I am trying very hard to get a guy out of my head. We met online then spent a wonderful month together. We’d both been single for a long time prior and we were having fun. He told me he really liked me, that “it happens when you least expect it…”
And then, he ran for the hills. I did not mention the word “relationship” once. He messaged me after 2 weeks of putting off meeting face to face saying he was sorry, that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that I am the closest he’s come to having one. He told me he was with someone for 7 years who left him one day and moved in with someone else, and she only spoke to him after that to tell him what an awful person he was. This happened about 2 years ago.
I told him I appreciated him being honest with me, and that he probably needs to speak to a therapist if he wants to have a relationship with someone in future. We left it at that.
I need some payback/closure. It’s so hard because I saw myself falling for him in a big way.
Big Girls Do Cry in Dublin
First up, my apologies that this has happened to you. It is without a doubt an unfortunate turn of events. I’ve come to two conclusions:
1. He’s a player who promised everything to get laid, then delivered nothing once he got what he wanted.
2. Based on his relationship history, he’s terrified of getting emotionally attached, because in his experience, emotional attachment is the precursor to pain.
Do I think you were played? Honestly, no. I imagine he probably embarked on the relationship in good faith and then either realized he wasn’t 100% certain about the two of you being together, or was triggered in some way that caused him to run for the hills, as you put it. In that case, you were simply the unfortunate victim who got caught in the crossfire.
We could scrutinize his behavior until the cows come home, but it’d be a waste of time because the fact is that you guys weren’t meant to be. It’s better that he showed his true colors within a month rather than two years down the track. Maybe he should seek help if he hopes to have a successful relationship in the future, but at the end of the day, that’s on him, not you.
Same goes for whether or not he’s meeting women on a dating website. He hurt your feelings and as tempting as it might be to publicly humiliate him or call him a liar or a cheat or a player or a douchebag, our therapists tell us that all we can ever do is keep our side of the street clean. This means that we can only control our own behavior. Frustrating, isn’t it.
Time to let this one go.
Now, let’s hear it for the boys! Need more advice from smart cookies? Read some skin tips here. If you’re more of a hair gal (and said hair happens to be of the curly variety), Rita Ora’s hairstylist could show you a thing or two. And even if you’re a human cucumber, you could probably use a lesson in cool. For relationships with happy endings, check out our It’s Kind of a Funny Story series.