The Problem with Social Media Announcements

You never know who you’re hurting

02.03.17
Beyonce pregnant photos man repeller 5

This piece was originally published on February 3, 2017.

Update: On Thursday, when I saw Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement, I had the same guttural reaction I’ve had to every pregnancy announcement as my struggle with fertility has mounted: I saw it in the context of myself and the suffering I’ve incurred. Inadvertently, I also revealed ignorance and a stunning absence of perspective.

Many of you called me out — and you’re right. The piece lacked awareness, which was particularly evident in using imagery of Beyonce’s announcement within the story, and the way that it was framed on social media. I’m embarrassed that I exploited my personal upset for the sake of a shitty, misinformed think piece. I fucked up and I’m sorry.

The purpose of Man Repeller is to celebrate all women. To inspire and encourage, to think, to discuss — to make this place feel safe. That I could have detracted from that kills me. Learning publicly is tough, but I thank everyone who took the time to comment or respond with feedback. I’m taking it to heart.


Wednesday had all the makings of a pretty good day. I woke up, made a coffee-cocktail of beans, cacao and cayenne pepper and as I drank it, I filed copy for not one but two stories that weren’t due until Friday. Mind you this was all before 8 a.m., which is when production for a Man Repeller video commenced. During a two-hour lunch break midday, I shot another story for next week and filed copy for that, too. I felt like Bradley Cooper in Limitless. 

But then I checked Instagram (which is always when bad stuff happens) to learn that a very pregnant Beyoncé was posing among various floral arrangements on a backdrop that resembled a blue sky.

Amelia called it the news (and photo spread) that could save us all in 2017. That is probably true for a lot of people but for me, it was a curiously annoying reminder that I’m not pregnant.

Curiously annoying because it is ludicrous that I should feel compelled to compare myself to Beyoncé. She is arguably immortal and has an accented letter in her name — some people have all the luck. But her photos perfectly underline the problem with social media announcements: you never know who you’re hurting.

That sounds dramatic, and frankly, it is. How could any person possibly think that their overwhelming joy could contribute to the depression of another person? As a matter of fact, you might argue that my plight is self-inflicted. I don’t have to follow Beyoncé. I don’t have to follow any of the women who are pregnant in my feed (of the 492 who I follow, I estimate that about 101 are pregnant, but who’s counting!). But then again, the act of unfollowing is contentious; it can make you feel like you’re burning a bridge, even if you don’t mean to. Even if you’re just trying to protect yourself.

The timing of this announcement is particularly fortuitous given that Valentine’s Day is around the corner and there is a 0% chance that the holiday will not be punctuated by a frustrating deluge of relationship photos on Instagram. This is likely painful for a lot of people much in the same way that Facebook celebrating Mother’s or Father’s Day can be a brutal reminder of one’s mortality.

I don’t want to promote the notion that you should feel uncomfortable sharing your joy. That’s stupid. Be happy for yourself! You deserve it! Why wouldn’t you? Yet on the other hand I wonder, hasn’t social media totally turned on its head one of the most important tenets we learned as youths: to be humble? As a matter of fact, and this is an observation independent of Beyoncé — we’ve taken this principle (humbleness) and turned it into another bragging right. Humble used to literally define the feeling of inferiority or insignificance but today, it’s just another way to prove how great you are. (See: “I’m so humbled that Oprah called me personally to tell me she loves how my knees look when I walk.”)

I know that when I feel my best, when I am at my happiest, my inclination is to spread it, but spreading (community event) is different from sharing (unilateral activity).

I went on an unfollow spree in December. It seemed like every photo in my feed was boasting about another pregnancy that wasn’t mine, and I took it very personally even though I know it had nothing to do with me. All these “normal” women with “normal” bodies that were doing what they were supposed to do reminded me that I was empty, dejected and couldn’t complete what I have heretofore considered a basic female right. I thought so much about people who lose partners, parents, children; people who experience depression — anyone who’s suffering, really; and how social media, long considered a respite, must make climbing out of the dark hole that much harder.

But it is impossible that you will be able to predict the triggers that might set someone off. It’s overwhelming to even try. I’m not actually mad at Beyonce. That would be insane. None of this actually has anything to do with her, and who knows what she went through to get here, pregnant with twins! — how hard she tried, how much she suffered and possibly even resisted the very act of posting (she had to for team morale, team being the entire female population of America). Even if none of this is true, even if it was a walk in the park, you have to assume that there wasn’t an iota of bad intention tethered to the sharing of what is probably one of the greatest announcements of her personal life.

Overall, I’m conflicted. I vowed after my loss that I wouldn’t turn my feed into a shrine for my yet-to-be-born baby upon eventual pregnancy because who knows who’s suffering and how my account could or could not contribute to their anguish? But then again, when I was really in the pits, I toyed with terminating social media entirely. Now I think it’s dramatic that I even thought of doing that. I can see how a successful pregnancy would ignite my wanting to put stuff out there for the same reason I do that now — because I get so excited. So as a poster, where’s the line that separates sensitivity from straight-up paralysis? Should we be thinking harder about we do or don’t post? I’m genuinely asking.

Photos via Beyoncé.

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  • Breezy

    I’m sorry but can I say that I think Beyonce is annoying? I know I may get some backlash for this – but is it completely necessary to announce your pregnancy as if you are the virgin Mary herself giving birth to angelic-god like twins? I think the whole photo shoot is narcissistic & taaaaacky. Everyone losing their GD minds over it just seems a little juvenile with everything else going on in the world right now. Over it. Girl bye.

    • Kate

      It is actually possible to care about more than 1 thing at a time.

      • Breezy

        My fault 100% – I didn’t mean to imply that although I re-read that and that is what I wrote. I guess the level of grotesque attention the post got and the crazed obsession with a pregancy of a woman that no one personally knows…seemed like a bit much to me. But I agree with you xx

        • Kate

          <3

    • Do you think the photos in Man Repeller are tacky as well?

      • Breezy

        Nah just Beyonce. I clearly am biased though.

        • Clearly. The art direction in a few pictures is similar.

    • While I don’t think it’s juvenile to care about Beyonce’s pregnancy, I do agree with you. I was very meh about it. I find myself not being able to focus on much else besides the state of our country right now…which is probably unhealthy. So if anyone can care about both, I suppose I am almost jealous of them? I think that’s probably a better approach to life. To be honest my beloved Patriots are in the Superbowl and I can’t bring myself to care *that* much about it. In my head the loss that happened on Nov 8th makes a football game seem trivial. DON’T TELL ANYONE. (lol i’m typing this and wearing a patriots hat and shirt but STILL)

      … and Leandra, while I’ve never been in your position, I do understand where you’re coming from. With the kind of loss you dealt with, you probably thinkg ‘OMGGG WHO CAAAAARESSSS’ about 500 times a day. I don’t blame you. Not the same scale, but I went to a wedding the day after my grandmother died. There was an adorable grandparent dancing at the wedding, and I resented that woman so much. I didn’t even know her, but thought “wow must be so nice to be able to attend your grandchild’s wedding”, as if it were her fault that she was alive and in my face. When you’re down about something, it’s so easy to take everything personally. You only have good things ahead of you, and happy days will be here again. xo

      • Breezy

        Of course, we should be able to focus on some lighthearted news here and there. We’d go nuts! 🙂 I just think the forceful execution of “LOOK at me i’m pregnant” and the whole what looked like a extravagant production seemed to turn me off. I think there is a chance that Leandra and many many other women out there wouldn’t feel as hurt if it wasn’t announced in such an entitled manner. But in a way maybe that is social media – which is a another problem in itself. xx

        • Jessica

          I can understand how you see it but I don’t feel the same way. I think is an artistic (David LaChapelle-esque) and interesting form of pregnancy shoot, instead of the burned out white-dress-holding-her-belly shoot. It’s fun for her and suits her persona, wich is the important part to be honest. Besides, what photo shoot is not narcissistic? And finally, a woman that has had losses in the past should and needs to express her joy the biggest way possible!

          • Senka

            Yes, but if it wasn’t Beyonce, but a person you know or a neighbor who you know had problems with a husband, and had difficulties, but stayed together, and after a while made huge flashy deal out of a new prengancy would you, or better yet, would anyone feel the same? Or would people think it’s a bad idea?

          • Breezy

            I probably wouldn’t get why she would be on top of an old dirty porsche stuffed with weeds, plants and flowers. Looking like an Awkward Family Photos shoot. But that’s just the criticism of the artistic direction I suppose.

          • Senka

            I didn’t really get the artistic message behind the photo shoot either. Is kitschiness ironic or serious? Or is it simply not my visual cup of tea.

          • rae0975

            Black feminism; our pain, suffering, healing and then rebirth. Both Lemonade and this photo shoot have ties to a Nigerian goddess; Oshun.

          • Senka

            Thank you! I didn’t know that. I really liked Lemonade, music and the visuals, even though I never listened to Beyonce previous to that (Eastern European former goth literally living under a rock).

          • Rae0975

            It actually wasn’t for you or #yall to understand. Its about Black feminism; our pain, suffering, healing and then rebirth. Both Lemonade and this photo shoot have ties to a Nigerian goddess; Oshun. And although this still may not change your opinion of it visually, it gives you a history lesson that you really aren’t privy to know about.

    • Katrina Elizabeth

      I’m just going to leave this here.

      https://youtu.be/rGxe83lXgJg

    • Jenelle

      Haha I actually completely agree with this. I’m happy for her that she’s pregnant, because this seems to be something that she wanted, but the reactions to it were over the top. Like if you are not her family and friends I don’t know why you would be so invested in the birth of two children who you will most likely never meet and know. Plus the photo shoot just seemed ridiculous. Like you need an editorial-like photo shoot that could have been featured in Vogue to announce your pregnancy?

    • Mai Kale

      Women everyday make pregnancy announcements and maternity shoots are a common custom.You resent the attention she got. She could have done a magazine shoot and made it some exclusive which is a celeb thing to do. She simply posted about her pregnancy and shared her maternity shoot, this is the norm, there is nothing narcissistic about that or tacky. You resent for whatever reason the reaction, that so many people cared. This is dripping with misogynoir.

      • Breezy

        I don’t think I looked at this enough into Beyonce as a woman. A woman who lost her child previously and a woman like many of us bears the weight of our society. I looked at it from a celebrity based surface level, which I realized was maybe unfair. But I also think that’s why for the comment to be portrayed as misogynoir really shook me – I apologize. I wasn’t thinking race but I realize now how this doesn’t seem fair and I’ve read through a lot of the comments. I will walk away from this with a better positive, perspective.,

  • Wray serna

    I just wanted to tell you that I agree. Your pain is your own and it is valid. As someone who is navigating the balance between aging out of having a baby and trying to nurture a blossoming clothing company, seeing photos of pregnancies and announcements reminds me that I am behind. It makes me feel lesser than. I can’t image how you feel if I feel this way. Know this, you are wonderful and your blog keeps me going. Each time I see a post of yours I am filled with joy. Everything you say is relevant to me right now and I am glad I have that so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

  • disqus_ZcXUulOSdm

    You aren’t alone in this feeling. 💕

  • I personally loved the photo shoot and her pregnancy announcement. I get happy when people have babies. I love pregnancy photos. As a black woman, I love seeing other pictures of black women reflected back at me because sadly in 2017, there are still not that many of us represented favorably in the news, in magazines and in the media. Beyoncé represents joy and powerful black womanhood to a lot of people. I’ve had two miscarriages in the past so I totally get the hurt in seeing other women celebrate their bodies while feeling like yours failed you. But at the same time, it’s dumb to tone yourself down for the sake of someone else’s possible hurt feelings. That’s no way to live. If and when you do get pregnant Leandra, you will probably take artsy fashion-y pregnancy photos in cute clothes and will probably want to share them with your readers too.

    • Jessica

      I think a big thing that Leandra missed out on in this post is that Beyonce has also suffered a miscarriage. She discusses it in “Life Is But A Dream.” It seems that she didn’t take many photos during Blue’s pregnancy (maybe out of fear of losing another pregnancy, who knows?). It makes sense that she would want to celebrate this joyous occasion. She’s fought hard. I’m also guessing she is having twins as a result of the fertility drugs she’s had to take to even get pregnant. But let me not assume. My point is that she has a lot more to relate to in Beyonce’s pregancy photo shoot than she realizes.

  • Celeste

    I think that the underlying piece of this is that we should feel responsible for the reactions and emotions of others in our online presences, when the intention might not be to sway them at all. We should generally act with the intentions of doing right by the people around us, but I think that this might suggest that the person who made us feel a certain way (in sharing a post) is the one who is responsible for the viewer’s feelings, rather than the viewer themselves. You’re right – we can’t provide for everyone’s reactions or triggers, but there is also something to be said for doing what you feel is right for you as far as social media posting goes, and not feeling responsible for how others feel as a result (unless of course you know this is going to affect someone specifically, then that’s a different story).

    We don’t know what Beyonce (or person A, B, C) went through to get to this point. She’s written at least 2 songs referring to a previous miscarriage and has alluded to it otherwise in Lemonade. And even if she hadn’t written those songs, we still just have no way of knowing. I know I keep my social media pages as a sort of log of what I’ve seen or done. I have no intentions of bragging, and don’t do anything that’s generally envious, but it’s not for everyone who follows me to decide or compel me to share one way or another. I think it needs to be a “you do you” thing rather than a place for us all to be extra sensitive about “hurtful” content, keeping in mind what would otherwise qualifies as hurtful content (i.e. something racist, sexist, or objectively offensive).

  • Kate

    I love seeing people at their best and happiest and it doesn’t make me feel like they’re bragging at all. BUT I completely understand how it could affect someone that way, and I think we should take pause before posting to assess how we might be making others feel. Which doesn’t mean NOT posting or even boasting! But it means being responsible with your words and image, and then having the compassion and humility if someone comes to you and says, “That hurt me” you can see why.

  • MiriamDorne

    My difficulty here is twofold.

    Firstly, who’s to say that Beyonce (or any of the approximately 101 women in your feed) didn’t struggle mightily to get pregnant, didn’t have miscarriages, didn’t think this would never happen for them? They could be overjoyed because they thought it was impossible for them. The dangers of presumption is, largely, the flattening out of other’s experiences, and the elevating of your own to entirely unique.

    Secondly, I feel as if reducing “normal women with normal bodies” to those who can get pregnant does a great disservice to those who have always known they are infertile, those who lost a uterus or ovaries to various medical necessities, and those women who may not look physically like an arbitrary definition of “normal.” “Normal” is a dangerous word, and especially so when applied to the role and bodily form of a woman.

    • Leandra Medine

      I’m completely with you on point no.1, which is why I say early in the piece “Who knows what she went through to get here.” – I won’t know and definitely can’t take my personal psychosis out on anyone. And re your second comment: smart, open-minded and true as day. I agree with you that normal is a dangerous word, and think I was compelled to override the trigger typing it out set off in my head because of the way in which I used the word, which was to indicate this grisy and primary almost-animalistic feeling of everyone having and me not. It doesn’t actually speak to the experiences of other people, and is frankly a completely selfish/narcissistic purview, which was intentional BUT I can see how and why it falls flat (none of that is mentioned) so thank you — Reviewing and flagging

      • MiriamDorne

        Thank you for taking my words under consideration, Leandra. And all my best wishes on your journey forward.

      • Kate

        As a person who carried a child and is now raising that child, I agree the concerns over words like “normal” are totally valid, but I onethousand percent see where you’re coming from in using them in this context. Nothing my body did ever felt good enough or right enough…I still wonder why I couldn’t give birth like “normal,” why I wasn’t elated and on cloud 9 as soon as she was born, like “normal.” It’s almost like we use “normal” as a pejorative against ourselves, a standard that we don’t apply to anybody else but WE feel abnormal so it’s like, literally everyone else is fine but I’m not, I’m broken. So edit it if you feel the need to be more inclusive, but I do appreciate/get that framing of toxic normalcy, personally.

      • Jasmin Day Booker

        I would just like to point out that Beyonce did, in fact, struggle to get pregnant. She has been very open about her past miscarriage and how painful it was for her. I’m sure you can empathize with that pain. In fact, the song Heaven on her self-titled album is an homage to that pain. If it isn’t too triggering, I encourage you to watch the music video. It may humanize Beyonce and help you realize that she is a woman, just like you, and probably has similar joys, desires, and pains. I am confident that one day you will have a beautiful family which you hope for – in the meantime, I hope you can celebrate Beyonce’s joy with her. I hope that one day I can share your joy with you as well.

      • BSM

        She has been very open about having a miscarriage. This is a really bad take.

