None of My Boyfriends Know We’re Dating

Yet.

03.17.15
the-boys-who-dont-know-we-are-dating-man-repeller

The plight of our generation is that no one is willing to define the relationship. We’re constantly Seeking Susans, permanently convinced that the ass is greener on the other side. Avoiding committed relationships for fear of complacency has become so universal that our parents have finally accepted us as nomads of the romantic world. We’re not not dating, we tell them; we’re just also not not single.

My situation is a little different. As of this year I’m in 5 different relationships. The cool term to use is polyamorous. Many loves. The biggest problem I’ve found, however, is not so much explaining to my grandmother why I’m so popular nor is it the logistical headache of balancing a variety of priorities. It’s coping with the emotional strain of having 5 boyfriends who don’t know that we’re Official.

For example, the delivery guy who works at my most-ordered restaurant seems to give zero weight to the fact that we share custody of a baby. He picks up my food from kitchen daycare and then delivers it to my apartment. This is a holy transaction; I’m trusting him with my dinner. One misstep and that burger is on the floor. One hesitation at a yellow light and my fries are cold. I see him at least 3 times a week. I call on the phone and speak to a human to place my order — this is way more serious than Seamless. But still, he refuses to stay over.

Then there’s my tailor. Jack. Some days it’s like he doesn’t even recognize me. We’re both super busy and our work hours don’t exactly align (I work 10 to 7 and he’s open “whenever is most inconvenient”), but when we do see each other it’s super intimate. He’s seen me in my underwear. He knows my bra size.

Speaking of intimacy, there’s Standing and Eating Guy. SEG. “Seg” lives in the 5th floor of the building adjacent to mine. I see him every day and pause to wave as I take a quick breath on my building’s final flight of stairs. He is always standing, he is always eating, and despite our daily repertoire, he acts as though I don’t exist.

The bartender at the vodka-ing hole I frequent flirts with other women right in front of me. I think he does it to make me jealous — and yes, I’ve given my number to guys in front of him, but that doesn’t give him the right to make light of our very obvious connection. Sometimes I want to shake him and cry, “We bonded over Titos! I thought that meant something.”

Ok, and not to sound crazy, but sometimes I don’t think my coffee guy remembers my name.

Yes my situation is stressful. It’s nonconformist and far from traditional, and it hurts that my own boyfriends don’t know we’re dating. But there are so many perks to our modern relationship (food, hemmed cuffs, strong drinks, etc.) that I’m okay with not rocking the boat. Some things are simply better left unsaid.

Get more Postmodern Love ?
  • I have this same problem with my UPS man.

    • MT

      My UPS guy fails to acknowledge our affair, probably because my dog terrifies him.

  • Allie Fasanella

    I have the opposite problem. The guy at chipotle basically thinks we’re together.

    • Amelia Diamond

      you are a lucky girl. cherish this.

      • Allie Fasanella

        I mean I’m not NOT eating it up

        • Marcel John Marino

          It’s Chipotle how can you not?

    • parkzark

      That’s it, I’m getting Chipotle after work.

      • Allie Fasanella

        Good call diva

    • bob

      but is the guac still extra?

    • MT

      A Baja Fresh employee once gave me a holiday gift, and not in the form of a free burrito. It was hella awkward.

      • Allie Fasanella

        hahahahah

      • Nikelle

        yeeeeess. wait, the amount of prep and assumption of you coming in to receive is perfect.

        • MT

          To be fair, I was a regular customer at the time. Me showing up was pretty much a given.

    • AlexaJuno

      How could you ask for extra sour cream and NOT smile?

  • AlexaJuno

    Hooked up with the hottest guy I’ve ever met who was visiting from LA a few months ago. Now we exist through Facebook/Instagram likes. Everyone I know and meet may or may not have seen his photo. It is the purest love I’ve ever known.

  • parkzark

    Dude, you are just my spirit animal/girl crush and this is tremendously funny.

    • Hahahahaha!!

    • Allie Fasanella

      The ‘tremendously’ was so called for.

      • parkzark

        Truly, it was.

