The Thought Process of Going Out

To put you in the mindset for the almost-weekend


It is by no small miracle that I am at the bottom of my stairs with zero broken bones, two matching shoes, a clothed body and a wallet. It’s also a wonder I haven’t fainted or died; no apartment has ever been as hot as the one I just left, because fact: no apartment is ever as hot as the one in which you’re rushing to leave.

I’m trying to explain this with my thumbs to a collection of 5 other women when my phone lights up. Across my screen, three angry words flash, “Where are you?”

Their tone is accusatory, as though they just “know” I haven’t left my building yet, even though I said I was in a cab.

I am in my lobby, so I am almost in a cab. Guys.

Update: “En route!” But for real this time.

I do my best lying in cabs, actually. It’s a fun opportunity to practice any creative stories I may recite throughout the night, like where I’m from (hell yes, that’s a Southern accent you hear!), what I “do” (bingo, mostly) and my pseudonym. Carol.

The cab driver has pulled up right next to the bar. Getting to the actual bar, however — the weary strip of wood covered in beer and cinnamon-scented whisky — proves itself near impossible. There are like, 800 people in here.

I assess my team. No longer mad at me for my tardy arrival though expectant that I buy the first round, they are prepared to flank both my right and camera-good-side as we charge through the crowd.

“Excuse me!”



We’ve made it. The bartender sees me. The bartender ignores me. There is someone behind me who finds standing up to be the absolute hardest thing he has ever encountered and so, while I attempt to charm she who controls the libations, I work on my new craft as human leaning-wall. This is nice. This is so nice. I love supporting your weight with my back, total stranger.

Ah! The bartender has signaled that I may speak.

My order rolls off the tongue with alarming ease — my friends and I have done this dance before. The bartender, elegant and swift in her own choreography, is balletic in comparison to the swaying crowd. She pours our shots and accessorized vodkas, then hands over 3 beers in tandem with collecting my card.

“Keep it open,” she states. It’s not really a question.

“Sure,” I reply, then relinquish my spot at the bar.

My friends and I find the only other area of space left and huddle like campers around a fire.

“Anyone cute here?”

“Not really.”

“Spot anyone we know?”


(Bars, like cable television, showcase the same phenomenon: 500 channels and nothing to watch. 800 people and no one to see.)

So I brace myself for the inevitable — either we leave, or we lap. I hate both because I hate moving. I’m fine standing right here, in this circle, so long as the speakers are playing my song.

“Let’s go somewhere else, guys.”

Outnumbered, I follow…but here’s a thing I also do: ditch.

(Bad habit, I know.)

I check my phone in the cab — one text, no emoji: “Did u just”

(The ellipsis thing is blinking)

“Leave? Wtf? Where’d you go?”

“I left my card at the bar, had to go back and get it,” I write. But that’s a lie, because I’m in a cab on my way home. And the name’s Carol.


Get more Brain Massage ?
  • Not sure howww, but this made me miss going out! I’m never around summer weekends (so popular). I can’t even remember my last uber/cab ride. Amen to the apartment heat. TERRIBLE.

    • Aydan

      I often find myself replying yes to going out purely to escape the heat-hell that is my flat in summer!!

  • This is basically how I am ALL THE TIME. I’ll come up with a million excuses to not go out. Especially if it means going to a crowded bar to overpay on alcohol.

  • Lynn

    haha love this. Either a variation of this night orrrr sweatpants and Netflix. & it’s hard to say no to Netflix.

  • Allie Fasanella

  • I am always amazed with the people who are out and about. Where does this dedication come from? And the people going to festivals – how? Why? How do you have so much energy?

    • Amelia Diamond

      Sometimes I don’t have energy but I go STIR CRAZY if I don’t “go out.” (Although this year is the first time I am 9/10 more happy staying in)

      • Absolutely true. I have to go out! But not the going out that takes too much energy. Old age!

  • Allie Fasanella
    • Aydan


  • Kelsey Moody

    This gives me anxiety, I live this from the OTHER perspective– my punctuality has me alone at a bar fending off the stools I’m saving from bar-vultures, leaves me two drinks deep by the time my friends arrive, and then my heads on a swivel looking around for my friends at 11pm who have ghosted home in an uber while Im texting “whered ya go?” with 8% battery. Dedication or desperation?

    • Amelia Diamond

      This happened to me once and so I was like, never again.

  • La Vintage Vida

    I usually dread going out, especially because I work long hours and want to catch up on much-needed sleep. But when I actually make the effort, not only do I enjoy it, but I’m Instagramming the night away haha.

  • I feel like this is going to be me when I’m older because right now I’m nearly seventeen years old and every-single-friend of mine want to go to overcrowded clubs and I don’t, they stress me out. I prefer the #grannylife which consists on staying home watching TV while sipping on tea and going to sleep at 10:30pm, of course. But I do love going on a few parties a year to show off my super cool and totally non-embarrassing moves 😉

    Julia xx

  • Nadine

    THIS IS SO REAL. The ditching is so me haha.



  • Oh gaaaaawd, you’re that girl!? Hahaha… honestly, though, you should at least say goodbye if you got all dressed up and everything 😉

    As fr the apartment thing, omg EW, I know exactly what you mean. Especially in NYC.

  • Alessandra

    I applaud a well-executed Irish exit. Bravo.

    • Amelia Diamond

      just in trouble for doin it this weekend!

  • Lauren at adorn la femme

    Ha ha, this is hilarious. I love hanging out with friends at bars but it has to be super late when all the crazy wild things come in to liven up the place…’went to the Dresden in LA with an old fashioned piano bar and various singers…the music and the catchup/good conversations kept the night so glorious, that I was not missing Netflix for even one millisecond! (Can’t say I’ve ever ditched and would feel so mortified if that happened to me!!!) xo




    adorn la femme

  • Bars and cable television, brilliant comparison. But see, here’s the thing about going out. It’s all part of the ritual. The hot apartment. The (expensive) cabs rids. The crowds. The All Important Bartender. And the eventual decision to go home wishing you hadn’t gone in the first place. FOMO is real and satisfying that curiosity and rallying with your girls juuuuuust in case there is someone worth seeing for once is what our youth is for! Right?? If not, I’m spending too much on Uber…

    • Amelia Diamond

      ” FOMO is real and satisfying that curiosity and rallying with your girls juuuuuust in case there is someone worth seeing for once is what our youth is for! Right?? ” AMEN NIHA

  • Megan Small

    You’re my homeboy! Homebody. I meant homebody.

    • Megan Small

      Also, I know this isn’t relevant but when are you going to have a contest for the best-dressed man repelling dogs? There, I said it.

  • long

    Not sure howww, but this made me miss going out! I’m never around summer weekends (so popular). I can’t even remember my last uber/cab ride. Amen to the apartment heat. TERRIBLE.

    Crazy Craft

  • Karel Paragh

    All this looks very realistic