      • jenny_mohan

        Hmm. I just wrote a very long comment about your use of the word ‘psychosis’ in an undiagnosed/inaccurate context (unless you’re actually suffering from full on delusions (the belief that things are true that are not, and which your general milieu don’t believe – whether that’s hearing voices and seeing things, or believing strongly something which doesn’t cohere with the world view of your peers), then I would guess that you mean something like ‘sadness’ or ‘troubles’), and how frustrating I find that, before realising that here is not the place. Please understand that while life can be tough for us in our twenties, there’s work-is-stressful-and-sometimes-I-need-a-glass-of-wine-and-a-good-cry-or-if-I’m-really-privileged-a-therapist tough, and there’s being-in-hospital-with-mental-illness tough, and those two things are *not* the same. Please get your mental health words from an actual psychiatrist, or not at all. Hmm. I guess this is the very long comment I wasn’t going to post here. I’m sorry.

  • Leandra, love your thinking. I like to say that social media is like Coca Cola. I LOVE Coca Cola, but I know I shouldn’t drink it all the time or really very often at all. After a two hour run, it’s great (calorie dense with sugar that brings me back to life). When I feel like I’m getting a migraine, a Coke sometimes staves it off. Otherwise, I know it’s just not great for me and so I don’t drink it. The responsibility for consumption is on me, the consumer. Now, what you’ve said about being humble and “sharing” is spot on, but I think that also comes back to the consumer because that’s where the power lies — (as you mentioned) in the form of unfollow. Just like with soda it’s okay to say too much for me right now. <3

  • KML

    I agree with this completely. This is the most articulate article I’ve read on the “harm” in sharing. Thanks Leandra. I hope people heed this article and think about what they’re posting.

    • Joy n L.A.

      You can’t be serious?

  • Sophie

    this argument could be used in every singe sitauation in life, which obviously doesn’t make it better, but i instagram is just a small part that confronts you with it. and why only be able to share self-deprecating or negative news? I think – as bad as that is – one has to deal with it and learn to seperate oneself of others, not compare. seeing a co-worker with a bag you love but it’s too expensive for you? an instagram post of your room-mate’s smiling grandpa at family dinner while yours just passed away? a joyful facebook post of someone who just moved to the city you always dreamed of living in? a post from the perfect summer vacation you crave to be taking? a friend inviting you for drinks to celebrate their promotion? a family friend that happily announces that they’re finally cancer free while your own parent has cancer and in no way en route to betterment? projecting every good thing happening to others and regarding it as braggy feels selfish and a bit ignorant. when you’re pregnagt, you will at some point share the news?! not spread it, how would one spread the happy news? i want to have a family, rather sooner than later, but unfortunately I’m not even close to that, i don’t even have a boyfriend. when I heard the news that my cousin was pregnant, it felt like someone hit me in the stomach so hard i could’t say one word. pregnany is also my trigger, but everyone has different ones, and keeping positive and happy news to yourself is not the solution. quite the contrary… and in Beyoncé’s case, it seems like she is not only sharing her happy news, but she’s spreading happiness as well, as you mention with Amelia’s reaction and that of “the entire female population of America”. So yeak, spreading insetad of just sharing.

    • Nora

      There is so much negativity in the world and ESPECIALLY on social media that I love to see when good things happen to people: whether it’s graduating college or law school, or buying a house or having a baby. People tend to work very hard for these things and when you get them, you want to shout it from the rooftops. So, Leandra, I love you, and as an egg donor to my friend who was having trouble with having babies, I understand the struggle. But please don’t be one of those people who turns this (or any happy moment of another’s) into something about themselves. Beyonce’s pregnancy literally has nothing to do with you. Just as people getting married after six months of dating when I have been single for 7 years, has nothing to do with me. 30 year-old friends buying houses when at 38 I still rent, has nothing to do with me. People who are best friends with their sisters and do everything together when I can’t even get my sister to ask me how I am, have NOTHING to do with me. If we can’t be happy for others when good things happen to them, then humility is not the greatest thing we lost, it’s selflessness. Experiencing joy for somebody when you get nothing out of it. We can all be disappointed for not having achieved all the things we want, but let’s not allow that to turn us into sourpuss(i)es. Especially when so many of us look up to you and what you’ve achieved. xo

  • Because I am curious: have you ever analyzed your whole online presence (blog, Instagram & Co.) trying to identify elements that might make other people feel unhappy in a similar vein?
    I cannot imagine a (visually and verbally) narrated life (or other) story that has no potential whatsoever to inflict harm. On the other hand, I also think we should be aware there will always be hurtful stuff out there and simply live with it. Having been on the receiving end of other people’s attacks for what were really just simple achievements (aka luck), I am somewhat critical of these situations and think we should assume quite some responsibility for them.

  • MrsA

    Thank you for writing this, feel the same way about all this but feel so guilty for feeling it! I’m not alone.

  • kelleylynn

    I get this. It’s tough. And the fact that your loss is so recent doesn’t help.

    But I think this issue transcends even social media, and dealing with these triggers is a huge and difficult part of the grieving process, but a necessary one.

    I lost my dad when I was a senior in high school, and the triggers are everywhere. It’s been almost a decade now, so things don’t sting quite like they used to, but it happens. I almost inevitably cry and think only about myself when I’m at a wedding and the father is walking the bride down the aisle…which is odd, and selfish, because I think it’s a weird archaic tradition and probably one that I wouldn’t want to partake in anyway if it weren’t being denied to me. Groan.

    I once had to take a long bathroom cry break at work because it was Father’s Day and a well-meaning customer kept asking me about how I was going to celebrate before having to say out loud in a store full of people “my dad’s dead”. Father’s Day is a particularly tough thing in general. Social media is rough on Father’s Day, but I can’t be mad at people for it. That would be nuts. The losses people have experienced are so vast and varied that I imagine it’s quite near impossibe to not trigger someone, at some point, with various social media announcements and celebrations, and it would be irrational to ask or assume that this all would stop because of who one might be hurting. Anyway. Don’t really know where I’m going with this. I guess I agree, but also understand that these triggers are, unfortunately, inescapable. That said, your pain is valid, and I fully support the unfollowing of whatever you need to in order to lessen these incidents and make life a little easier on yourself. Thanks, as always, for sharing. 💕

  • nevvvvave

    Is Beyoncé sharing her pregnancy really more indulgent/tone-deaf than routinely promoting wildly expensive clothing that’s not only potentially but almost certainly out of reach for most of its online readers? Blogs are social media too, and you could apply this analysis to nearly everything in the world. I love MR but as a previous commenter said- be careful of flattening other people’s decisions and elevating your own.

    • Clara

      Thank you. Would MR be open to addressing this affordability/accessibility piece? For me, it creates a weird tension when reading MR, if not an elephant in the room, but I just might be on the fringe of the intended audience.

      • Julia Park

        I agree that I would love to see a conversation of this type on Man Repeller. I feel the tension as well.

    • Funnily enough, I don’t care how expensive the clothes are – I simply assume there are people who can afford them and people who can’t (like me) …. Even if I could, I don’t think I would, but I have no problem with other people’s priorities. It’s their damn hard earned money.

      I also appreciate the many good ideas shown on MR and really wouldn’t want to miss them, so “my flow of thankfulness is steadfast” as far as the clothes are concerned and I don’t think cheap clothing would yield the same results, not even the copied pieces.

      Everything we do and then talk about is also information about the power we might yield: while it would seem someone who can afford more expensive clothes than me automatically has more power (we are conditioned to believe that), this does not give me the right to assume it is so and attack the person (my opinion).

      The other powerful element of the styles shown here is the whole honest “I’ll be me and you do you” approach … Again something I cherish A LOT. At the same time, I cannot help but notice I cannot do me to the same degree as the lovely ladies here, even with cheaper clothes – I have to conform so as not to be punished for sticking out because I lack a squad to support me. Period. Still nothing to hate about – at least I get to see other people living a life I appreciate. Nice feeling.

      • nevvvvave

        Yea I agree that what drives me to read MR is its creativity and honesty surrounding fashion, as well as acceptance of each other without undue judgement. And I would never expect or want Leandra to apologize for the money element of MR, which is why it felt weird to read this piece that’s just short of chastising a grown woman for publically celebrating such a happy moment in her life…I just think its easy to rationalize our own reasons for why we do what we do and not have to apply the same standards of judgement to others.

        • Leandra Medine

          Hey! Thanks for the thoughtful stream of comments here. I’m upset that it appears as though I’m chastising Beyoncé – I mention a few times that my personal plight is so not her (or anyone who post’s) fault. It is pretty self indulgent in an unhealthy way. The piece isn’t even really about Beyoncé. It was meant to start a conversation about social media. What’s interesting is how it’s evolving, how we’re changing with it and using it differently. So rather than rag on Beyoncé my goal was really to ask: should we be more sensitive about what we post or is that completely ridiculous?

          • ya

            Yes but why did this have to be at the expense of Beyoncé and those who love and follow her? This could’ve been about the Kardashians or Taylor Swift. But nope a black woman as per usual.

          • Isabel

            This article was clearly expressing sadness about reading another pregnancy announcement. It had absolutely nothing to do with the race of the pregnant individual.

          • Mai Kale

            I don’t agree with ‘ya’. But I do think race plays a part here.
            Beyonce was singled out and I guess the question is why. Why is Beyonce announcing her pregnancy different from any of the millions of women who do so daily? Celebs normally have magazine spreads, I know I recently saw Natalie Portman’s Vanity Fair Maternity spread.
            Why is she in particular being shamed for expressing joy after previously suffering a miscarriage? Why would you want someone who has previously struggled and has been open about her struggles to not express her joy? Why are you asking people to empathise with your particular circumstance while dehumanising her, taking the time to contextualise this issue while disregarding her circumstances. You discuss sensitivity and show her none.
            These are common themes BW experience, so while Leandra was triggered by Beyonce’s pregnancy post, a lot of women were triggered by this article. Also another one titled ‘Hey Beyonce, as a mum let me tell you this isn’t what pregnancy looks like’.

          • I think it’s just an unfortunate coincidence that Beyonce’s pregnancy photo happened to be the most recent one that Leandra saw and triggered her jealousy. If Natalie Portman’s pregnancy photo popped up on her feed first, then Natalie Portman would have been the celebrity reference in this post. I’d like to think that, because Man Repeller doesn’t seem like a racist site to me.

          • Mai Kale

            No it’s not racist, and she’s not racist of course not. I wasn’t saying that. But it does seem that people are quicker to critique BW, lack empathy for BW and make demands of BW.
            In this case, I just mean her race might have made it easier for her not to see that she too might be vulnerable.

          • ya

            Nothing about that was a coincidence.

          • ya

            LOL at not agreeing with “ya” when my comment wa basically about race. But sure Jan.

          • Tonididitonem

            Girl bye. Those of us who are well versed in white women’s passive aggressiveness and subtle ( but no less harmful) racism know the real deal.

          • Ellery

            I agree with you completely. ( am white)

          • It has everything to do with Race for all black women and that is what white women need to understand.
            You can’t claim to be a feminist and not see it around you. How many black women are celebrated in the media when they are pregnant?

          • Isabel

            Beyoncé was incredibly celebrated in the media with the announcement of her pregnancy!! It was the best news of the year!

          • nevvvvave

            I think that maybe at this point in time when social media is so ubiquitous and even inescapable to a point, we should more so be reflecting on HOW to deal with the type of discomfort that you mention, rather than trying to come to a (impossible) consensus on what type of things people should or shouldn’t be posting to avoid hurt feelings. It’s not that I don’t see where your writing is coming from, just that using Beyonces announcement seemed like an accusatory link to pull the two ideas together, which is why it felt like it was coming from a place of personal pain and even narcissism rather than a way of genuinely bringing up that discussion. Regardless, we should all remember to take a step back and try to disengage from forms of media that make us feel worse about ourselves needlessly.

          • Candice

            I think its ridiculous that u aren’t letting her enjoy her moment when she publicly was bashed during her last pregnancy when people said her baby bump wasnt real because they never saw her bare stomach. On top of that she publicly shared about having a miscarriage. So what’s wrong with her taking beautiful shots on her own to share as a strong yet feminine black woman? White actresses been on magazine covers for years making money off of showing their bumps and beyonce did it on here own. Whats wrong with that? Can you even count on 2 hands how many black entertainers have u seen on covers of magazines showing their bumps hmmmm…..

          • Katherina Baricot-Cabrera

            Well… I started reading this blog years ago, at the moment I was living in my home country Venezuela… where we suffer a severe food and medicine scarcity with political oppression, the whole community of fashion bloggers sharing their life style could be upsetting for someone in my position. But still I loved Manrepeller and this contrast of life styles motivated me. Now I live in US and have a somewhat fashion related job. So please, lets not be sensitive… share and inspire even when sometimes it hurts

          • That is how I understood your post. The big question that you also explicitly asked in the subtitle.
            My answer is ‘no, don’t be too sensitive if your overall intention is not to hurt but rather to share something you deem important’ (like happiness and pregnancy). Your readers have the duty to respect you as the main protagonist of your own story you have the right to tell. They are to deal with their negative emotions in private, if expressing them could hurt you.

          • Joy n L.A.

            It’s completely ridiculous in this instance.

          • Ellery

            It’s your subjective opinion that she is bragging or lacking in humility. You’ve coloured in her story using your own crayons.

            And as for sensitivity, I don’t think she is lacking in it by posting joyous photos of her own- hard won- pregnancy.

          • Dina Fried

            Leandra,

            This was a beautiful piece thought provoking piece. Maybe some ppl just missed the point bec the second some1 says something even remotely negative related to Beyonce they flip (thats how I get about Taylor Swift. it’s weird.)

            I don’t have an answer to this. But it is something to think about…. think about for hours. How we use social media, how it effects us and others. It’s so hard to be completely honest with ourselves but also so necessary.

            Thank you!!

    • Marisa

      Do you go to the Met and hate on the priceless masterpieces and get mad because they can afford to hang them; or does the artistry inspire you to make your own art?

      • nevvvvave

        Do you go to the met and get mad because MoMA has a more popular exhibit?

      • Holly Laine Mascaro

        I also feel frustrated sometimes seeing clothes or combinations I like and realizing they are insanely expensive and out of my reach, and it IS a different experience for me personally at least because I don’t come to Man Repeller just as “art,” like you would in a museum, I come here to largely practically be inspired for how I can up my dressing game day-to-day — and that’s impossible with a lot of the expensive statement items shown that I could never afford.

    • kneelbeforetigers

      Thank you. Dead on.
      This is literally a Taylor Swift hitting up Nikki Minaj moment… not everything is about you right at this moment!

    • BarbieBush

      I think about this aspect of MR a lot. I don’t necessarily feel tense about the unaffordability of the featured pieces but it is obviously unrelatable to me and probably a lot of us. I think this division has come from the origins of the blog and how it has grown organically. Like..this was/is a fashion website. I know the mission changed to be more focused on the community but the core of this whole thing was and is fashion. “Good fashion” or whatever is usually built on quality fabrics, names etc..which will always cost hella $$$. When MR first began it was wayyyy more fashion driven…with the increase of articles per day and employees etc many more of them are opinion or human interest. I think vis a vis comments and interest you can tell the articles (like this one) that engage people. At the end of the day though, and to the whole point of this article, you can just not click on something if it doesn’t interest you.

    • Lisa

      I think this is spot on. It is a love/hate. Love MR. Hate that the clothes are inaccessible to the majority of us. It would be a great conversation to have. The fantasy of beautiful clothing need not only be with the reality of a giant price tag. There are many ways to celebrate the art of fashion without falling down the fast fashion rabbit hole.

  • Eun Jung Cha

    I have to say I agree. Beyonce’s amazing, I respect her in everyway and it makes me happy that she’s pregnant with twins! But it’s up to Leandra whether she wants to feel upset or not. I think you’re free to feel that. I felt the same after looking at someone else’s successful career through Instagram posts. It happens, and I think whether it’s appropriate or not doesn’t matter. One is free to feel hurt by a social media post. I just want to say I come to Man Repeller to read articles that say things upfront. Things that I’m too afraid to admit to. So I think it’s healthy that you had the courage to write this article.

    • Senka

      I don’t even think it’s our choice whether we want to feel hurt by something or not. Because even though we can chose to react or not react on certain emotions, we can’t chose emotions themselves. So if one’s going be hurt, they are going to be hurt. It’s what we do with it that counts.

      • Eun Jung Cha

        I agree. I guess I meant that about what we do with it as well. Sometimes, it’s normal to feel stupid for being upset by something someone has posted. I just don’t think we should be ashamed.

        • Senka

          Totally. It’s a part of being human.

      • Jep.

    • MR

      But you can choose to write an article about that pain that says “a black woman caused my suffering.” Pain isn’t apolitical.

  • Léandra 😉 I love the genuine way you manage to share such personnal stuff on man repeller. It makes us not feel alone. So you go girl !

