Boo! Did I Scare Ya? Sorry. It’s Just Your October Horoscope!
10.07.16
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“What, everyone born in the same month is gonna have the same life?” — Daniel Desario on horoscopes, Freaks and Geeks

“Sweet child, you know nothing.” — Susan Miller of Astrology Zone, probably

Libra

Happy birthday and great eyebrows Greta Garbo, this is going to be one glamorous month for you! Who says “glamorous” without even a hint of irony? Susan Miller, your mom when referring to your cousin’s job in LA and me, okay?  I just do what Susan tells me to. I am but a vehicle of her brain. The cracker to her cheese, if you will.

OCTOBER IS GOING TO BE GREAT!

Jupiter showed up at the beginning of the month — he’s the good fortune 500 planet with a heart of gold and two emoji hands to bless the shit out of you. Sneeze all you want, Jups won’t get mad about it. You haven’t had him in this part of your chart for over ten years, so roll around in these happy days like you’re the Golden Retriever version of Richie Cunningham. What’s wrong with me? Everything. What’s wrong with you? Per Suz and Jups up until the middle of October? Basically nothing. You will probably fall in love, you will probably get a promotion* (not necessarily a raise, though — Susan says this one’s more about status, so hang on to your millennial boots and enjoy the fancy new title until your bank account catches up, which it will). You might get engaged in the first half of October, by the way. Remember that has two meanings but also remember that when it comes to pumpkin-spiced engagement photos, ’tis the season.

The second half of the month comes with a tiny bump: The new moon on the 15th and 16th might cause everyone and Ludacris to act a fool, so sidestep their asses to avoid conflict while you take time to consider your best plan of action. Focus on your Halloween costume instead. Way more important.

At the end of October, there’s a high chance you come into some sort of inheritance. That’s so Nate Archibald of you. Told you this was a glamorous month! Chipotle and champagne for all!

Scorpio

Scorpio, do you ever look at your sign as it’s drawn out in the sky and think to yourself that the bit to the right looks like Spiderman throwing a web in someone’s face? I am just curious.

Susan had some deep thoughts, too. She brought up the whole “technology is warping our brains” thing and lamented how we never take time for ourselves anymore. Would you rather eat glass than hear that kind of revelation one more time? I don’t disagree with the warping thing — yesterday I felt some brain come out of my ear — but I am also sick of the heavy come-down on the we way live, as though it’s our fault. Don’t give me this cell phone and then tell me to give it back! This might make you feel better: Ancient astrologers (the kind who go way back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth and everyone freed at least one nipple by way of asymmetrical togas) felt this way and decided, in conjunction with the stars, that this month of October before your Scorpian Queen birthday would be a time to pause. Reflect like Mulan. Stop answering text messages, avoid email and blame me, Susan and the sun. It’s for your sanity!

Hold, please, my Postmate is here. I’m getting oatmeal. I am writing this in the morning for once, so I’m not drunk but am a little tipsy.

I’m back and so is your mojo, heyo! Venus is moving through Scorpio until the 17th, and you know what that means: time for hair, nails and a new wardrobe. You’re gonna love the way you look, Men’s Warehouse guarantees it. You could do a little weekend getaway these next few weekends if you’re feeling festive, but be wary that Uranus and the new moon on the 16th are doing weird things in bathroom that will definitely cause some shit to go haywire. Don’t sign contracts but otherwise, you can handle it. You just spent what, like, 30 days in a retrograde last month?

Oh, and watch your step at the end of October. You might trip on something and fall in love.

Sagittarius

Your whole life is changing for the better, half-horse people. (You are half-horse people, so how it can get better boggles my mind.) September is centered around your office and career which is great and all considering that this is Wall Street and money never sleeps, but if you run on fumes for too long you’re bound to start sputtering and power out like a Tesla that someone forgot to charge overnight, or however those things work. Do they eat hay? Do you?

