Monthly Investment Math: One Acne Blazer and How to Pay For It

Fire up your oven because you’re about to start (GASP!) cooking food.


If there was a club for people who act like they can’t possibly afford expensive things and then spend exactly that amount on a bunch of random shit they don’t need, I would be president.

“$375 clogs?! Yeah, right!!!” I scream like a drunk witch as I complete five $75 online orders for cheap clothes I won’t wear and face creams I won’t like. It’s the shopping equivalent of feeling healthier for eating three brownie bites because “they’re basically crumbs!” instead of a giant one of the same cumulative size. Or cutting off a quarter of a donut because you “just want a little” only to return three more times.

It’s mental trickery!

If you, too, belong to this club, then have a seat and consider this our monthly meeting. Just don’t tell any psychologists we’re here or they might force us into a study on how and why people lie to themselves.

First, let’s recite our mantra: Our relationship with money is nonsensical and we must be stopped. First, so that we may save, and then, so that we may invest in well-made items if and when we want to.

Since saving is boring and we all know how to do that, let’s discuss investing and see if we can justify something outrageous. Like this really cool Acne blazer whose price tag would normally send our eyeballs careening north and our physical composure careening south. It’s $750.

You know that phantom tingle you’ve been feeling on your back? No, it’s not ASMR. It’s the fifth limb you didn’t know you were missing in the form of this blazer. And you want it so badly because it will work with your jeans and dresses alike because it’s simple but interesting and boyish but feminine and cooler than every pickle pre-vinegar you’ve ever met. The only thing its missing is a home that looks like your closet.


But how could you possibly pay for it? Grab a jelly pen and a glitter notebook because we’re about to do some math.


Step 1. Don’t buy that $135 pair of white leather sneakers in your cart because the sneakers you have are doing just fine and honestly they’re kind of going out of style anyway.

Saved: $135


Step 2. Do not buy that $75 jacket from Zara or H&M or Mango or Need Supply or ASOS or Nasty Gal because you really want a blazer but don’t want to pay a lot. And definitely don’t buy a second cheap one that doesn’t quite fit right because the first one ripped in the armpit after only five wears.

Saved: $150


Step 3. The next three times you intend to meet friends out for dinner, invite them to your house and cook together instead. It will be a bonding experience! And the groceries — if split — will cost you about $10 to the $40 you would have otherwise flushed down the toilet at a restaurant.

Saved: $30 x 3 = $90


Step 4. The next five times you want to call an Uber because you’re some combination of tired and lazy? Think about the Acne jacket and get the F on the Subway or start walking. It’s good for you!

Saved: $15 x 5 = $75


Step 5. The next ten times you go out for a drink, buy one less drink than you would otherwise. I swear you didn’t need it anyway! Maybe this takes you a week, maybe this takes you a month — I don’t know your life! Just do it.

Saved: $12 x 10 = $120


Step 6. You know that big-ass salad you buy for lunch Monday through Friday? You’re banned for the next month and required to eat your own leftovers. Sure, those leftovers probably contain $3ish of food, but DUH that’s cheaper than $12!

Saved :$9 x 20 = $180

Step 7. Buy the hell out of that blazer because, if you didn’t fail fifth grade math, you’ll know that you just…

Saved: $135 + $150 + $90 + $75 + $120 + $180 = YOU GUESSED IT! = $750

All those little bites of donut that might not have felt so bad at the time but also wouldn’t bring much to your life have now added up to a cool-as-fuq blazer you will cherish 4ever.

Meeting adjourned.

Feature collage by Emily Zirimis.


Get more Fashion ?
  • Emma Catherine

    Your brownie metaphor was so spot on that not only has it inspired me to save for investment pieces, it has also made me decide to get a brownie ASAP

    • Haley Nahman

      I like where you took this

  • Robin

    Haley this is SO funny. You’re probably also vice-presidenting the shit out of the metaphor-club (Amelia still wins this one noah fence)

    • Lillian

      omg I thought this WAS Amelia.

    • Haley Nahman


  • Beatrice

    “Screaming like a drunk witch” at expensive, beautiful stuff… Relatable.

    • Haley Nahman

      Right? I’m so annoying

  • hahaha oh my god this is amazing…and basically how i think

  • Pia Hocevar Mucic

    I should definitely more patient and concentrate on saving for quality clothes!
    Fash ‘n’ fudge
    Fash ‘n’ fudge

  • Stephanie Lloyd

    I would like to thank Haley for understanding my addiction to coffee and not making me sacrifice said addiction for fashion.

    • Haley Nahman

      Omg I thought about including a coffee sacrifice and was like sorry, self, but that is just not realistic…….

  • Diana

    I honestly repeatedly promise myself that i will stop buying fast fashion for the sake of expensive but prettier to look at (and longer to wear) pieces, but the college student in me is strong and somehow i manage to find myself in the mothership (Zara) every week. And who faces Zara on a Friday afternoon without an excessive amount of caffeine? TEA PEOPLE. Sadly I’m not one of them so I gotta pop into the Starbucks that’s right next to Zara. Currently looking at the Aquazzura website and hating myself for my caffeine/fast fashion dependency…

    • dinacfionc

      I presently profit within the vary of 6-8 thousand greenbacks on monthly for freelancing i do from my home. those that square measure wanting to try to to basic on-line jobs for 2-5hrs each day from comfort of your home and create valuable check whereas doing it… this is often employment for you…Learn additional regarding it here…

  • prairie_dogs

    Definitely buying Kamm pants thanks to this math! ??

    • Kelly

      OH I REALLY WANT KAMM PANTS!!! I’m definitely using some fashion math to justify them.

  • skyfall53

    This upcoming korean drama: ‘UncontrollablyFond’ will introduce us to the loose-fitting style fashion!!!

  • Kate

    Interestingly this math lesson helped me to understand that $750 is a @#$$ tonne more than I thought it was. I choose lunch! I choose ubers!

    • kate

      Not least because I once went to a Swedish girl’s garage sale and it was full of season old acne items that were totally fuqed. It was an upsetting experience.

  • Damn it, was reading this cause I wanna splurge on the white Common Projects sneakers. We’ll, You kind of killed me in step 1 already 😀 Will have a brownie to get over it…

  • Annette

    ‘If there was a club for people who act like they can’t possibly afford expensive things and then spend exactly that amount on a bunch of random shit they don’t need, I would be president.’ — particularly, spend the same amount in target. The rule of equivalence perfectly depicted in this video, Haley:

  • Liz Sunshine

    This thought process is already in motion. After a holiday in Japan I bought myself a pair of Chanel loafers instead of a heap of souvenir stuff I never would have opened anyway… I’m in 100% agreeance. I also forego daily Chai’s to save my pennies for justifiable fashion purchases!!! xxx

  • Francis

    My friends think I’m crazy cause I’m saving for 900 euro Saint Laurent boots – but this is totally my mentality to afford them. Thank you for backing me up!

  • EmilyWilson

    I love the spirit of this article…but I’m afraid I must dissent. Second drinks, big salads, and meeting friends out for dinner are the ways I keep myself motivated and mentally balanced. For me, those small-but-significant life upgrades make me happier overall than a blazer would. Even a really, really nice one.

  • Amadee Stenzel

    For me splurging is buying a $40 jacket on sale haha