  • kaycee

    I feel so much for you. We’ve been struggling with infertility the last 3 years, with a 1 year hiatus built in because my husband was recovering from cancer, but I’ve never not been happy for someone who was happy to be pregnant and share it. Until quite literally a month ago, I was indifferent towards whether or not I ever physically gave birth (I’ve been a huge promoter of adoption since I was a teenager, I never understood the need to have “your own” baby…I still don’t really). Then one of my close friends had the fattest, rolliest, happiest babies and a chord was plucked inside of me that sang “I want one”.
    We finally met with our doctors again to begin the process of trying to have a baby again. One round of IUI and if that doesn’t work, then onto IVF. I’m not thrilled about the idea of IVF, all those shots and hormones and science. But I am thrilled with the idea that 1) I can choose the gender (I want a little girl terribly), and 2) we can have the strongest most viable embryo that will have been screened for anything we can to try to have the healthiest baby we can make.
    Before anyone jumps down my throat about wanting to pick the gender, honestly bite me.
    But all of the additional screenings are truest the most important. My husband has several chronic health conditions, that if we can screen for it ahead of time the baby’s quality of life will be immensely better. I wouldn’t wish everything my husband had gone through on anyone.
    Last night, after seeing and celebrating Beyoncé’s twins, I told my husband that I was finally at the point where I was really ready and wanting for this to happen and work out. if it doesn’t work out, I’ll be upset. Maybe devestated. I’ve never wanted something that was so far outside of my reach and so totally outside of my control. I get what I want. And to be completely at the mercy of nature/science/the gods is a horrible helpless feeling.
    My advise to you, or anyone, is to not compare yourself to others. There’s always going to be someone who has something you DESPERATELY want, and can’t have like a baby, a normal family, a job they love, a unicorn, or a Birkin.
    Social media is a constant cruel reminder of all the haves and have nots.
    I’m sure you hate being told to be patient (I know I fucking do), but things do work out how they’re supposed to in the universe. Keep your head up, and keep kicking ass, and you’ll find the right baby for you (wherever it may come from).

  • Senka

    I can relate to that to some extent. In a way I lost a previously very close friend because of that, and can attest to that person alienating another friend with such behavior. Admittedly it was a little bit different, because she did it on purpose. Even had admitted to do so couple of times. First it was with inceasant photos of her non too enthusiastic boyfriend and later husband, all over facebook in selfies that were meant to show she had found a holly grail, even tho we all knew her marriage was fine, but not perfect. Then she got pregnant and started flooding her social media with belly, and later baby pictures. Baby was the most adorable little thing in the world and everyone loved seeing him, but not so much her captions that kept saying that only now she saw a true purpose in life and nothing else in the world should ever matter, to anyone. I knew, and so did she, that another friend was trying to get pregnant, but couldn’t, for quite some time. I felt like she’s deliberatelly rubbing salt into her wound by talking about her perfect baby. Saddest of all was, that the said friend used to be very mean to people who talked about partners and posted photos of children before. After a while, a friend who couldn’t get pregnant pointed it out, to the young mother’s “surprise” and anger, so they stopped hanging out. In a couple of months, she also openly hurt me by saying that a life without a child has no point and that one who doesn’t plan to have one, may as well not live, knowing well that I don’t intend on having children. So she sort of lost me too. Words, and social media posts can hurt. And judging by my former friends attitude, not that of Beyonce of course, are sometimes intended to hurt some or exact people, while making us feel better about our selves. Frivolous stuff like selfies with good make up, trips or a good time photo, are one thing. Bigger life events another. Post them, enjoy them, sure, but be carefull how u caption it if you don’t want to hurt people, knowingly or not.

  • Emma

    Hello Leandra. I can feel you. I lost my baby one week before her birth 9 months ago and I still sometimes feel that this didn’t happen, like I never was pregnant at all. But then I feel grateful that I had her inside me for those 9 months and I move on. I really want to have a second baby and I hope to have it soon. I wish the same for you too. The article after your lose was amazing and I really started like you since then. 🙂

    • Stefany Rachel Fortin

      Hi Emma, I am so sorry about your loss. I am 4 months today into my late loss (30 weeks). As devastating as the loss itself is, I find so much comfort in other women being vocal about their loss. We should establish a pregnancy after loss support network:)

  • MR

    You say someone else’s joy can cause suffering but more pernicious is how white suffering distorts black joy (see T.Swift). Saying you know it’s selfish/narcissistic doesn’t downplay effects.

  • Alexandria Crahan

    She owned the news rather than allow gossip or paparazzi to tell it for her.

  • Holly Laine Mascaro

    “She is arguably immortal and has an accented letter in her name — some people have all the luck.” – I’m #Dead.

  • Alana

    Thank you for sharing this piece! I think it’s important to take the audience’s feelings into consideration when posting. With that being said, anybody can take offense to anything so it can be hard to prevent hurting others.
    Your feelings towards pregnancy photos are valid and just. It’s hard to accept certain aspects of another person’s life. When I scroll through Man Repeller I’m often jealous and somewhat sad that I can’t afford to have cool, fun, and unique style. I could take offense, saying that it’s boastful to post such luxurious pieces, but I choose to put things in perspective.
    Everyone is unique and the only person living your life is you. Everyone will go through different experiences. That doesn’t make you more or less of a person than anyone, including Beyoncé!

  • MG

    I get what you are saying and I honestly question why people post 50% of the things they do. I am critical of people who share pregnancy news in their first trimester- too critical, really. One big thing for my about this shoot was that Beyonce was twirling on all her haters who said she didn’t carry Blue Ivy, so I didn’t see it as gratuitous as other posts. I think one thing social media has emphasized is how we process other’s successes, joys, etc. If someone who you tangentially knew in high school got engaged/promoted/married/pregnant in a pre-social media world, you would probably not know or you would hear about it but not be updated on it weekly basis. Also, social media is fake. Not many people post their hardships or the shitty parts of their life. Keep doing you, Leandra.

  • glindathegoodwitch

    I’m sorry to say that I know exactly what you are talking about. I had six miscarriages (three going into the second trimester). It shook me and my husband to our core and took me time and therapy to recover. For at least a year after we stopped everything we were both raw and hyper-sensitive to events, remarks, etc. It amazed me the casual remarks people made – people who knew what we’d gone through, like how someone felt sorry for an only child, when we would have been beyond grateful to have that one chance. I had a hard time seeing babies; the special parking for expectant mothers set me off; being asked if I was a mother on mother’s day (in order to be given a free rose) felt like a slap in the face. My husband and I used to say that it felt like being excluded from a club we so desperately wanted to join. I was in an online group for women who had suffered miscarriages and were trying to carry to term. Slowly people had success and drifted off leaving me as the sole “failure”. When age, money and the emotional toll made it clear we needed to stop and move on, there was little to no support. People don’t talk about this. You find the help you can and navigate through it. But it is something that stays with you forever, even when you can now smile at babies and also awkwardly be handed a flower when you respond “Yes, I am a mother to two cats.” So when you are raw like this and see photos of gloriously pregnant women, it stabs you in the gut. It won’t always, and hopefully you will get to your glorious day one day soon. But, if you don’t, you will be okay. It will change you forever. It will make you a different person. But, it will be okay whatever happens next. You have a right to grieve. Don’t hold it back.

  • Tiffany Rey

    While you’re feelings are absolutely normal, they are also a reminder that the ego is large at play. It wants you to feel that you are less than because you have not giving birth and that is simply not true.

    To combat this you need to celebrate in other’s joy even if it hasn’t appeared in your life yet (no matter how much time has passed). When you are able to feel other’s joy even when it’s not your own, you move to a higher level of consciousness and happiness.

    I had not conceived as fast I had wished as well and I felt the same as you do but I decided to turn my ego on its ugly head and focused on all the beautiful things I did have in my life to be grateful for. And visited every friend or family who recently had a baby and genuinely shared in their joy. Ironically, the month I did this along with daily meditation (focused on happiness) I conceived my son.

    You are more than enough Leandra and you will have that beautiful family you envision. Wishing your heart love, peace and unwavering faith.

    • Leandra Medine

      Screen shot this. I will read it to myself often

      • Tiffany Rey

        So honored you will. <3

      • EVJ

        Good thing to do. Buddhism teaches this exact thing: rejoice in others good fortune, and use that rejoicing to fight jealousy and reduce the ego. Only way I get by in NYC now that it has become a community for the 1%.

      • Emily Rose Ma

        As much psychoanalytic wisdom that may be, and I don’t say it like a euphemism, — I want to echo a line you said, of how hard much harder it is to climb out of that hole when you are confronted with (beyond what you Do Not Have) but Loss, and to affirm that it doesn’t hurt to get away from it, in order to come out of the incomprehensible maze. Always seeing Loss, the distinct, personal thing of you, as something others have Not lost, can be grating and harsh and starving of that particular empathy you need. If someone’s experience and projection of life alienates you, especially what makes them happy and Where They Are Going (or it may be an occurrence that doesn’t necessarily make them happy, but it is the particular thing that would for you) it may liberate you to see something different, see a different Language freeing from the same language-image dichotomy of This is Good, This is Bad. What it may reveal is how other people are not fulfilled by what would be the stars and the sun for you, and how much you so elaborately, and intricately, can long and feel Beauty for what you seek and search for. It may not be, purely, a dilemma of analyzing and fixing your alienation among others, but to be where you don’t feel it, and can also journey with it, perhaps more copacetically. My favorite art speaks to me the aesthetic that you can never pretend there isn’t loss, even if Beauty is ambient. Sometimes they harmonically give company to each other. When there’s enough space for your sadness, to dignify yourself, sometimes it weirdly occurs that it can give you company
        .

        • Jwe Woods

          Of course because everything that black women do should be scrutinized and criticized and ridiculed she’s the first ever celeb to announce her pregnancy no different than you announcing your wedding to the Cohan guy should I as a single woman be upset with you rubbing it in snap it in my face that I don’t have a man I can’t get a man I need a man I want to man bitch please

          • Anjel Sicard

            Commas and periods, lady. Use them!

    • Cassidie Clayton

      Stephen R Covey calls this the scarcity mentality vs abundunce mentality. I like the way he frames it.

    • Dmommy

      You are so right!

  • MrsRobinson

    Beyonce suffered a miscarriage before having Blue Ivy. I suffered a miscarriage last year and now I am pregnant again. The issue is not that someone should hide their glee when they have great news but that miscarriages should be talked about more often. We are told to keep our pregnancies secret for a certain amount of time because it would be hurtful to have to go back and tell everyone that you have lost it….but there shouldn’t be any shame in a loss. This happens so often. Maybe if we talked about that more than we wouldn’t feel like we are incapable. I wish I had been more excited after I found out the news of this pregnancy. Instead I was incredibly afraid that I would lose it…again. I stressed, cried at every ultrasound and didn’t sleep for many nights because of it. The only thing I can say is don’t give up hope and know that your time is coming. We stopped trying for a year after our loss…now that’s one hell of a dry spell. I made an appointment with the fertility specialist and one week prior tested positive. I hope you find some comfort in my story… <3

  • M. victoria A.

    i know how you feel. Two years

  • MR

    The announcement isn’t about you. It’s about black pain, joy, and rebirth.

    https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/2fee1424eb52607fb61ccf9041be4a39ef5d8ca8b1626de1c0dbd5359455665b.jpg

    • Jane Dempsey

      Agree–while I understand the mixture of reactions and where people are coming from (ie: trying to get pregnant, which I would never take away from that), so much of the reaction I saw from my Twitter feed (I mainly follow Black Twitter, black women and specifically activists and writers) was a feeling of unmitigated joy after 4 months of post-election depression and emotional trauma. Not only the sadness over recent events, but we as black women also face the stigma of how black motherhood should look like which is often riddled with stereotypes. We’ve always been put down in this respect but the past few months have been especially fraught, and this was a deeply joyous occasion that black motherhood representation as a positive.

  • victoria

    i know how you feel. Two years ago i lost a baby. Suddenly, it felt as if my social media feeds were full of people getting pregnant, and even teenagers getting pregnant and all i could think was “how dare they?”. It truly is an awful feeling, and i did take it personally. i would hate the mother and even the baby. How awful is that? i would hate “their stupid little families” for having everything i couldn’t/can’t have. It really does feel personal, as if the whole world is against you and people are just trying to make you feel bad. But i think it is important to know that is not personal and to be kind to yourself for the way you are feeling because it’s okay to be angry and disappointed.

    It’s also okay to do what you have to do to protect yourself from feeling this way again.

  • Social media is a two-way street, in my opinion. Much like the poster should take time to analyze her motives, I as the viewer should analyze why the poster’s photo/post/etc. makes me feel the way it does – otherwise it’s just empty consumption, comparison and self-wallowing.

    If I’ve learned anything for myself, it’s that I did not sit with my feelings of inadequacy long enough to realize they were not feelings of inadequacy at all. They were a recognition of someone else’s small successes, someone else’s triumphs. My immediate reaction was to justify my own feelings – “Look at her, killing it at this life stuff” – and in my small mind, I would twist someone else’s happiness to mean there would be none left for me.

    As strange as it may sound, the way we consume social media can be a great indicator of our mental well-being. Obviously, there are times when we’d rather justify our behavior and blame others than deal with the dark demons inside.

    I so appreciate your vulnerability in sharing, and I hope you know that you are not alone. XO

  • Babs

    yeaaaaah no. Narcissism is one of the core features of social media. If we’re going to engage in selfie-posting and like-harvesting, then we have to accept when other people do the same. I think the only alternative is to disengage completely.

  • Marisa

    I agree with you. The heartbreak of my life has been losing my mother to cancer, and every mother’s day I feel so lost as I watch what feels like the world either taking their moms to brunch, or complaining about what a pain their mothers are. America is a ‘blame the victim’ culture – if you feel bad because of anything you see, it’s your fault, so just stop looking; or get off your lazy ass and fix yourself so you don’t bring the rest of us down. But I’ve learned it’s never wrong to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and to not feel ashamed about whatever that means. As women, we are demanded to answer for times when we are not 100% happy or cheerful – why are you being so selfish? mean? a bitch? Because I am human. It’s OK.

  • jujokki

    I’m there with you. Lots of love.

  • Laura

    I’ve so been there with the pain of seeing non stop pregnancy posts when you have been trying for years to conceive. it makes you feel like shit and guess what – you should NOT feel guilty about it. they wont know either way. unfollow away. there’s no shame in it and when you are battling infertility you need to practice radical self care. watch out for yourself and your feelings the same way you will for your future child. what you are going through is REALLY hard. but the way you feel right now won’t be forever, i promise.

    i am rooting for you, leandra.

  • Jill

    I know you acknowledge that you are narcissistic, self absorbed and vain regularly. But you REALLY are narcissistic, self absorbed and vain. Maybe you’ve been in therapy TOO much….taught that your thoughts and feelings are a bit more significant in the grand scheme of the world than they are. I feel for you about your wanting to get pregnant — I can’t imagine what that feels like and I don’t wish it on anyone. But you really only see the world DIRECTLY as it relates to you personally. And it’s simply not about you (I know you say just that, that it’s not about you, but that doesn’t prevent you from writing long articles and recording podcasts precisely about how things that aren’t about you affect you). You post stuff all the time that could be offensive to others on the same basis you articulate here. But because that doesn’t offend you personally, it’s not worth a second thought. I used to love the voice of MR so much and really relate to it. But now there’s so much psycho babble and heaviness to it and too-deep analysis of things that are frivolous and meant to be fun. And it’s a bummer.

    I really, truly hope you get pregnant. I don’t want to be an internet troll or hater here…just food for thought.

    • Alexia

      I think you’re being really insensitive here. MR makes a great effort to post things that don’t offend other people. Can you please give me one example in which something MR/Leandra has done that is offensive to others? I saw someone used the expensive clothes argument but I don’t really buy that. Unlike most other fashion blogs, MR is about how you style things, not about how you need to buy a specific piece.

      Leandra isn’t saying that we flat out shouldn’t post things that offend others… but just that we need to consider it might before doing so. For example, it would really suck if you lost your child only to see a million mother’a day posts. It’s not to say we shouldn’t celebrate Mother’s Day, just that we should consider others feelings in the process as well.

      • CC

        How do we know what others are and aren’t considering when they post though? This is the onerous part of the argument. You have no idea what anyone is thinking about before they share certain news. If you’re not saying that people should restrict such news altogether, then what difference does it make to you if they give it 2 seconds or 2 hours of thought before hitting “post”? Are we seeking apologetic aphorisms in the social media copy to demonstrate this consideration? There has to be a line between the individual emotional work that all of us need to do and expecting people on the internet to take on those burdens for us. Also, this is all an *incredibly* ironic argument within the greater context of Man Repeller and modern fashion blogging, but I think others have hit those notes sufficiently.

        • Alexia

          I think it’s more about the concept of just taking the time to think about what you post. Maybe it’s just because I’ve been in a similar situation to Leandra, but I can see her point. Just be mindful.
          Maybe the Beyoncé example wasn’t the best one. But frequently public figures do post things without thinking about the pain it will cause; for example, a lot of fashion bloggers post pictures of themselves having picnics at plantations without saying a word about its history. It is important to share joyful news but it’s also important to be grateful and realize not everyone is in the same spot. Plus, why do we have to only share the good parts of our life on social media? Because that seems to be the norm and it creates a false reality

          • Elle

            Some people make the most privileged comparisons. How did you just compare being affected/envious by a pregnancy announcement to the glorification of plantations when they’re known to be a centerpiece of slavery?

