Monocycle: Episode 44
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In partnership with THINX.

Hi ppl. I’m either sorry or really happy to acknowledge the lack of consistency with Monocycle lately (the apology or gratuity depends on entirely on how you feel about this podcast), but given the events of the past several weeks and the singular event that preceded the past several weeks, I have both been a fire breathing dragon and a severely sad human incapable of stringing together a sentence with my mouth (no problem with a keyboard, though!), but here we are. Back. Talking on the telephone only it’s not actually a phone, it’s an audio recording that you listen to and maybe speak back to even though I can’t hear you (unless you comment, in which case, I totally can).

This week’s episode is a sort of check in. It’s been two weeks since my pregnancy came to an end and I have been having a lot of conversations with myself, least not being the ones about:

+Interrupting self-deprecation

+Actually learning how to let go


+How to handle grief (I don’t know, I just talk about it)

+How to acknowledge how lucky you are if you don’t have an arsenal of weapons to handle grief by the age of 27 (means life has been pretty good to you)

+The fragility and consequent miracle of life

+How it is possible that by episode 44, I am *still* not Malcolm Gladwell

Hope you enjoy. It’s okay if you don’t, and happy Friday before the big fat holidays. What a wonderful time to be alive.

Related Story:

The Baby I Lost, the Person I’m Finding

This podcast is sponsored by THINX. Follow THINX on Instagram @shethinx and get $5 off your order with the code MANREPELLER at checkout!

Monocycle is edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander. Logo illustration by Kelly Shami; photo by © Michael Dunne; Elizabeth Whiting & Associates/CORBIS/Corbis via Getty Images.


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  • samhallie


  • Alicia

    All my hugs to you. My absolute favorite way to deal with challenging emotions:

  • Katelyn

    oh how i’ve missed my podcast bff Leandra. I have been thinking about you in this time of grief and sincerely hope you’re finding the healing that you so deserve.
    While I’m here I think I’ll make that list of things I like about myself, may I?
    1. I know a cool chick when I hear one (hello man repellers)
    2. I love solitude but also appreciate quality friend time
    3. I want every person to feel heard
    4. I can take a good Boomerang (@katerosekell holla at yo girl)
    5. My skin is good lately
    feels good. thanks for that! xoxox

  • CTCountryChic

    Trust that it (maybe not even the way you can think it) will have a happy ending… mine did and yours will too. Lots of love.

  • Rose

    Decided to check in after your recent post here to see if there were any new episodes and was relieved to see you are back. Listening to you makes me more comfortable talking about myself and listening to myself, and allowing myself to feel my feelings in the moment instead of waiting until later and just analyzing them.

  • Tatiana Melo

    Sending a lot of love for you.

  • I am so sorry to hear of your loss Leandra. I didn’t see any of the earlier articles. Happy to hear that you are taking time to heal. I like this revolution idea!
    xx Jenelle

  • Lila

    Dear Leandra,
    I am very sorry for your loss!I would like to give you a tiny but extremely important information about fertility issues in women your age with not many significant reasons to feel fertility worried about,not yet.
    In Greece(where I am from and writing right now) the most common,yet not something doctors immediately check when fertility issues arise,is a condition called thrombophilia.It is a simple blood test but rarely the doctors provide it,unless they’ve come to a point in which the woman has several miscarriages and nothing else to check.You’ve probably already done that but I felt the need to tell you just in case.Greece is considered one of the best countries in the world in fertility matters,with people arrive from all around the globe to be able to conceive,yet this is something that doctors check last in young women.
    I wish you the best and keep your head up.Everything is going to be ok you’ll be a great mum very soon,when the time is right.

  • Veronica G

    I’ve missed seeing Monocycle pop up on my podcast feed. I’m happy you’re back with more important self-awareness lessons for us all to keep in mind. Keep healing & best wishes
    – V

  • Marina Velikova

    Dear Leandra,
    I am so sorry to hear about your loss! I am also extremely proud of you that you talk about this and the things you go through! I had the same miserable experience a few years back and I was so alone and so unprepared! Nobody talks about this and that it actually happens very often. Every third pregnancy ends before it’s natural course. I had no idea about this and like yourself replayed it all in my head and blamed myself for everything. Even though doctors and everyone around me tried to talk otherwise, I was convinced Indid something wrong or simply deserved this misery. Then luckily work took over and before I know it, I got pregnant again. Now this time I was almost fanatic about what I eat, drink, do, anything that could possibly endanger my baby. Because like you say, life is so fragile. I went through the cripling nausea and vomiting and survived my pregnancy. Now I have a beautiful 3-year old girl and I’m also expecting our second child, hense feel like shit most of the time and hating myself for being so miserable when I actually want to feel happy.
    So I will take your advice and make those lists. I should have started something like that long ago.
    Being pregnant, being a mother of a newborn, raising a baby, having this one living being so much dependent on you is so overwhelming, exhausting and exhilarating at the same time. When I returned to working life, I had to find myself all over again and found myself stronger than ever because my perspectives have changed forever. Problems from my earlier life seemed ridiculous. Life is indeed fragile and being pregnant is just the beginning. After you have your baby, there are so many many million is other things that can go wrong that this could drive you crazy. So make sure to keep being strong! Make sure to keep talking about what you go through! This will keep you sane and make you stronger.
    Good luck! I hope you will get pregnant very soon!
    Your devoted follower,

  • Toni

    I appreciate you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  • Ashley Flores

    Your bravery and honesty in this difficult time are inspiring. Keep doing you and keeo your head up. We love you!

  • (Happy BDay, L! 🙂

  • Hannah Pflederer

    Dear Leandra, I have really really missed your voice. This year I started listening to your podcasts regularly. I started a new position at my job. I’m in radio. They started putting my voice and personality more on air and I needed to give myself a bit more confidence. Every time I listened to monocycle I felt like I had an older sister telling me I could do it! Thanks for being real!