Celebrities Love to Run Errands

Stop being so productive, Katherine Heigl

06.14.16
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I am a huge Outdoor Voices fan but I have a problem with their tagline: “Doing Things.” I hate doing things. I once watched an episode of Millionaire Matchmaker with the television set turned off because I couldn’t bother to look for the remote. The reason I don’t cook is because I find it bothersome to have to repeatedly return to the kitchen from wherever I might be perusing Instagram to “check on the oven.” Of course, these are things in the home — I hate doing things outside my apartment even more. Errands.

The worst.

Running errands triggers some sort of childhood PTSD: my worst memories involve being dragged to the post office and then the bank and then grocery story and then the garden center at Home Depot. Growing up in San Francisco, all errands were run on foot because, “Why take the car when you have two perfectly good legs and two wonderfully strong arms, plus public transportation?” Uh…a million reasons. Child labor being one of them?

Accompanying my dad on errands while visiting him in the summer was even more intolerable. Though short trips to the drugstore around the corner warranted use of the car, it didn’t matter. It was the summer. 12-year-olds are super busy in the summer! I did not have time to field remarks at ShopRite or Bed, Bath & Beyond by my dad’s colleagues about “how big” I’d grown!

Who does, really?

Celebrities, it turns out. Which makes sense.

Celebrities love running errands. Hard workers, I am sure, in whatever vocation it is that brings them fame, most celebrities labor during non-traditional hours that allow them a dramatic amount of vacant calendar space to do stuff like pick up prescriptions at the pharmacy. They have all the sunlight in the world to cross things off their to-do list.

Gigi Hadid lives the suburban dream: she can “stop by the supermarket” to leisurely gather whole foods whenever she so pleases.

I: put off grocery shopping until I’m forced to relive the scene where Mickey Mouse rations a single bean in Disney’s 1947 version of Jack and the Giant Beanstalk.

During Britney Spears’ emotional sabbatical, she went to the gas station for provisions more times than I did when I actually drove a car. The genie bottle flashed on my stupid Saturn’s dashboard for three months before I finally made an appointment with a mechanic.

Kanye West was recently all up in the Container Store* not because he had to be, but because he wanted to be, and here you can clearly see Miley Cyrus carrying a CVS bag of what I’m gonna assume is a fresh batch of conditioner and shampoo. Must be nice. Those of us with “real jobs” don’t have the luxury of fitting this in. We suck it up and use Neutrogena face wash in our hair for a week, don’t we?

Then we waste our precious weekends running around, doing things.

Sure, you would think that celebrities are so famous they have personal assistants to do their daily biddings. But this is similar to how teen royalty in rom-coms “just want to be like everyone one.” Errands help celebs feel normal and get a grip on reality.

Allow me to help, then: Jessica Simpson! Small favor to ask. Do you mind picking up my dry cleaning?

*Unconfirmed. I just assume it was the Container Store because where else besides Bed, Bath & Beyond has giant white bags like that?

Feature collage by Emily Zirimis.

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  • Leah

    Amen to this. Ive been using my housemate’s shampoo for weeks now because mine ran out and I don’t have time/can’t be bothered to go buy more

  • Andrea Raymer

    can we just talk about the fact that you brilliantly refer to the oil change symbol as THE GENIE BOTTLE? Which is totally appropriate because its not like I was the one that took my car to get an oil change. I would just tell my Genie (aka dad) that there was a thing and then the problem was magically resolved. POOF.

    • Amelia Diamond

      My Genie (aka dad) read this and goes, “You know that’s an oil can right?” YES I KNOW THAT DAD I AM 28 NOT 12 (BUT CAN YOU STILL GET IT DEALT W FOR ME)

  • Jolie

    Omg, running errands gives me childhood PTSD too!!! So much so that when I even think about the phrase “running errands,” I hear it in my mom’s voice. I feel like I grew up in the Home Depot and Pier 1 Imports, forever missing Nickelodeon marathons on Saturdays because my mom wanted to buy “seeds” or “new bathroom tile”…which somehow took twelve hours. The trauma!

    • Lillian

      hahaha, seeds

    • Amelia Diamond

      fucking BATHROOM TILE.

  • Kaylie Haueter

    Totally agree with this. However, I’m pretty sure that the scene your referring to with Mickey Mouse slicing that bean suuuuuper thin is from Disney’s Jack and the Beanstalk, not A Christmas Carol 🙂

  • Haley Nahman

    Amelia I love running errands does that make me a celebrity?????

    • Amelia Diamond

      yes!

  • Aggie

    Running into my mum’s acquaintances was the wooorst, thanks for reminding me. Also I used to sit under clothes racks whenever my mum went shopping because I was so bored and then she couldn’t find me.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahaha

  • the ONLY good part about running errands is the satisfying strikethrough on your list when you’re done. [scritch… exhale]

  • Lauren

    I stopped running errands when Amazon Prime and instacart became a thing. It makes never running an errand possible and I don’t understand why anyone would actually, gasp, go into a store now. Terrible I know…but great

  • Pia Sophie

    hahahaha best first paragraph ever.

  • Eleanore Stevenson

    I have a few problems with this article… I respect your perspective and can relate to laziness when it comes to errands. But saying you have “PTSD” from helping with errands as a child is in very bad taste. PTSD is a VERY real disorder and to one to be joked about. As for my other problem? CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE! Running errands with your dad is NOT child labor. Another thing not to be joked about. At least you have time and money for groceries. Many 12 year olds don’t spend the summer “doing nothing”. Maybe think a little bit about others before you write your next article.