Turtleneck Hair Now

A how-to of tubular proportions

12.22.15

Everyone has an opinion about turtlenecks (us included). Champions of warmth will vet in their favor while those who continue to try to disassociate the oft-holiday-inspired outfitting choices of their elderly family members from their current fashion endeavors likely elect to keep them outside of their cosmos. It is a universal truth worth acknowledging, though, that to be in fashion toward the end of 2015 is to accept the turtleneck as your ally. Your comrade. Your best friend. The other form of gift Steve Jobs left for you. A one way ticket to simultaneous flu-expulsion and the nuances that define 21st century cool.

Diane Keaton is, after all, a notable forebear and champion of the garment. So, really, never mind the red and yellow lamé knit that your aunt wore, which still haunts your memory of the Christmas dance-off ’94. Different place, different time. Here and now, there’s a new variable at play and it’s your hair, which should boast the idealized ratio of flocculent muffin to knit neck.

Confused?

Take a look.

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Forward facing your audience, you should look insouciant. Like you were going to wake up but decided against it in spite of the effortless — and that’s the other thing — strands peeking out from your turtleneck like the brain child of a French woman.

You can pull these out from directly over your ear using your index finger and thumb. What should not happen is the following: triangle head (unless, of course, your head is triangular, in which case: you are so cool) or Kristen Wiig Surprise Party Skit Hair (unless you’ve just cut your hair to mimic that bob, in which case, I admire your commitment).

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To avoid this, refrain from pulling hair from any other region of your head until you get a glimpse of your profile. From here the muffin should pronounce itself.

The top of your head should punctuate your purpose to such a heightened degree that is impossible for anyone to believe that such a non-caloric marvel for baked goods everywhere could be mere accident, even if your front-facing facade alludes otherwise.

The curve that separates your neck from your head, where the hair looks like it’s curling in, should stand out about an inch. To achieve this, simply tug at the back of your head.

Massage your scalp gently using your finger tips for two or three strokes to loosen the rest of your head up and then take a step outside and tell me you’re not grateful to have human hair keeping your neck warm.

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