Monocycle: Episode 26
Not Pregnant
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This week’s episode of Monocycle is so personal that when I listened back to it, I couldn’t recognize the voice. It sounded a lot like mine — same tone and affectations — but was also kind of timid and frazzled and confused and definitely vulnerable. So much of the stuff that is said sounds to me like fractures of the way I think: longer circuits cut short by distress, but the reason I wanted to publish it is because it’s important.

It’s important to share what I’m going through while I’m in it as opposed to sharing once I’ve overcome it — after I’ve been able to put the experience in a box and wrap it in fancy words and call it a first person essay, because this is real life, right? And between the inspiring stories of victory and triumph that emerge out of despair and the road blocks that life throws in our tracks in an attempt to derail us, there is the very real question of, “But what do I do NOW? To make myself feel better in the present? While I’m still going through it?”

I don’t have a profound answer, but sometimes, it seems, just sharing is enough.

Monocycle is edited by Nicholas Quazzy Alexander; Logo illustration by Kelly Shami; photograph by Paper Boat Creative. 


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  • Lizzie31

    Leandra, I listen to your podcast every week! I love your candid voice because I can relate it so much back to my own. I just finished this one, I feel for you immensely. My heart is so heavy for you, I cried in my cube. Sending you positive thoughts. Keeping fighting.

  • Stephanie

    Sending you a virtual hug. I am so sorry.

  • Jasmine Pseat

    This is so real. Thank you for sharing your story so candidly. It’s been 2 and a half years for us”trying” unsuccessfully. Endometriosis is shite. I want more than anything to be a mom, so I understand your sadness. This episode is really touching.

    • Leandra Medine

      Have you listened to Padma Lakshmi’s appearance on Buzzfeed’s podcast, Another Round? Highly recommended

      • Jasmine Pseat

        I have not. I’ll definitely have a listen. Thanks for the recommendation!

  • Olga

    Leandra, I am so sorry for the way you’re feeling. Would give you a big hug right now.
    Just had an IVF this Monday and am in the anxious awaiting period to see the outcome…Thank you, because you put into words the fears and emotions I could never say out loud.
    Hope you find the strength and support to keep trying! Lots of love

  • Sarah Black

    You are such an honest and refreshing commentator on life – even with such hard moments as this one, which was so graciously and courageously shared.


  • Amy

    Everything is going to be fine – sending you so much love and light!

  • Linnea

    Hi Leandra, I just want to thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel about this f****ing shit experience of trying to get pregnant. With every passing month my heart breaks a little bit more and I feel so scared, alone and useless. Thank you so much for sharing and I truly hope that you and me both will get to trade wine for juice really, really soon. You are not alone- let’s hang in there together.

  • CBS

    Everything will be ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.

    • CBS

      Fernandinho Sabino

      • CBS


  • notumathurman

    This is the shittiest ever. I’ve been through it and it’s so shitty. You will hate yourself and you will hate everything. But it will be OK. I’m a mom now and you will be one too.

  • Quinn Halman

    אם תרצו אין זו אגדה

  • Janet Hanson

    I found your podcast very moving and brought back many feelings from when I went through IVF (it took four years to become pregnant and you remind me how lucky I am). The emotions around infertility are so visceral, painful and unexpected because nothing really prepares you for it (I speak for myself at least). They were described to me as akin to grief in some respects in particular the anger which I found to be quite disturbing in its force. Your child will come to you, keep believing. It’s really, really tough not knowing how or when. You are very courageous to share your emotions in such a raw state.

    • Amy Mills

      That’s a really beautiful way of putting it – not “you will get pregnant” but “your child will come to you”

      • Janet Hanson

        Sweet of you to say so. Although maybe its hard to think of a child when all you really want is a baby.

  • Ilayda

    Though i never met you personally i feel this amazing connection to you. Your energy just radiates through your voice and posts. Please try to stay positive Sending you positive thoughts Leandra. You’re so loved!

  • Amy Mills

    Hi Leandra I love everything you’ve built – MR is pretty much the coolest content to come out in the public domain since the invention of the internet. But if you want to put it on pause or halt it’s growth (who needs outside funding, anyway? VC is too trendy) or shift away from it – we’re all here for you. Sending happy warm wishes. x

  • you’re the best thing to happen to women since suffrage.

