Paris Hilton’s Rules of Style

Happy Birthday P Hilt

02.17.17
Paris Hilton's Party At Stork Rooms

Most trends we love at a given time will look dumb, if not fully outlandish, a decade or three later. Fashion is ephemeral; I totally understand this. But I struggle to hold this incontrovertible truth next to the entire decade of the 2000s, which to me stands out as a victim of something far more sinister. A hex, perhaps? If it’s also true that fashion is cyclical, we’re going to need to know how to reverse engineer our way out of this decade right quick. Hurry, sociologists! It’s rearing its head!

Or perhaps we ought to just let it wash over us once again. It’s 2017, the year after the year of realizing stuff. Maybe it’s time we face Now That’s What I Call Music #42 and get to work on our bedazzling. And what better way to prepare than by combing the archives for some fashion tips from the eras most iconic It girl? It is her birthday, after all.

Allow me to present Paris Hilton’s 16 most important rules of style:

1. Your sarong should always match your strappy, high heels and your baguette bag — the size of which must be large enough to accommodate a Motorola Sidekick and only a Motorola Sidekick.

Photo by Frank Micelotta via Getty Images

2. This one’s tough, I know, but ideally your friends and family should be able to see the entire side of your body at all times. To transition to a professional setting, clip your dress closed with the errant, butterfly adornments atop your head.

Photo by Dave Benett via Getty Images

3. When you don your Canadian tuxedo, strip it of any and all details that say “Canada.” How-to tips: don’t wear a shirt, use glitter like body lotion, don a tire (call it a belt) and draw on under-eyelashes with thick, black eyeliner.

Photo by David Klein via Getty Images

4. Pair a gem-encrusted cross and low-slung cotton midi skirt with your sexiest silk bustier for a fun red-carpet look.

Photo by Jim Smeal via Getty Images

5. Always remember: On Wednesdays, we wear fur-lined jeans and fur halters.

Photo via Getty Images

6. Do your best to display your naval piecing whenever possible, especially when you’re on the go! Try to only travel between L.A., Vegas and Ibiza.

Photo by Lester Cohen via Getty Images

7. The only thing sexier than wearing not a single layer of clothing on your back is wearing 10 to 15 visibly different layers in your hair.

Photo by Frederick M. Brown via Getty Images

8. Chihuahuas and six inches of midriff are a girl’s best accessories.

Photo by Amy Graves via Getty Images

9. Wait, I take that back, the best accessory is a hot assistant.

Photo by PhotoNews International Inc. via Getty Images

10. An interesting alternative to washing your body with soap is to wash your body with self tanner!

Photo by Frazer Harrison via Getty Images

11. If it’s winter, wear a fur and make sure your sunglasses are reminiscent of goggles — ski chic is everything.

Photo via Getty Images

12. Important rule: When you wear a color, wear the shit out of that color.

Photo by Jeff Vespa via Getty Images
Photo by PhotoNews International Inc. via Getty Images

13. If your dress appears to have been hurriedly made out of a curtain, that’s good and means you’re rich and important.

Photo by Carlo Allegri via Getty Images
Photo by Albert L. Ortega via Getty Images

14. Butterfly accessories and kitten heels are always a yes.

Photo by James Devaney via Getty Images
Photo by Daniele Venturelli via Getty Images

15. And finally: Always know better…

Photo by Chris Weeks via Getty Images

16. …but never care.

Paris Hilton during Paris Hilton's 24th Birthday Party at El Centro in Los Angeles, California, United States. (Photo by Bruce Gifford/FilmMagic)

Photos via Getty.

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