Consider this: life is just one long domino trail of procrastinations until death.
Ate the lunch.
That actually doesn’t really make sense — got a glass of water — but it did delay — and a piece of gum — having to jump the psychological hurdle of admitting I procrastinate. Stood up. Sat back down. Moved to the couch.
The above is an honest documentation of the ways I put off starting this particular story. I won’t deny it’s appalling and embarrassing. But also, child’s play. Grabbing some food, getting a glass of water, scrolling through Facebook…that’s Procrastination 101. Talk to me when you’re researching a murder that occurred in 1962 while on hold with USPS. Now that’s some advanced shit. Advanced because of the commitment required, yes, but also because it’s almost kind of useful in its own way, you know? You’re dissecting criminals minds and tracking down a package!
At least that’s what I tell myself. I have a knack for engaging in a sort of unfocused productivity when I’m avoiding something, particularly when I’ve chugged a lot of coffee in an effort to stay on task. For this I have a dim sense of pride. Should Alanis Morissette have worked this scenario into her song?
Here are some of the most absurd things I’ve done to put something off IN THE LAST WEEK:
Renewed my passport
Was avoiding: writing 10 things I’ve learned since moving to New York.
-Nothing says “I’m on top of my shit” like printing out government documents.
-I actually have a sheet of stamps and a tiny portrait in my wallet now, like a real dad!
–Learned nothing about New York in the process.
Poured over old journal entries
Was avoiding: going the F to bed.
-I’ve been learning the same lessons over and over for five years, including the value of sleep.
-It’s frighteningly well-documented.
-Life is insane and I’m tired.
Dusted my floorboards
Was avoiding: Writing confessions of a snacker.
-Writer’s block is actually the only thing that could ever get me to do this.
-I would gladly engage in any of the activities listed here if this task was actually on my to-do list.
-My cat is getting too floofy.
Responded to an old Linkedin message
Was avoiding: Organizing my messy to-do list.
-It’s weird to respond to messages people don’t remember sending.
-…regarding industries you’re no longer a part of.
-Linkedin is bad, my to-do list is worse.
Gone three days deep in my Venmo feed
Was avoiding: Emotional growth.
–Venmo is an incredibly creepy way to stalk an ex.
-Some girl named Jenna paid some girl named Rachel for what I presume was coffee and eggs, based on the emoji.
-Someone take my phone away.
Archived 5-year-old emails
Was avoiding: Writing there’s a college student in my cart.
-I’ve been receiving some of the same junk mail for half a decade
-Yet still have not unsubscribed.
-This was utterly useless.
Written tomorrow’s to-do list
Was avoiding: Doing today’s to-do list.
-This is surely the most productive unproductive act.
-I feel crazy…
-Am I a good person?
Illustrations by Emily Zirimis.