Hang out with your friends! They’re the rose gold spray-painted pumpkin centerpiece of your month. The stars saw it on Pinterest or something. (Susan also mentioned you might get very into sports right now. It is football season, after all. Any excuse for nachos.) This would also be a really good time time to get involved with something not necessarily outside of your comfort zone, but outside of your normal world. Join a club, join a charity, join a community garden so that you can harvest root vegetables and submit them to the phallic produce convention once the time rolls around again. I can never remember the date on that, but I do remember the date of the new moon since I have to write it 11 other times today. I am a farmer’s almanac! The new moon is October 15, and it’s in Aries.

Dun, dun, dunnnnnnnnnnnn. All that means is that some closure is due. When one door closes, another opens. Sometimes it’s your mom telling you not to slam doors and sometimes it’s a giant opportunity.

The month will end quietly, according to Siouxsie Sioux. Enjoy it. You’re gearing up for a large shipment of hay and other non-edible big things to come.

Capricorn

Dust off your trophy closet and start walking every potential suitor right into it as if by accident like, “Oh weird, who put these blue ribbons and soccer tournament posters featuring me in here,” because the moon and Jupiter are hanging out in your tenth house of honors, awards and achievements which means — cue it, Alicia Keys! This! Girl! Is on FIRE! And girl, by girl I mean your career. Hello, CEO, may I please have your autograph?

Interestingly, you may not actually see the spike during this new moon, but it is the time to plant career seeds, as Suz would say, because the new moon is fertilizing those sowed seeds better than horse manure does roses. <– This is true. The more you know. Befriend a Sagittarius ^. If you see something, say something. I live for a PSA.

Dates! Let’s talk dates. Since your whole ‘scope is swirling around your career, put a pin on the 26th for an important interview or phone call. Lucky day there. There’s a new moon on the 16th that’s annoying enough that Susan wrote entire paragraphs about it in summaries alone, but what you need to know as always is that it doesn’t determine doom so much as it does raise a flag that you should think methodically, move slowly and keep your eyes on the prize. That prize, of course, will be awarded to the winner of the Halloween costume contest, which you will definitely win. See sentence one of this horoscope and the following line:

Your creativity will be an all-time high, so whip out the spooky makeup tutorial videos and find your best ghosting sheet. Yee-haw! You win!

Aquarius 

If you work in media, want to work in media or consume it like cereal-flavored ice cream that’s sold out of a trendy sneaker, October 10th and 11th will be great days for you. If you’re not a television watcher, hate movies and are listening to this by way of a book on tape because you can’t stand media of any sort (well what does a book on tape count as then, hmmmm, and who exactly is narrating my voice if not Morgan Freeman, sounds sketchy to me??) well then, I lost my point.

Here’s another one! You’re thinking really strategically right now thanks to Mars. Vague, but use that to your advantage. In fact, on-your-toes savvy thinking might save you the 16th when you slip into my DMs to congratulate me for that string of alliteration and say, “Whoa, thank god you gave me that heads up in my ‘scope because my travel plans were all messed up!” So yeah, watch out for travel during this time. The planets are not trying to help anyone out for some reason around this new moon.

But they do love you. They really do. Proof is in the vibrator Jupiter is using on the 26th, which usually causes trouble during travel in case it goes off in a carry-on, but here it is redeeming the shitstorm of the 16th and making this particular date an especially lovely time to travel long distance. What a sentence! A run on, if you will, just like your upcoming love life. It’s gearing up on the 18th and will enjoy a lovely jog well into November 12th. So it’s fine if TSA confiscates your vibrator!

More than anything, I am very happy my dad is not an Aquarius if it means he never reads what I just wrote.

Pisces 

As the last person on the entire planet to watch Ali Wong’s “Baby Cobra,” I have taken quoting it every chance I get and I cannot stop going on about how she trapped her husband for his earning potential. Ali Wong (or Joanne the Scammer might be interested, too) if you are reading this, someone else is finally about to make you very rich!

But isn’t someone else always? Money doesn’t grow on trees. Someone higher up has to break out the fountain pen and sign the check. And they will! Do you! For one BILLION DOLLARS! Or something similar I don’t know just open up your wallet and say Ahhhhh.

(Then zip it up because the new moon on the 16th might try to fuck it up. This new moon is annoying everyone; don’t take it personally. You know we’ll get past it. We always do.)

