ruler Mars is in Aries until the 9th, which will give you a SuperMario power boost (or is that a Sonic the Hedgehog thing?) (don’t eat ‘shrooms either way) and add extra leverage to something important you either have to or want to do. Also, because of this arrangement, “[y]ou will be ultra-magnetic and persuasive,” writes Groovin’ Susan. “Mars will be orbiting close to Venus in Aries, a rare event..indicating that your sex appeal will reach new heights.” See? If you’d been on ‘shrooms who knows what would have happened to your sex drive. Don’t do drugs, please! This is a family show. One that’s a bit awkward to watch with your parents but whatever.

Just because you’re extra sexy this month doesn’t mean you should get too serious in love. Take it slow until Venus is out of retrograde. Don’t rush into relationships. Do not try to DTR. Delay an engagement if you can. Let things happen on their own. Interestingly, Susan doesn’t mind a little tap back to an ex. It might bring closure if nothing else. A good opportunity to finally get your old DVD box set of The OC Season 1 back.


I just ate one of those four-packs of Twix during the time it took me to write the last sentence in the sign above yours, so if I puke a little bit while speaking, don’t mind me. Really wish I’d read our sign first, though, because this month is going to be all about friendship for us. (I’m a Taur, too.) Had I known that, I could have shared my four-pack of Twix. Except I probably wouldn’t have. If I don’t listen to the washing instructions on my clothes then why would I listen to the sharing instructions on a candy wrapper, you know? But back to those friends: Join a club this month. Your girl Suz predicts it will involve a humanitarian organization, which feels right.

We’ll be even more social and extra charming/attractive in March than usual (LOOK, I AM JUST THE MESSENGER) so get ready to mingle and network and laugh with your pod of dolphins. In terms of love, however, it’s a little confusing: our ruling planet, Venus, is in retrograde starting March 4th until April 15th. This time might not be prime for romance…except on March 12th it will be, so IDK. Planets are weird.

On March 9th, Mars is moving into Taurus, which is going to set us up strong and steady in our careers. We’ll be creative, productive (especially at the end of the month; get ready to cut the socializing and go into hermit mode) and probably wildly wealthy in like five minutes.

Oh, and apparently “something important” happened March 4th!!! Sorry you’re reading this afterward. Tell me what it was in the comments.


Gemini, hi, how EXCITINGGG — you are in for a big career shakeup thanks to the eclipse at the end of February. Are you excited are you freaking out are you dancing what could it be?? “You have no reason to duck change — embrace it,” writes Susan. I automatically saw “duck” as “fuck” because of autocorrect so I read that sentence wrong at first and, anyway, your career and the change that comes with it sounds so cool.

In addition to all that, friendship will be of focus at the top of the month. All good things. You’ll have fun with the ones you love and if you can’t stand ‘em, you’ll make new ones. You know what else you’ll make? A big chunk of money that’s gonna plop into your lap like a ham hock from the sky. It’s either a bonus or some rich lady in heaven dropped a stack by accident.

No plastic surgery for you from March 4th through April 15th, and, at the end of the month, relax. You’ll have been going so fast that taking a week off to put your feet up is going to feel so great on the old barkin’ dogs. Read a book and calm your fomo: You’ll have the whole rest of spring and summer to drink pink stuff al fresco well past your bedtime.


Pack your bag you kooky crab because you just won a trip to HAWAII!!!!!!!!!!!! Or somewhere! Susan wants you to travel this month. Go someplace exotic and foreign to your senses. Eat, pray, love, rinse, repeat.

Where career is concerned, last month might have been one of your best career-advancement periods in two years. Is that true?? Can I buy you a drink to celebrate? It’s not over: You might be offered an even more exciting position at your company toward the end of the month. You’ll be stressed about it, but Susan promises (and therefore so do I) that this is going to be a good thing. OMG WHERE IS MARTHA STEWART AND THAT TAGLINE? Do you miss her or what???? “It’s a good thing.” Is she still saying that on her TV program with Snoop Dogg? I don’t even know, but thank god he once rapped out “D-O-double-G” or I would never remember two Gs were there.

No home buying for you until May 18th because of Venus, okay? The girl next to me on the airplane (now her second appearance in these ‘scopes) is watching Girl on the Train, and that movie will make you never want to buy a house as long as you live, let me tell you.

Anywho, it will be a fun month for you, too. Mars is going to start hanging out with Taurus on March 9th, and you haven’t had this fun effect for two years! Mars is a party animal, you’re going to love this time. Friendship City, USA, here! You! Come!


