What Your Coffee Order Says About You

More accurate than a Myers Briggs test


A Sophie Milrom & Amelia Diamond brain-collaboration, with Charlotte Fassler on the illustration kick drum. 


She requests almond milk, but upon finding out that this particular cafe (presumably NOT in Brooklyn, NY or Venice, CA) offers only soy as its non-dairy option, decides that she has changed her mind and would rather subject herself to a caffeine-withdrawal migraine than stand one second longer in an establishment that probably doesn’t use locally farmed apples in its muffins, either. Unclear as to whether or not it’s a legitimate intolerance to lactose.


She orders a regular drip coffee — black, then decides to make it a café au lait, which then becomes a latte, and by the time she’s completed her order she’s just purchased a Venti Mocha Vanilla Frappuccino with a caramel swirl…”but hold the whip.”


Speaking of Frappuccinos, The Poser orders the strawberry variety, or something that includes the word “peaches and cream,” or any other highlighter-colored beverage that in no way whatsoever involves caffeine or coffee. She means well — maybe her friends all wanted lattes and she was just being a good sport, but to the line of addicts behind her shaking because they haven’t had their fix of the bean, she is the enemy. She should have gone to Wendy’s if she wanted a Frosty.


“I’ll have a skim latte…actually make that a cappuccino, LOL I’m so Italian. Becky, aren’t I so Italian? Wait! Can I have an iced green tea instead? And a scone. Or no, kidding, a black coffee with a little bit of soy. Iced! An iced coffee. Actually–”

Ah, the poor Panic Button girl. Overwhelmed by limitless options (coffee blends, milk varieties, various flavor and topping combinations, not to mention size), she needs a sedative more than a cup of joe by the time she’s paid for her drink. No matter what she gets, or how many times she modifies her order, she always questions her decision at the milk and sugar station and lives in perpetual doubt and caffeinated regret.


She wants to know where the coffee beans are sourced from, and on occasion will inquire into the name of the coffee bean farm’s owner, the beans’ genetic history and what the weather was on the day this particular batch was harvested. Always eager to be ripped off, she wouldn’t trust a venue that charged under $3 per cup. She would rather drink tar than instant coffee, and may or may not choose her apartments based on their proximity to one of her 5 approved spots. Best question to ask her on or off the red carpet: who are you drinking? And never, ever, admit out loud that her annoying coffee recommendation you didn’t ask for was 100% on point.


The antithesis to The Snob, The Dad Brew girl rolls her eyes at anyone who claims they can tell the difference between blends. She’s sick of hearing people compare coffee brands in earnest as though they were discussing truly important matters, like literature or Rihanna versus Beyoncé. Instead, she takes great pride in getting her $1 coffee from the dude on the corner in his portable cart, and flaunts her Anthora cup as though she were the one who came up with the original design. She’s no amateur though: while brew-clout’s irrelevant, her coffee has to be piping hot.


She takes her coffee black — like her soul — and refuses sugar. She’s either part Snob and “respects the bean,” or needs something to occupy the hand that isn’t holding her 8 AM cigarette. Her jeans are ripped, her dialogue is esoteric, and she stands on the subway, even if there’s an available seat.


She buys her coffee where she buys everything else — the bodega. Does it matter that the “hazelnut” coffee tastes like peanut water, or that the scooper for the communal cooler of ice has been handled by at least a dozen people within the last 10 minutes? Hell no! Convenience is a luxury, and nothing says convenient like being able to buy coffee, tampons, condoms and string cheese all in one place.


She drinks iced coffee year round, even when she’s on a winter ski trip in Colorado. You’ve heard her say that it has something to do with keeping her teeth white, but the same girl curiously slurps down wine as though she’s biting into an apple. Hot coffee drinkers look at The Snowman as though she’s not a “real” coffee drinker, but you’ve seen her take in black sans Splenda. Good enough.


Always Be Cleansing: she’ll invite you for coffee, but then order a hot water with lemon. That’s your cue to order a chocolate croissant.


Image via Harpers Bazaar UK

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