Because it’s tacky to talk for an entire sign about money, let’s turn our focus to your friends. You will be very social this month! Call up your old pals, tell them you’re sorry for hibernating during every event they’ve had over the past few weeks (social menopause girl, I get it) and enjoy their presence. Just go home when you’re ready for bed. Be sure to say goodnight moon to the shiner at the end of the month. It’s going to be brand new, so you’ll want to be extra nice — this new moon on October 30th is going to making things reallllll special for you in November. You should invite it to Thanksgiving dinner! Too soon? Fine. Happy Halloweiner!

Aries

The new moon is spraying perfume in a public place for you, regardless of who chokes on it — a little bit annoying to anyone who’s nearby and allergic or hates the smell of the moon’s favorite scent, but absolutely fantastic for you if you’re thinking about weddings, engagements or the grand ol’ cuffing season. Jupiter is in a part of your house right now that touches commitments, and Jups plus the new moon are singing everyone’s favorite song about math, “I know my calculus. It says you plus me equals us.”

Remember that commitment and words like “engagement” doesn’t always have to be so literal. Engagement could mean the amount of comments on your newest Instagram, and commitment will definitely pertain to your career, because you’re about to be so in love with what’s going on at work. Aries, you’re impressing everyone! Keep it up! Be bold with your ideas and don’t let Karen in accounting with the scowls sway you, even if you are a year late on the receipts that she keeps asking for. We all know you lost them. It’s okay. You can ask cab drivers for some blank receipts and write stuff in if you have to.

Where am I? Who are you?

The new moon of the 16th’s a tricky dick. Mostly because — I’m not going to lie — in rereading your sign I’m suddenly worried I recapped Aries for another sign. But there’s no looking back, is there? It will be fine either way. You’re likely to sidestep problems because you have Jupiter on your side. Just maybe wear sturdy shoes that you don’t mind getting dirty. Like the kind you’d wear to a frat party.

Speaking of party, go to all of them at the end of the month for Halloween. Hate the season? Work that into your costume, but I’d definitely go if I were you. Sounds like you’re going to meet someone cool.

Taurus

We are going to have such a career month, you guys!!! That is great news because I got these horoscopes in to our new editorial director Leslie Price so late that I am surprised she did not light me on fire, but there is still time. Time to succeed! Use this time to show everyone at the office just how good you are, how great you can be and exactly what you can do. If you have spent the last six weeks perfecting your ukulele skills and your firm is trying to write a radio jingle for something that could really use a few sweet chords strummed by an angel, um, raise your hand. No one is going to know what you know until you show them. Be your own best resumé! Build your brand!

And in the kindest way possible, seal your mouth shut. There’s a likelihood that this full moon, the same one that’s bugging everyone, could get us into a little bit of trouble by tricking us into revealing a secret. Since you can’t walk around with duct tape over your mouth and it’s probably not realistic for you to eat peanut butter or biscuits without water every five seconds (I mean, it is but…) so that you don’t talk, just be cautious, you know? Don’t assume that anyone knows anything and play a little bit like, “What? A dinner? I had no idea.” Sometimes, when I’m in a particular pit of secret-keeping, I just ignore any and all text messages. “Safe Keeping,” I call it. OH MY GOD AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SPEAKING OF SECRETS AND TEXT MESSAGES, no screenshots, okay?? No texting screenshots, no email shit-talking. This is how stuff gets out these days.

Enough of the cautionary whale: here’s some fun stuff depending on your definition of fun. We’re going to get back into fitness. Yes. We are doing this now so that we can be on track way before January. (Because you know how we are in January, and in January we are sleeping. Abs start in October so that they can hibernate during the winter.) Ditto love. Start batting your fake eyelashes now for practice, but all of the good romance is being saved for the end of the month. Maybe it will be with a Gemini…??

