So here I am, trying to find the sartorial sweet spot somewhere between something I’ve always thought was for the modelesque among us and, well, wearing what makes me happy.
Shimmy on down for lots of bad shimmy puns.
Put a Ruffle On ‘Em
This is the gateway drug. Place one big ruffle over your boobage, which should be hanging out under a bra-concealing t-shirt. Finding a ruffle the same size as your boobs is the key here. This crop top (if you can even call it that) is a Reformation size Medium. It fit my 32Gs perfectly, so there’s hope for anyone with an even bigger endowment than me.
Nope? Didn’t work for you? Try bringing a wide ruffled strip of fabric to your tailor and ask them to DIY this. (They’ll need to close up the ends and add an elastic for easy in-and-out access.)
Ease your way into the ruffle-verse by putting one on each arm. This gives you a peasant blouse, hippie-girl vibe, but without the stress of worrying that you look like a walking floof of fabric. (This is my own internalized fear; don’t let it project on your chest!)
But if you feel me, then…
Wear it with high-waist bottoms to make sure you still have one — you never know! — and you’re good to go.
Worried about losing your waist? Bend down periodically to help a stranger pick something up. Still able to hinge? You’re quite alright.
Put ‘Em on the Bottom
Ruffles on the bottom might just be more fun than boob ruffles. Think of all the twirling you can do! Think of all of the twirling I did before and after this picture was taken! A bodysuit or tight top is key here if you’re concerned about the aforementioned-floof. For me, the key to feeling confident in ruffles (and boobs, for that matter) is keeping them in balance: if ruffles are covering more than half of your body, let a little something else show. Preferably an elbow, but you do you.
If you have zero hang-ups beside the need for more ornaments, go double-decker and keep the ruffles climbing, like this lovely Giambattista Valli couture Christmas tree.
Bonus: The ! Emoji ! Dancer !
This is your chance: go full on emoji dancer. Red ruffles work on everyone, no matter your boobage, because as long as the dress is a party and you’re the one throwing it, you’ll look like a million sparkle ponies.
Early aughts clear heels and big earrings add some good more-is-more-is-more vibes. I prefer the ruffles big and away from my waist — this keeps my body looking like a body rather than a stack of ruffles, but, you know, again: if looking like a couture Christmas tree is your thing, you really should just go for it.
Oh! And hairy armpits are, as always, optional.
Feeling like you can tackle them now, too? Let’s fluff each other’s ruffles in the comments below.
Photographed by Juliette Kang.