I’m Waiting for Eyebrows to Stop Being a Thing Again

Oh you have a unibrow? I have zerobrow.

09.26.16
im-waiting-for-eyebrows-to-stop-being-a-thing-man-repeller-bits

I have approximately 30 strands of eyebrow hair. Total. Both brows. It’s always been that way, and I’m only just now realizing that’s a problem. To think I spent my whole life relatively satisfied with my face.

I’m baldheaded, y’all. Except it’s my face, not my head. I’m baldfaced.

When it comes to society’s aesthetic standards, there’s so much I could be worried about. No, I probably can’t find my shade of makeup at the store. No, I’ve never found jeans that fit my hips and waist at the same time. No, this is not bedhead, this is the direction my hair actually grows.

I was prepared to fight the world, defend my brand of beauty with pride. Yet now I’m standing in Sephora holding $79 worth of Anastasia Beverly Hills brow pencils in my hands. Where did I go wrong?

According to every blog ever, eyebrows frame the face. Meanwhile I’ve been out here frameless. Just void of frames. How did my face hold itself up without frames? What’s the point in having a face with nothing to frame it? How did I manage?

I bet real U.S. currency that if we created a graph with the popularity of Instagram or YouTube on one axis and the importance of eyebrows to our collective femme psyche on the other, they would correlate. Damn you, beauty gurus. With one swipe of brow mousse (that’s a thing, apparently) you have simultaneously revealed my inadequacies and given me the tools to make them right. I don’t know whether to side eye or thank you. I can’t exactly raise a brow at you.

Let’s deconstruct the delicate art of eyebrow illustration either way, yes?

GROOMING
Are your brow hairs strewn above your eyes in no particular form or fashion? Gross. You gotta groom those things. Don’t have an Eyebrow Lady? Get one. I know what you’re thinking, baldfaced friend. “Can I afford to have what little brows I possess plucked, waxed, or threaded?” “Shouldn’t I grow some first? I heard castor oil works!”

Listen, I don’t make the rules. I didn’t choose this life.

STENCILING
Now that these hairs exist on the same plane, outline your desired brow shape with a pencil or powder and tiny angled brush situation. Get creative. Revisit Sade circa 1985, Cara Delevingne, Steve Carell. Inspiration is everywhere.

SHADING
Time to get your Bob Ross on. Tiny strokes. Hairlike, even. You literally have to create the illusion of more eyebrow strands. No pressure. The Joy of Painting. Flick of the wrist. Become one with the brow.

DETAILING
Gel. Pomade. Products that kinda look like mascara but absolutely are not. Use them to do things like “add dimension.” Find concealer and outline your work of art to “clean it up.”

Now repeat all of that on your other brow with whatever semblance of symmetry you can muster. And you thought wing-tip eyeliner was rough.

I’m over it.

As an eyebrow-deficient woman, I’ve had enough. The upward transition from my eyelids to hairline is way too seamless, and that’s okay. It’s time to pull an Alicia Keys (who has a strong natural brow, by the way, so I call bullshit) and start a movement: #BrowPositivity. Tomorrow, let’s go out into the world browless and unafraid! Be baldfaced! Be empowered!

You first.

Check out author Evelyn’s YouTube channel, Instagram @evelynfromtheinternets, Twitter @eveeeeezy and Facebook. Illustrations by Lily Ross.

evelyn-eyebrow

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