Gemini

Oh hey Gemini. I was just talking about you because I thinkkk we’re probably going to start dating each other pretty soon. My sign needs at least 20 more days to mull this over but is also raring to go. I’ll text you after this so that you know where to send me flowers. AS FOR THE FLOWERS BEING SENT TO YOU, everyone is in love with you! Everyone! “Cupid and his little fleet of angels will be out and about to zing their arrows to the right person for you,” wrote Susan. I didn’t even know Cupid “did” October. Doesn’t seem like his scene? Too many people dress up like him on Halloween. Speaking of, even though this is a total diversion, is there anything worse than grown men dressed up as giant babies for Halloween? I hate clowns. A lot. Like I would not be okay with this Tim Curry-as-IT-stuff-of-nightmare bullshit going on right now, but giant babies are really up there for me, too. And puppets.

Back to your ‘scope because that’s way more pleasant. Susan says in her own way that you’ll be having lots of fun, romance and sex like, all month. Seriously. It’s kind of all she talked about, including in your summary. I felt like I was reading a Danielle Steel novel, which is nice, because it’s been way too long since we’ve had a Danielle Steel reference in general.

You’ll spend more money than usual (channel J.Lo if you’re feeling broke because her love don’t cost a thing) but Suz seems to think that you won’t just be okay, you’ll still have ca$h left over for shoes. Like, THE pair of shoes as opposed to a bunch of cheap-o pairs. Where you do need to watch out for is the new moon on the 16th, which is causing emotional acne across every sign, but we’ll all be fine and swallow helium from Libra’s birthday balloons to make ourselves laugh if need be.

Cancer

God sometimes Susan writes a line so clean I don’t even know why I bother putting shoes on: “Home means everything to the little crab, and if your home is not the way you hoped it would be, you will feel restless until you get it right.” You know what that means, right? Apartment therapy!!! Not to toot our own trumpets but if you need some inspiration that doesn’t involve springs tucked into twine that has been crisscrossed over your towel stacks like a wrapped package because you will never in a million years will you be able to untie the twine without using a garden shear, look no further than our Cool Apartment series. OKAY COMMERCIAL OVER JEEZ can I have the remote back now?

“There’s no possibility of anything going wrong this month.” Susan also said that so I sure hope you’re happy again after our fight we just had. “You are now in your very best year in the decade to find the living quarters of your dreams.” !!! She said that too! Why do I even write these things for you if she’s the one with all of the brilliance in her finger tips and knowledge in her brain? (You are just now asking yourself that, Amelia?) Do you even want any more information beyond that?

Probably. So you’ve got Jupiter helping out on the home improvement front, then when Mercury joins it on the 10th/11th, you’re going to be well-positioned to sign a lease. Money might be tight around the new moon on the 16th, a day that’s bugging everyone, but in this case that’s probably because you just locked down a place to live. Everyone else is going to be a little…crabby…during that time…including an authority figure, so don’t cave, and don’t take offense. Hole up in your home and start laying out your gallery wall because I’ve heard that takes hours. Maybe put a little jazz on. Why not?

Now turn your focus toward the end of the month, because something tells me you still don’t know what to be.  Susan hints you should “go for the gold,” which means the options are endless. An Olympic gymnast a la Simone Biles? A Klimt painting? Ponyboy? The options are endless because the world is your oyster. Good thing you live in the ocean.

Leo

Regardless of all the dramatic hoo-ha surrounding bloggers, now is exactly the time for you to start thinking about gearing up your URL and figuring out how many different variations there are on whatever play on words you’ve concocted in your beautiful lion-tressed head. The new moon in Libra (is that taken?) is sprinkling that good juice all over your sign’s house of communication, which means anything involving writing, talking, media, hand waving, passing notes, texting, blinking and reading will just make so much sense. Everything’s gonna click! Like a Lego.

Travel appears to be in your charts on the 16th which means that Susan must have access to your Google calendar. It’s technically not the best time to travel because the new moon is being a real stick-in-the-Mudd jeans (remember when those were so coooool) but as they say in the great outdoors: when you gotta go, you gotta go. Just be mindful of what is and isn’t poison ivy. Speaking of butt wipes that could go either way, Uranus, planet of surprise, is obviously involved in all of this. Any time travel falls outside of your control during a Susan Miller celestial warning, you know the drill: strap your passport to your belly button, glue your eyeglasses to your face, arrive to the airport at least one day early and either avoid checking a bag or avoid packing shampoos. If you do check a bag, succumb to the fact that your bottle of Head & Shoulders will explode all over, or the suitcase will be lost. At least that means a new wardrobe for you and no acne for your clothes!

