Tonight is the first of what are sure to be three very entertaining and possibly soul-sucking presidential debates. Last week, the New York Times laid out all the details regarding how Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have been preparing, which can be summed up by the following: a shit ton and not very much, respectively. All signs point to enough ad hominem attacks to send us to an early grave, so why not claim ownership over our fates by speeding up the process? By that I mean drinking excessively in sweatpants. Tune in tonight at 9 p.m. EST and make sure to adhere to the below rules while you watch!
Take a sip of your drink and pluck a single eyelash out every time either candidate rolls their eyes.
Do a keg stand if Trump brings up Clinton’s recent bout of pneumonia, join a fraternity if he does it within the first 10 minutes.
Do a shot for every exemption you claim if you hear the phrase “tax returns.”
Bellow like a walrus and pour tequila down your gullet if Trump says, “We need to find out what’s. going. on.”
Fix yourself an Aperol Spritz whenever you’re forced to unfollow a friend on Facebook.
Close your eyes and drink whatever your hands can find if Trump starts a sentence with “Look.”
Erect a wall between you and your television then make a margarita if Mexico is mentioned.
Make your apartment great again by dustbusting the floor, then try to bartend your way into a White Russian, then pour it down the drain in disgust.
Cry (not a rule).
Roll over and play dead if Bill Clinton’s name is mentioned, then have an apertivo.
Loudly slurp your drink every time Hillary laughs in disbelief at something Trump says.
Pour a glass of champagne and then chug it with your pinky in the air every time Lester Holt interrupts the debate to fact check.
Chug a beer and book your next therapy appointment if Trump does this:
Do a shot of wheatgrass every time Trump calls Clinton a liar (I care about your health).
When Trump makes his index fingers into tiny pointers, make a finger painting out of your red wine.
Take one pull of vodka straight from the bottle if Clinton mentions Putin, two if Trump does.
Run to the bodega for more booze if Clinton or Trump goes more than one minute over their allotted speaking time.
Lap up your drink like a dog if Trump says he plans to make America great again.
Chug a glass of water whenever Lester Holt looks flustered (you’re welcome for the hydration).
Do a shot and call your mom if you hear the word Benghazi.
Soak up the alcohol with a full pie every time a commercial break fills you with relief.
Pour yourself a glass of wine and respond to an email you’ve been putting off if Trump brings up the email scandal.
Google “international data rates” if Trump gets under Hillary’s skin.
At 10:29 p.m. open that overpriced bottle of organic, biodynamic, small-batch-produced wine you’ve been saving.
Break it over your head.
Feature collage by Emily Zirimis.