Summer Boyfriends, Now on Sale!

JK, his love don’t cost a thing

08.31.16
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Oops! No summer fling for you? Who cares. Remember when Jan Brady didn’t have one, either? She made hers up and you can, too. You don’t need to exert a drop of creative energy, either. Literally just scroll to select your favorite personality. (Scrolling is so much easier on the carpal tunnel than swiping.)

Ready to meet your summer boyfriends? Great. Allow me to introduce you to…

The Hot Guy Visiting His Extended Family for the Summer

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His deal: He’s not from around here. He’s visiting his mom’s side of the family and he’s not super close with them, but his mom felt it was really important for his development as a human being. He’s a bit of a trouble maker, but the fun kind — his mom also thought this would keep him out of trouble for the summer. He’s an entrepreneur; he works with his hands. He’s probably going to be a successful furniture maker one day, like Aiden from Sex and the City but without the whiney shit.

How you met: On the train. He sat down next to you and asked if he was on the right one. You said yes and then talked the rest of the ride. You both missed your stop and had to share a taxi. He dropped you off first, got your number then called five minutes later to ask you out on what he calls your second date; you consider it your first. He’s funny like that.

Your favorite memory together: God, I mean, it was all such a sandy blur but…if you had to pick one it was the night you two came back from being on the water all day, tired and sun burnt, and ate the oysters you caught while sitting on the dock with a couple of cold beers that he ran and bought from the corner store.

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: He’s just not a social media guy!

How you two left things: You both agreed long distance wasn’t right for right now. You didn’t want to resent one another when what you had was so special. Sigh.

The Low-Key Celebrity 

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His deal: He’s the kind of famous where he gets recognized by certain people, but not everyone. He can still maintain a really low profile at restaurants and on public transportation, especially when in gym clothes. You went on a few dates but he’s really private about these things and so are you, so you both agreed it was best to keep it quiet.

How you met: At a bar, it was so random.

Your favorite memory together: Dinner at this total dive Chinese restaurant in the Theater District that’s considered a favorite among the stand-up crowd and younger Broadway cast members. It reminded you that these are just people, too, you know? You can’t remember the name of the place, though…

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: He does, but his agent is really strict about what he posts and who he tags.

How you two left things: You really liked him but just weren’t into the whole “scene.”

The Artsy, Sensitive Photographer

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His deal: Totally not your type but there was just something about him. He was mysterious and strange and, like, a little bit troubled, and so, so into you.

How you met: You talked to him first. You were both reading in the park when you realized it was the same book, so you sat down on the bench and asked if you could join him. He said sure, and then the two of you read until the sun set. Then you spontaneously started making out.

Your favorite memory together: Probably that first day/night. He was so moody that it got kind of exhausting, you know?

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: He doesn’t believe in it.

How you two left things: He wrote you a song and you both cried. But you knew you weren’t meant to be.

The Guy Who’s Like, “Let Me Show You How to Make Love”

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His deal: You’re not totally sure, actually, but he was so attractive that sometimes, while talking to him, you forgot what your name was.

How you met: At a giant group dinner for a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend. You were having a “yes” week and went even though you didn’t know anyone. You sat across the table from him, and he told you that he wanted to marry you. Like, when you sat down.

Your favorite memory together: You’d rather not talk about it because it was so intense and magical and special, but let’s just say that you’ve never had a night like that in your life. You’re kind of a different person now.

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: You suspect that he’s a bit of a player and this keeps him from getting caught.

How you two left things: It ended quickly, as you sort of expected. Supernova.

The Surfer Bro

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His deal: He surfs and works at a start up. But mostly he surfs. He’s just not really about that rise and grind, you know? He’s about that rise and thank the earth for producing waves.

How you met: On the beach. He came up to you and asked you what you were doing not on a board.

Your favorite memory together: That time the two of you went into the water with the intention to surf — he had already showed you a few pointers on land — and you got a little…distracted. Surfing is still something you want to learn how to do, though.

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: He’s just more about what the ocean has to say then what people have to say. Besides you. He’s very into what you have to say.

How you two left things: He said he’d call you on your shell phone and then never did.

You’re okay with it, though. You know that, in reality, you need someone more serious.

The Bad Boy

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His deal: He’s this guy you’ve seen around town where your grandma lives for the summer, and he gets into some scuffles here and there but your family knows his family, so you feel like you know the real him.

How you met: Honestly? At Joanne’s Fabrics. He has a sensitive side. He’s into crafting.

Your favorite memory together: Riding on his motorcycle alongside the coastline.

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: It’s just not really him, you know?

How you two left things: With a tearful goodbye, and a promise of perhaps in another life…

The Between-Job-and-Business-School-Guy With an Accent

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His deal: He was here for the summer in between a job he gracefully exited — they were like, “No! Please don’t go! Our company is nothing without your genius!” — and business school, which is overseas, just as his accent would suggest. He grew up all over the world, has at least five different passports and can speak ten languages plus three different dialects of Chinese.

How you met: It’s all such a blur, but the short answer is on the dance floor of this underground salsa club that your friend who’s in some graduate program at Columbia snuck you into. It’s not listed on Yelp.

Your favorite memory together: Well, you’ll always cherish the late night talks the two of you had overlooking the Hudson River, but your favorite memory is the time he really let his guard down and let you see him see-him. He climbed over the gates of a private park and snuck you both in…

Reason he doesn’t even have Facebook, let alone Instagram: He’s just really focused on his career right now.

How you two left things: A tearful goodbye. You couldn’t handle the long distance and figured it best to just never talk again. He might come back over the holidays, but if his grant to move to India gets approved…

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By the way, you can also just say you dated them all.

Collage/Gif by Lily Ross.

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