          • Alexia

            My arguement is that we tend to be ignorant about how what we post on social media can hurt people. Furthermore, I clearly did not compare having a pregnancy announcement to being ignorant of a plantation. I said: “Maybe Beyoncé isn’t the best example, but here is one…”. I mentioned it since it’s something I see a lot, and it’s something I’ve called bloggers out on a lot. That’s not to say that posting a pregnancy announcement is equally as bad (or even bad) but I do think that in both instances people forget that not everyone is going to be over the moon by their post.
            The point I’m trying to make it that you need to be mindful before you put something on social media. And also that what Jill said about Leandra was both unkind and unfair. All she was trying to do was start a valid discussion about social media, not put anyone down.

          • CC

            The presumption that people haven’t considered what they post before they post is unfounded, and yes the use Beyonce as an example of this was a particularly poor choice. Bloggers picnicking at plantations is a completely different topic as the actual ACT of the picnic at a location like that is just as bad as posting about it. There is nothing wrong with getting or being pregnant such that posting about should require so-called “thoughtful” consideration prior to. Also, the discussion about selective sharing on social media is a larger societal discussion that doesn’t necessarily fit within the context of this article. Y’all are trying to reason with a post that is simply in poor taste. Call a spade a spade. A discussion about blogger elitism and irreverence is fair. A discussion about the ramifications of bloggers and others on social media only posting the highlights is fair. This post was not.

          • CC

            I’m just seeing this, but AGAIN – You have no idea what anyone did or didn’t “take the time” to do before they post. The examples of tone deaf white fashion bloggers on slave plantations doesn’t fit with this story or birth announcement (and is frankly, and odd choice to illustrate your view here but I’ll leave that alone). Anyway, implying that women who share their birth or wedding, or graduation, or new job announcements aren’t “grateful” and don’t realize that everyone isn’t in the same spot is excessively presumptive and unnecessary. Some of you are projecting rather unfair standards on others and you have absolutely no way of quantifying the “consideration” that you’re claiming you want them to have. Unless you expect people to not share their news at all, or be apologetic for the good things that they share, it remains unclear what the solution would be as actual praxis.

    • Senka

      Actually what you call a psychobabble makes me appreciate it so much more. Yes fashion is fun, yes MR was one of those places where fashion talk was as funny as it was relevant and liberating. Leandra’s style of writing is what brought me here soon after it started, and the evolution of the community and all the contributors is what kept me here all these years. Recent talk about anxiety, self doubt, and introspection is great, because to me, personally it makes me feel less alone, even thoug I am not going through the exact same situation as Leandra. I read the comments of many women who are, and the fact that someone brilliant and succesful like Leandra shares her experience, makes it easier for them.

  • Beatriz Moreira

    I lost a baby in 2015 and I qm really happy to see my friend (who also lost a baby in 2014) finally hoding her new born in her arms. That’s what solidarity means, being happy for other people as well, and not putting your feelings in front of other people joy.

    You know, every time Man Repeller post any pics in social media or whatever, I remember that I cannot afford this expensive stuff. I also remeber Leandra saying that she proud and happy about her shoes (probably very expensive ones).

    I think the will for pregnancy starts to look like a “luxurious” item for people who are not capable to understand what true love means: being a mom is not about having a big belly for 9 months, its about loving someone else besides yourself (and that’s why some people can have and love children without being their biological parent). This what parenthood means to me, that’s what “the biggest live in the world” means.

  • Gwyn

    sorry leandra, but this is annoying. it’s okay to share your happiness on social media. beyonce can celebrate this monumental thing without needing to worry about the feelings of those seeing it. also: announcing a pregnancy does not constitute a brag!

    (frankly this is almost as annoying as when you guys wrote a whole article defending lena dunham’s abortion comment)

    • Jill

      Agreed. By this argument, you posting about being a successful public figure with a privileged background who was married, had a book deal, a successful business and brand and sat on the front row of huge fashion shows when you weren’t interviewing Karlie Kloss or Jenna Lyons or jetting off to your rich parents’ mansion in the Hamptons, all before the age of 27, should have given you pause less it offend anyone on the Internet. But you didn’t hesitate Leandra. You posted about those things because they made you feel happy and proud and helped grow your business and brand. Maybe, just maybe, Beyoncé was doing the same and not considering you when she posted that. This post and your incessant whining are just irritating. You acknowledging your self involvement and conceit but not doing anything to change it doesn’t make it any less annoying. I still like every 5th article or so on MR, but I wish it was how it used to be.

    • Olivia AP

      Omg same. I got so mad when I read this. The problem is not with social media, the problem is with YOU. Imagine not sharing any of your happiness because it may hurt someone, how stupid and selfish is that. When you share something good that happened to you, people who really love you will fell happy for you, no matter what is going on with their life.
      I think I’ll take a break from MR, because this article is very self centered and I don’t mean to judge people but sometimes you don’t get what you want, some other people do, be mature and be happy for others. And Beyonce’s sharing is bad but not MR oversharing of clothes and jewelry that are not affordable for most people, I don’t know if it’s the Trump effect but I’m not in the mood for this.

  • Gwyn

    beyonce’s announcement was the one good, exciting, not soul-crushing piece of media i’ve seen in a while.
    a brash display of joy in the midst of a very dark, scary time. in that sense it is a subversive act on her part

  • Tatiana Green

    Beyoncé, a proud black woman who has been vocal about her miscarriage in the past shouldn’t celebrate her pregnancy on the Internet?

  • Hushhhhhhhhh

    Lol what white nonsense pity party is this? Stop bringing down other women to make yourself feel better.

  • Emily

    I’ve been following your battles with IVF because I have been going through the same thing, and it doesn’t bring me any joy that you are still struggling. It’s such a cruel unfair thing to go through and it’s so incrediby hard to see other women succeed in this one battle seemingly effortlessly. I believe Beyoncé has somewhat openly struggled too and I give her props for being absolutely gorgeous and persevering.
    My point is that I wish people were more open about IVF and infertility but find myself unable to speak about it, and yes I will barely be the Facebook announcing type either. And I give you props for wearing it on your sleeve and posting about it.

  • USMAMule

    Look. I’m going to need to you to work out your personal demons and what seems to be a personality disorder without suggesting that the entire F-ing internet be a safe space for your particular neurosis. Beyonce (or anyone else) announcement aside – you said yourself that Instagram is where bad things happen (for you). Suggestion: stop going on Instagram, or just let people live without filing think pieces about why they’re wrong for not taking the feelings of weird nonspecific internalized pressure, of perfect strangers, into consideration.

  • Alexandra Erin

    I am frankly aghast you’d bemoan the loss of “humility”, defined as a feeling of inferiority. I don’t come to a site called ManRepeller.com expecting to read something that amounts to “Sure, social media gives us more agency, but we could stand to be a little more lady-like about how we use it. Am I right?”

  • Brittany

    I completely get this. After my miscarriage a year ago I unfollowed tons of people on Facebook (including my own sister in law who’s third was due uncomfortably close to my one dead baby’s due date) and Instagram. I just couldn’t deal with the tone deaf over sharing of all these woman for whom the ease and happiness of their lives was their end all and be all. They seemed utterly unable to grasp how cruel they seemed to so many silent women. I was fortunate enough to get pregnant again… not nearly as fast as I would have hoped but still…. and I have still not announced on social media. Or even in person until it was completely obvious. I’m still getting people just now realizing I’m pregnant and I’m 8 months along. Everytime someone asks I cringe and hope no one around me is silently weeping to themselves. I will never treat pregnancy and babies as my right after my experiences getting and staying pregnant.

  • Court E. Thompson

    “Should we be thinking harder about we do or don’t post?”

    No. Absolutely not.

    A person experiencing joy should not limit their expression of that joy because someone, somewhere in the world is unhappy at that moment. When my friends posted their wedding pictures, it was not about me, even if it made me sad that I was single. Same deal when friends post about promotions and raises and I’m still an assistant and have never, ever gotten a promotion. When I was fired from a boutique fitness job that I loved, I unfollowed my friends who still worked there because it hurt too much to see it. But that’s about me. Not about them.

    A little while ago, you posted a caption about your body and accepting that what you felt were your flaws. People jumped on you about it because they didn’t see the flaws that you did and it made them feel bad because if that’s what you see as flaws in yourself, then what are you thinking about them. Truth? Nothing. We don’t think about others the way we do ourselves. What we perceive as flaws in ourselves are nothing on other people. You were expressing yourself and your own feelings and some people felt that was an indictment on them, even though it had nothing to do with anyone else but yourself.

    So instead of feeling sad, you’re going to be happy for Beyonce, a woman who went through the same pain you did and now has found joy. Because that’s what adults do.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my mouth out with wine to get rid of the aftertaste of my mother coming out of it.

  • Zup

    I shared on Facebook that I was pregnant about a week before Beyonce did. I did not do this to “brag” or “boast” or eschew being “humble.” I did it to *inform* people who care about me. I told family and close friends in person first. I know that some of the women in my life were having their own fertility issues, and I told them my news personally with as much care and sensitivity as possible. But I do not know everyone in my circles who have the same issues, and as you say, it would be impossible for anyone to try to curate that kind of list. Facebook was a tool to tell everyone at the same time, to 1) make things easier on me during a hectic time, and 2) ensure there were no hard feelings about some people finding out sooner than others.

    My husband and I had trouble conceiving. I have great empathy for your situation. However, what is the alternative? Keeping this kind of information secret is much more harmful to relationships, because it is not a secret that can remain kept. You seem to regard pregnancy as a one-time event that gets either stated publicly or remains unstated. That’s not so. It’s the beginning of a major, irreversible change to the rest of people’s lives. It’s not something you can hide from or outrun. Eventually, you will know, and it will hurt, and it will have nothing to do with how you found out and everything to do with the work you have left to do on yourself. Seek help with that work if you need it. Your life will be a much better one if you can find a way to share in others’ joy rather than continuing to seek ways to place barriers between yourself and that joy.

  • Mai Kale

    I appreciate you sharing your perceptive. I think that takes courage.
    As a BW I know the importance of self-care and protecting yourself from mirco-aggressions intentional or not. So do what is best for you, click that unfollow button and save spare yourself. I know you don’t want to miss out but really who needs the stress.
    But I have to point out, there is a lack of context here in regards to Beyonce.
    This is a woman who too has lost a child and then had the world accuse her of a false pregnancy, with awful hateful conspiracy theories. I remember thinking this must be horrible psychologically speaking, how does she cope. Also thinking would this happen to a WW, this complete lack of thought and compassion. And every-time she mentioned ‘giving birth’ to her daughter Blue Ivy (which she does a lot) I knew what she was doing. They stole something that you could tell meant so much to her after the loss of her first child, I can only imagine what it must feel like to know people believe that you put on this massive charade. I thought is was the most callous, unfeeling thing to do to a woman who had suffered a miscarriage. And the jokes, which are still very common on Twitter are just disgusting. So with all this in mind, I understand and think she is allowed this, (not that I need to allow her anything) but I understand her need to have this moment, as I looked through the pics I could hear ‘you won’t take this away from me this time. No more rumours, no ambiguity, I’m having twins here are the receipts, her you go. DEAL!’. I very much get the impression that 35 year old Beyonce is tired of curbing herself for people who neither deserve or appreciate it. She is very much in your face and I think that is self-care for her, to not care and just be.
    Sadly and beautifully I think you two would understand each-others situations more than most.

  • Nicole

    Other people’s posts on social media do still somehow create internal thoughts. I feel self-conscious about my current place in life, and then I wish I had theirs, or sometimes I am relieved I’m doing better. And all those feelings compound into shame that I’m envious or smug or whatever. The easy way to say this is: Social media will always make you feel ~some type of way~. You are valid in your feelings, Leandra, and it’s okay to admit to being annoyed. I think for as many times as social media makes me feel small, it inspires, empowers, or encourages. Sometimes I have to take a break to dwell on the positive, and that doesn’t make me weaker, it makes me aware and attentive to what’s best for me.

  • OJM

    This is such a projection piece. One would assume that your struggles with what happened to you would allow you to understand why this woman would want to share her pregnancy with the world. She has been vocal in the past about her own miscarriage, ridiculed during her first pregnancy (her child is STILL ridiculed), and now how has found joy in this pregnancy while the world is practically a garbage fire. The latter are not things that most will ever have to deal with during a pregnancy or during their child’s life. Let’s also stop figure heading black women as these inhuman super beings that are able to bear the weight of pain and feelings on behalf of non black women–that we should only share what is happening to us if it is relative to NB women sympathizing with us at the expense of our pain, rather than being happy for us. She is extraordinary, but she’s still human. I really get sick of seeing the excuse that Beyonce is immortal or whatever the hell NB people use to justify dissecting Bey apart when they’re upset with something she’s done. Your issue with seeing another person’s pregnancy is yours to deal with, not hers. Why should she hide her joy for your sake? Why should the world hide their joy for your sake specifically? Everything she ever does will be reacted to in the most over the top way, because she is one of, if not the famous person, on this planet. I think the most important thing for you to take away from the reaction to piece is to possibly speak to a professional or a counselor about how you’re feeling and how you cannot avoid seeing another people being pregnancy. Announcing a pregnancy is not a brag, it’s not boastful–it’s expected. It was going to be noticeable soon. Why disfranchise a woman taking her pregnancy and its perspective into her own agency. I cannot believe that people have to tell someone to let another person and anyone else be happy about a pregnancy. If you are fortunate enough to get pregnant again, no one should be allowed to (and I hope they don’t) make you feel bad about being open about it and I hope you understand that eventually.

  • thequeengeek

    I’ve had two pregnancies, and no live births. One almost killed me. I think we need to talk more and louder and earlier about pregnancy. Yeah, it hurts to see people pregnant, but every time someone comes out as having a miscarriage, or a health scare, or a hard time, it helps me. I need to see that story as much as I need to see the story of the easy pregnancy. I need to see the vast experience of pregnant people. It helps me feel more normal.

    The problem isnt’ sharing happy things, it’s overcurating because of stigma and shame. If we were open about our complicated and diverse lives, we’d be able to know that the “normal, happy” pregnant person could have been doing IVF for 10 years, or somethign similar. That you could have been bonding with those around you forever.

    I am often bitter of people being or getting pregnant. Even people that I love. I hate that about myself, but it’s honest. I make sure, though, that I put that on me, not them. I work on that, or talk about that to my unaffected friends, or friends that have also had losses. Maybe I don’t go to baby showers, or baby parties, but I am still warm to my friends. I need to work on that as much as I would have to work on any other depression. But I can’t demand that everyone cater to it.

    Sure, I can ask people not to ask ME about pregnancy. To be kind in their words directed at me, or their attitudes. I can educate about the right and wrong places for these things (like pregnancy and baby announcements in work presentations, are bleh for me). BUT, I can’t control their lives and sharing. And I don’t want them to hide it from me, it hurts more to know they think I can’t share in their lives because of my sadness.

    Own your unhappiness, talk about it, get it out. But don’t blame it on those that share their happiness.

  • reallyerica

    If, what you say here is true, as it sure seems to be–what even is the point of this piece? What are you asking of people or trying to tell them? https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/6af2a4b74ced6d9f98e0b9e727a5905c2bd7637c3e11d059a60de9755d50bc77.png

  • Maybe instead of suppressing the positives, we should all be posting more of the negative, mundane parts of life too? Only if people feel up to it, like I know lots of people wouldn’t want to share the negatives of their life. Idk. I’m confused. This article made me think, and then the comments made me think more.

    Either way, my heart goes out to you Leandra xo

  • Jodie

    Beyoncé has had a miscarriage. Looks like you’ve got even more in common than not. I hate when people make the most selfish conclusions. Unprofessional.

    • Mai Kale

      Nothing unprofessional about this. She was just sharing how this specific ‘event’ made her feel. That is not selfish. But reading some of the comments, I feel uncomfortable as a BW. Most of this is misogynoir, ignoring her humanity, so easily dehumanising a pregnant woman. The same compassion you want your denying her. Like damn, your trying to steal her joy, trying to shame her for being happy about her pregnancy!!! This shit is unfair.

  • Cassandra

    I really love this post because it’s an issue I’ve been thinking about quite a bit. I’m someone who is really good (in a bad way) at comparing myself to others. Sometimes, it’s totally on me–I’m being a brat and hating on someone else for something good that they wanted to share that makes me feel somehow “lesser.” But a lot of the time with certain individuals, I feel like they post something and comment in a way that says “Validate me, and if you don’t, you’re wrong because I’m/my life is perfect.” I’ve unfollowed some…still haven’t with others, because as you said, it feels a little like burning bridges. But here’s what I’ve taken from my experience with social media, in particular, Instagram: think about what I post, how it might make others feel, and ask myself if I’m simply considering the post for validation. That’s not what Instagram is about–it’s in order to share the things in life that make you happy. Maybe it’s a very happy event in your life, maybe you just think you’ve taken a great picture, maybe it’s just a book you loved and want to document that you read it. But if I’m considering posting it with the main goal of validation through “likes,” it’s probably not something that I need to share–because my selfish desire for validation is not worth the possibility of making someone else feel worse.

