I am a huge Outdoor Voices fan but I have a problem with their tagline: “Doing Things.” I hate doing things. I once watched an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker with the television set turned off because I couldn’t bother to look for the remote. The reason I don’t cook is because I find it bothersome to have to repeatedly return to the kitchen from wherever I might be perusing Instagram to “check on the oven.” Of course, these are things in the home — I hate doing things outside my apartment even more. Errands.
Running errands triggers some sort of childhood PTSD: my worst memories involve being dragged to the post office and then the bank and then grocery story and then the garden center at Home Depot. Growing up in San Francisco, all errands were run on foot because, “Why take the car when you have two perfectly good legs and two wonderfully strong arms, plus public transportation?” Uh…a million reasons. Child labor being one of them?
Accompanying my dad on errands while visiting him in the summer was even more intolerable. Though short trips to the drugstore around the corner warranted use of the car, it didn’t matter. It was the summer. 12-year-olds are super busy in the summer! I did not have time to field remarks at ShopRite or Bed, Bath & Beyond by my dad’s colleagues about “how big” I’d grown!
Who does, really?
Celebrities, it turns out. Which makes sense.
Celebrities love running errands. Hard workers, I am sure, in whatever vocation it is that brings them fame, most celebrities labor during non-traditional hours that allow them a dramatic amount of vacant calendar space to do stuff like pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy. They have all the sunlight in the world to cross things off their to-do list.
I: put off grocery shopping until I’m forced to relive the scene where Mickey Mouse rations a single bean in Disney’s 1947 version of Jack and the Giant Beanstalk.
During Britney Spears’ emotional sabbatical, she went to the gas station for provisions more times than I did when I actually drove a car. The genie bottle flashed on my stupid Saturn’s dashboard for three months before I finally made an appointment with a mechanic.
Kanye West was recently all up in the Container Store* not because he had to be, but because he wanted to be, and here you can clearly see Miley Cyrus carrying a CVS bag of what I’m gonna assume is a fresh batch of conditioner and shampoo. Must be nice. Those of us with “real jobs” don’t have the luxury of fitting this in. We suck it up and use Neutrogena face wash in our hair for a week, don’t we?
Then we waste our precious weekends running around, doing things.
Sure, you would think that celebrities are so famous they have personal assistants to do their daily biddings. But this is similar to how teen royalty in rom-coms “just want to be like everyone one.” Errands help celebs feel normal and get a grip on reality.
Allow me to help, then: Jessica Simpson! Small favor to ask. Do you mind picking up my dry cleaning?
*Unconfirmed. I just assume it was the Container Store because where else besides Bed, Bath & Beyond has giant white bags like that?
Feature collage by Emily Zirimis.