I’d Be the Worst Bachelor Contestant Ever

But how good do I look without a neck?

03.14.16
Bachelor-2016-Man-Repeller-4

During a supremely crap week when adult life feels too hard and annoying, squatting in The Bachelor’s mansion full of eyelash-endowed sister wives can look better than anything on your own personal agenda. You may begin to consider the perks of being a contestant, start thinking it’s a funny idea over a tumbler of scotch, convince yourself it would make for a great story, maybe download a PDF of the application off the Internet.

It’s like threatening to move to Canada during a rocky election year.

My own competitive nature rose up during a rose ceremony (when sentences write themselves) and I thought to myself, “Strategically, like if this were Survivor, I could win the show.”

Season 19 Finale Spoiler Alert: I did not win.

Season 19 Spoiler Alert in general: I did not apply.

I couldn’t bear to disappoint the show’s host, Chris Harrison.

Harrison has the demeanor of an exhausted substitute teacher who temps for a 7th grade class on a deserted island. He is weary from the things that he’s seen, the drama he’s heard, the notes he’s had to confiscate and the desks he’s had to separate. A paradox of the career path he’s chosen, his job is made easier when contestants file into the problematic roles they’ve been assigned: the crazy one, the back-stabber, the cry-a-lot-er, the trouble maker. These are the school’s varsity football stars — a school whose alumni donations rely on the success of the team.

And then there’d be me: the woman with no juicy plot line for the producers to lean into, no cinematic-gold-bone to throw Harrison save for the fact that I’d complain as though I were a grandma feeling a draft in a restaurant.  In a way that’s super boring for TV, I’d mess everything up.

To begin with, I do not find Ben attractive. No worries if he feels the same way back! But each contestant falling in crush at first impression is critical to the show’s success. It encourages groupthink.

Everyone in their solo interview: “He’s 100% my future husband I can just tell.”

Me: “I mean he’s fine. He seems like someone with mildly-above-average dental hygiene.”

Harrison: “Your tap water energy is bringing team moral down.”

Second, I hate Vegas. If there’s anything you have to be more stoked about for on The Bachelor than a helicopter ride, it’s Vegas. (“Hi Mr. Harrison, me again. Hate to bug you, but we have a problem.”)

Group activities — of which there are plenty — are tolerable. They’re not my favorite things ever, but I can hang. What I cannot handle is the collective cheering and shouting. Clapping in tandem with anyone other than a toddler is high on my list of 20 Most Personal Hells.

(Cue Harrison off-camera, “Stop making this weird and just pretend you’re having fun.”)

All of the crying would make me supremely uncomfortable. There are so many things to consider: Should I hug her? Should I ask first? How do I know when to stop patting her back? If everyone’s partnered-up crying and one real sobber is stuck with me, guess who will have to jump in to help? Harrison.

A lot of people comment on the whitewashed, misogynistic set-up of the show: one always-white man, a harem of (mostly white) women, all on their knees in the fantasy suite begging for one stem of the supermarket’s most cliché flower. Of course I have a problem with this. Of course I’d need to take a Night One tally among my new sister wives to see who noticed. Of course I’d want to whisper into the ears of all the girls who didn’t “come here to make friends” that Ben didn’t really come here to find a wife. I’d tell anyone who would listen that this show we all signed up for — as a joke — is an attack on our emotional well-being and our careers. I’d ask why no one seems creeped out by the possibility of a group STD outbreak, and I’d need to know — before going into this whole thing — that there was a game plan ready in case someone gets lice.

*Ring ring* “Oh Chris Harrisonnn?”

Did you know that in addition to tv-hosting, Chris Harrison is an author? In 2004 he wrote a book called, “Jenny, Her Own Story.” It was written from the narrative of a dog. Empathy wrapped in larger meaning? I didn’t read it. I don’t know. But maybe he, like the hypothetical me, is just doing this all for the anecdote. A real investigative journalist out on the field. No wonder he seems tired. I salute him. So until he writes his tell-all, this one’s for us both.

Collages by Emily Zirmis.

man-repeller-bar-bachelor

Get more Pop Culture ?
  • Your assessment of Harrison’s role in this farce is sooooooo accurate.

    Also I feel like I would have the opposite problem of the girls in the confessional who “didn’t come here to make friends” in that I would be telling them “I came here exclusively to make friends.”

    I’d probably get all possessive and be like “It’s just hard watching all my friends have to hang out with Ben when I know they’re supposed to be with me!!!!!” Finally, I’d probably quit when they eliminated everyone I liked (this is assuming I’ve somehow managed to stick around that long).

    Also, my main issue with being on this is you can never just bail on the cocktail party if it sucks (as I am wont to do) and go watch Netflix by yourself.

    So… yeah. Needless to say I’m right there with you.

    • Amelia Diamond

      hahahaha i love love love that you’d be all about the friends. me too. “you guys wanna stay in and hang instead of going on that group date?”)

      • Jessica Fansler

        When I saw the draft of 5845 dollars,,,fg I accept that my friend’s brother was like really generating cash in his free time with his PC. . His aunt’s neighbor has done this for only 11 months and by now repaid the loan on their home and bought a new Car .

        To Know More Click Here
        er….

