Dan Humphrey Got Married; Isn’t Lonely Anymore

Penn Badgley watch 2017

02.28.17
Photo by Matin Zad (@matinzad) via Instagram

Domino Kirke married Penn Badgley on Monday, February 27th in a Brooklyn courthouse and neither her nor his rep responded to People’s request as promptly as People would have liked, if at all.

That’s the news about that!

Now let’s talk about important stuff, like how Domino Kirke was named after a British bounty hunter, or how she used to be in a band called DOMINO, either a coincidence or named after herself, that was stylized in all-caps. She founded Carriage House Birth, “a collective of trained and certified birth and postpartum doulas providing education for families and doulas alike,” and she, too, is a doula. I could say doula all damn day. (I just read about her company here and what they’re doing is really interesting.) She is also a card-carrying member of the Kirke clan (Jemima, Lola and my neighbor Lorraine, who happens to be their mom) and! she put the world’s largest figs on her vegan, gluten-free wedding cake.

Don’t knock GF baked goods until you’ve tried them.

Domino Kirke reminds me of two of my closest friends (one is a doula, the other is getting married in a courthouse in March) and because of that I have projected onto her that she is kind and hilarious. I have also projected another fact: that she does not care about the fact that Penn Badgley is still Dan Humphrey. The two are inextricably linked. He’s Penndan. Beside the fact that if I married Penndan I would spend too much time asking him things like, “Didn’t you think it was dumb and made no sense [spoiler] that they made you Gossip Girl???,” I would also worry about whether or not my husband the human portmanteau was still in love with Serena van der Woodsen. I’m not a jealous person unless I’m bored, but you cannot deny that Serena van der Woodsen is Aphrodite reincarnated with the drug-inducing charm of Ulysses Everett McGill in O Brother, Where Art Thou? (best soundtrack.)

And if you believe, as I believe, that Penn Badgley will forever be Dan Humphrey — not just because the world will never let him forget it despite his STUNNING rendition of a hot mascot woodchuck in Easy A (in which he dated Emma Oscar Winner Stone), then how could you NOT worry about Lonely Boy eventually returning to One True Love?! Non-blood-but-on-paper INCEST couldn’t keep D and S apart!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LET ME MAKE IT WORSE.

Before Domino, Penndan dated Zoë Kravitz.

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Kravitz is a woman so cool that I don’t even have the words to explain the panic that should come from such a former coupling. Read her Teen Vogue interview then get back to me with your request to have a photo of her face screen-printed on all articles of your wardrobe’s clothing. Another thing is that I hate those Miu Miu flats and she just made me die for them.

But Domino Kirke isn’t worried. She is not grossed out by umbilical cords nor is she annoyed when you’re the tenth person to ask her about pooping while giving birth. She is chill as a glass of iced tea on a hot summer’s day. Serena is no match for Domino. She may have the hair of a palomino stallion, but Domino Kirke got the man.

Also, no offense to Dan but did you just read that short bio I wrote about Domino? SHE is the catch!

A post shared by Darren Will (@smileoutofhell) on

Feature image by Matin Zad via Instagram; photo of Zoë Kravitz via Teen Vogue.

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