  • Krys

    Envy is one of the 7 deadly sins…..

  • Alexandra

    You’re the dumbest bitch I’ve ever had the displeasure of coming into contact with. Grow up, and deflate your massive ego.

  • Sarah J.

    Accounts to delete on social media: racist, xenophobic, sexist, homophobic, elitist, hateful sacks of garbage (insert your delete trigger here).
    Accounts to keep on social media: beautiful, glowing, strong, funny, powerful humans (that obviously includes the MR team and all you dope MR readers!!!) Oh, and cute animal accounts…mustn’t un-follow those, either.

  • Nopeandno

    Honestly how dare you.

  • Sarah

    I appreciate your openness to commentary. This post really bothers me. I do not see a difference in the potential hurt caused to others by Beyoncé’s pregnancy announcement and the potential hurt caused to others by reading of your loss, about which you have every right to be open online. I am sure that your sharing has helped a lot of people, but how do you know that your story of loss has not triggered hurt in other people who have experienced these painful losses? You don’t. It is not your job to protect their feelings, nor is it Beyoncé’s job. You have every right to express your personal feelings about Beyoncé’s announcement, but when you move to discussing the larger implications, I find dangerously close (even if unintended) to shaming the joyful. All of us women have a hard enough time navigating the intense physical, emotional, and social demands of anything procreation-related. Insinuating a potential problem with how one woman handles her procreation situation perpetuates these demands on us all.

  • Sarah
  • LKNMRE

    I’m sorry but, do you get depressed any time you see a baby? Or a child? Or a pregnancy test in the aisle at CVS? Why are white women so upset by everything Beyoncé does?

    • Emily

      If you’ve ever struggled with fertility you will realize that this is not about Beyoncé, it is a dead seated primal emotion that one who is struggling gets when seeing a pregnant woman. It is absolutely awful, you feel less than woman, like something is terribly wrong with you, and bitter jealousy.

      • Joy n L.A.

        Then don’t look. Lots of women, myself included have had 1-2 miscarriages in their life time. Am I bemoaning the joy of other people’s announcements to the point of writing full on articles about them? Hell no. #itsnotaboutyou

      • LKNMRE

        Thank you for presuming to know my life and assuming that I haven’t struggled with conceiving.

  • Bbb

    If beyonce (of all people) made you feel bad about a pregnancy announcement (of all things) that is solely your problem

  • Gigi Michel

    This was certainly a reach of an article. It’s not even a matter of opinion — there are so many specious lines of thought here, I honestly don’t understand how this whole thing was approved for print? This wasn’t nearly a dissection on self-indulgence — this was a justification of a hurt that in reality has nothing to do with what’s shared on social media, let alone anyone else.

    How you feel and react to something as innocuous — and pure — as sharing the joy of pregnancy, of burgeoning life, isn’t anybody else’s problem or responsibility but yours. There’s a fine-line between conscientiousness and what you’re trying to sell here, which is self-consciousness.

  • Jenni

    hey leandra, please stop posting instagram pictures of your outfits because it’s an annoying reminder that i can’t afford gucci / prada / etc. everything. (i am being sarcastic because this line of reasoning is dangerous and self-serving).

    • Joy n L.A.

      But it’s true.

  • Edith Spencer

    1) You know what is triggering? Reading a blog and having an outfit modelled to you that is the equivalent of my mortgage payment. MORTGAGE. PAYMENT. Let’s not BS here about indulgence.
    2) And to make this for real, BEyonce is entitled to her joy, and to sharing that joy with her fans and followers. Your projection of her disregard for your personal issues is exactly that- a projection.

    • Tabby

      Then don’t follow MR if it causes you such distress. Or are you only here to complain about perceived slights?

      • ValiantlyVarnished

        You mean the same way Leandre shouldn’t follow Beyoncé if it causes her such distress??

  • Tabby

    I’m starting to think most of the people commenting didn’t even read the article. Good job on twisting Leandra’s words to make yourselves the victims though.

  • Jane Dempsey

    While I sway on the side of people–well, particularly black women–explaining the impact of what this means to them, I don’t want this to turn into a “sides” issue where people need to cape for Leandra or anything. But I’m also not here to bash her. It ain’t middle school and this ain’t guru gossip 😉 I’m teasing. I have my own opinions where I find these pictures joyous and personally see the larger implications of positive images of black motherhood. I think the women here explaining that aren’t trying to be victims or slander Leandra. The MR comment thread has been a great source of constructive criticism and hope it continues to be–convos can be messy and people can have their own experiences of race, class, pregnant/non-pregnant etc that create our worldviews. I appreciate Leandra taking the time to hear the constructive critiques of this piece and glad we’re all engaging with the different intersections an artist like Beyonce is addressing and hitting a nerve on in her statements.

  • antonia

    am I the only one who thinks like no one read what she wrote? And by read i mean, really read it, and payed attention? Put their pre made concepts and judgments aside to hear what she has to say? Even to disagree with her….

    It seems like most of the “readers” are jumping to conclusions so very fast, just to have their voices heard out here.

    Dear Leandra, not for one second you put Beyonce as the source of your insecurity, your feelings, and your opinion. And it hurts me as a human being to see people jump on you like as if you have. What your asking is a very valid and modern question.

    It got me thinking, and I really really really appreciate things, and subjects that get me thinking.

  • Amaris Lynn

    This is an incredibly selfish way to put this especially since Beyonce herself has suffered the hurt of having a miscarriage. As someone who can’t have kids I completely understand feeling sad when seeing other women pregnant…but I’ve never gone out of my way to take it out on them or suggest that they “humble” themselves because they are happy about their future children. If anyone was going to start practicing humility, I suggest you start with yourself. Keep in mind that who you follow on social media is entirely a choice. Why should anyone that you CHOSE to follow have to accommodate your feelings? That’s like walking into a strangers house uninvited and complaining about how they arrange their furniture…then demanding that they change it because you aren’t comfortable with it. I think it’d be in your best interest to continue your unfollowing spree. I wish you the best.

  • Faye

    I don’t even know if you are reading this, but I’ll give it a shot because you really touched upon a sensitive issue. It took me years to get pregnant. The fact that I am a bit older than you means also that I had to endure many more pregnancies (of friends, colleagues and celebrities) than I could graciously swallow. Looking back, I congratulate myself for having done a great job in pretending convincingly.

    After I got married I had to deal with the not so occasional remark “what are you waiting for in order to get pregnant?”. I had worked out the perfect answer, too. “The reason I am not pregnant is either I can’t or I don’t want to. Chances that I had completely forgotten about it and needed a reminder are rather slim, don’t you think?”, I would say. I am sure I have hurt some well intending people in the process but putting the rest in an almost equally awkward position as the one they put me was -in my mind- well worth it.

    Needless to say I found all this public demonstration of maternal happiness disturbing if not tactless. It was not in my hand to stop it of course. People had the right to announce their pregnancies, to hold baby showers and post tiny feet on social media. Every single one of those posts was heartbreaking though.

    I finally got pregnant through IVF last year. I am currently on maternity leave as I have two 15weeks old girls to care for. But this is not a happy ending story to encourage you. You don’t need me to do that. You are strong and smart and you will find your path. I am writing in order to say that my previous experience and pain led me to decide to keep my pregnancy private for the longest time possible. I especially hid it from friends who had no children or no companion, as I thought I was sparing them some pain. The result was that quite a few were actually hurt I didn’t feel the need to share my happy news with them and some others were shocked as they had no time to prepare for my girls coming. I still try to be sensitive to those who still don’t have children. I don’t go around “encouraging” them or sharing the bliss I am experiencing. I try to share as little as possible. Because I haven’t forgotten how it felt just a few months ago. So you are right to not feel comfortable with all these hyped announcements. And people do get hurt reading them. What you wrote speaks to the hearts of so many out there. Just like the Man Repeller approach. I wish you health and strength on your path to motherhood; the world could definitely use some tiny Repellers…

  • Concerned Mum

    I totally understand and sympathize. Very shortly after I experienced and ectopic pregnancy and resulting surgery that left me unable to become pregnant again, an acquaintance in my social circle announced her pregnancy. At a party we were both attending. And she knew what had happened to me two weeks before. She proceeded to blow out all the stops, how happy she was, the funny way she told her husband, blah blah blah. It’s not that I didn’t want her to be happy of course. But she could have done this when I was not around. It’s been many years, and I have a wonderful son through adoption and I would not change a thing otherwise he wouldn’t be in my life. Nonetheless, I still feel the sting of her insensitivity.

  • Ann P

    It’s a good question. I know I felt the same as you – bittersweet. I’m as always in awe of her gorgeousness, and genuinely happy for her as she’s had the same struggles as some of us. But at the same time sad for myself. And you. And everyone else who’s lost a baby or can’t have one.

    But in the end I chose to feel hope. If it happens for her, maybe it can for us too.

    Whether we like it or not, by being part of social media we are going to see things in our feeds that feel… bad. Or weird. Or make us feel ‘less than’. Or not normal. But that happens every day walking down the street too.

    I don’t know what the answer is, but I’m pretty sure it’s not self-censorship, especially at this time. We need to be ourselves. And unashamed to show who we are.

  • whenwillthisbullshitend

    Shes pregnant and happy. She’s announced it the way she wanted. Why don’t you just delete all your social media and live in a cave if you don’t want to see pregnant people?
    415,129 children were in foster care on September 30th, 2014, a 4% increase from 2012.
    There a millions of children who don’t have homes. Instead of shitting on peoples lives, why don’t you do something positive with your life?
    I’m sorry you feel like shit, because you can’t have kids. Well join the club. I accepted it and moved on. Do something with that negativity.

  • H

    Beyoncé celebrated in her way. The autonomy for her and joy this has bought her audience is wonderful. To address the heart of the article, there are two issues. The first is the ephemeral boundary between the public and private. Social media can be disconcerting because it perverts this: intimate moments are broadcast to the world and intimate feelings forged through voyeuristic connections to public figures, and the inevitable comparisons this entails. Readers feeling that commenters’ critical responses have not thoroughly read your message perhaps feel you are justified in treating this site as a diary (private) rather than an essay (public). I think as a media outlet, there is an onus to acknowledge the public nature of all expressions and their implications. This is a distorted and binary article. The fact that you are surrounded by a team of intelligent people who did not advise you against publishing this is an insightful indication of whether you want to cultivate an expansive, outward perspective which invites rigorous challenge, or a more personal, self-serving one. This article is not about you/ Beyoncé, black/ white, narcissism/ sensitivity. It is ironic you try to tease out these tensions at the end, when such considerations should be the foundation for all of your editorial in the first place. Commenting on your awareness of unawareness is futile. The point of life is growth and fertility in every sense. The emotional self won’t grow without empathy, the parent of perspective. Until we cultivate a feeling of true empathy with others, we are spiritual infants. Intellectually, you have approached this in a binary way ‘should we x or y’ when in fact- on all issues- there is a subtler and more enriching middle ground. Haley’s approach is to make the intellectual accessible and the frivolous joyful: this piece is an example of intellectualising the inane in a narrow and egotistic way. If this were a diary entry, it would be nothing more than tiresome narcissism but given the opportunities you have to cultivate an outward, abundant and empathetic perspective, it is an insight into your currently turbulent inner self. It is not a question of to follow/ unfollow, to post/ not post, to feel/ not feel. It is about asking ourselves how we can create an open, loving and empathetic environment in our souls so that the surge of life is bearable at its worst and uplifting at its best. It is fundamental to nurture loving and dynamic energy within and beyond ourselves in order to become in sync with the synergy of the universe and its power. I hope you are able to do this and conceive a very special child when the time is right.

  • Vie in the subway

    Leandra, i understand you. 100%. Like, i could have written this. This is how i feel about social media in general. I follow someone on instagram, me and him went to the same school, we learned and mastered how to do the same job. We ended up doing the same job for two branches of the same company, but he had different supervisors and,let’s face it, a different attitude and he ended up advancing faster than me. Then i had to leave my job because i moved out and i was insanely happy to do that, happy for the turn my life was taking, happy and thankful for everything, like serious #blessed. Eventually this guy took my job (great! i didn’t need that job anymore and he was pretty good at it, win-win) and started posting pictures of his work. Goddamn good work, the kind of work i could have done if i had stayed, if i had more time there, if i had had different supervisors… if if if… everyday i look at his posts and feel sad, and jealous, and i hate him a little bit because his followers are thousands now and “top” people in our company and field of work praise him in the comments. And i feel a huge sense of injustice because that could have been me, that SHOULD have been me. But then i remember, i am in a happy place, i like what i do now, his success is not detrimental to my, less public, success.
    Same with my best friend who is losing weight while i sometimes loathe my body, or with the other one who keeps posting about all the crazy parties she goes to while i don’t. Am i jealous? Do they make me feel “less”? YES. Would i unfollow them or tell them to stop celebrating their happiness? Absolutely no. When i know that i’m not in the mood for that kind of instagram pressure, i take a deep breath and don’t open it. Or simply remind myself of my happy things, of my happy posts.
    We need to support each other, a celebrate happiness, life and success, we all deserve it.

  • Phoebe

    Your article represents the true definition of selfishness. I notice that more and more people do not acknowledge emotions and instead justify why they feel like this. When someone is annoyed that people are spreading their happiness whether through social media, parties or public announcements, they are masking their feelings of longing, depression, and selfishness. People are sad, people are happy and people are angry. They also have the right to express themselves. To complain and whine about it, takes away from people’s right to express. Acknowledge your true feelings and don’t try to lump serious cases and trauma that people feel to get justify your feelings.

    • Karen

      I feel that this comment is unnecessarily harsh and reflects the kind of selfish attitude that you are so decrying in the writer of this article: a curious lack of empathy and a large amount of judgment for other people’s sensitivities.

      • IAmUnanimousInThat

        Talk about tolerating intolerance much Karen. I think you’re defeating the point. The point is, when someone is giving their experience whether it be joyous or traumatic, your feelings are irrelevant. It may sound harsh but that is just the truth. We cannot walk around on eggshells, being afraid to share our own stories lest it makes a random person “feel bad”. Please. Let’s be adults.

      • Frups

        I feel *your* comment, Karen, is unnecessarily harsh and a kind of selfish ‘but what about MY feelings’ attitude.

        Your comment is filled with a lack of empathy and a lack of willingness to understand other people’s sensitivities.

        Some of you folks really are acutely self-centered and think the world revolves around you.

  • Yadaa

    We can’t be happy about ANYTHING. You don’t know if she’s had issues with fertility. Hell she lost a baby before Blue. You have more nerve than a rotten tooth projecting your shit onto Beyoncé. And I’m not even a fan like that. It ain’t about you. It’s about her. She’s happy. And dammit, I’m happy for her.

  • Stephanie

    Late to the comments here but here’s my 2c.
    1. Remember that social media accounts are a curated version of people’s lives. People tend to post pregnancy announcements, but not piles of negative pregnancy tests or bruised bellies from hormone injections or tear-streaked faces after yet another loss. As you said you have no idea what she went through to get pregnant this time.
    2. Most social media posts aren’t meant to target one specific person, it can feel that way but really people are just sharing something they’re experiencing at that moment. For example, shortly after I lost a pregnancy one of my friends posted on FB (yes, I’m old) complaining about her baby was kicking so much at night that he was keeping her up. All I could think is “FU! I’ll trade chairs with you anytime!” Of course she had no idea I had recently experienced a loss or that her innocent post felt like she was rubbing her pregnancy in my non-pregnant face.
    3. There is no reason you shouldn’t temporarily unfollow people if at the moment their social media feed is triggering or painful for you to see. I had 3 friends who were pregnant and due at the same time I would have been due. I had to temporarily unfollow them because it was just too painful to watch their joy while I was still mourning my loss. You need to take care of yourself and give yourself whatever amount of time you need to heal. And remember that healing is sometimes 2 steps forward, 1 step back.
    4. I agree with the commenter who mentioned that Beyonce was just controlling the message v. letting the tabloids tell it for her. Celebrities do have it rough in that arena. They aren’t afforded the privacy the rest of us are.

  • Truth

    “Black women being happy makes me feel bad.” – a white woman anthology

  • Bleu

    I think everything that needed to be said about your sentiments was discussed. Overarching theme: do not covet another woman’s journey, relish in your own. That being said, could MR do a thrifting guide or something of the sorts? I hate looking at your editorial spreads and thinking “Fuck, I wish I could afford to be a ManRepeller.” Basically I need Rosie Assoulin/Chloe looks for the $200 or less price range, plz and thanks – A fan

  • Nellk

    This is dumb and not worth an entire article. So because of someone else’s insecurities she cant celebrate her pregnancy. That’s like saying I can’t celebrate my graduation because someone dropped out of school or I can’t celebrate getting a new job because someone else in the world is unemployed. Or a woman can’t celebrate getting engaged because someone else is single. Everything isn’t about you! Beyonce’s pregnancy announcement was about HER getting pregnant. She has the right to celebrate however she wants.

