How to Fake Conversation About the 2016 Emmys Nominees

OH MY GOD YOU HAVEN’T SEE– No, dude. No I have not.

09.16.16
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In addition to people who share their Nike app screenshots on Instagram and every political conversation since 2015, listening to friends discuss TV shows you haven’t yet watched goes down as one of the greatest plights of our time. Nothing makes you feel quite as small as being the only person in a group of 15 who doesn’t have a suspect theory about The Night Of. Don’t have an opinion on the blood and gore in Game of Thrones? Don’t bother coming to dinner. You thought Stranger Things was the name of an anti-bacterial ointment and now none of your friends will talk to you, let alone touch you? Quarantine yourself.

Here’s something I never thought I’d say: I miss the days where the only thing one had to keep up with was the Kardashians. Managing the Netflix/Amazon/Hulu/HBO climate can feel akin to running on a hamster wheel. WILL YOU EVER CATCH UP? The upside to that answer (no) is that I’ve crafted a nifty guide to talking about this year’s most buzzed about TV shows, just in time for the apocalypse Emmys.

Here’s what to say when someone mentions…

Transparent

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“Jeffrey Tambor’s tunic collection doesn’t get the attention it deserves.”

[Photograph by Maarten de Boer via Getty Images.]

Veep

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“I have so much more respect for Joe Biden after watching that show.”

[Photograph by The Washington Post via Getty Images.]

Inside Amy Schumer

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“Anyone know when Yo Puss will be hitting stores?”

[Photograph by Michael Loccisano via Getty Images.]

Game of Thrones

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“Why hasn’t L’Oreal bottled Khaleesi’s hair color yet?”

Or:

“I always thought Hodor sounded like ‘Hold the Door.’ Not sure why everyone else was so surprised.”

[Photograph via HBO.]

Bonus for the diehards: Memorize the following lineage tree…

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[Photograph via TechInsider.]

The People V. OJ Simpson

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Begin to yell, “The Juice! The Juice! The Juice is Loose.”

Do not stop. Add tears for emphasis and drama. Follow up with, “Anyone else feel like David Schwimmer is undergoing a McConaissance?”

[Photograph by John D. Kisch/Separate Cinema Archive via Getty Images.]

Downton Abbey

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“I think I miss Lady Mary’s Victorian wardrobe more than I do Matthew. Am I allowed to say that?”

[Photograph by Vera Anderson via Getty Images.]

Mr. Robot

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“Honestly? I’m not afraid of hackers. I have nothing to hide. My Safari history is an analogue of cat videos and Google searches like: What happens after you die and, How do you know if it’s a pimple or a tumor?”

[Photograph by Bobby Bank via Getty Images.]

House of Cards

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“I binge-watched all three seasons and now feel 100% confident in my ability to broker a cease-fire and just like, any government health plan in general.”

[Photograph by Paul Morigi via Getty Images.]

Master of None

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“Now I want a pasta maker and a stuffed toy seal that moves. I would also like Arnold Baumheiser to be my best friend.”

[Photograph by Frederick M. Brown via Getty Images.]

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

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“Does anyone else think Kimmy Schmidt is like GIRLS only the characters are slightly less-deluded? Does that make Titus Andromedon… Shoshanna?

[Photograph by Steve Sands via Getty Images.]

Black-ish

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“I love Tracee Ellis Ross. Did you see read her New York Magazine profile? DID YOU KNOW that Black-ish is Michelle Obama’s favorite show?”

[Photograph by  Maarten de Boer via Getty Images.]

Bloodline

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“I just heard it was cancelled. What do you think Coach Taylor will do now?”

[Photograph by Maarten de Boer via Getty Images.]

Feature photograph by Christopher Polk via Getty Images; carousel photograph by Kevork Djansezian via Getty Images.

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