  • BK

    Oh Leandra, I’m so so sorry it didn’t work this time and I hope you get pregnant ASAP next time. Not only to prevent you from going through this all over again, but because you (despite admittedly being technically a stranger to me who I’ve only ever seen in pixelated form) are so brave and clever, with a great big heart, and I think you’d be a wonderful mother. Your comment about the nurse and the specialists all coming in on their Sunday to help you get pregnant is proof of how much you think of others, and is there anything more motherly than thinking of others? I hope my support helps you feel a little less run down, even if only for a minute. Take care of yourself and keep soldiering on. And have that glass of wine!

  • Luarnaiz

    My dearest Leandra, how did you get so strong? You have no idea, how much you’ve helped us all by teaching us about honesty.

    This is not my story, yet I relate to every word. Thank you for creating this open space that has allowed us to not be perfect. To even be broken sometimes.

    I don’t have a lot of words for you right now, but definitely wanted to thank you for being so brave.

  • Heather Chester

    It’ll happen, Leandra. It’ll happen. xox

  • Word

    This seriously brought tears to my eyes. My mom couldn’t have children so she adopted my sister and I. Listening to you speak so candidly about your experience opened my eyes to some of the things my mother went through in this process. Thank you for being so honest. I’m sending good thoughts to your doctor, your family & you. Stay strong in your hope, lean on your husband & don’t give up, you will be a fantastic mom!

  • Grace

    Leandra, sending love! It will happen for you and when it does we will all be so excited for you!! sending good vibes your way xx

  • Kelly

    This really got me. I wish you so much happiness.
    The baby will come x

  • Billy Anderson

    Its really good to read your fab story.. Feeling inside.. Like it at most…
    Billy (Red Payday loans online canada)

  • Ellie

    Sending you so much love <3 you deserve that wine and sushi girl. I really hope you treated yourself to something xxx

  • Victoria

    Leandra, thank you so much for sharing and being so so honest. I can’t even relate to what you’re going through, yet my eyes teared up because sadness is sadness, and that I can relate to. Sending much love and good juju your way.

    • Victoria

      I hesitated to recommend this book, but I have read it, weirdly more in prep of thinking when I’m ready to try…anyways, I’m going to just send the link. I don’t agree with everything in it, but the framework made a lot of sense to me…and if you do end up perusing it, take what feels true and makes sense to you. I don’t think there is one plan, one way, or one method on how to go about something like this.

  • Renata

    I admire you so much for sharing this. I always thought of you as this strong and powerful woman and it’s good to see that, even in this moment, sharing all your doubts and things that makes you scared you remain that powerful person. I wish you all the best, Leandra. Thanks for inspiring this reader from Brazil. 🙂

  • Luxe Lis

    Hey Ms. Manrepeller! I have a dear loved one that could not get his wife pregnant. It turns out his sperm was too slow to enter the egg. They tried for years. They settled on adoption…that was another long traumatic chapter too. The paperwork, the interview adoption process, the house inspections, then just before they were about to FINALLY get their chance to travel to the country where the baby resided….The adoption center closed the borders on adopting there. HEART BREAKING. SO many things can go left turn. Even natural births can go haywire too…premature babies weighing 800 grams! NOT trying to discourage you. Just have faith and enjoy your life anyway. Life is short… be good to yourself. Sending you strength, love and light.

  • It is so appreciated that you are sharing this incredibly personal and intimate journey. A lot of women don’t understand how difficult it can be to become pregnant. Those stories of a baby being conceived on the first try are not the norm. We need more stories like this so that those of us having issues trying to have a baby don’t feel alienated. We all need to understand and be open-minded to the different journeys of arriving at motherhood.

    Everything WILL be fine – you are so very strong.

    All the virtual hugs,

  • Amy Bondeson

    This broke my heart for you….I too have been through the rollercoaster of IVF and my last round was successful only to be following by a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks, then two natural pregnancies that also ended in miscarriages….the pain is so unlike anything (I lost my father at 20 and it is so differerent from even that type of grief). My gentle advice is to breathe a little in between cycles….let yourself grieve….let yourself heal….let yourself feel….otherwise all that unprocessed emotion can pop back up in other ways. Nurture your marriage….nurture yourself….rest….find your footing again….you will, but let yourself have the time.

