I Captioned Kim Kardashian’s Instagrams

It was my civic duty

03.03.17
NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 01: (L to R) Saint West, television personality Kim Kardashian West, and North West leave their Midtown Manhattan hotel on February 1, 2017 in New York City. (Photo by Raymond Hall/GC Images)

ICYMI: Kim Kardashian West has a new Instagram aesthetic. She started rolling it out on January 3rd, 2017 with this post — captioned simply, “Family” — and the fun hasn’t stopped since. The images have a very distinct quality; they’re grainy and kind of sepia-toned, like they were taken on a disposable camera in 1995 or something. I’m not sure what inspired the overhaul or how long it’s going to last, but I’m mainly curious who the mastermind is behind her personal rebranding. What a neat gig! Whoever you are, you’re doing a great job turning Kim into a millennial Norman Rockwell — no easy feat. The visual narrative is spot-on. I’ve got a bone to pick with the captions, though. They don’t do the photos justice. In any big marketing campaign, the images are important, but so is the copy. What would the Nike swoosh be without “JUST DO IT” emblazoned underneath, or the annoying Verizon dude without his signature line, “Can you hear me now? Good.”? The same principle applies to Kim’s Instagram charm offensive.

So I took matters into my own finger pads…

Weekend vibes

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: I know there’s plenty of room to recline farther away from the edge of this velveteen lounging stage, but I didn’t formally change my middle name from Noel to Danger for nothing.

New pics on my app #KKWAPP

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Oh no! rain! So accidental.

Happy Valentine's Day

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Sometimes Kanye’s upper lip smells like a stale lima bean.

Revised caption: This is a screengrab from my audition tape for Westworld season 2 episode 3, wherein Guy Fieri purchases all the robots and puts them to work in his test kitchen.

🏎🚧🚦

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: This position is the most comfy for all my human parts.

Travel Buddies

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Two out of three people in this photo are asleep.

on our way #dubai🇦🇪

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: I know it’s rude to point, but Kanye was doing naked tai chi in the backyard againnnnn and it just cracks me up every time.

he always has my back 😜

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Tick check.

👱🏿

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Kanye’s favorite midnight snack is butternut squash soup, which incidentally inspired his new hair color.

Revised caption: Do you ever hang off the edge of the nearest sofa and wait for someone to compliment your weenus?

my son ❤

A post shared by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Revised caption: Saint’s fingers are the best detangling product. They keep my locks shiny and smoother than a freshly waxed bowling lane. #ad #sponsored

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  • side not: she is wearing the crap out of those shoes!!

    • streats

      That whole outfit tbh. Celebrities: they’re just like us!

  • Imaiya Ravichandran

    why does the word “weenus” make me shudder?

    • streats

      To be honest I was scared to Google it, but it was significantly less gross than I thought it was going to be

      • Imaiya Ravichandran

        I feel like it’s a term Hannibal Lecter would use. “Your weenus looks delectable, Clarice.”

      • Harling Ross

        usually it’s the opposite case

  • Yvonne Dunlevie

    “a stale lima bean”

  • Alexandra Queiroz

    Harling, Kim K should hire you for this job!! 🙂

    • Harling Ross

      I mean……..

  • jill

    Kim can’t afford more than one pair of boots???

    • Eagle eyes!!

      • I have made 104000 bucks previous year by working from my home a­n­d I did that by working in my own time for several h /day. I was following work model I stumbled upon online and I am so happy that i was able to make such great money. It’s newbie-friendly a­­n­­d I’m so blessed that i found it. Here is what i did… http://sir.bz/gCOr5

    • PopperlinRosebud

      Good eye! Very interesting too & gives me more info to help explain Kim’s odd decision to start using this horrible quality filter on all her new pictures. Can’t figure out why she’s using it, if it’s some lame and desperate attempt to get attention (which is clearly working) or if it is to make it more difficult for people to point out embarrassing details that can be seen in high res photos (for example, any new plastic surgery scars Kim may have or get at some point, or cellulite, etc.).

  • Holy shit the Westworld one!!! Dying. These are brilliant, Harling.

    • Harling Ross

      TY KAYLA

  • Lol cute. I will admit that I have pics from both the 80s and the 90s and her new filter aesthetic is much more 1985 than 1995.

  • Cristina

    Oh no! All the pics are blank and when I click them it says this page has been removed. WHAT THE HECK IS THIS CONSPIRACY?!

  • Haley Nahman

    Harling i have but a few Qs

    1 how will we ever find a better caption writer than u? we’re truly fucked. that’s not a question

    2 next time someone asks why youre weird + the best i’m sending them this

    3 is this your dissertation

    4 what are you wearing rn

    • Harling Ross

      I’M WEARING PAJAMAS AND I HAVE INSOMNIA HI

  • Meg S

    I’d recaption 4 (the cooking one) as “Doing my best Cher impression”.

    I do that thing she’s doing off the end of my couch. Great for talking to someone in the nearby chair and being supremely lazy all at once.

    • Harling Ross

      she does look like cher in that pic!!

  • Hellbetty666

    What filter is she using in these pics? I flipping love it!

  • This is hilarious! When is your from Blake Lively’s hair perspective coming?

  • Sabah Malik

    I can’t imagine ever topping ‘tick check’

  • Merrynell

    Revised caption for the hero image: Baby hair, don’t care. #North

  • Holly Laine Mascaro

    I also am fascinated by whoever is behind decisions like designing Kim’s new Instagram aesthetic.

    • PopperlinRosebud

      I’m very interested. I think it’s an awful filter. And she’s using it on every picture. This makes me more curious about why she’s using this filter. Obviously, it’s one way to stay relevant and keep people talking, which is working.

      I don’t like Kim or her family for various reasons and I hate how a large segment of the population is so obsessed with that family’s every move. However, I have a ton of respect for Kim’s business & entertainment success. Kim isn’t an accident. Everything she does is purposeful and has typically resulted in more fame and fortune. She’s done this repeatedly for many years, which proves she’s a hard worker. Although her public image demands that she not come across as the smart, driven, purposeful, and strategic businesswoman she is.

      So her decision to start using a crappy filter may simply be another publicity ploy. A way to control the public’s perception of Kim Kardashian.

      The only other thought I had was whether the filter is a way for Kim to hide flaws like scars from plastic surgery or cellulite or wrinkles.

  • Sierra Mayhew

    You should do a story on how to make Instagram captions in general if you haven’t already