        • Amelia Diamond

          guyzzz

  • AnnieH

    One day my bus-getting boyfriend got on at a different stop to usual, with a girl. It’s a good thing the car was replaced soon after, a girl can only handle so much heartbreak.

    • Amelia Diamond

      bus boyfriends break hearts

  • My bank account manager… right? He knows how much of my paycheck I spend every month at Zara and still never judges me…

    • Allie Fasanella

      LOCK THAT DOWN

      • I’ve just broke up with my actual “assumed” boyfriend, because… I mean… hello! This man is God on Earth

    • Julia Fuller

      what Allie said! much like my AAA auto club BF; he NEVER judges me for running out of gas/waiting until the tires are bald etc. He always leads with “are you alright” and “may I get you a bottle of water?” #truelove

  • Autumn

    With the last guy I legit dated, i didn’t know we were ‘boyfriend/girlfriend’ until he introduced me as his girlfriend and then broke up with me a week later. So that’s depressing.

    • Amelia Diamond

      NEXT.

  • pm.

    I’m beginning to think that you are Abbi from Broad City are the same person?

    • Amelia Diamond

      i don’t want to lie and tell you no, so.

      • Allie Fasanella
        • Amelia Diamond

          i actually hate bed bath & beyond, it gives me severe anxiety because there are no windows and one time my dad’s pants fell off in a wide open BB&B aisle, so i just have really heavy emotions about this place.

          • Amelia Diamond

            this gif is perfect, though.

          • su

            this is definitely something that would happen to me hahahah

          • Allie Fasanella

            omg hahahah

  • One time a guy at Marshalls next to my work said, “ayyy there’s my homegirl!” Does that count as going steady?

    • Amelia Diamond

      obviously.

  • Quinn Halman

    Once at school a maintenance guy gave me a piece of gum only to give another kid some moments later. WHAT IS MORE SPECIAL THAN GUM AT A HIGH SCHOOL?

    • Amelia Diamond

      NOTHING because everyone knows if you have gu, you have to share it with the class.

  • I have one – the guy in the nearby grocery store – but I know it’s True Love, as he smiles at me even if I come late in the evening, makeupfree and in my PJs.

  • Marianne Ronsse

    I’ve also experienced that kind of “relationship”. For a while, when I had 15-20min before my train would depart, I would go to a nearby bookstore and do some reading/picture-drooling in the cookbook section. Until I noticed the guy that worked there was trying to flirt with me. So, apparently I was the one unaware of our “relationship”. After that, I stopped going to that store. I could not beat the whole new intimacy level of “our” relationship.
    Erotomania Amelia. That’s what it’s called.

  • BK

    I know how you feel. My barista at that little coffee place in the side alley near the cinema is so hard to read. One day it’s all, “here’s an extra shot in your coffee because I know your history seminar on Thursday stresses you out” and then other days I kid you not he makes coffee for like 3 other women wearing less cool sneakers (Nike Roshe Runs, what is this, 2013?) RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME. In these situations I clench my jaw and simply order coffee from the other, only-slightly-less-sweet-or-attractive barista. Now, let me clarify that I don’t typically believe in cheating or in leading on the innocent but this sends a pretty strong message and lo and behold, the next day it’s all smiles and extra history shots again.

    • Amelia Diamond

      WORK the system, BK.

      • BK

        someone’s got to keep on top of the baristas in this town (Adelaide)

  • ready? bluebottle in williamsburg, the only barista who can truly rock a hat asks my friend what kind of milk she wants in her coffee. then he doesn’t even ask ME what kind of milk i want in MINE; just assumes i’m a whole milk girl.

    i convince my friend that she can’t count him as one of our “barista boyfriends”

  • Andrea Raymer

    One of my friends has a Starbucks boyfriend. He works at the starbucks at Rockefellar Center and gives her a free pastry at least once a week in addition to greeting her with her coffee order every morning. He is so nice to her that she doesn’t have the heart to tell him that she is Gluten intolerant and has given away every single one of his gifts.

    • Amelia Diamond

      that is true love.

  • Katie

    Really wish the second line was: “all convinced that the ass is leaner…”

    • Amelia Diamond

      or cleaner?