  • Your story is so incredibly moving, sending you nothing but positive vibes Leandra!

  • Julia

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. I just went through an opposite crisis. Someone impregnated me on purpose and against my wishes. I considered adoption for a couple of days, and although I am strongly pro-life, I wished I’d known I was pregnant early enough for an easy abortion. For a while I refused to push in the delivery room, thinking if only I could explain to the nurse. My last words before he was born were, ” But I don’t want to have a baby!” I was terrified that I would not be able to love my son as much as I loved my other kids, that I might not even like him, and at the same time I was determined that I was going to love him and champion for him like nothing else. Knowing that so many women would do anything to get pregnant helped me to get through my unwanted pregnancy. Those moments of fear, irrational thoughts, self-blame, anger at others, feeling ashamed and embarrassed, those emotional experiences are the same whether you are desperate to have a baby or desperately wish that you were not pregnant. In the end, you will do what you are determined to do, and you will create your own peace. I fell hard for my son, and I would gladly go through hell to have him in my life. He is all the more precious for the hardship. It’s hard now, but when your little one arrives, you will feel amazing. Be compassionate and patient and kind with yourself (and your uterus!) while you go through the hard times. You are a strong woman and you will be a great mom.

    • Leandra Medine

      THANK YOU for sharing this.

  • sharon

    I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. Difficulty in conceiving a child is an invisible loss, as we are grieving something that has not happened yet, which can make it all the more painful. It is a loss of a future that one always imagined would happen, and grief for that future possibly not coming into being is a terrible grief. I also have been there, and have come through the other side after trying with IVF. Know that the chances increase with each round, and I am wishing you all the luck in the world when and if you decide to move forward. For me, taking a step back from work and career needed to happen for this to be successful, because getting pregnant is truly like another job. Take the time you need. We (your fans) will be here when you return.

  • Andy

    sometimes our lady parts let us down hey. my heart breaks for you but keep plugging along and don’t give up the fight!

  • Ann

    <3 <3 <3 Sending lots of love to you + your husband! Your child will come to you, sooner or later!

  • Marianne Chateauneuf

    Don’t give yourself a hard time, you are such an inspiration. The fact that you share these things with us is priceless, I admire you so much for that
    Love & support from France

  • Caroline Williams

    Hey love. My friend went through hardcore infertility and blogged it throughout – it is hilarious, honest and full of REALLY useful information as she went through five IVF cycles. She has three children now. Hope it helps.

  • Little Edie

    Another fan here, and another IVF-er. And I can’t tell you how much this means to hear your voice on this experience. We women who have to work at pregnancy carry so much guilt and so much shame that is not ours, and that is in fact none of our business to carry, but we often do it anyway. And we do it silently and alone. I mean, how many people have given you “helpful” advice that boils down to telling you what you are doing wrong? “Eat more,” “eat less,” “exercise more,” “exercise less,” and my favorite, “just think about it less.” But even though we’re used to talking about it with all of these active verbs (“we’re trying,” “I’m working on having a baby”), it is not actually a problem for us to solve (or a judgment on our bodies’ fitness), it is simply a medical fact. I’m on the other side now, but I have nothing useful to tell you except that you get to feel however the fuck you feel about it, and you get to decide how to express those feelings. But remember that the shame is not yours. Someone is giving it to you, and you also have the right to reject it. We’re all going to be okay.

  • Laura Anne Gardner

    Thank you thank you for sharing this. It’s so real, vulnerable, and beautiful. Sending you love.

  • You have put into words so many emotions that I have been feeling while trying to get pregnant. Thank you for sharing your story as you are going through it and not
    when you have “all the answers” because those raw emotions are what make
    it so real. I’m sorry you are going through this, and my heart breaks along with
    you. I will be routing for you and your husband as I know the toll it
    takes on every aspect of life. I wish I could give you a hug, because I know words cannot give you the comfort you need. Sending you love!

  • Cheng

    the more you want desperately the lower pregnant possibility. just get relax and enjoy the process with your love. It will happen when it is.

  • Tiffany

    Thank you for sharing your story at such raw timing. I, too, am currently going through my first IVF cycle. The fact that you’re so motivated and not willing to give up, is so inspiring. If I were to get sad news, I hope that I’m able to handle it the same way as you. Thank you again for sharing. It really means more than you know.

