Beyoncé is pregnant. And she is having twins.
This is amazing. This is the good thing that 2017 needed. This legitimately could save us all. It is so biblical that I don’t even know where to begin. The book of Genesis?
The thing about having twins as your second set of kids when your firstborn is Blue Ivy — who was announced at the 2011 VMAS, hold please:
The thing is that you have to let Blue Ivy know in a special way.
I picture Blue Ivy playing on the wraparound porch of an antebellum-era southern mansion, maybe it’s the house they filmed The Big Chill in, when Beyoncé calls out to Blue from a faraway room.
“Come here, Blue. I want to show you something.”
Blue puts down an impressive-for-her-reading-level novel and gets up slowly, anticipating what her mom’s about to tell her and savoring the few final moments of only child solitude. After all, she’s also only human.
Though she’s not so sure that her mother isn’t of otherworldly matter. Which would make her…
She shakes the thought out of her head. Hubris never did anyone any good.
Blue wanders into the same room with the same piano that Rachel McAdams lost her cinematic virginity to Ryan Gosling next to and finds her mom swaying back and forth on an indoor swing while bluebirds circle overhead and discuss the evening’s bird chores.
“Your father and I–”
Blue lifts her head to see Jay-Z, who had been replanting his lobelias for the hundredth time, alternating between dad-at-the-airport waves and double-thumbs up. Ahh. This confirms it. Mom’s pregnant.
Jay-Z is giving them space to speak mother-to-daughter, a sacred moment that only further strengthens their bond.
“Your father and I have some exciting news, Blue,” Beyoncé sings as the same lighting from her ‘Halo’ music video washes over the room. “We love you so much that we decided to express our love in the way that grownups do, which I will tell you about later in greater detail but for now you are not old enough to listen to ‘Partition,’ and because of that shared love…we’re pregnant. With twins.”
As she says it, the earth begins to shake and a stage erupts from the ground featuring a marching band bigger than any the Super Bowl had ever seen. Nick Cannon’s leading the drum line while J.K. Simmons claps with glee and cries, “Now THIS is my tempo!!!!”
Unicorns rear up on either side while the rest of the entire animal kingdom bows. From Blue’s perfectly centered vantage point, the scene is a cross between The Sistine Chapel ceiling, The Lion King and those weird vignettes that play inside of The Standard Hotel New York elevators. Tears pour out of her eyes — she is just so happy — and her mother, who had momentarily disappeared, is floating down slowly on a bed of grass with a floral wreath behind her (one that screams ironic and iconic at the same time), a veil the color of sea glass dripping down her back.
In the distance, Beyoncé’s rendition of “Ave Maria” plays. The bluebirds sing along.
“Blue,” Beyoncé asks in a secret language that only angels and Blue Ivy have the capability to hear…
“Will you please take a photo of me for Instagram? It’s time to tell the world.”
Blue Ivy rolls her eyes and smiles. She can’t wait to have two siblings to secretly discuss that, while exceptionally, otherworldly divine and cool, mom is kind of embarrassing sometimes.
Beyoncé wearing Agent Provocateur bra. Photos via Beyoncé.