  • April M Deaver

    How does a celebrity’s pregnancy affect you at all? Whatevs dude.

  • Lucinda Kate Hurst

    It’s so important to discuss issues like this that so many people wouldn’t pick up on. You are entitled to your feelings. You are entitled to grieve. You should not have to put your feelings in a box because other people say so. Having a child is societally reinforced as ‘standard’ for women but that is by far from always the case. It’s okay to have a lot of feelings and to be confused about them or process life however the hell you cope best. Sending all the love,
    Lucinda x

  • Thalia

    Log off, go to therapy, get a life, and most importantly, get over yourself!

  • Mals

    Why should Beyoncé, who HAS had hardships with pregnancy (her miscarriage as I am sure you know that by now), and millions of women across the world not celebrate being pregnant just to protect your ego and feelings? I can’t begin to even see your side of things because it’s just too unreasonable and insensitive to understand. How did you manage to make it all about you? Where’s your sisterhood and girl power? All I see is jealousy and it’s sad.

  • Josie

    Ummm but weren’t you flaunting photos of you wedding a min ago? And getting paid huge amounts to write fluff pieces about ugly clothing isnt that throwing it in respected fashion journalists face who studied fashion & journalism for years, and went to school for it. But yet to make a fortune like you do. Don’t throw stones. 🤔

  • robin barbato

    gosh .. this commentary is something. As usual Leandra, my initial thoughts upon reading this are always about how honest and brave you are to share your heart with the online community. My second thought, unfortunately also per usual , is how judgmental and sometimes downright mean the online community can be. I didn’t for a second sense that you are saying you are in anyway unhappy for anyone who posts/announces their own happiness, but that it some how it illuminates a part or your own life that brings its you sadness/pain. Social media is such a such a large part of life these days, it is almost impossible to get way from. It is human and healthy to try and protect yourself sometimes. I am sure many, actually EVERYONE, at some point has shared this experience. I can’t imagine there is a single person who can boast they never have a thought or reaction to someone else that isn’t happy, positive, or nice, and it seems unfair that you should be held to some different standard. I am probably a bit older then your usual demographic, but nonetheless have enjoyed your perspective on fashion, life, etc. I rarely (never) post, but felt compelled too after reading through this thread. I give you such credit for being honest and human when it would probably much easier to say you feel the way everyone says you should. It is this humanity that , to me, that makes you so compelling. Also, on the topic of the clothing you share, cost etc, it is my opinion that you keeping doing what you do. It may be too pricey for many-including me- to buy- but it is so darn pretty to look at.

  • sdanorth

    We shouldn’t put the focus on considering the potential impact of a post; the focus should be who we ourselves are following. We are in control of our social media experience at both ends. I unfollowed pages that post pictures of puppies after my dog died. I didn’t expect them to edit their posts in case one of their readers was upset. Not the same thing at all, I know, but an illustration of the control you have over what you see in social media.

  • Porsha Summerville

    At first read it would be easy to discount your article as egotistical with a dash of privilege, maybe even white privilege. And I won’t waste time naming the endless white celebrities that have made their baby announcements on social media since you’ve started MR b/c this has already been mentioned. However, your timing should be noted, especially since Beyonce is arguably the biggest Celebrity/Entertainer of our time, who happens to be a black woman. And as a black woman it would be easy to dig deep into the race and gender dynamics of this post and shred it to pieces…..however, there is a bigger issue at hand!

    If I were face to face with you, I would hold up a mirror and ask you,

    “DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?”

    Leandra, you have built a powerful empire, that has grown massively over the years to include millions of readers & followers and then flipped that into lucrative collaborations & partnerships. You’ve drawn interest not just from your audience but also the press who finds you to personally be a subject of interest.

    It would be ridiculous to conclude that your success and opportunities are a “trigger” for others. And you should keep your partnerships, opportunities, fancy dinners, clothes and European Excursions to yourself.

    To use such a massive platform and serve up a “WOOOO It’s Me” post is irresponsible and self serving. Especially considering the current environment in this country.

    Why not find a way to EMPOWER Women, as this seems to have been the very nature of MR?

    Instead of Unfollowing, why not FOLLOW for inspiration and take on the attitude; “IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I!”

    It is far too easy for us ALL to look at social media, and even you Leandra, and envy all of your travel, privilege, Chanel Shows, European Excursions, business opporrtunities etc. and say “Woooo It’s Me.”

    So to answer your question, Should we be thinking harder about what we post? NO!

    We need to think harder about celebrating ourselves, celebrating each other, (especially as women), and STOP turning left and right to compare and attempt to keep up with what everyone else is doing!

    RUN YOUR OWN RACE!

    And at the very least be grateful for what you do have.

    Because there are plenty of folk wishing for the privilege, opportunities and fancy threads that you so easily take for granted!

  • Porsha Summerville

    At first read it would be easy to discount your article as egotistical with a dash of privilege, maybe even white privilege. And I won’t waste time naming the endless white celebrities that have made their baby announcements on social media since you’ve started MR b/c this has already been mentioned. However, your timing should be noted, especially since Beyonce is arguably the biggest Celebrity/Entertainer of our time, who happens to be a black woman. And as a black woman it would be easy to dig deep into the race and gender dynamics of this post and shred it to pieces…..however, there is a bigger issue at hand!

    If I were face to face with you, I would hold up a mirror and ask you,

    “DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?”

    Leandra, you have built a powerful empire, that has grown massively over the years to include millions of readers & followers and then flipped that into lucrative collaborations & partnerships. You’ve drawn interest not just from your audience but also the press who finds you to personally be a subject of interest.

    It would be ridiculous to conclude that your success and opportunities are a “trigger” for others. And you should keep your partnerships, opportunities, fancy dinners, clothes and European Excursions to yourself.

    To use such a massive platform and serve up a “WOOOO It’s Me” post is irresponsible and self serving. Especially considering the current environment in this country.

    Why not find a way to EMPOWER Women, as this seems to have been the very nature of MR?

    Instead of Unfollowing, why not FOLLOW for inspiration and take on the attitude; “IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I!”

    It is far too easy for us ALL to look at social media, and even you Leandra, and envy all of your travel, privilege, Chanel Shows, European Excursions, business opporrtunities etc. and say “Woooo It’s Me.”

    So to answer your question, Should we be thinking harder about what we post? NO!

    We need to think harder about celebrating ourselves, celebrating each other, (especially as women), and STOP turning left and right to compare and attempt to keep up with what everyone else is doing!

    RUN YOUR OWN RACE!

    And at the very least be grateful for what you do have.

    Because there are plenty of folk wishing for the privilege, opportunities and fancy threads that you so easily take for granted!

  • Porsha Summerville

    At first read it would be easy to discount your article as egotistical with a dash of privilege, maybe even white privilege. And I won’t waste time naming the endless white celebrities that have made their baby announcements on social media since you’ve started MR b/c this has already been mentioned. However, your timing should be noted, especially since Beyonce is arguably the biggest Celebrity/Entertainer of our time, who happens to be a black woman. And as a black woman it would be easy to dig deep into the race and gender dynamics of this post and shred it to pieces…..however, there is a bigger issue at hand!

    If I were face to face with you, I would hold up a mirror and ask you,

    “DO YOU SEE YOURSELF?”

    Leandra, you have built a powerful empire, that has grown massively over the years to include millions of readers & followers and then flipped that into lucrative collaborations & partnerships. You’ve drawn interest not just from your audience but also the press who finds you to personally be a subject of interest.

    It would be ridiculous to conclude that your success and opportunities are a “trigger” for others. And you should keep your partnerships, opportunities, fancy dinners, clothes and European Excursions to yourself.

    To use such a massive platform and serve up a “WOOOO It’s Me” post is irresponsible and self serving. Especially considering the current environment in this country.

    Why not find a way to EMPOWER Women, as this seems to have been the very nature of MR?

    Instead of Unfollowing, why not FOLLOW for inspiration and take on the attitude; “IF SHE CAN DO IT, SO CAN I!”

    It is far too easy for us ALL to look at social media, and even you Leandra, and envy all of your travel, privilege, Chanel Shows, European Excursions, business opporrtunities etc. and say “Woooo It’s Me.”

    So to answer your question, Should we be thinking harder about what we post? NO!

    We need to think harder about celebrating ourselves, celebrating each other, (especially as women), and STOP turning left and right to compare and attempt to keep up with what everyone else is doing!

    RUN YOUR OWN RACE!

    And at the very least be grateful for what you do have.

    Because there are plenty of folk wishing for the privilege, opportunities and fancy threads that you so easily take for granted!

  • dahn

    Inferiority complex much? This looks like a blog written by a depressed woman who is unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant and just rambles about her personal issue’s whereas it shouldn’t even be taken that serious! Beyonce’s pregnancy “saving all of us” is literally a joke made about all the chaos in the society today. A sense of humor, please? It has nothing to do with one’s personal insecurities or the contribute to the depression of another person.

  • Dmommy

    Are you serious? So, people should stop sharing on social media to avoid, “hurting,” others. No, people who are overly sensitive should stay off social media. If people saying, “Happy Mother’s Day,” makes you sad, then perhaps you should take a hiatus from social media on Mother’s Day. Pregnancy announcements are hardly, “bragging,” You have no idea what a person’s journey to motherhood may have entailed. Social media helps us stay connected on a way that other forms of socializing have not.

  • You “don’t want to promote the notion that you should feel uncomfortable sharing your joy”? Excuse me? That is precisely what you’re saying. And no it doesn’t sound dramatic. It sounds racist, entitled and privileged. So, if black women can’t joyfully announce their beautiful, amazing pregnancies online, I’m sure if you ever become pregnant, no one will ever know. Right?

  • Katie Quinlisk

    This is a feeling I’ve had for quite some time, and you’ve articulated it so well. Social media needs that ‘not pictured’ yearbook photo category: “Got my dream job! So thrilled to have this opportunity! (Not pictured: 30 other jobs I didn’t get)” or “Can’t wait to meet you little one! (Not pictured: IVF bills, two miscarriages, and legitimately considering kidnapping as an option).” The trouble is that we only make the announcements we want people to hear.

  • mlc

    agree with most of these comments. i think sharing your reaction and feelings triggered by a social media post is healthy, honest and what people come to expect from you. however, turning your feelings into some kind of larger commentary on others is where you went wrong. the humility/self reflection you mentioned in the article is exactly the one you lacked by not realising that that it was your problem and not the poster’s. also, did it not become obvious that the same analysis could be used on all the expensive fashion and privileged lifestyle propagated here? just saying…

  • Aleah

    I feel dumber having read this. We as women complain about the patriarchy, then whine at other women not to look too happy on social media because we’re too jealous. Hide your pregnancies women, don’t get too proud about it, you may offend other women!! No wonder we as a gender are so restricted. We can’t even be comfortable with a simple expression of success and happiness because of our own petty feelings.

  • Hope Coleman

    You mad? I’m so fuckin sick of white women like you and the fragility of your ego. How dare you project your own insecurities abt not being pregnant onto beyonce and ANY black woman for that matter? This is a woman whos admitted to suffering a miscarriage in the past and you have no right to shame her for the way she chose to announce her pregnancy. How abt you let her celebrate this moment w out projecting your covertly racist insecurities. Yall make me sick.

  • Katie

    Sorry for your loss. I’ve never had a miscarriage and I don’t want to get pregnant but I’m sure if it happened to me I’d be struggling similarly.

  • Carmen Harris
  • blessedpandagb

    ok… i’m not saying your loss isn’t real. or that i don’t know what loss feels like, how horrible it is.

    but you must not go around telling other people to pull in their joy because you’re in grief. does it seem unfair? yes. it is. nevertheless, you could have written piece saying that you just can’t take it when you see other people’s happy pictures and that you hope someday to not feel this way, that would have been understandable. but it is not on others to humble up because you can’t take their happiness, their celebration. they get to celebrate. just as you will when something joyous happens to you. i bet you would feel 100% entitled to your celebration when it happens, and you are, just as they are.

    second – there was great symbolism and beauty in those photos. it wasn’t just some lavish display, it was all very carefully thought out along the theme of oshun (http://www.okayafrica.com/in-brief/beyonce-channeled-yoruba-goddess-oshun-maternity-photoshoot/). which you missed entirely. because…. you didn’t bother to find out?

    sorry to kick you when you’re down, but you need to get rid of that entitlement. and that lack of awareness of what women of color have endured with respect to reproduction. please educate yourself. and please don’t go around embarrassing white people like this anymore.

    and i hope you get all the joy and the babies you want.

  • LM

    This article really hit home for me. My sister and brother in law just recently endured a miscarriage at 23 weeks. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I can’t imagine the pain of having to give birth to a child that is stillborn, and our family was extremely saddened when we heard. What had been an exciting pregnancy, the beginning of a new life, all of a sudden has turned into a tragedy. Five months later I found out I was pregnant with my third child. When I went for my first sonogram I cried when the dr found the baby’s heartbeat. My husband and I, having witnessed the suffering of our family, vowed not to take this pregnancy for granted. We also were not sure how to broach the subject with the couple who had just recently suffered a loss. Do we tell them, when do we tell them, how do we tell them? On the opposite spectrum of what you are feeling, Leandra, we felt guilty for announcing the pregnancy and for being pregnant! How could we go and parade our so far healthy pregnancy to a couple who was still suffering so much? It felt unfair, we felt that it was too painful, we thought of how we would feel if we were in their shoes. My husband and I have gone through our fair share of hardships in our ten year marriage, more, it seemed, than our friends and family, due to mental health issues. Every positive announcement from family members seemed to stab us even though we knew that it was ridiculous to feel that way. Hearing “We bought a house!,” from my sister in law, when we were barely getting by, caused us to feel like failures. But like you we recognized that this had more to do with our own issues than with the announcement itself. As a team, my husband and I pushed through and forced ourselves to let go of that feeling of insecurity and truly be happy for the people around us. But we also learned that you have to be sensitive always because you never know what people around you are coping with. I think that in general the world needs to be a kinder place and realize that the things we take for granted might be a cause of suffering for someone else. It’s hard not to shout it from the rooftops when great things are happening to you, but is it really necessary to do? Announcing it on Facebook, twitter, Snapchat, instagram- what’s the benefit? If you’re already celebrating great news, why can’t it be shared with just family and friends? In a group chat perhaps, or even *gasp* by calling your loved ones and letting them now? The more personal the announcement, the less likely it is to hurt someone. In the end, my husband and I felt it would be worse to delay telling our brother and sister in law when we had already told everyone else. We called them personally, told them our news calmly, and they were extremely gracious when they heard. We hung up, looked at each other, and felt gratitude for the blessing we received for that one day. It’s so much easier to go through these challenges when you have your partner to help you deal with it, on both ends of the spectrum. Praying for you Leandra, thanks for this article, it was much needed especially this day and age…

  • vernakitson

    That you actually wrote *and* posted this blog entry is a telltale sign of the poor state of your mental health. Get a new therapist – the current one isn’t working out.

  • Robyn Corbett

    1) This post is pure jealousy and projection. Learn to be happy for other people who are experiencing and sharing their joy, even if you have experienced pain.
    I have also had a miscarriage and when I see a pregnant person I don’t compare myself and project my feeling onto them.
    2) You need to learn how to be an ally to black women.

  • Cami

    Gimme a break. Sorry you are having problems getting pregnant, but people have lives and they are entitled to share it however they choose. It has nothing to do with being “humble” or boasting. It is about being so happy and excited you want to share the news with people. A pregnancy is a milestone for a couple, something they are excited about and want to share with everyone. I for one would not tone down announcing my pregnancy just because it might hurt someone who is having fertility issues. Just like I would not tone down announcing a new job or promotion simply because it might hurt someone who is unemployed. It is not people’s responsibility to pander to anyone’s insecurities or hurt feelings. And suggesting that people announcing their pregnancies ought to keep other (random) people’s feelings in mind is absurd. Rather than accusing people of lacking humility, you should examine your own level of maturity. Because it takes a mature person to be happy for someone else even though they might be envious. Myself for example, I’m not married. All my close friends are. I admit that I am envious but at the same time I am HAPPY for my friends and their marriages. I am not bitter about it and their wedding and anniversary photos posted on facebook do not make me accuse them of lacking humility. I share in their joy and love to see and comment on their photos.
    So if a baby is what you want, I sincerely hope it happens for you. In fact I guarantee that after enduring whatever problems you’re having, when you do get pregnant, you will be so happy you’d want to share the news far and wide too. And that will be 100% OK.

  • ellid

    Jealousy isn’t pretty.