These tangents are how I lose track of time. Where were we again?

Ah, yes! Your home, once again. Sorry, it’s all Susan talked about, although I’d just like to add that in terms of money you’re good and when it comes to your heart, you’ll feel full. I do wish I had some Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons to give you, though. Accept this horoscope instead?

Virgo

If money has felt tighter than your it’s-September-so-who-cares-about-the-gym-and-why-not-say-yes-to-the-all-you-can-eat-waffle-bar-every-day belt then get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars, literally, because Uranus is getting the hell out of Virgo’s sector that rules finances. That means this year, your finances are going to rule. FINALLY! They have felt annoying and scabby since 2011 according to Susan’s calculations.

Hold on I have to use the restroom.

K I’m back.

Do you feel richer already? Just wait until the 10th and the 11th when the good kind of green juice really starts to pour in. You may also inherit a condo! In Boca? I don’t know. Wherever your heart desires, moneybags. Now let’s talk about love.

Mars just recently entered your true love sector — that sneaky planet did so toward the end of September, and you haven’t had the help of Mars in two years. Some people call that a dry spell. It’s revving up now, and although there may be some little pin pricks because of pricks around the 13th, the 20th and 28th (nice to know there are specific dates to beware of assholes, no?), you’re otherwise going to be swimming in everyone’s favorite hot tub called romance. Mars leaves November 9th, by the way, but then Venus comes in and you know she likes to get weird and wild. Venus will jump right in that hot tub with you and take her top off. Everyone needs that friend, the ultimate wing woman. Speaking of all of this, make sure you’re social during this time if you do indeed want to meet a few suitors and line up your string of dalliances. I’ve said this before and lord knows I will say it again because I’m consistent, repetitive and consistent: It is cuffing season! And thanks to Céline, big cuffs are in.

Travel toward the end of the month if you can. Hang out by the water. There’s probably a connection to be made here about fish in the sea but I used up my ocean joke on Cancer. One at a time, y’all. Whether you get away or not, stay by a pen. The new moon on the 29th will trigger your creativity and inspire you to write. Just in time for November horoscopes. Text me if you want to do them for me!

Jk. It’s my pleasure. You guys are the gravitational pull that keeps my world spinning.

Illustration by Cynthia Merhej. Get your own Anya Hindmarch Libra zodiac sticker!

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  • Rachel Zuckerman

    BUT AM I A PISCES OR AN AQUARIUS NOW

    • Amelia Diamond

      FUCK THAT SHIT. you just are whatever you were. they can’t willy nilly change signs like that when you’ve identified with one your whole life. THEY DO NOT KNOW YOUR LIFE.

      • Amelia Diamond

        also hiiiii!

      • Aydan

        Was just told this by a coworker — I’m a CAPRICORN?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

      • I am the Snakebearer now. Where’s my ‘scope? 🙂

  • Lauren

    Ok I seriously LIVE for Amelia’s Susan Miller breakdown.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I live for you!

  • Em Berlin

    Tomorrow is my birthday and I’m a Libra. This month I was robbed, I went into an exam after revising for a week (I knew everything, I was sure of it,) and afterwards I googled the most foreign questions on the planet to me; one of which was featured in the NY Times because 78% of professors of the subject actually get it wrong. I had two job interviews today and I missed both of them. I got a phone call from a HR person who knew an old blog of mine on my resume, which now actually belongs to two people who run around saying that they founded this website that I built for them and gave them all of the contacts for. But I cbf correcting them because they are still doing that, two years on and it’s actually just weird and preferable that they just stay there anyway instead of getting paid for things- I had to explain that to the HR guy who even after my looney sounding spiel gave me an interview (one that I missed anyway.) I feel like this horoscope is betraying me. It’s supposed to be good in my life. Thank You for listening.