Oooh, financial management month for you! Fun! Do your taxes or whatever but also, get ready to receive a huge chunk of money from sort of out of nowhere. It’s going to be so big that it will allow you to finally fulfill a dream. Also, I’m writing this on the plane and I just have to tell you that the woman next to me is chewing on strips of beef jerky so loudly I’m a little concerned for her jaw. More than anything, I’m shocked people actually eat beef jerky. It just seems like a weird snack to buy. Wouldn’t you rather have chips? Please advise/discuss in the comments. Needs at least a 20-person dialogue.

In non-beef news (although this is a really meat-themed horoscope season if you’ve been multi-sign reading), Mars is in your 10th house of Oscars and other awards. You may be offered a new job or position, but don’t feel pressure to take it. In fact, see if you can put off decision making of this sort until after May 18th. Distract them with your white teeth or something.

You’ll be drained on the 17th. Take a day off, stay in that night and do Pretty Winter instead.

Susan focuses your end-of-the-month ‘scope around travel, so either book something cheap or get after a trip you’ve been putting off. At the same time, work shit will soar. “The fires of love will be fanned by travel too in late month,” writes our Poet Laureate of the sky, “so if the opportunity strikes, take it.” She contradicts herself earlier but who is she (or I, really), to question what those wacky planets say?


This March is technically marked as your sign’s “winter” because you’re as far away from the sun as possible. It means that others get “their time in the sun” as Susan said, but it doesn’t mean you’re in the dark. You just get to wear a slightly lower SPF.

Hope I’m not spoiling any surprises here, but you may get engaged or married this month! That could also be a partner engagement/marriage if you’re like, “NO thanks, lady. I’m a single Pringle and once you pop you don’t stop.”

You’ll love the full moon on the 12th, mostly because it’s going to make you rich, and at the end of the month you’ll be so creative and bursting with ideas thanks to the super-fun clusterfuck of planets that you won’t stand a chance of NOT being successful. You’re going to dream up app after app and then be able to put your money where your brain power is to make it happen. Hello!

With all of this fun stuff happening, just know that Venus is taking a little bit of a nap at the Retrograde Resort and Spa, which means that it’s not a great time to begin new love and other partnerships. You can look back at it, for sure, though. Avoid facial reconstruction and aggressive time traveling during this time, too. Otherwise you’ll do just fine. Susan says that you Virgos are patient souls. It’s going to serve you well in March, just like that waiter who brought you extra shots for no reason that one time.


You better be-libra I’m using the old be-libra joke again. I kind of missed it, didn’t you? Let’s take a quick breath together before we go any further because you’ve got a busy start to March.

Your career is skyrocketing and it’s all just so exciting. My jeans are too tight for this airplane seat but what do you care! You’re probably winning Pulitzers, ASMEs and Juice Generation gift certificates as I type this because where creative projects are concerned, you are going to excel. You’ll take on new projects and be able to balance them like the Mad Hatter with a set of teacups. You’re going to be like, “Oh my god, I couldn’t possibly take on another client I’m too busy…what’s that? A billion dollars? Okay great!” And the planets will help facilitate.

Venus will be in retrograde from the 4th to April 11th. Venus is your ruler so you’ll be affected, but it’s not a bad thing. It’s a good time to pause on a current relationship, maybe take a step back and reconsider your feelings. Don’t start something new, or at least don’t rush into anything, and don’t let that stress you out if you wanted to lock someone down, either: the months ahead are prepping themselves for romance. Shaving their chests and whatnot.

This time also is going to allow you to go back and fix something that you’ve been thinking about. It might be related to a past relationship (Susan’s not averse to your reaching out to an old fling). Or, it might have to do with business. Shit is getting sorted out regardless. Avoid radical beauty treatments during this time like cosmetic earlobe reconstruction or going from brunette to Creamsicle orange but by all means, shower. You’re going to be busy so just wanted to throw out that reminder.


Oooh Stingbutt! (That’s my new nickname for you.) Stingbutt! March is going to be an exciting month of romance for you, which is so fun for me because so many of the other signs are getting the “hang out a second” hand motion from Susaroo in this arena. I have to blow my nose if you were wondering but don’t want to stop until I’m done writing so if you needed convincing of this above prediction, well there you have Act 1 of love: I held off on blowing my nose for you.

Speaking of love, Neptune has designed some sort of personalized celestial sex dance in your honor! “Neptune will be orbiting close to the solar eclipse, a highly glamorous vibration, so do your best to keep your feet on the ground, for it would be all too easy to get carried away with this breathless vibration.” I mean, amen.

Thanks to the solar eclipse and probably your post-O flush, new chances to find “your one true love” (Susan words), have a baby, get married and excel in your career are shooting out all over the place as though life were your personal confetti gun. Great social life ahead, too!

You’re going to be more focused in the job scene toward the end of the month after you’ve gotten premature spring-fever flirting out of your system (ain’t no shame in that game!), so get ready to put your head down and crank it out. Ditto that for a marathon of some sort you may be training for. You’ll crave this kind of centering, though. It won’t feel like a chore. Oh, and listen to the wise one here: “Be patient when slowdowns crop up – delays will benefit you!”