  • Laura

    Whilst I enjoy your work and respect you as a human, and empathize with your challenges regarding pregnancy (I was never able to carry a pregnancy to term, and although disappointing (to say the least) I continue to have a loving relationship and a fulfilling life), this criticism of Beyonce’s post made me roll my eyes. we need to learn to be happy (and sad, and angry, and crucial…) of others WITHOUT a personalized context.

  • samara

    This post is unnecessary and unreasonable critism of a very beautifully rendered, artistic announcement of joy.

  • Sonya Wright

    Leave it to a woman, to feel defeated by another woman’s joy. How self absorbed does one have to be to turn another person’s joy into their pain. You are truly a horrible person.

    The sad part is you completely missed the fact she also had a miscarriage when you were making her joy, your pain.

  • CM

    Sounds like a diary entry that shouldn’t have made it to the public.

  • mahogany_hues
  • Gwyn

    sooo when are you gonna apologize for this?

  • Kait

    What a self-deprecating piece…. In everything you write you glorify yourself and you seriously had the audacity to write this piece?
    Have you ever considered the fact that the majority of your readers, people who bought your book ($30 hardcover if not more in Canada with the tax), ME, cannot afford the majority of the clothing you post/promote? I’m not talking a skirt, I mean I can’t purchase a headband you would buy on a whim like picking up milk from the corner store. But I don’t hold that against you. I like your style, I enjoy seeing the pieces you style together.
    And yet you sat at your desk and you wrote about how Beyoncé’s form of announcing her pregnant upset you… “Triggered” you. I am laughing while I also have to say How Dare You.

    Everything I want to say to you has been posted below and I couldn’t say it better. I do have to say to you that I am a mixed race woman, half black, and your plea for people to be careful what they post for fear of “triggering” others made me so mad and disappointed in you.
    Do you know how hard it is as a black woman, as a member do the LGBTQ community, as basically anything other than WHITE, it is to watch the news? To read a newspaper? To open a tab on the Internet?! You want to complain about triggers?? Guess what women get pregnant every day, all day and it’s not going to stop. Numerous other celebrities have announced their pregnancies and done spreads like this but instead in highly publicized magazine spreads where they are getting paid. And kudos to them! Just like I am saying congratulations to Beyoncé and kudos to her for a beautiful shoot full of cool symbolism and on her own terms on her OWN Instagram–which you should probably just unfollow.
    According to you she should be careful when posting about the most natural thing on earth that a female can do. For fear of triggering poor poor Leandra. Maybe you should stop posting about your wealth all the time– it is tacky sometimes– because it triggers some of us…
    Maybe cops should stop shooting black kids because that triggers me. This article triggered me.
    Or maybe you should just gross up and stop being such a narcissistic self-pitying little girl.

    **Trigger Warning

  • Your feelings are valid but so are any woman’s feeling who choose to use social media to announce her joy.
    I come across this article and I think you need to read it to reflect on what your piece have done to malign Bey and wrong her even though I am certain you weren’t meaning to be malicious about her at all.
    http://www.danielledash.com/a-quick-read/2017/2/5/6t8v0qn6o4k6tjixpvsqh6si7rtqu4

  • Some lady on the internet

    What the hell does Beyonce’s pregnancy have to do with your insecurity? Why is Black pregnancy and joy more of a trigger for you that Black suffering an death?

  • just a thought
  • S

    My beautiful nephew passed away after less than a week on this earth, for completely unexpected reasons. After that, seeing children insouciantly running around, parents understandably grounding them, family sharing newborn or baby pictures across social media was truly torturous. I am not my sister and thus cannot even claim to understand what she had to go through but I can assure you that I relate to the sentiment of anger and injustice that creeps and persists as one is confronted with the most mundane displays of joy after having almost tasted it only to be incomprehensibly robbed of this expectancy. It is obvious that the sentiment is rooted in complacency and self-indulgence but it is nonetheless impossible to completely obliterate this “normal bitterness”. It is painful, irrational and in a world of over-sharing, it is also inexorable.

    When he was born I posted an instagram “welcome to the world” picture, which I have since deleted, it was an agonizing reminder of what could have been. Then, later that day I noticed that one of my sister’s friends had posted a photo of her beautiful daughter. I remember angrily scrolling down, only to hear my sister tell me that she found it normal, that she would have done the same, that her pride was completely understandable. It was one of the bravest things I think anyone could have ever said at that moment. For my part, I cannot claim to have even a close comparison for the grief she must have felt and yet I remained angry at the baby photos I had been culpable of sharing only a week before. I dwelled, albeit hypocritically, in resentment. What I am trying to say is that logic and distress are often, unfortunately mutually exclusive and for me at least, only time could restore genuine appreciation for the cute pics on my feed. Obviously, we must not restrain from sharing our joys on social media, but if possible perhaps not take them for granted?

    X

    “To see a World in a Grain of Sand
    And a Heaven in a Wild Flower”
    William Blake

  • Toby Fife

    You are selfish beyond belief and should be ashamed to admit what an asshole you are in public.

  • After reading to the end, I can see that black feminist twitter reacted before reading. This post was listed with other ‘negative’ reactions to Beyonce’s news, all pieces written by white women. Summed up, their argument was framed as white women yet again ignoring intersectionality/ imposing standards, a conclusion probably incorrectly drawn from the head and subhead of the piece.

    This is not that. It’s personal without being subjective, and as is the MR MO, leaves it all open for a conversation to be had. Not that anything’s perfect – you did leave out that Beyonce’s family history includes a miscarriage and her own struggles with pregnancy, something that should definitely be included as it provides a fuller story in the lead up to the announcement. Anyway, I wish they had read to the end and stuck around to chat, because I don’t think this piece deserved to be clumped in with the others on that list as problematic. Then again, you could call me biased because MR 4 LYF.

  • Ellery

    I think you need to read this piece. Whilst I sympathise with your sadness, it is completely unfair of you to push this all onto Beyonce. Applying your argument to the way we report on events would mean cutting news reporting off at its knees to avoid triggering anyone or everyone.

    https://medium.com/@Femmefeministe/white-women-this-is-why-your-critiques-of-beyonc%C3%A9-are-racist-a431e7e1f672#.u17oyqyt9

  • I read that the people on the island of Icaria are happier because they don’t really have privacy, and thus no shame. So I’m not sure social media or the idea of “oversharing” is the problem, except the fact that it’s 24/7–that can’t be good for anyone.

  • Jennifer

    Wonderful response! So much love to you.

  • Laura D.

    My daughter has an eating disorder. It makes me very uncomfortable when people (especially thin people) obsess about weight. My son has a peanut allergy, and I dislike when others don’t take it seriously and unintentionally put him in harm’s way. I wish that everyone could be sensitive to my personal struggles, and I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY to back up and realize that it’s impossible, mostly because we all have our own joys, sorrows, and burdens. I have to talk myself into tolerating, if not understanding, that the world isn’t just mine. The benefit of this is that I have been forced to teach my children that the world isn’t thinking of protecting them. They are responsible for their own physical and psychological well being, and even I cannot assure those things. I view social media from the same vantage point. I am responsible for what I see, and I can stop seeing it if it doesn’t make me happy. Feeling sad, envious, or any other emotion when you have someone else’s pregnancy in your face does not make you anything other than human. Speaking about it makes you an honest human. Of course you wish others well but DAMN IT, you are frustrated, angry, hopeful, despaired, and a lot of other things at the same time. Don’t stifle yourself! Your openness is one of the things that make you you!

  • Raquel Fernandes Felino

    I understand your position and that it felt right to write that you were sorry after all these comments. But i think that the question that you popped is valid. Your speech was naturally ironic as others published here. And you just told what you felt. Do we have the obligation of being politically correct all the time?

  • Lisa

    I have been wanting to write you for a long time but I thought maybe you have been inundated with advice. And who am I, just another reader. But I see myself in you. I lived through infertility almost 20 years ago. Barely. Had two tubal pregnancies, one that almost killed me. Had a zillion prodecures, none that worked. I stood outside baby showers of my friends, gutted. I saw pregnancy everywhere but I could never achieve it. My sister got pregnant if her husband just looked at her. It wasn’t fair, right? What was wrong with me?
    As painful as it might be, it isn’t your God given right. And it doesn’t mean you are less of an anything. When I finally realized that this wasn’t in my control, and that I didn’t really care if I had a child that inherited my fine hair or bad eyesight, well, the point was that I wanted to be a MOTHER. And I was meant to be one. Somehow you have to let go of the achievement aspect of it and look at it as “who am I suppose to be?” and how do I want to get there?
    My husband and I adopted two South Korean born children over the course of 3 years and I can tell you that standing in an office or an airport to meet you child is the most beautiful and powerful thing one could ever experience. It was the way I was meant to be a mother.
    I am not saying “adopt!” because it is not for everyone. But it wasn’t a consolation prize either. It became our first choice, our path. Very important. I did get pregnant right before our second child, our son Oliver came home from Korea, a fluke, a twist of fate. The baby died inside me before we could take in the news fully, but I still knew that wasn’t my path. I was a mother already. I had a different path.
    Leandra, I wish you all the best, I wish you peace in your heart. You will get there and when you do, you won’t look back, you will look forward.
    Take care.

  • kjrobot

    Re the update: Don’t be too hard on yourself. You are so blessed so it’s hard for people to hear about your hurt when they themselves might be worse off in a whole range of ways. But there is a story here, maybe you just had too little time to actually hash it out, or maybe your hurt or whatever it was didn’t let you see what it really is. Maybe you just didn’t have time to “kill your darlings” as it were. Because I think your points about social media, reality, humbleness, information, personal vs public, and the skewing of our perception and the effects it has on us are totally valid and deserve further exploration.

    I mean, I’ll put my hand up to write about it. <— see we are all a bit selfish. I hope you forgive me for it too.

  • Aksusha Alekseeva

    Dear Leandra,
    I read your post some days ago but I could not find right words to express my compassion. Today I found your update, and it made me even more upset than the post itself. It looks like the public opinion pressured you, and now you feel guilty about your sincere thoughts and feelings. Why should you deceive yourself or anybody that media announcement did not hurt you? Emotions are often mixed. One part of the self is happy with the someone’s pregnancy, but another is envy or disappointed or sad.
    Many commentator tried to teach you morality. Doing this they missed the fact how arrogant it sounds.
    Public wedding/pregnancy/success announcements can really hurt someone. It’s a well-studied phenomena (known as “Facebook anxiety”) that high amounts social media use has a link with depression. You simply described your personal experience. Like any other feelings yours are not bad and shouldn’t be stigmatized.
    Well, I’m ready to cry. I’m not sure that I can explain my thought. It’s really painful to learn about someone’s success in a domain where you put all your efforts, all your wishes, all your dreams but haven’t reached a goal yet.
    Dear dear Leandra, you have a sea of negative emotions due to your loss. And you didn’t deserve even a drop more for the story of your reaction to Beyoncé’s pregnancy you shared with others.

  • Elise

    Dear Leandra, great update! Everyone makes mistakes, it’s okay.It’s not easy to feel happy for other peope while it can remind us of what we don’t have (yet). Chin up, allez, allez!

  • KC

    This piece reminds me of your monocycle episode where you just barely found out you weren’t pregnant…again. Reading it is a little uncomfortable because you are clearly upset. You clearly aren’t “just asking”. And your pain isn’t the noble kind of sadness where you graciously reach out to others in compassion. It’s real, the kind of pain that makes you feel a little bitchy and irritable. We all relate to that pain, but it’s harder to admit. Because we don’t look good in that light. But it’s very real for you for all of us, and it’s ok for you to share that (even if that wasn’t the intention of this piece). Maybe in a way it’s like sharing the pic of tummy rolls or cellulite. It’s like “hey, I know we all have this but we don’t really talk about it.”

  • Teresa

    I am more disturbed by the negativity and hate spewing in the comment section than I am by this article. She is a person, too.

  • Svenja

    Can I just say that the comment section on man repeller is one of the most constructive, respectful and inspiring ones I’ve seen so far?
    Leandra, the fact that you are so very open with your personal feelings and share so much may have made you vulnerable to criticism in the case of this particular article, but it also created this community of thoughtful people who share their objections in a civilized manner and that’s no a bad thing at all.
    So don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t get too careful to share with us in the future, because overall you are doing something very valuable and have created something very special here.

  • EmilyWilson

    Leandra, reading this article, the comments, and your update on Facebook (amazingly brave!),made me think two things: 1) you missed the context into which you were speaking, and 2) a lot of people missed the point of the article. It bothers me that you must take responsibility for the tone-deafness while your cruelest critics (not the thoughtful ones, but the really, really mean ones) don’t have to take responsibility for their misreading and unfair judgment…but I suppose that is public life. I’ve been infertile for 13 years, and I understood you.

  • C. Killion

    You are genuinely asking, I am sincerely answering. It is ok for you to be wishful about pregnancy, it is ok for you to rejoice in other’s happiness and success….because friends share and rejoice.

  • Joanna Maziarz

    Hey beautiful Leandra,
    It’s funny how after reading week after week your posts… one almost sees you as a friend so to speak not in a virtual way.
    So after reading this mulling it over in my head… as any good friend would do. I thought many people feel the same way about your career/success but then again… I feel it’s probably the same as someone saying well … hey you… yes you… things aren’t that bad you’ve got a roof over your head don’ t you? (that doesn’t help)

    But, sometimes life isn’t as easy as that is it… so I decided not to comment, because lover of children myself… I’ve never experienced (yet) what your going through. I know though I would be balling my eyes out everyday if I did.

    So this weekend I was watching the Human experiment documentary. (I know so fun filled on Netflix)
    and as any good friend would do I thought Hey, Leandra might like this!
    https://www.netflix.com/title/80037689
    your welcome!
    It’s not much but, I think if it was me I would want someone to say gently maybe it’s not you… relax… it sucks.. but your not alone. (and perhaps this is not your issue but, it can’t hurt) Lots of love/light and peace! As my good ole Polish mama would say, “Keep on Keeping on”

  • Kelsey Loraine

    Aside from the pregnancy factor as a whole, I do want to address your ‘do or don’t post’ question. Nearly a year ago I graduated from college and it was one of the more trying times in my social media sphere. Many of my friends were accepting full-time positions to begin right after they crossed the stage and I was coming up dry. My heart ached when I’d read their Facebook statuses “letting everyone know!!” that they’d received a great job in a wonderful location etc etc etc.

    When I did get that full-time offer – a silly week after graduation day – I resisted the urge to post to any social media. I knew the sting of reading about someone else’s fortune and I didn’t want to spread those emotions to anyone else.

    While it’s so important to celebrate others, there needs to be a pause before posting, to really consider how it may affect your smaller audience of followers. How exciting for Beyonce, but how exciting for you, Leandra. In due time you’ll hold your child, knowing full well how hard it was to get to where you are.

  • ValiantlyVarnished

    Wow. Well this piece was incredibly disappointing Leandra. Not only is it dripping in self-absorption and navel-gazing but it also dripping in white feminism. Yes let’s pick on the black celebrity who announces her pregnancy – and forget about the gazillion celebrity pregnancy announcements that happen all the time. To tell another woman to dim her happiness and her shine to make YOU feel better about your own circumstances and life? Really?? By that twisted logic never walk down the street, never go to a store never leave your house because you may encounter a pregnant woman. The inability to be happy for someone else is a character issue – plain and simple. It’s YOUR problem. Not theirs. You have no clue what they have gone through (Beyonce herself has suffered a miscarriage). This idea that somehow your pain eclipses everything else is unbelievable narcissistic. And I find it interesting that you who runs a luxury site where you flaunt items that most people (including myself) can’t afford don’t see THAT as an issue. You paint an unrealistic view of “lifestyle” all the time on this site. I ignore it because I don’t come here for that generally. But since you decided to devote an entire piece about someone “flaunting” their happiness on social media please take the time to look at your own site and why you feel the need to flaunt “luxury” on social media.

  • Kokonuts

    Hi Leandra, I know how it feels to want a baby so badly that you almost forget to be happy for others that are pregnant. It’s almost as if your self absorption to have a baby takes away your ability to be happy for those that are pregnant. It’s difficult because we can control so many things in our life. We want a partner- we go to online dating/get set up by friends/go to bars and socialize. We need more money to pay the rent- well, we can search for a second job, we can skim on that extra cup of coffee, we can chose a cheaper lunch option. But having a baby can often be beyond our control.

    I was once in your position and I said something horrible to my mother once. I told her that if my friend got pregnant again I would be completely miserable. I just could not see another pregnant female especially someone who already had a baby. I couldn’t even have one. But something happened – my mother gave me the best advice ever (aren’t mothers the best!). She said “Don’t ever be sad for other peoples happiness”. That was 6 years ago, and it change my perception of life and the life of others. Instead of being sad for myself, I celebrate with others despite what I don’t have. It’s more difficult than it seems, but TRUST ME, I have been exactly where you are- and still am!!

