Weather Got You Down?

We’ve Got 10 Ways to Bring You Back on Up.

02.27.15
snow-feature2

It is possible that as you read this post’s headline you thought to yourself, “Seriously? Those turtlenecked doorknobs at Man Repeller are talking about the weather again?” To which we would reply, “Uh, yeah, Barbara. We are. You know why? Because the weather is being fucking weather again.”

If you’re in New York City right now and not in a bad mood then you’re probably looking out your window at the sunshine while thinking, This isn’t so bad. You can handle the blinding cold so long as the sky isn’t grey.

jamie-dornan-fifty-shades-of-grey-10

I mean gray.

Or, you’ve retreated to a life of polar bear soup like, Whatever. Bring it. I’ve lost all hope. 

tumblr_m24p4ovuQJ1qc487lo2_400

If you’re somewhere warm (Look at me, I’m so tan. My bra is made out of coconuts and my biggest complaint is getting sunscreen in my ear) then I hope you brought gum to share with the rest of the class.

But regardless of your locale or the color you stand behind when it comes to body-con dresses, I do believe we can agree upon one thing: That by February 27th, all of December’s romance is gone, January’s hopeful promise of a new start has vanished, and what we’re left with is March — a month that does nothing more than confirm my theory that spring doesn’t actually exist.

Spring is a Hallmark-fabricated “season”; it’s propaganda created for card-makers to buy time until mid-July, because everyone knows that the only people with worse writer’s block than this writer are those who create copy for summer greetings. Especially after Snapchat co-opted “wish you were here.”

Which means that you need something to make yourself feel better. And we have ten ideas.

1. Learn to contour.

britney-spears-contour

…And I suppose you want us to show you? Have you met us? Leandra doesn’t wear makeup and I do mine in like, 3 seconds without a mirror and no one can tell the difference anyway. We are learning though.

2. Get a manicure and a pedicure. Pro-tip from she who chips all her tips: call ahead to see if your place sells Vinylux. If they don’t, buy your own. This shit lasts longer than any polish I’ve ever tried but it doesn’t ruin your nails like gel.

2a. Get a backrub.

massage

3. Get a blowout-not-job. (And if Lady Mary has taught me anything, it’s that the best blowouts come to you.)

marylin-monroe-hair

4. Buy gold boots. Old Sugartooth Leandra over here says she is “proof of concept and trust me, this works.” But would you trust a bear who hadn’t eaten breakfast yet? IDK. You tell me.

5. Get a piercing!

parent-trap-ear-piercing

6. Wear your jeans as a scarf. Or wear your jeans as jeans, you downtown queens.

7. Send yourself flowers, or BE your own flower.

tumblr_m3vwgfVGAV1qjlpfso1_500

8. DO NOT cut your own bangs.

audrey-hepburn-cutting-bangs

8b. Unless you have a good blow dryer.

9. Turn your phone off, queue up House of Cards (or play Ackee & Saltfish on loop) and forget about the fact that Victory Gardens charges $12 a pint for their goat milk ice cream and buy three! Their flavors are so neat. (Note: Leandra wrote this one, so keep in mind that regular cow ice milk works too.)

tv-ed-norton

10. Come up with secret handshakes between either you and your best friends or you and Bed Bath & Beyond employees. Same thing.

Now turn off your computer, slam your laptop shut, take your pants off, run them through the office shredder and then throw them in the air like the confetti they were meant to be. It’s the end of Friday, baby, and whether or not the weather sucks, we made it.

Get more Humor ?
  • Quinn Halman

    I was looking for a sign to get another piercing and this is it. Pics to follow.

    • Amelia Diamond

      pics pics pics

  • I was going to lock myself in writing jail this weekend and finish work but these are all great alternatives to that. This nyc weather ain’t making me come out anyway.

  • Aww, love the squirrels!

    http://www.FashionSnag.com

  • Andrea Raymer

    I love that part of the Parent Trap so much. I used to watch it in my mom’s office when I was sic and scream right when the needle went in her ear and everyone would come running down the hall to see what was wrong.

    Also I just spent a half an hour on the Ben and Jerry’s website and now I want Ice cream.

  • House of Cards House of Cards House of Cards!

    • Amelia Diamond

      share your gum with the class Camila!

  • Allie Fasanella

    This post was SO fucking called for. I didn’t think i’d seen anything better than a squirrel getting backrubbed by another squirrel til that parent trap piercing gif and I was flushed with nostalgia. Also I adore that montage of Diane Keaton crying from Something’s Gotta Give like a weird amount.

  • Bookmarking it to use, like, every day until June. If you want to NOT see spring, you should come to Moscow. Ugh. And we don’t have goats milk ice cream NOW I WANT IT SO MUCH THANK YOU. Gold shoes might work though…

  • Marielle | High Alpine

    Getting a back rub sounds like great way to beat the winter blahs!

    Marielle | High Alpine

    http://myhighalpine.com

  • meleğin günlüğü
  • pm.

    I love you, Amelia Diamond. Squirrel gif is best thing in world. Wish I had read this before I cut my own bangs. I look terrible now but will make up for it with gold boots, strategically placed makeup, and a denim face mask. You INSPIRE ME

    • Amelia Diamond

      I bet your bangs rule. Let’s see a pic

      • pm.

        Ok fine.

  • ola

    It’s SO hillarious haha, i love It

  • It was raining for a second & there was so much traffic. California can’t handle anything more than 5 sprinkles…& I’m not talking about donuts.

    :] // ▲ itsCarmen.com ▲

  • ssfern

    I wish this came out last month, i cut my bangs 🙁

  • Great post! Love number 8! http://www.bonaupetite.com

  • I love this.