The Thought Process of Ordering Lunch

It is the hardest decision you’ll make all day.

03.24.15
the-thought-process-of-ordering-lunch-seamless-takeout-delivery-

It’s a little bit annoying that the person sitting next to me hasn’t finished her breakfast.

Like, it is a scone. You have two bites left. I think you can manage.

It’s also 11:45 a.m. and my personal policy is that if you miss the 11:30 mark to complete your morning meal and then leave it unattended (where is she by the way, the bathroom?) it’s fair game.

I am now having a staring contest with this dumb scone. I hate you, scone. Why aren’t you a croissant or something useful? Why do you have to get crumbs everywhere? Why aren’t you legally mine? I know you taste like chalk and yet my stomach is telling me that it doesn’t matter — we can handle a little chalk. We can handle a little stealing. People on TLC eat chalk and swipe swag all the time.

Ah, ok. I’m hungry. That’s what’s happening.

But I’m lazy. I’m too lazy to walk to get food right now, and it’s cold and my shoes give me pinch-y toes. The restaurant I’m in the mood for is not on Seamless, and besides, I don’t want to be dramatic by being “that girl” who orders early so that her food arrives at 12:00 p.m. on the dot.

I’ve been that girl, and she/us/we are always hungry again by 3.

Now I’m watching the clock. The clock is acting like it didn’t have protein this morning, either. Does that even work, by way? The whole eat-protein-feel-like-a-queen thing? I’d ask Scone Samantha but she’s taking a ten hour sabbatical or something. Bet she “forgets to eat lunch” when she comes back.

Not me. It’s 12. I’m ordering.

“Hey are you ordering food?” The girl who sits across from me just asked that.

“Yeaa…..” I respond. “What should we get?”

You psychopath, I scold myself, why did you ask that? Now you’re locked into a lunch marriage and divorce is not an option. But it’s too late. Office etiquette.

She’s in the mood for sushi. I’m not. Actually, I am, but I’m being cheap since I’m ordering for two now.

She could do a salad, but then I’d have to check off all her ingredients in addition to mine.

She could do a burger (oh could she now?), or a burrito, and she suggested a salad again with a laugh like she was joking but I know she meant it.

Ok. She saw fangs growing out of my eyeballs and told me to just “get her whatever” so now she’s getting what I’m getting and that means not kale. Omelettes win.

Thirty minute wait? I should have ordered sooner.

Now Scone Samantha is back — so nice of you to join us! — and that sneaky, sneaky traitor got lunch.

She motions to her scone. “I’m not going to finish this. Do you want it?”

The nerve. Can you imagine?!

I can’t, so I eat it. And then my food comes.

“Hey,” my roommate texts me about five minutes later. “I’m hungry. What should we do for dinner?”

For more conversations between you and your brain, click here.

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  • pASHionateLEY

    “Forgets to eat lunch” … I’ve heard of this before! WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEEEAANNNNN?!?!

    • Amelia Diamond

      I’ve been too busy to eat lunch, for sure, but I never forget.

      • Too busy to eat lunch = death. On a normal day in the office I’m thinking about what I want for lunch before I’m even finished eating breakfast.

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    • If I don’t think about lunch at work it means that my boss puts me on edge enough to lose my appetite — because eating, that’s like my favorite pastime #freelancer

      Also leafy salads are really good if they have a lot of accoutrements like grilled shrimp or grilled salmon or marinated artichokes or roasted butternut squash or toasted walnuts or goat cheese or pecorino cheese and a killer, but not overpowering, dressing. Then, you will not feel like you are eating rabbit food.

  • Allie Fasanella

    http://38.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqywgqvTol1qjgyuwo1_500.gif

    This just made me insanely hungry. I am fo sho ordering food right after this. You’re a bad influence, Amelia Diamond.

  • Teresa

    What’s for lunch is the main conversation that occurs around 9:30 in my office. What I love more is a rally lunch, when I cast a magic spell on the ladies of the office into what I’m jonesing for that afternoon and they all willingly fall in line with the menu. I love lunch, and I could give a flying avocado toast if I’m that girl.
    Great read, Amelia!

