Celebrity Couples I Would Third-Wheel in a Heartbeat

Expression idea: third wheel’s the charm.

10.07.16
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I’m the first to scream “OMG, GET A HOBBY!!” when we, as pop-culture consumers, emotionally invest in celebrity couples. I’m also the first to pass through the five stages of grief or throw a celebratory dinner party when the status of one of them changes to my dismay or liking, respectively. I’m a complex millennial creature. Please treat me as such.

Some famous pairings seem, frankly, like a snooze. But others bring out the latent and unbecoming stage-five clinger that resides within me. Like, I want to hang out with them. I wouldn’t even really require an invite or a welcoming tone, so long as security won’t haul me out on sight. I just want them to let me third-wheel. Share their oxygen. “Borrow” their sweaters. You know? (Just say you know.)

Below I’ve outlined who, what and where I’d like to third wheel as a purely intellectual/pointless exercise. Full disclosure, several of these scenarios were pulled straight from my dream journal, so please be discrete about with whom you share this piece of journalism!!!


Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham

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What we’d do together: Hike to a remote meadow on their property to enjoy a picnic of Oprah’s favorite foods as we listen to Oprah’s favorite music.

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: When they split the last piece of bread in the basket; during discussions of monogamy.

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When I ask to keep Oprah’s car.


George and Amal Clooney

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What we’d do together: Build a shelf that will display their gravitas (awards, degrees, stacks of money) and express their humility (IKEA, black-brown, $89).

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: The screwing.

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When I realize during step #23 that I messed up on step #2, begin to sob, and ask them if this means they won’t adopt me.


Chrissy Teigen and John Legend

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What we’d do together: Cook lamb chops (Chrissy), put Snapchat filters on baby Luna (John), read Chrissy’s @-replies on Twitter aloud (me).

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: When John jumps on the piano to play “All of Me” for Chrissy.

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When I jump on top of the piano to sing “All of Me” to Chrissy.


Chris Pratt and Anna Faris

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What we’d do together: Drink beer, order pizza, prank call Amy Poehler, slide around the hallways in our socks.

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: When they have sex in front of me.

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When I suggest we call ourselves the three musketeers and begin planning a trip to Hawaii.


Beyoncé and Jay-Z

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What we’d do together: Explore Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s private residence on the moon, which no one knows about aside from me, Rihanna and the Obamas.

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: Never, Jay’s the third.

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When I bring up Lemonade.


Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

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What we’d do together: Discuss the wardrobe design in Overboard, discuss the set design in Overboard, discuss the character development in Overboard.

When I’d feel most like a third wheel: When they exchange a knowing glance that says, “Who is that person talking at us through a megaphone outside our front gate?”

At what point they’d kindly ask me to leave: When they call the cops.

Photos via Getty Images.

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