The Dream Job(s)

Because no proper millennial can focus on one thing at a time


My dream job is double-pronged: professional gift-wrapper and Olympic diver.

Merging these two professions into one career path would be genius. Gift-wrapping is a calming, cerebral activity that’s far less physically strenuous than tumbling off a ten-foot platform. Diving, on the other hand, demands rigorous training and an affinity for swimsuit wedgies.

My time spent on dry land covered in tape and bows would provide me with ample opportunity to stretch and condition. I’d lunge forward to cut cellophane whilst holding my finger in the center of a bow, inevitably finding myself in the Warrior II yoga pose. Flexibility is key as a diver, but perhaps even more vital for the lone gift-wrapper, who cannot remove her hand from a square of precisely placed tissue paper but must reach beyond her arm span for her ribbon-curler.

My career choice may seem impractical but it’s actually rather pragmatic. Gift-wrapping is an underrated talent that never ceases to be in demand – birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, graduations, Christmas, Hanukkah, Valentine’s Day, weddings, baby showers…the list doesn’t end. Diving, however, can only be done for a handful of years while an athlete maintains peak fitness levels.

By selecting this double-barreled career path, I’d be removing immense pressure from myself later in life when I face retirement as an Olympic Gold Medalist. I’ll have a gift-wrapping business to fall back into, and won’t have to scrounge for cash once my bank account is filled with cereal-endorsement checks. Unlike professional athletes who are forced to get their real estate licenses when their NHL contracts expire, there will be no brokerage law exams for me. I’ll be swimming in my gift-wrapping commissions as soon as I emerge from that 5-meter-deep pool.

Diving and gift-wrapping may seem far-removed from one another, but these occupations are inextricably linked by the pedantic personality each profession necessitates. Just as a diver strives to nail that double twist, tuck, triple flip into the blue waters below, an astute gift-wrapper does not rest until all corners are tucked, all bows are symmetrically tied, all quadrilateral packages are adorned by crisp, right-corner edges and all papers match seamlessly with complementary card envelopes. Indeed, the perfectionism required to make a great Olympic diver is the same commitment to excellence that anoints an expert gift-wrapper.

So you see, this career path is far more practical than it is whimsical.

If only I knew how to swim.


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