A Weekend Memo to All Feud-Prone Celebrities

ALL CELEBRITIES WITH ACTIVE SOCIAL MEDIA ACCOUNTS OF ANY SORT MUST READ

07.22.16
A Celebrity Email Correspondence Man Repeller Feature 1

Speaking of feuds, it’s time for Martha Stewart and Gwyneth Paltrow to kiss and make up.

To: *Undisclosed Famous Recipients*

Subject: Weekend feuding

Dear all (actors, reality stars, musicians, politicians, lip-syncing Vine kings, etc.),

To say that I am furious is an understatement. If I were your mother, I might use the word “disappointed,” because you know better. You know better than to go on Twitter rants, drop albums, release viral videos, throw shade and talk about things you have absolutely zero authority to talk about in a public, unhinged and un-editable/mostly-permanent manner during NON-WORKING-HOURS and yet, you do it anyway.

In an effort to not name names let us just say that it recently came to my attention that a full-on digital takedown occurred while most normal non-marsupials were sleeping. I commend the courtroom-like thoroughness and use of alleged incriminating proof. I commend the comeback and the screen-shotted tell-all iPhone note, and I very much applaud the use of multiple players, ex-love interests, bored, technically-untethered-to-the-issue shit-stirrers and BFFs. Riveting stuff here, guys. It was like a multimedia version of Making a Murderer, minus the attractive-in-a-DILF-way lawyers.

However, all US media outlets and pop news junkies were either trying to SLEEP or — on the west coast — attempting to “unplug” for the evening.

What you may not understand, celebrities, is that while you have a personal trainer to come monitor your squats in the comfort of your own home, us hard working people with regular jobs have to travel to gyms where they make us shut off our phones for the duration of the class. While you can sleep during odd hours of the day and spend your nights treating various social media outlets like your personal whine glasses (were you deprived of Live Journal as emo pubescents or something?), we are required to close our eyes for at least 360 P.M. minutes. What we ask is that you be more considerate of our working schedule — we who have to write about your drama, cover your scandals, fire up think pieces on your controversial lyrics and fill the endless cavities of the internet’s gaping mouth.

Consumers of your self-created content need more time to review, too. A friend of mine — both a celebri-fan and online editor — once went in for a massage on a Saturday after a long, hard week of SEO snatching only to come out at 4:00 P.M. and find that one of you released an epic biopic of presidential proportions. Her site’s competitor caught it first. Even worse: her group chat was already elbow deep in discussion. She was late.

Kindly remember all of this over the weekend as you grow weary in your lounge chair because you spent Monday through Friday napping or Snapchatting irrelevant coffee runs. It’s no one’s fault but your own that you’re boring during convenient press opportunities. Go for a walk this Friday evening. Take your yoga class on Sunday, not Thursday at noon, and do your fighting while we’re all actually at our computers or by our phones.

Please. For all our sakes and the best possible coverage.

Signed,

The Internet

Collages by Lily Ross.

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