      • Jessica Fansler

        When I saw the draft of 5845 dollars,,,fg I accept that my friend’s brother was like really generating cash in his free time with his PC. . His aunt’s neighbor has done this for only 11 months and by now repaid the loan on their home and bought a new Car .

        To Know More Click Here
        yu…

      • Marlene Gallant

        When I saw the draft of 5436 dollars, I accept that my friend’s brother was like really generating cash in his free time with his PC. …yx His aunt’s neighbor has done this for only 10 months and by now repaid the loan on their home and bought a new Car .

        To Know More Click Here
        ui…

  • Lua Jane

    I never watched a single episode of a bachelor, even though I don’t shy away from reality tv ( TLC is my guilty pleasure on those evenings I want to induce slight brain numbing after a long day) but I can totally relate to everything written.That said, I do have a certain level of respect for women who act out their roles of besoted, teary and starry eyed girls, stoically. I am far too self absorbed and perpetually disatisfied with small everyday situations to ever follow the script properly. Plus no men offered was ever a Jonah Hill type, so I would not be able to fake being interested. My tastes are way too specific.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Johan Hill Bachelor would be my absolute favorite show ever.

  • Rosie

    Omfg this is SO. GOOD. I would give you one million roses. *standing ovation forever*

    • Amelia Diamond

      Rosie and the roses!

  • Andrea Raymer

    This is so important. I spend so much of my time contemplating the edit I’d get were I a Bachelor contestant. I think I would fall somewhere between Lace and Ashley Iaconetti from Chris Soules’ season (she is my spirit animal). I would 100% be the sobbing girl that you wouldn’t know how to comfort, but thats cool. I cry enough to know how to handle it on my own. For me the goal would not be landing the lead on the next season, I want to go to Bachelor in Paradise where there is a much larger selection of people and it seems like it would be less anxiety-inducing.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Oh for SURE those who end up in Bachelor in Paradise get the good end of the deal. Otherwise everyone looks at you like you’re the weird alumni at the senior party!!

      • Andrea Raymer

        and its always the crazy ones that get to go to paradise.

  • Quinn Halman

    I have faith that your confessionals would be turned into memes.

    • Amelia Diamond

      I should make confessionals anyway even though they’d technically be lies

  • But did you also know that Chris Harrison wrote another book that was released just last year? It’s a romance novel a la Nicholas Sparks, *of course*, and HuffPo called it “The Best Worst Book We’ve Ever Read” *of course*.

    • Amelia Diamond

      GONNA READ IT

  • Allie Fasanella

    just spit out my water (ok it was soda) when i read the part about chris harrison writing a book from the narrative of a dog.

  • Rebecca

    Love this! Personally I have never watch the Bachelor but I am OBSESSED with a TV show that is based on it -unrealTV….you gotta watch!! If The Bachelor is anything like what it is in unrealTV….that is crazy!

  • K92

    That was hilarious and made me EL OH EL except 1 thing…Ben is unattractive to you? That’s not funny. I think I died a little on the inside

    • Amelia Diamond

      No. I am very specific. But if my friend started dating his identical twin and showed me a pic I’d be like, “Oh, cute!”

  • Yvonne Dunlevie

    And for the record, you look amazing sans neck.

  • I have sworn on many occasions that I would only be on this show if Chris Harrison himself were to become The Bachelor just so that I could give him a well-deserved hug. A good one, where you close your eyes and end with a hefty pat on the shoulder.

  • The Bachelor has so many cliches going for it that have been dissected by think pieces over and over again, but it’s still SO WEIRD. I’ve been watching my first couple of episodes because of Cup of Jo even though I’ve sworn I wouldn’t ever watch it even watch it ironically. It’s some fucked up psych experiment to mess with innocent peeps.

    And I don’t want to come off as “she wears short skirts I wear t-shirts” but it’s so depressing to me how these women have their faces caked up to the max and then turn on each other when hello they should all join forces and say bye Felicia to the bachelor.

    I was googling and came across past season write ups and couldn’t tell the difference between the women from one season to the next. Everyone is like every 13 year old mean girl I’ve ever encountered.

    This show feels like it was made for 6th grade girls to watch with their moms–maybe that’s a misogynistic stereotype but I stand by it. I mean, the fantasy suite is “to get to know each other?” Umm okay.

  • Living Paula Blog

    Me to girl me too.

    Paula- http://www.livingpaula.com

  • Aggie

    Amelia, please share with us your 19 other Most Personal Hells. I’m trying to think about mine right now!

    • Amelia Diamond

      Ok I will work on that but in the meantime one of them is being on a cruise with steel drums playing at all times

      • Aggie

        Sooo looking forward to it! My number one would be living in a world where everyone chewed on their food with their mouth open.

  • Camilla

    Sounds like you’d be the best Bachelor contestant ever

  • isaaclikes

    “on their knees in the fantasy suite begging for one stem of the supermarket’s most cliché flower”

    WOW.

    That’s the best sentence I’ve ever read.

    • Amelia Diamond

      Hi Isaac!!

  • Shauna Marie

    HAHA this is awesome. I hate-watch the Bachelor fairly often, and your description of Chris Harrison is so hilarious. I feel like I’d be the same as you as a contestant. WHY DO I WATCH IT?!
    Great post!
    http://www.cultivatedrevelations.com