  • Lady Grinning Soul

    Dear Leandra,
    As you hear you talk about your desire to be a mother I can feel it… You are already one. Your baby will come.
    It took me two painful years to get pregnant with my first child.
    One of my closest friends took about four years to get pregnant with her child. She lost her first, she did every single thing in the book. Docs said it was impossible for her.
    She tried once more, with the help of homeopathy. She got pregnant and has a gorgeous baby now.
    BE STRONG. You will be fine, and you will have your baby. Keep swimming, as Dory would say.

  • Carley

    You are incredible. Thank you for inviting us into this deeply personal, vulnerable experience. Thinking of you. If vibes and energy and the transportation of love exists, I’m doing that for you.

    PS – I want to work for you.

  • Julia


  • RitaB

    You’re amazing and you will get pregnant! I thought u were already awesome as you were but this was so raw and real that you skyrocketed in my esteem. I think we all deal with some sort of issue that we think is unresolvable (not even sure thats a word) but in the end, everything works out, it’s just a matter of being positive and especially patient.
    Sending you love and positive vibes.

  • Vera

    Hi Leandra,

    I am going through a similar situation right now. My husband has testicular cancer and we are trying to get pregnant. Don’t be angry. It will happen. Stay relaxed, focused, know it is coming.

    Good vibes,


  • Candice

    Thank you very much for sharing. Of course I’d love to help and for you not to be hurt but how, what with. So sending you the only thing I know..

  • Hi Leandra! I’m so sorry for what you’re going through… I’m sure you’re trying everything and reading everything on the subject. I have an autoimmune disease that affects my hormones and one of my go-to sources for information and optimism—because he really believes anything can be cured or reversed with the right tools—is Chris Kresser. He has a few articles on fertility and hormones, here are two of them:
    I’m sure you will overcome this, and thank you for sharing and being so honest!

  • Megan W

    Every month I didn’t get pregnant I died a little. Friends where getting pregnant on accident and I was more and more depressed. Like you said, now I can look back on the journey and speak about it with wisdom and perspective. But I remember the total chaos and feeling of failure I lived with daily. it took me just under a year. Take care of yourself. Sendings you hope.

  • Lynn

    Thanks for this and your honesty. Really. It helps to hear you say what I feel again each month. I wish you lots of strength and the courage to hold on. Take care of yourself; whether that entails sushi and wine or not. Sending you love

  • rachel

    This kind of thing is so hard. Due to a really intense bout of chemo when I was in high school I am now infertile, and even though I never thought I wanted kids, now that I am getting older it is hard not to even have the option. Man, we all have our stuff, don’t we. Sending you all my best thoughts!

  • meme

    You are so brave and honest. Sending lots and lots of love <3

  • Cas

    How do i save this podcast inifinitely? Dearest Leandra, I know that feeling all too well. Two years I spent nudging myself forward, just one more step each day. Infertility consumes you.
    I do have a personal statistic that may help you out today. Probably not everyday, just a little rush of positive thinking; 100% of the women I spoke with who also went throught IVF did not pregnant the first round. 100% of those same women did get pregnant by the third round. I was told to think of my first cycle as the beginning of my ivf journey. Also, write down a vision of your future family and put it in your back pocket. Hell, stick it in your undies.
    Thank you for sharing such a vulnerable moment in your life, and describing it so perfectly. I am rooting for you.

  • You’re right, everything is gonna be alright. Hopefully you’ll have your baby(ies). I’m sending you positive vibes. Also, don’t let anger win. Xx

  • Allie Fasanella

    wow leandra, this was really moving. i appreciate your raw honesty so much. i KNOW you’re gonna be okay! and you will have a baby. i can only imagine, from hearing your words how frustrating this must be for you and Abie. as lame as it sounds, i’m sending you all the positive vibes and love. and i think you’re going to be an AMAZING mom!

  • Nicole V


  • Lauren

    I’ve been traveling and therefore haven’t been able to look at manrepeller for a few days. SO glad i scrolled back to this post. My husband and I are coming up on a year of trying, and i feel all these feelings so deeply.

