I’m sorry to have to proclaim the ’90s dead. I don’t actually have that kind of power — time did it for me. It’s been a steady sizzle since the first pair of ripped jeans made its way back into the zeitgeist five years ago but, finally and definitively, it seems like we’re through. No more flannels. No more concert tees. No more shirts wrapped around your waist (unless, of course, you’re doing it the J.Crew way and over a pencil skirt). But forget that pencil skirt, too, because if spring wants you to know anything, it is that clothes that could be deemed as constricting are dead and tunics are not. One might even go so far as to deem Barbra Streisand’s character in Meet the Fockers icon of the season.
So here you have it: all the things you should consider buying for next season and consequently, too, what you should stop buying before you accidentally realize that your closet is full of trends in which you no longer want to participate.
Leave Your Neck Alone, It’s All About The Earlobe. Apologies for that, but really! I mean it!
Forget your turtlenecks, too. When I say leave your neck alone, I mean: let it breathe, too.
While We’re Still Above the Torso, How Are Your Shoulders? Kind of cold? Buy a heater, because they’re staying out tonight!
Sick of Tight Pants? Put a Dress On it. Seriously. You don’t need to throw out your pants or anything, that would be irrational, but have you considered wearing, say, a shin-length shirt dress over them? Can I recommend that you do?
As a Matter of Fact, Forget Separates Altogether. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, there were skirts and there were tops and certainly plenty of exposed belly buttons, but if you’re thinking what I’m thinking (ice cream or bust), you might want to forget the separates all together and lean into the riveting tunic/caftan as workwear trend.
Fine, That Was Harsh. Bottoms Live On. But your thighs are concealed, nothing is short — shorts are actually pants and skirts fall below the knee.
While We’re Looking at Skirts, Hemlines Are All Over the Place. Have yours mirror the stock market, too!
Is Lacing Sandals Up Your Leg Getting Annoying? Same. The good news, though, is you can forget them for now. The short heel, skinny-band-around-foot slide will take you through next Spring — no question.
Come to Think of It, All Shoes Are Still Pretty Flat. But boots are annoying, so think about loafers.
How About Your Pockets? Are They Sick of Holding Your Keys? Cool, that’s good because the handbag is back. And it’s big.
Too much to digest? Consider the following outfit proposition: long-sleeve, ankle-length dress, rendered in a brightly colored, lightweight fabric, paired with patent leather loafers and a basket to store your big-ass earrings. So long denim cut-offs. See you when I see you.
Photographed by Christian Vierig via Getty Images.