Sagittuna tartar, WHAT in god’s green acres is with Susan’s obsession surrounding your sign and water? She is never not on a “watch out for leaky pipes” hype with your sign. She’s like how my dad asks me at least once a year if I know how to plunge a toilet or stop it from overflowing. The answer is always no.

Toilet water or not, you’re going to be very focused on home improvement with Tim Allen and real estate in general, so maybe you’re moving or just love to calculate square footage. May I offer you some feng-shui tips?

Here’s something nice Susan said about you in regards to this month: “No matter what you are trying to achieve you have the wherewithal to do it.” I mean, well there you go! I haven’t had my wherewithal with me since ’89.

If any part of your career starts to feel sticky this month, Pluto will help you through it. You know what else will help you through it? All the money you’re set to make and then run naked through on the 11th.

In terms of love and everything like it, there’s a full moon on the 27th that’s showing off its two pantsless cheeks in your honor. If you’re in a relationship, revert back to the flirt for the sake of a good time. Ooh baby. If you’re single, get out there and meet someone in spandex at the damn gym! Make it neon while you’re at it.


ASSUMING you’re a singer/songwriter/artist who has been handed a contract, see if you can hold off another month to sign it. You’re way more likely to work a better deal. Technically this applies to anyone who might have to deal with a contract this month, but isn’t it fun, just for a moment, to feel what Ariana Grande once felt? Let’s all take a minute to pull our hair up as high as it can go in her honor and ask ourselves why we didn’t pursue vocal lessons.

Hey, guess what? You’re also going to be very creative this month. Neptune is going to be your muse and you’re going to want to create something cinematic and beautiful.

All of this contract and creativity nonsense aside (I actually feel like I have no idea what I’m writing about right now — where’s Uranus? Bring Uranus back!), your career is going to feel a LITTLE bit paused, but it’s not paused. It’s really not. It’s just not on that Miley Cyrus climb. It’s taking a chill pill, like my nonsense metaphors in today’s weather report should probably do. Just be patient if you can. Venus is retrograding, but she’ll be back in action hardcore by May 18th. You’ll be raring to go then, too.

Hmm, what else? You might decorate your apartment a lot this month? That sounds fun!

And when it comes to love, “romance will be blossoming,” writes my own eternal muse. Mars is in your fifth house of hubba hubba until the 21st, and when the new moon of April 26th kicks in, you’ll be sex on inline wheels.


Hey Aquarius, stop buying guppies and sea snails to eat the algae off your aquarium. It’s not algae. It’s money. Yes! March is the best time for your sign to ask for a raise in all of 2017. Neptune will be doing this odd mating ritual dance wayy too close to the moon — which could mean a bit of confusion surrounding this interaction — so just be extra-clear. Put things in writing, use bullet points and maybe underline the important stuff. I’m a fan of highlighters myself, but once read they don’t actually help us retain information; instead, when we highlight something, it tells our brain to forget it. That would explain my college experience.

Up until the 12th is also an excellent time to sell — ads, yourself for a new job, a creative idea floating around in your brain. Whatever it may be, get it out into the world.

Boring stuff: Wait until the third week of May to sign contracts of any kind, to redecorate or to buy real estate. Susan was adamant about this.

Fun stuff: Thriller really thinks you should do a camping trip or visit, and I quote, “a dude ranch in Arizona.” That seems reasonable enough to me! Can I come?


“This month will bring the last eclipse in a two-year series in Virgo-Pisces that affected you since March 2015,” writes Susan. I should keep track of these things, but I don’t, so I wanted to relay that information in case it means anything to you. Really, my job here is just to liaise. “All Pisces will see opportunity arise, but those born within five days of February 26 will feel it more – if that is you, your entire life could now show immediate shifts in lifestyle.”

On March 12th, you’re scheduled to make an important decision about an even more important relationship. Interpret that as you wish.

We’ve got two retrogrades happening: Venus, who is taking her PTO from March 4th to April 5th, and Mercury, who’s off April 9th to May 3rd with limited access to email. Because of this, don’t take on any new projects or people. Use this time to reflect on the past (in a healthy way), looking back only to fix something that feels unfinished.

At the end of the month, the new moon in Aries on March 27th is setting you up hard and fast for a raise. Susan seems to think that there’s something else surrounding this same date (Saturn’s pegging the moon, if you want to go there for a moment because I haven’t made one sex joke at all yet since the intro): you may be offered a job that is prestigious but not necessarily going to afford you the kind of bank account that can drop dollars on infinity pools. Slightly contradictory there, so go with your gut and trust your fishtincts.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej.

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