    My main goal has been managing expectations and trying to be positive, but I can’t help but gut-check if that is where my head should be. Every month that it doesn’t happen I am told “heyyy at least you can have a marg!” I know that’s supposed to help, but after the 10th time it’s hardly a fair trade off : /

    All that being said-it will be fine. For both of us. For all of us. Thanks for the bravery. I find that I can be honest about it when it’s brought up, but try to avoid it because I can hardly get the words out without tapping into the pool of self blame. So thanks 🙂

  • Jen D.

    For you to share something so deeply emotional and personal is inspirational, useful, and insightful. Thank you for this. Just wondering, with all do respect, as someone your age (an ’88 baby) is there a reason you’re doing this via IVF? I always believed this to only be helpful for older women trying to conceive. Is there something I should be worried about/know myself as a 27 (soon to be 28) year old?

  • Erika Galan

    Everything will be ok.
    Erika (passionate follower since the beginning)

  • Sasha

    Leandra – thank you for your honesty and your courage. I’ve been through this and it was the hardest thing I’d ever gone through – the depth of my hopelessness and despair was shocking to me, and certainly not understood by my family and friends. Long story short: I went through three cycles of IVF, and we now have 7 year-old twins. The pain, the expense, the sorrow – all of it was worth it and I genuinely think it has made me a better mother because I had to truly fight for it. I too had implantation problems (eggs were fine). I did a LOT of research into this and ended up switching clinics because the first clinic didn’t ‘believe’ in certain treatments. My new clinic, which had the best success rates in the area, did believe in these treatments (IViG, steroids, etc.) and my body responded in a totally different way, i.e. I was pregnant, and stayed pregnant. I wish you all of the best. You seem like a strong person, and advocating for yourself in these situations is so important.

  • Briana

    Bless you. You are such a gift. And what a gift to know so well what you want. The answer to this challenge is out there. It just hasn’t revealed itself yet. You will know with your whole being when it does. ❤️

  • Thank you for doing this. I’m sure theres thousands of women out there, in your exact same situation and listening to this will help make them feel less alone. And hopefully all their comments will make you feel like your feelings are valid (because they are) and your confusion is, too. Take your time to process, and though the “It will be ok” sounded like an attempt at self-persuasion, it will be. Just trust it will be.

  • Ana Lourdes Borquez Schwarzbec

    Leandra, thank you. I am sorry that you have to go thru this hard time. You will be a mother and you will look back at this time as part of your unique journey. But in the mean time your genuineness and your voice gives purpose to your journey. You have given me a lot of perspective in the decision to have a family, and that is just the way you inspired me. I can see by the comments that many women from many countries have been inspired by your podcast.
    Many women go through this process and are now moms, because of your strong voice among many women and that you have chosen to share your experience with such transparency, your journey has a great meaning while that moment, that will come, arrives. Best,

  • Anna

    Dear Leandra,

    Making a child and carrying it is not just science, or you would already be pregnant. You have already accomplished the first steps to building a loving family – the one you created with your husband. The second, is that as you say, you are ready to give up anything for your child, which is maternal instinct making you shift your priorities to another level. I think the final step to get pregnant is to let your heart fill with love, pure and endless love that conquers all and crushes doubts, worries, stress and anxiety which are toxic for your body and thus for such a fragile and mysterious thing as conception. This might sound very abstract, but its not. I mean it literally. Last but not least, this love you are filled with to the point that you are ready to pass it on by teaching love and kindness as you said, that is God. Pray to God for Him to give you a child, pray for Him to grace you with patience and if that is His will, you will be pregnant in no time. You can use as much technology and medical help as you like, but without the help of God, it is worthless.

  • Butterlings


  • caroline

    This moved me to tears because everything you said is exactly how I feel. We have unexplained infertility. We’ve been trying to conceive for two years. We just did our first IUI a few weeks ago and everything went according to plan but it didn’t take. Infertility is such an emotional roller coaster. We will have to move on to ivf as soon as we can afford it. It has been emotionally and physically hard on us. But we keep fighting the good fight. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for this child of mine that hasn’t even been born yet. My heart goes out to you, None of us are as alone in this as we feel.<3

  • Tamar Daniel

    Hey- You’re a brave chick. So two years ago I carried a baby for a couple who had been going through heartbreaking trouble. I was able to carry their beautiful baby girl safely in to the world and hand her back to them. If Surrogacy becomes a piece of your journey I’d be glad to chat. We worked together with a great Dr. in PA. Keep the faith Sista.

