It is possible that as you read this post’s headline you thought to yourself, “Seriously? Those turtlenecked doorknobs at Man Repeller are talking about the weather again?” To which we would reply, “Uh, yeah, Barbara. We are. You know why? Because the weather is being fucking weather again.”
If you’re in New York City right now and not in a bad mood then you’re probably looking out your window at the sunshine while thinking, This isn’t so bad. You can handle the blinding cold so long as the sky isn’t grey.
I mean gray.
Or, you’ve retreated to a life of polar bear soup like, Whatever. Bring it. I’ve lost all hope.
If you’re somewhere warm (Look at me, I’m so tan. My bra is made out of coconuts and my biggest complaint is getting sunscreen in my ear) then I hope you brought gum to share with the rest of the class.
But regardless of your locale or the color you stand behind when it comes to body-con dresses, I do believe we can agree upon one thing: That by February 27th, all of December’s romance is gone, January’s hopeful promise of a new start has vanished, and what we’re left with is March — a month that does nothing more than confirm my theory that spring doesn’t actually exist.
Spring is a Hallmark-fabricated “season”; it’s propaganda created for card-makers to buy time until mid-July, because everyone knows that the only people with worse writer’s block than this writer are those who create copy for summer greetings. Especially after Snapchat co-opted “wish you were here.”
Which means that you need something to make yourself feel better. And we have ten ideas.
1. Learn to contour.
…And I suppose you want us to show you? Have you met us? Leandra doesn’t wear makeup and I do mine in like, 3 seconds without a mirror and no one can tell the difference anyway. We are learning though.
2. Get a manicure and a pedicure. Pro-tip from she who chips all her tips: call ahead to see if your place sells Vinylux. If they don’t, buy your own. This shit lasts longer than any polish I’ve ever tried but it doesn’t ruin your nails like gel.
2a. Get a backrub.
4. Buy gold boots. Old Sugartooth Leandra over here says she is “proof of concept and trust me, this works.” But would you trust a bear who hadn’t eaten breakfast yet? IDK. You tell me.
5. Get a piercing!
7. Send yourself flowers, or BE your own flower.
8. DO NOT cut your own bangs.
8b. Unless you have a good blow dryer.
9. Turn your phone off, queue up House of Cards (or play Ackee & Saltfish on loop) and forget about the fact that Victory Gardens charges $12 a pint for their goat milk ice cream and buy three! Their flavors are so neat. (Note: Leandra wrote this one, so keep in mind that regular cow ice milk works too.)
10. Come up with secret handshakes between either you and your best friends or you and Bed Bath & Beyond employees. Same thing.
Now turn off your computer, slam your laptop shut, take your pants off, run them through the office shredder and then throw them in the air like the confetti they were meant to be. It’s the end of Friday, baby, and whether or not the weather sucks, we made it.