It’s a sad day when you realize that your metabolism is no longer what it was back in high school. My hair just wrote that sentence, because as recently as last week we both learned that I had officially damaged what I’d long thought was un-damageable.
The news was delivered at 8 a.m. on a Wednesday. GlamSquad angel TéQuan Johnson was giving me the old Connie Britton Blowout when he paused for long enough that I was brought back to elementary school where my stomach would drop at any sign of hair-check hesitation: a pause meant lice. This morning, however, it meant severe split ends.
He wanted to know what I “did” to my hair. His tone hinted that maybe I sometimes stick it in fire for fun. My response was that of an exasperated teen and then, finally, I confessed to feeding it junk food. He pointed to a calendar, noted April’s close proximity to June and suggested that my hair as it currently stood (on ends) was far from its summer body.
But my hair’s a crash dieter. It likes instant results. According to TéQuan, it needed instant results, so he provided me with the recipe for a super cheap DIY hair mask that works right away.
You will need:
– Half an avocado (or a whole one for super long/big hair)
– 1/4 a cup of olive oil
– 2 big scoops of mayonnaise
– A teaspoon of lemon juice if you’re blonde or ombre’d or want to bring out natural highlights
– An old t-shirt that you DGAF about
– A scrunchie that you can wash or toss
– A plastic bag
*Pro tip: if you don’t want to buy olive oil or mayo, go to a deli counter and ask for olive oil and a bunch of mayo packets on the side.
Here’s what you do:
1) Put on your DGAF shirt.
2) Mix the ingredients in a bowl.
3) Take a deep breath, then dunk your hand into the unholy guacamole you’ve just made and apply it to dry hair starting just below your ears, all the way down to the tips. (If your scalp is flaky, apply all over, but be prepared to wear a hat the next day if your grease hits like lightning.)
4) Tie your hair into a bun, cover bun with any excess goop, then put a plastic bag over your head like a very sad bonnet. Please do not put the plastic bag over your face. Leave this on for 30 minutes. Meditate.
5) Rinse your hair out then shampoo twice in a row. (Lather, rinse, repeat — for real. You’ll smell like a BLT otherwise.) Apply conditioner as you normally would and apologize to your roommate for what just happened in the apartment.
Repeat this once every two weeks for bounce, shine, and smooth, happy ends.
I will not lie: this process was disgusting. I gagged frequently from the mayo but it was 200% worth it: after just one treatment, my hair has abs again, the supplies were cheap, and I have enough leftovers to make one very Instagram-worthy piece of avocado toast.