Are Stripes a Neutral?

Rhetorical question


For as long as you are interested in fashion and the magazines or various other media entities that orbit around it, someone will always try to convince you that something — polka dots or suede or fringe or plaid, I don’t know, little printed whales — is the new neutral. Let it be known from now on that the misinformed evangelists of fashion trend folklore are just that — misinformed. There are, have been and as far as my eye is inclined to travel, always will be only three neutrals.

The first is a solid leopard print — one that both whispers and cries and when set on a good-quality fabric, does its crying and whispering with the kind of poise one is to expect of a First Lady.

The second is denim. Obviously. This will never go out of style for as long as we are Americans who enjoy vegan hot dogs and artisanal mustard.

And finally, the third, which delimits a fairly wide scope, is stripes. These could be horizontal or vertical or fragmented or whatever. They might be French in one instance but conclusively Ukrainian in another. If they were Norwegian last year, they’re Old English this year but the purpose of this post is not at all interested in the provenance of the multifarious forms of stripe — we’re here to manufacture the melting pot that embroils them.

Currently, I’m dressing from the job I want — which is to say, paid unemployment that allows me to stay in bed through the peak hours of a weekday afternoon, guilt-free like a Health Warrior chia bar.

I’m wearing a pair of light blue silk striped “pool pants,” as Amelia likes to call them (I’d recommend de facto pajama pants if you’re looking for a deal), which I really do believe to be a neutral given their color (similar to that of denim) and silhouette. (Legs? What legs?) Up top: a multicolored striped shirt that could have been a decadent bed sheet in a past life that definitely inspired a scene and subsequent hook in the movie Uptown Girls. It’s tied at the stomach so that you can see the skater-style mini dress worn under it and the blazer is kind of just like an umbrella on a rainy morning, you know? It keeps shit in check, dry and more or less happy.

End scene.

I’m just kidding. What are your neutrals? Act them out in short videos (or haikus) in the comments below. PLEEEEEEEASE?

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