  • lauren

    I am a two-time IVF’er…and loved listening to this. Trust your gut, do what makes you happy, follow that inner voice deep down inside…it will let you know when and how your baby will find you. Sometimes you just know it won’t work, and it doesn’t…and others, your gut will tell you and you will feel something different, and it will STICK and work. Can’t explain it – but like you said, listen to your gut, stay calm, stay the course, and most importantly – DO NOT GIVE UP. Infertility is a small portion of this very long battle we call child rearing – like you said, it starts when you WANT to become a parent – that is sot true! It only gets more emotional and more scary when you are pregnant and then when you have the child. This is just the start of your journey – you will be a mom and this small time of your life will be put aside and you’ll fall into the next category of “worried parent”. XOXO

  • Nesle

    Thank you for sharing this. I am pregnant and not so exitied all the time, thank you really.

  • Jesse Kadjo

    I listened to this and my heart was breaking. I cannot know how sad you feel but know that I am praying for you and Abie as you navigate through this difficult time. The emotional rawness is palpable. I have many friends going through this right now and have so appreciated hearing your story. Thank you for letting us in and trusting us with your truth.

  • Alicia Catherine

    thank you for your’ll be a great mother one day. hang in there <3

  • Ali Horowitz

    Would hate myself if I didn’t respond. Went through my own fertility journey years ago and listening to you makes it feel like it was yesterday. I’m sure you get a ton of advice, etc but I learned ( after years of trying and loss) that my body needed certain things in order for me to stay pregnant. Not sure if you have heard of dr Jonathon Scher in NYC on upper east but he changed my life. I have two children bc of him and have sent countless friends who have had success also. Wishing you all the best in this journey. Don’t give up.

  • Fiona Brennan

    Thank you for this

  • I’m so sorry Leandra! But don’t give up! Sending hugs 🙂

  • paulina

    this is my first time listening to your podcast after following your site for a while.. just wanting to say thinking of you and your husband and wishing you all the best

  • Fiona Ruth

    My heart goes out to you & your husband, fertility treatment is a pretty brutal journey at times. I have gone through IVF and had success after 2 implants, I now have 2 beautiful little girls. Listening to your podcast took me back to so many of those intense, painful emotions but the most incredible was the elation and relief of holding my girls the first time. I will believe and pray that you will, very soon hold your baby in your arms and the hope you feel will be turned to joy.

  • Hi Leandra,

    It is so touching to hear your voice with all of your genuine feelings. I had 2 miscarriage in last 6 months. I was so devastated in the second one. Because I actually hear the heart beat of the second baby. I had all the feelings at the same time. Fear, exhaustion, embarrassment, relief, emptiness… Even tough there is no baby in your life, you have that huge emptiness in your mind in your body in your future when you lost it.

    Thank you so much for sharing, I feel like I am not alone.

    And I applaud you for being super positive. I believe your are going to be mommy soon.

    • JennyR

      Hi Alley Girl,
      We’re in the same situation, I’ve had two miscarriages in 6 months, the first was missed at 6 weeks and the second was 12 weeks. That hit me much harder, I’d felt much more hopeful and connected. I go from being hopeful to hopeless and back, it’s tough.

      Leandra, thanks so much for your honesty and bravery. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. I’m trying to say hopeful and positive and I wish you every success and happiness. So many of us suffer trying to get and stay pregnant, having you being so open is so so helpful. Thanks

      • Thank you Jenny,

        For sharing it. In the beginning I was kind of afraid of the idea having baby after 2 miscarriages. But now I feel normal.

  • Maria123

    This was beautiful, real, and so well articulated. It takes so much strength to open up about your fertility journey and you have gifted us with an incredible podcast this week.

  • Jo

    Leandra, I cried listening to this. We have been trying to conceive for a year and a half now. This journey has been so lonely and filled with intense sadness. Thank you so much for sharing this.
    Sending you love and strength from Singapore.

  • yozhits

    I’m crying, I send you a hug, and kisses, and chocolates, and love, all my love.