  • Puneet Dhaliwal

    Leandra I was so inspired by the update you added to this post. I read the post the first time around and wanted to comment “well I get envious of your great designer clothes each time I surf through H&M and settle for fast-fashion knock offs.” Then I stopped myself because I thought:
    A) (the selfish version): hey everyone has problems, even the very accomplished Man Repeller
    B) (the version where my love for everything you do takes the form of empathy): hey I’ve felt this about other things, so she has her right to be upset

    I read the article and moved on to the new ones at Man Repeller, because at 22, date outfit ideas overshadow pregnancy announcements (even Beyonce’s) but I can only try to imagine the self-reflection and ego-check it took to take often abrasive online criticism. I think everyone in this comment thread will agree, that despite 1000s of fashion blogs and media outlets, this is why we read Man Repeller.

  • michela benigno

    i feel like you have every right to feel the way you do…
    You are clearly not an evil nasty person, who wishes ill on Beyonce.
    You are just a normal human being who is brave enough to admit that something, that was posted with joy and happiness, brought you absolute heartache, and I find that to be really honest and admirable.

    My biggest dream/wish in life is to get married and have a family, sadly I am a long way behind, as I am 34 (turning 35 next week) and still single.

    Leandra, I have lay in bed watching people post their engagement announcements and literally cry myself to sleep, feeling completely sorry for myself and I know what it feels like to feel completely helpless.

    I know my situation is completely different to yours, and I am in no way comparing, as I can only imagine how much more heartache can come with having to have a baby compared to getting something as silly as a boyfriend.

    But my point is this… I often, after seeing these posts LIKE the photo and comment shortly after ‘I am so happy for you’, when deep down Im so completely conflicted and hurt.

    And the truth is, I am tired of feeling like a bad person for how I feel. Its ok to feel disappointed, cheated or slightly envious (although i dont know if this is the correct word to use) It doesn’t make me/you a bad person, we know who we are,and what we are, and that deep down we are happy for these people and wish them all the love and light in the world.

    I have always believed that if we truly want something with all our heart, we will receive it, and although its ok to have bad days… remeber, that this too shall pass.

    Keep looking towards the light,Leandra…
    I look forward to reading your mom posts someday 😉

  • No shade girl, but like no one needs to stop posting their pregnancy photos and celebrating their own happiness just because you suffered a loss. You’re projecting your issues onto other people. And I too have had a miscarriage AND SO HAS BEYONCE. I go talk to someone, not take it out on other mothers. If you’re still processing these feelings than stay off the internet or filter your feeds. Seems really entitled and obnoxious to imply no one else can be happy and celebrate life because you’re currently not.

  • Beth
  • Alyssa Devlin

    Wow, this is a tricky one. Likely echoing some earlier sentiments, but personally, I infrequently post big life announcements on social media. Single and childless, maybe that’s why – there hasn’t been anything big enough to post – but I also think there’s a place for those things to be private. I was a little taken aback by Beyonce’s pregnancy post, in part because even though I’ve never tried to conceive I have always (always) had this lingering feeling in my gut that I won’t be able to when I try. So, with literally nothing to go on, I relate more to the stories of those who can’t conceive than those who are pregnant. But also, I think I’m likely not going to be a big gusher – certainly not a “month 5, month 6” pregnancy picture post-er… So maybe it makes sense to look inward — when and if you become pregnant, will you want to post about it a lot? I suspect that as MR leading lady, you will. You will want to do fashion shoots highlighting the baby bump, and write posts about baby-related things… and if that’s that case, then yeah – you shouldn’t be quite so quick to jump to being upset at those who post big life updates – you can’t be a fairweather follower, that’s hypocritical. It’s okay to feel hurt, but less okay for that hurt to entitle itself over others. You get all of that though, this piece reflects that understanding. So I guess I have nothing to offer but – you’re always a rockstar at self reflection – making mistakes is human — owning them and reflecting on how to improve yourself makes you a human worth looking up to.

  • Ashley Steenson

    Leandra,

    Your apology was largely unnecessary in this case. As a student of philosophy, many of the replies to this story were obviously tempered with bias. Does she really have the gall to criticize Beyoncé? Also, philosopher and race theorist Dr. Cornel West was taken to task for his criticism of President Obama, to which he answered that nothing blatantly wrong should be tolerated, and that it should be criticized, no matter how much good the person may do.

    I lost my Dad at 16, and I have to stay off of social media for about a week each June while my friends post lovely collages of their childhoods, e.g. Popsicles, aesthetically pleasing shrubbery, and Dads who dress like Bernie Sanders. Does that mean that I hate my friends and their sweet families, many of whom I know personally? NO! It means that their posts acted as a catylyst to make me think the difficult thoughts. So, to everyone who has accused you of hatred and immaturity, especially to the person who claimed your argument is akin to eschewing engagement rings from those we love or hiding all pregnant bellies on the street, might have some difficult thoughts to work out on their own time.

    As a perpetual social media avoider/granddaughter of an incredibly strong woman who has suffered not one but THREE miscarriages, I advise the comment community below me. I once felt safe here, in the midst of differing but valid opinions. Yet, it all seems to go to shit once someone has the courage to criticize Beyoncé.

    Leandra, do not take any of this to heart. Keep trying. Xx

  • Vida Rose

    Tiffany Rey’s advice is the best friend advice.

  • Holly

    I actually have been upset because I lost twins due in June. They were my last embryos with no way to create any more. This morning I awoke to the Clooney twins, also due in June. Now it is unreasonable that it hurt me, so badly. I know this. I still have had a tough day today. I’m fairly sure people think I am bananas. I just will always look at these celeb twins and think that mine would have been that old. Exactly. I’ll never have a daughter. But they have a right to share their amazing news. It stings going through infertily and secondary infertility. It sucks.

  • Gia Giampãolo-Garcia

    Y’all are way too offended and SJW these days. Like with the Gigi Hadid Vogue cover thing (which is anatomically correct) and the Gigi Hadid Asian thing (Palestine is in Asia, people). Now this. People should have high enough self esteem to handle themselves. But everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Just don’t take the opinion for fact.

  • Lou

    Your narcissism is shocking.

  • Alexandria

    I feel as a social media person myself,

    Its hard to me to even sometimes look at what other people have. I often would look at your instagram , or even videos and think ..I wish i could be like the Man Repellar. She has all kinds of money, her family has hermes and chanel. She was gifted these things. She attends shows- everything id want to do. But no im stuck here in Iowa, slowly and small creeping my way through life, plus size wishing i were thin.

    We all use social media in some way to show our lives. it comes to a point where social media becomes envy for some of us, and i can understand your point – but when you are beyonce such a public figure theres not another way that she could of really put that.

  • Alessandra

    Nobody owes it to anyone else to censor/avoid certain topics just because, somewhere out there, someone will take offense to it. It’s called the power of perception and we’re all entitled to it.

    Many of your readers come to MR to read specific types of pieces (culture, humor, fashion, politics, personal pieces). We all have our favorites. But we still wade through the ones we don’t want to read as much- for whatever reason that may be.

    Each of you is entitled to write about what you want, in the way that you want. That’s your right.

    But please consider how narrow-minded it sounds when posts about one person’s struggle to conceive (or mentions of the topic) crop up weekly, yet you bemoan the announcement of someone else’s pregnancy. What if readers don’t want to hear about the topic of pregnancy (or insert other topic here) at all because they’re not interested/it’s irrelevant/they do not care. They’re not being rude, they’re simply skipping the article.

    Imagine how insensitive it would sound if someone wrote “this is a fashion site, nobody wants to hear about your pregnancy.” How insensitive and cruel that would be. Your articles, while irrelevant to some, provide hope and a sense of camaraderie to others.

    Now look at the piece that was originally written. Beyonce’s announcement brings happiness to her fans. Your updates bring solace to readers that empathize with you.

    See the irony?

  • Maia

    Hi leandra,

    First time commenter, just wanted to say I really liked this piece and had a few things to say. It took me five minutes to conceive my son and a really long time and a few gruesome miscarriages to have my daughter. I’m definitely not proud of having felt excluded, bitter or jealous of women getting pregnant in a minute, but I did and it is okay. It’s part of being human, i.e. Imperfect, as well as being forgetful, and moving on when you feel secure in your pregnancy or have a child. I have no doubt you will forget all this, as I have, the second you get pregnant, And that you will unironically inundate social media with pictures of yourself in cool outfits as a beautiful pregnant woman, and that is okay too. That being said, there is so much bragging about having a perfect life on social media that it’s fair game to say it gets annoying. I love Beyoncé but I do feel she is playing up the Mother Earth, fertility goddess a little too much, especially so during her Grammies performance. I saw some comments from readers wanting to make your very nuanced question into a race thing, and I really don’t believe it is. Beyoncé is obviously super talented, even saying it sounds silly and underlines how obvious it is, but she is also a human woman, and therefore faillible. Criticizing some of her decisions is not “betraying” her or taking away from such a wildly successful, and rightly so, African American artist. Anyhoo. Best of luck to you, Leandra, one day all this will seem very vague to you as you braid your daughter’s hair or deal with your son’s tantrums. The name of the game is patience, for better or for worse.

    A reader appreciative of your self reflection, honesty and humor,

    Maia

  • Natalia Bolohan

    When I read the apology part of this I was thinking oh my god, what did she say that was so offensive? Then I go on to read the original post and I see over and over how clearly you stated that you’re not using rationality and logic. You’re just kind of observing something going on in the world, that happens to be relevant to your current experience and then you asked a question. You were super honest and it annoys me so much how offended people get. If it were up to me, you’d never apologize. Where does it end? It’s like you went in a circle. Funny, witty, honest article, people get offended, you
    take it back and call it stupid. Nope, not cool. It wasn’t stupid at all. Please, pretty please let’s stop apologizing to stupid people and then putting ourselves down.

  • Lisa Westra

    Leandra- I went through what you are suffering through right now. I lost two babies after trying for two years. I sobbed when my sweet baby niece reached out to me and turned away from her chubby arms. I lashed out in anger at people asking when my husband and I were going to start having kids and most importantly- I deleted my Facebook account and unfollowed every blogger that was getting pregnant when I couldn’t. You are allowed to mourn your losses and detach from social media. I emotionally couldn’t handle being constantly reminded of my miscarriages.

    Massive props for keeping yourself in line with this latest post. I don’t see it as hatred for Beyonce’s gifts but more as a reflection of your broken heart. Good luck friend!

  • Lisa Dibble

    I have three children. Two were spawned in the misdirected crazy part of my life that I still can not believe existed, and the third came from a second marriage and was not only planned but everyone adores him, practically bows down to worship him, he’s such an amazing kid. The thing is I suffered from serious depression when I was young, and still don’t know who the hell I am now, but I’m telling you that I would never take an inch of it back, including the pounds, because I have learned so much being a mother. Pregnancy and babies and all the fan fare that goes with it is admirable, but no one tells you that when your son is six and puking all over the floor in the middle of the night that it is going to be a ‘character building’ experience. Sometimes being a mom means you have to ‘woman up’ and just get through the day, preferably without killing yourself at the end of it. So if your really hell bent about the illusions that having a baby is going to somehow solve the unquiet restlessness you might have about being fertile, you might want to think a little more long term if you already have issues with depression, loneliness, self-confidence, patience, loyalty, trust and long term relationships. If you can’t take care of yourself first, think of how hard it will be with a baby. That being said, I would never have grown past my own selfishness, despondency, and whatever the shit else is wrong with me without discovering the true nature of unconditional love. You love that kid while their throwing up, gladly clean up the mess, manage to keep your own lunch down while your comforting your child in a sour room that stinks of the flu you know your going to get in seven days. You put up with the bullshit arrogance your now adult children give you when they try to avoid having to spend 2 hours a month with you just because ‘their busy’ and you do your best to understand how you contributed to screwing up their lives and try to fix it anyway because you love them beyond the sane and rational meaning of what love could possibly be to mankind. You try not to yell at your youngest when your frustrated do your best to stay level headed to talk in a loving manner without busting a cluster of nerve endings. Ya, moms, at least the old ones like me, we know what holding a temper really means when all we want to do is kick and scream and beat the floor like a toddler with a tantrum. We keep our upper lip straight like the British, hold our heads up high, and then try not to let anyone see us at night when we cry into our pillows to put ourselves to sleep. Moms take out the trash, both litterally and emotionally, trying to always support and be there, and we really don’t think our kids ‘get’ how much we truly love them. So ya, having a baby is great, but its all fan fare and fun before the diapers come. It is a lifelong commitment, and I think a lot of young people don’t understand that when they have their first child. There heads are all wrapped up in the soft fleece of baby blankets when really they out to be more prepared for the emotional callouses that will eventually come…and they always do.
    Lisa Dibble

  • Catalina

    Roughly 2 years ago I got fired from my previous job. This came as a total shock to me and the next two and half months I spent toggling between job applications and Facebook/other social media outlets (it was the dead of winter in NY). Everyone’s job title on their Facebook page made me burn with jealousy, promotion announcements on FB seemed to be at an all time high and people were making and spending money – showing off all their glory, all in thanks to their very stable jobs.

    I had to get off because I couldn’t stop comparing myself. A very human flaw that I’m constantly trying to work on. So while you received a bunch of backlash for this post – I understand it and I’ve felt it. I still feel this when I scroll though my Instagram and a ridiculous materialistic post (see: very skinny tanned 20-somethings with insane jobs that drop them off in Thailand where they’re wearing very high-end of-the-moment-clothing, and everything is picture perfect!!! BTW – who’s taking these pictures?! My friends would probably kill me but not before they made fun of me for months) Revolve’s snapchat/insta stories might be the ultimate example of unattainable expectations. And I watch them still! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! I don’t know. But, what I do is try to honor the things that I have that are special to me, and acknowledge at the end of the day – it’s just stuff (LM, you’ve written about this so many times!) and at the end of the day it’s a just a job. It’s so much more about being content with the present. And I try to remind myself that every day.

    • Catalina

      Also, I know this isn’t even close to being able to conceive, etc. but wanting you to know that this article was not wasted and that I too felt and wished people were more sensitive when posting.

  • Helin

    this is kind of late contribution to this discussion but I finally found something that elegantly summarizes everything I find wrong about this post. Here you go: http://rabble.ca/blogs/bloggers/2017-02-21t000000/white-populist-feminism-makes-intersectionality-nearly-impossible#disqus_thread
    The article reads as an unintended reply to the post but this quote is especially spot on!: ” …when privileged women speak for or on behalf of the less privileged, it has the result of increasing or reinforcing the oppression of the group spoken for. While Beyoncé is certainly not an “oppressed” woman in terms of her socioeconomic class, racially, there are very few, if any, arenas in the public sphere of western culture where Black women’s bodies are exalted, celebrated or idealized. The “we” in Riley’s piece, therefore, reflects a desire to protect the parameters of (white) motherhood. It is not a neutral and fair critique of Beyoncé as a performer.”

  • Lisa

    Rejoice with those who rejoice
    Mourn with those who mourn
    Live in harmony with one another

  • Amanda Richson

    Good news to every woman having issues about pregnancy.my name is Amenda Richson. My partner and I have being trying for a baby for over two years now, We were going to a fertility clinic for about 5 months before somebody told us to contact this Sister Lucy herbal medicine who is so powerful, We contacted her at this email; lucyspecal@yahoo.com for her to help us, then we told her our problem, she told us that we will either conceive in February 2017 or March but after two years of trying we were at a point where we were willing to try anything. And I’m glad we came to Sister Lucy herbal medicine Because her pregnancy herbs put us at ease, and I honestly believe her, and her medicine really helped us as well, I am thankful for all she did. contact her. via email: lucyspecal@yahoo.com ,Call of WhatsApp +18573364737. if you are trying to get a baby or want your lover back. She has powers to do it, she did mine. .

  • Jessie Anna Atkinson

    I so feel you Leandra. Thank you for sharing. As I sit here with a very raw and empty womb after losing our baby at 3 months pregnant, I feel the same. I feel angry and hurt that it seems everyone around me has a baby in her arm or a very pregnant belly and social media fuels the visibility. It’s ok to feel sad and hurt. Just noticing this helps it pass… and then all there is is love ❤️❤️❤️❤️. On the other side, I have sought comfort and connected with women who have experienced what we have. Who thought they wouldn’t survive but we’re still living. I have found a lot of comfort in strength in reading stories of women such as yourself who are brave enough to share . So I am more grateful than hateful for social medias ability to connect . Our voices need to be heard, we can help other women like ourselves just be saying, you are not alone. I’ve been there too. You are loved. You are held . Xxxxx

  • Brittney Paige

    Three Years ago my doctor told me i can’t get pregnant because i have Pelvic Inflammatory disease. have tried several other doctors there answers were all the same. My husband and I were desperate to have a child but my condition did not allow me to have children until i came across an HERBAL named Dako, i told him about my condition he assured me is herbals can help me, so i took a chance and it paid off. Now i have two beautiful kids all thanks to Dako and is herbs.
    If you are in the same situation or any kid of infection preventing you from getting pregnant dako can help you out.
    contact him today!
    nakodako@outlook.com