  • Andrea Raymer

    See, I eat breakfast at 10:30, then by noon I’m hungry again but I feel bad about getting something so I wait until 1:00. Then I never know what I want to eat so I have to do some serious brainstorming. ususally I end up googling pictures of food, looking on pinterest, going on http://wtfsigte.com or http://www.whatthefuckshouldimakefordinner.com for some inspiration and if all else fails I take a couple Buzzfeed quizzes about it.

  • AnnieH

    For lent this year I gave up buying lunch, and I actually miss the fun of it getting to lunch a couple of times a week and deciding what it is I fancy and where to go for that. It takes all the suspense out of the day – I already know that tomorrow I’ll probably have the vegetable soup that’s in the fridge. Plus, what else is there to daydream about after 11 if not the mystery of lunch?! The choice makes me feel fayncy

    • Amelia Diamond

      oh my god you’re probably saving so much $$$. i really need to STOP ORDERING LUNCH.

  • I have to say, a 30 minute wait is rather impressive for delivery. Then again, I work in Times Square… where everything is awful.

    • Amelia Diamond

      If a place takes more than 30 minutes I have a seizure and fall off my chair. This happens always.

  • This is SO true! So many of us can relate to this!
    http://www.amavoboutique.com

  • Hahaha!! Love this! My fave part…Like, it is a scone. You have two bites left. I think you can manage.
    Sarah
    http://flipflopsandfurs.com

  • parkzark

    I love different things for lunch but usually always regret it if I don’t get something on the lighter side. I <3 pad thai, pizza, and quesadillas, but then I inevitably want to crawl under my desk and drool everywhere afterward if I eat that sturf.

  • Jackie Lee

    This just made me lol for real! This is great 🙂

    xoxo, http://chicdreamjar.blogspot.com/

  • Rosaly

    my roommate literally texted me that today and I came home to dinner on the table GOD BLESS

  • I can’t decide.

    I eat a bite when I get up (slice of pear). I eat some more when I get to work (breakfast bar). Then I have a snack or two(crackers, popcorn, cookies, a banana). This is generally followed by lunch(turkey sandwich, tiny carrots, pecans, cookie, more crackers). I might have another snack right before leaving work(breakfast bar). And then I eat supper when I get home.

  • Sarav

    Many years ago I had a job as a receptionist and I swear the reason I quit was because I offered to take everyone’s order for lunch once, to be nice, and got stuck with it every day. Honest, I had to quit, it bugged me that much. I still get that feeling in the pit of my stomach just thinking about it. What is it about tending to a grown person’s basic needs that is so terrible? It’s like changing an adult diaper or something…sorry for that reference so early in the morning btw.

    • pm.

      Omg, I feel you here. I cannot stand the group lunch ordering process. Seriously, it starts at 8 am with grouply obsession and negotiation about WHERE or WHERE NOT and then moves to WHAT (salad? or a burger?!) and then WHAT NOT (no dressing, no onions, no mayo, no condiments) and then the order is placed and then the interminable wait where even I start to believe the hype about LUNCH (maybe it WILL save my DAY?) and then the lunch comes and usually it’s just ok but invariably people will either RAVE or RANT and, really, no one can quit “Lunch” until about 2pm when we’re all in a post-graze stupor.

      It’s too much.

  • Scone Samantha, that bitch.

  • pm.

    I fail to eat out of indecision 8 times out of 10. My backup is the vending machine, to which my acupuncturist literally said “Famous Amos Cookies? Gross.” Hey, I’m still alive.

  • Aubrey Green

    I literally JUST had this conversation with the ladies in the office (starting at 9:30AM) and it went something like this: “what’s for lunch guys?” “sushi” yells one girl, wait, 2 ladies are pregnant and can’t have Sushi, so the conversion turned into what pregnant women can’t eat and/or drink while being pregnant and whether or not they are going to get epidurals. Back to what’s for lunch and I just placed the order at 10:15.

  • LOL I talk food and think food for most of my day…great post, it made me laugh 🙂 I also have to add often I feel guilty when I eat too much for lunch only cause I am supposed to go light on dinner…

    Fashion and Cookies

  • Love this. Hope you enjoyed it once it arrived

  • cielocielo

    you really need to use postmates.

  • but hold up is this written about an office member in your office…as in team mr office? isn’t she gonna read this?