  • Andrea L

    sending you some love <3

  • sleepingonsnow

    Yo – IVF baby here. I don’t have anything to say other than, we’re real, we’re here and we’re very thankful our parents kept trying. I actually think my parents and I have a special connection, and I think I have a special gratitude for them, that comes from the knowledge that my mom had to stick needles in herself to have me. I know without a shadow of a doubt that I was wanted, and that’s a blessing. There are unique blessings that come from being a child of IVF, it’s not just some troublesome start that my parents had to get through. It feels part of my identity, part of the identity of my family, and I wouldn’t trade it.

  • Grace71

    Leandra- thank you so much for sharing. I went through two years of doctors and meetings before somehow becoming pregnant with my daughter. After that, thought I wouldn’t feel the same inescapable guilt that it was my fault, or that I wouldn’t have that pang every time someone told me they were pregnant the very first time they magicked the thought of a child. Unfortunately, it is a pain that is just too deep- thank you for being so raw and articulating the inarticulable. I’m rooting for you!

  • Ellie Kousouli

    Leandra I know what you are going through right now seems like the biggest challenge you have ever faced…
    I know that after every disappointment you want to call it quits.
    But I know, deep in my heart that you will ALWAYS find that EXTRA level of energy , that EXTRA level of strength , MUCH NEEDED, to become a mother very soon…!
    Because you are ready, like you said ….
    And that for me, coming out of experience, IS MOTHERHOOD .
    Hang in there, soon you won’t remember the struggle, you will ONLY cherish the outcome!
    ❤️❤️❤️???greetings from sunny Greece….

  • Eve

    Everything is gonna be alright… Because why wouldn’t it be alright, right? You deserve to be a mummy, and soon you will. After my miscarriage I felt so empty and guilty and sad, it took a while to heal. I took a while to heal. But in the end it turned out fine, I had a babygirl two weeks ago. And I am sure you will hold your baby soon too, Leandra. Sending you the very best.

  • julie

    the only thing I would add to this account is, at your closing, ‘signing off of this episode, Leandra Medine, woman of strength and wisdom.’

  • Anouska

    We found out yesterday that our second cycle of ivf had failed. I had to go to work this morning with the heaviest heart and carry on as if nothing had happened. Listening to this struck such a chord. You articulated everything I am feeling exactly. After stumbling across this this morning, I had to listen to it again when I came home. It’s helped just listening…I held the tears back all day but have just let the damn burst. I too am exhausted from this journey…I truly wish you the best of luck next time round, sending you big love…Noo. X

  • Laura

    I am going through a very similar journey and struggle right now. It makes you feel so alone, and hopeless. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I keep telling myself that the way I feel now will change. But it is SO hard. Knowing I’m not alone and hearing your story gives me courage. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  • Janice

    Thank you so much for this raw and incredibly accurate response to a failed IVF. I’ve been through three failed IUIs, 1 failed IVF, 2 canceled FET of our only (untested) embryo. I’m about to try FET again for the 3rd time, and I am SO OVER IT. This podcast episode was brutal and heart-wrenching, and I found myself shaking my head in total agreement at the unfairness of it all. It super sucks and people have no clue how much it sucks unless they’ve been through it themselves. Thank you for so honestly and elegantly sharing your experience.

  • Marie Munk

    You are so freaking cool Leandra. Thank you for this, I know for a fact that it will help many many woman (and men) in the same situation. Thoughts and much respect from Denmark!

  • ReinaG

    Don’t worry Leandra your baby is in there. Just like you had to be ready to be a mom that little soul has to be ready too. You can do this! #sisepuede

  • Samantha McKay

    Thank you so much for sharing. You’re doing women such an important service by opening up the dialogue and making it OK to talk about this shit. You’ll be an epic parent and even if you’re not, you’re an epic person. Stay strong and keep talking! X

  • jiggahava

    This made me cry. It was so heartfelt and true. My heart goes out to you Leandra.

  • Lys

    Leandra thank you for openly talking about this. We actually had lunch together many years ago before either of us knew that we would ever share this hardship. I started trying 3 years ago and only recently started getting pregnant but after two miscarriages I can’t help but think, WHY ME! And secretly hate every new mother in my life. There’s a part of me, that I’m not proud of, that hopes that they too will know this hardship. In the past woman suffered with this in the dark and now FUCK IT say it! I’m not getting pregnant. I’m pissed. I suffered a loss and had to have my guts ripped out of me via a D&C. For so many years we as woman have had to hide the shame. I’m not ashamed, there’s nothing I could do or have done differently. And I guess we’ll just have to keep moving forward. And it is sad, I’m sad and I don’t have to pretend that I’m happy all the time. Thank you again Leandra, you’re going to be a mother one day. And so will I. It’s the hardest thing in the world for me to visualize right now but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.