  • Zafeiria Mic

    I had a relationship with the delivery guy from MY sushi place. Our relationship consisted of me answering the door in my pjs, smudged eyeliner, disheveled hair, cat print socks and gazing at him with the loving admiration you can only have for the man who brings you a paper bag containing spicy yellowtail everyday. Finally, on one such occasion, after handing him the pen I used to sign the seamless receipt, he looked at me and said,”you’re pretty”. Our love affair ended with this sentence and I never ordered from there again. I sometimes feel nostalgic and wonder what it would have been like had things been different.

    • Amelia Diamond

      </3

  • Kristen

    I’m just hoping my Monday gym boyfriend doesn’t find out about my Thursday gym boyfriend.

  • Waaaves

    I went on one OkCupid date with a guy I really liked, but his dad died and he went home for three weeks. I left for grad school and we now carry on a flirtation of one word comments and likes on Instagram.

  • Luce

    I have this problem with my postman. He arrives on the dot at 7.30am (I live next door to the post office, which means we’re the first door) without fail, waking me up every morning which has then lead to him seeing me in various pajama outfits.

  • lyz143

    Probably too young for me cashier at my grocery store. He flips his hair to one side, locks eye with me and asks “do you have a Compare Foods card? Do you want one?” I always giggle and say “no, but I probably should.”

    It’s totally our thing.

  • kline, mara r.

    you guys, two summers ago I had a very serious work boyfriend who was set to move away and start law school at the end of the summer, so i referred to him as “my law school boyfriend.” at the end of our last shift together, I was D E V A S T A T E D because i was sure i would never see him again. we would text every so often, but most of the time he would let my texts go unanswered for TWO WEEKS at a time (ugh whatever). Anyway, when we were both home for thanksgiving three months later he took me on a date!! and we’ve been dating ever since!!! and he knows it!!!

  • mercy
  • Ryan Chambers

    More and more women are using tempted.com

  • Caroline D. Gomez Lassalle

    I straight up love you for this post.

    #youdoyou

  • Carolina T

    This was damn good. Can’t stop laughing.
    Now, what’s with the hola niña! (Spaniard right here) my barist always tell me, and then, sometimes, he doesn’t even remember my everyday tea cup. I always go wondering what would be his mood today. It hurts.

  • Julia Fuller

    OH THANK GOODNESS finally validation: I can show this to my family in lieu of explaining (again) that Lou Diamond Phillips IS my boyfriend because he answers my tweets… he’s my Twitter BF. Much like my Verizon store BF and your tailor BF… duh.

  • a picture of miles teller brought me here, now i will proceed to read the article

  • Catalina

    The overly jolly wash and fold guy… it’s 4 long blocks schlepping with my heavy laundry bag (no dolly for me, please) but it’s so worth it to hear his broken english “Hello” and “Thank you, buh-bye”. Plus, he washes and FOLDS my clothes.

  • Natalie

    I was in the liquor store one time on a weekday morning (buying something for later that night, REALLY!) and when I showed the cashier my ID, he looked up at me and said “Oh yeah, I recognize you, you come in here quite a bit.” :O :O :O

    I also got into a pattern of going to the same yoga class every day as this one dreamy fellow (different class times every day, but we were just on the same wavelength) for a couple of weeks. One day, I was about to say to him, ‘So, see you tomorrow?’ but I chickened out. The next day he came with his girlfriend, who had the same hair cut as he did.

  • Katrine Loris

    I once had a subway boyfriend. We were constantly running into each other on our way into the city every morning, and the day I saw a ring on his finger my heart broke.

  • One of my best friends just sent this to me… today… is she trying to tell me something? My only comment is that my future husbands (yes, multiple) still don’t necessarily know that we are going to be married either. They’ll find out eventually.

  • India

    This is amazing. You are brilliant. Fact.

  • BrigidBrown

    The owner of the liquor shop on the corner is my best friend. I see him almost every day. Not that I’m a lush — that’s where I pick up cans of Coke and candies. But, it’s feeling a bit one-sided of late!