The Thought Process of Sitting in Traffic

Help! I am getting a butt cramp

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I like to think of myself as a cool driver who has calm but vigilant reflexes, remains cheerful — but not unpleasantly so — amidst traffic, and maintains searing focus while maneuvering the open road with speed. Alas, I’m of the white knuckler kind.

I wanted to be out of the city and on the freeway by 6 p.m. It’s 7:37, so I already blew that. Now I’m in an even bigger hurry. I should have left earlier. I never learn. And to the Subaru in front of me, if you’re gonna turn, you gotta tell me.

Uh-oh. Can I turn right on red? I guess we’ll find out. That chorus of honk-happy bullies tells me no. Lay off, I’m new here.

Crap. Is this the on-ramp? No. Yes. No? These signs could not be more misleading and now Siri is giving me the cold shoulder. Okay, it’s the on-ramp. I can relax now.

Nope, can’t catch a break. You’ve got to be kidding me. Move it or lose it! You know who else never learns? The Subaru who doesn’t know how to use a blinker. Out of my lane, asshole.

Ah, that’s better. Nothing more satisfying than making it to the fast lane after a successful triple lane change. LOL at the Subaru for trying to cut me off. Yeah, I’m holding a grudge. He can eat my dust.

Except there won’t be any dust — we’re at a stand still. Probably just bottlenecking; it’ll clear up soon, right? Maybe if I just sit on my horn for a while I’ll feel better.

***

Okay, joke’s over. What in the name of tuna is going on up there? At this rate, I’m never going to make it to the bridge, which is a catastrophe because all this talk of tuna is making me hungry. Starving. I’m starving.

I guess I could make some calls. Where’s my headset?

***

….Fuck. The fated freeway phone drop. Maybe if I extend my big toe far enough — really flex it! —  I can reach the tip and drag it back. I feel a foot cramp coming on. Yep, it’s a full throttle, raging foot cramp. Stomp it out.

***

I have no one to call.

But I do have to pee, and everyone’s breaking again.

Wait. Why is Google Maps freaking out?

AHHH!! What do I do? Pull it together.

I’m on the bridge. I repeat, I am on the bridge, officially en route to New Jersey!

But I’m trying to get to Long Island.

I guess that means I’m making a “pit stop.” They have beaches in Jersey, right? That’ll do.

Photo by Ralph Crane, 1959 via LIFE Magazine. Gif by Hannah Kellner.

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