  • carol johnson

    Hi Leandra, I went through 6 IVFs and had 2 beautiful babies. I know the routine is soul sucking but after listening to your podcast I felt I needed to reach out and give you emotional support. Please try to relax (the hardest thing to do) as stress works against us and our bodies. I also stayed in bed for a week, (a friend’s suggestion) I wanted to give the embryos the best chance to implant….It was really hard but it worked for me.

    I also have friends that went through many IVFs, finally had a baby and then went on to have 2 freebies (babies without IVF) as I like to call them. So hang in there we are all here for you!

  • Laura

    Oh, Leandra. I am feeling with you. I was pregnant with twins, but we just found out that one of them stopped developing. And while my doctors treat it as something normal and usual, I wish they would at least acknowledge it as a loss. When they say things like don’t worry it will be absorbed in a short time, I feel like screaming. At one point we were expecting twins, and now there is only one. I’m sorry, I’m writing it out here, but I can’t tell anyone around me. I know that I owe this baby a happy pregnancy, but we have no idea how could things go back to normal, or how will this endless sorrow ever disappear.
    And I’m terrified that when this one baby is here, we will always feel, that the other twin is missing.

  • Lulu

    Everything is gonna be alright, you are not alone <3

  • Roshni Mathew

    I live in India and I love your blog and you Leandra. This podcast summed up my own experience with multiple failed attempts at getting pregnant. As I heard you share what reflected my own experiences I broke down and cried. I get angry too when I think of the cysts in my ovaries and how the doctors write me off. But I’ve grown to be optimistic and have determined to be patient through this. Like you said – it’s going to be ok. Thank you for sharing this. Made me feel less alone in my predicament. You are awesome.

  • Ali

    Thank you for sharing this story. I stumbled upon your podcast today, just two days after I found out my FET failed. I felt like I was listening to a recording of myself. I just so happened to have had a glass of wine and ordered sushi for my husband and I that night (which also happened to be his birthday. Worst. Present. Ever.). We experienced a miscarriage after our first round of IVF (fresh cycle) at 9 weeks, which was incredibly painful. But, oddly enough, this was somehow easier to handle. Don’t get me wrong, we’re absolutely devastated, but we haven’t lost our drive to push through the pain. I, much like you, am going to do “whatever the hell it takes” to make this happen. Best of luck to you and your husband.

  • Sarah

    Hi Leandra,

    I want to thank you for being so candid about your struggle with IVF. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to hear someone discuss their experience so candidly. I had a miscarriage this year and the despair and disappointment is something that I’m only beginning to grasp eight and a half months later. And while I find it helps me to talk about my experience, other peoples’ discomfort with the subject often prevents me from doing so. It was the loneliest feeling that I’ve ever had. Even though my husband lost the same baby that I did, it was my body that went through the physical symptoms, the leftover hormones, the ongoing pregnancy symptoms after the d&c that painfully removed the sad little embryo that never was. He recovered emotionally in a couple of weeks, but it’s taken me thousands of dollars in therapy (that I’m not sure how I’m going to pay for) and a forced leave from work (due to my “negative attitude”) to finally begin to feel like myself again. Your words have helped me to dispel the loneliness and to remember that everything is, in fact, going to be ok. I can’t thank you enough. Please know that there are so many women out there living your story, and so many others who can relate to it on a chillingly real level. I wish you and your husband the very best of luck with your pursuit of parenthood. I’m sure you’ll be great.

  • sj

    From a fellow IVF’er who just went through an unsuccessful cycle, thank you. Hearing yours and others stories is helping me get through this. No one except us knows how hard it is. It is grief. It is painful. Thanks for your honesty.

  • You WILL have your baby!!

    You are so brave for letting your listeners in on this experience. You WILL get pregnant, and it will be a beautiful pregnancy and it will be positive all the way through!! And at the end of 40 very special weeks you will have YOUR baby. Know this every single day and it will come!!

  • Veronica Bucher

    Such an inspiration to us girls, thank you.