10 Facebook Notifications I Ignore
03.14.17
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For a place I once treated like a social bible, I now scroll through Facebook genuinely gobsmacked by how little compels me. It’s all exceedingly terrible. And I have no one to blame but myself, for curating such a trash pile, and Facebook, for enabling it.

Nothing better exemplifies this dumpster than my Facebook notifications tab — little red icons liable to make my whole damn day in 2008 which now serve as bite-sized, nightmarish reminders of my compulsive need to click them. Once I do, it’s one disaster after another. Each notification is more useless than the last. The exponential nature of it is almost impressive.

I’m sorry to anyone this hurts, but I was more invested in some random lady’s Candy Crush game on the subway this morning, which I spied on without her permission, than I’ve been in any Facebook notification I’ve received in the last five years. In an effort to shed light on a dark, dark place, I’ve expounded upon my 10 greatest hits below.

1. Someone I don’t know posted on the wall of an event I’m not going to

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I care more about what Candy Crush Lady ate for breakfast, frankly. This one doubles down on uselessness if the event is being thrown by someone I don’t have the faintest memory of knowing. I still might read the post, though.

2. A kid from my college dorm invited me to like the page for his most recent entrepreneurial endeavor

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Based on Facebook notifications alone, I can safely assume every dude that lived in my dorm is now the owner of several defunct real estate businesses/DJ monikers.

3. Someone I haven’t talked to in six years, someone I literally don’t remember and three other people I don’t care about at all have birthdays today, wish them well!

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This one wins the frequency award. I get a fresh one nearly every day. It keeps me humble. I never wish them well.

4. Someone I do know and care a lot about had a birthday yesterday

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THANKS FOR FUCKING NOTHING FACEBOOK.

5. My coworker from five years ago became friends with someone I don’t know

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Setting: Facebook board room

FB Employee #1: We should make sure to notify people when one of their friends becomes friends with someone. Literally anyone.

FB Employee #2: Wow, how useful. Ship it!

6. Reminder: an event I felt too bad to decline is coming up

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Reminder: You should really say yes to more stuff you piece of shit.

7. Someone incredibly random shared a link I don’t care about

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To be clear, they did not share it with me, but rather with everyone. Why I’m receiving a personal notification about it and how that makes me feel is between me and my therapist.

8. Someone I don’t know also commented on my friend’s post

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Translation: No good deed goes unpunished.

9. Someone changed the cover photo of a group I was invited to join but never responded to out of guilt

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This is fun in that it kills two birds with one stone by wasting my time with something that affects me not at all and by reminding me that I’m a total wimp and don’t deal with invitations like an adult.

10. Literally every friendiversary that’s ever occurred

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Things I care about:

-Family
-My cat
-World peace

Things I don’t care about:

-The anniversary of when two people I don’t know very well became friends on a fucking SOCIAL MEDIA NETWORK.

Illustrations by Maria Jia Ling Pitt.

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