‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ Should Have Ended Like This

The Captain of Team Julia Roberts answered last week’s prompt: rewrite cinematic history

09.26.15
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As Kimmy — the (at the time) little known Cameron Diaz — and Michael are not speaking to each other, Jules — the lovely Julia Roberts — uses this opportunity to her advantage, acting as a go-between while further manipulating the two into breaking up for good. Or so she thinks. Because as we know, Michael and Kimmy do eventually marry each other.

However, Jules may have gotten a different outcome had her conversation with Kimmy gone a bit more like this…

JULES: You’re Michael. You’re in a fancy French restaurant. You order crème brûlée for dessert. It’s beautiful. It’s sweet. It’s irritatingly perfect. Suddenly Michael realizes he doesn’t want crème brûlée. He wants something else.

KIMMY: What does he want?

JULES: Jell-O. I mean, shouldn’t Jell-O be allowed to marry her best friend should she choose to do so?

KIMMY: Wait, what? I’m confused.

JULES: I’m Jell-O, Kimmy. I’m the Jell-O in this not-so-subtle metaphor. Look at me. I look like Julia freaking Roberts, and I can’t even get the guy. If America’s sweetheart doesn’t get her happy ending by the time this whole thing is over, what’s left for the actual Jell-Os of the world? It’s not even really that I’m in love with Michael or I’m sure he’s the one. I’m doing this for Jell-O people of the world, because why else do you watch a movie like this other than to boost your own dangerously low self-esteem?

KIMMY: But what about crème brûlée?

JULES: What about it? You’re twenty years old. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You’ll find your Michael, that best friend you can’t imagine yourself without. Let me break it down for you. You know those women who are always saying, “I’m so lucky I married my best friend.” That’s the little shred of hope I hold onto that I’m not going to be miserably alone for the rest of my life.

KIMMY: I’m sure you’ve got other male friends you could marry, right?

JULES: Wrong. I have George. And while he’s insanely handsome and has a knack for making Dionne Warwick sound fresh in 1997, he’s definitely gay. So Michael is kind of my only shot.

And another thing: if you go through with your wedding despite all I’ve told you today, I will not be your maid of honor. I’m not going to stand there and pretend I’m happy for the two of you when I know it should be me at that table.

KIMMY: I hate to say this, but I think you’re right. I don’t care how sweet or lovable my character is; I cannot outmatch the Julia Roberts of this situation. Marry him. Don’t marry him. I’ve got years of romantic comedies ahead of me, and I’ll have my chance at the happy ending, too.

JULES: Thanks. Now walk away so I can get the denouement I deserve.

Film Still via Cosmopolitan

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