Humanity is entering a Benjamin Buttonian era of regression wherein we are not physically growing down but have been reclaiming behavioral mannerisms that we last maintained as infants.
Mat Pilates, for example, is a call to action to get back on all fours. Behemoths of companies such as The Huffington Post and Google have implemented nap pods at their respective offices, and at an impressively steady and rapid pace, eaters are becoming drinkers — maintaining the nutritional benefits provided by food but eschewing the use of teeth to chew it in the name of lips to drink it. Is this condition a good one or bad for the future of civilization? Are we consuming excessive bananas? How many pureed almonds are too many? Is our being straw-fed precisely the reason the millennial generation has adopted a reputation as entitled, spoiled, ungrateful, etc?
Frankly, I’m not quite sure, which might be because I’ve been far too busy drinking smoothies, and at Man Repeller, we’re committed to like-mindedness and excellence and so if you’re on the Smoothie train, so are we. Here’s a list of the ten best smoothies in New York City as dictated by team Man Repeller.
Caravan of Dreams, 405 East 6th Street, NYC
Superfood Smoothie #2, which includes raspberries, blueberries, dates, vanilla bean with sesame, hemp, chia, flax, sunflower seeds, spirulina, aloe vera, kelp, black currants and stevia. It tastes like an ice cream parfait, if you can believe that, only vaguely heavier and healthfully sweeter. The hints of date are pronounced during the swallowing phase of drinking this smoothie while the sesame flavor remains innocuously present throughout the experience. The calories clock in around 650.
Melvin’s Juice Box, 130 W. Houston Street, NYC
The Jamaican Green, with banana, kale, apple, lemon, ginger, celery.
Not too sweet, but also not technically a smoothie. Melvin’s is particularly impressive because of the founder’s knowledge of juicing and its nutritional benefits/detriments.
Juice Generation, 97 Greenwich Ave, NYC or these locations
The Protein Buzz, which includes blueberries, raspberries, bananas, your choice of non-dairy milk (we prefer almond milk), agave, your choice of protein (hemp, soy whey — we prefer whey). It looks like blended periwinkle fairy dust and tastes like heaven. In the event you’re unaware of what heaven tastes like, it is incidentally a combination of blueberries and raspberries and bananas and several powders we didn’t even know existed just two years ago.
Joyful Almond, which includes almond butter, almond milk, cacao nibs, frozen coco-milk, banana, raw agave and ice because when your sweet tooth comes knocking and refuses to leave without at least first obliterating even a layer of what occurs between your skin and your stomach, you can rest assured that at least your body will know what to do once your mouth, stomach and newly-sound mind have satiated this craving.
The Peanut Butter Split, which includes peanut butter, almond milk, banana and frozen coconut. This smoothie is effectively a liquid Reese’s Peanut Butter cup. I’m sorry, do you need a better descriptive clause to get you there?
Juice Press, 250 Mott Street, NYC and these locations too
The Harvey Wallbanger, which includes banana, dates, almond butter, vanilla, cinnamon and cacao. It’s different from the Joyful Almond in that if you find yourself to be the victim of a pumpkin spice craving, you can satisfy that notion with the cinnamon present in this sweet-ass mo-frika. It’s also been called your favorite iced-coffee on crack cocaine*, so there’s that.
*By us — it’s been called that by one of us.
Organic Avenue, 62 Bleecker Street, NYC, other locations found here
The Powerhouse Smoothie, which includes kale, bananas, almond butter, cashew hemp “mylk” and protein powder. Amelia calls this a sound alternative to a Bloody Mary which I’m still fairly fuzzy on because it tastes like a banana split that was beaten up for giving a kid too many cavities, and so refined itself without compromising its proclivity for the saccharine by only disseminating ostensibly healthy sweet bits. You can also taste the kale every few sips, which is an interesting wonder.
Liquiteria, 170 Second Avenue, NYC and here
The Mean Green, which includes kale, spinach, pineapple, banana, mango and pineapple juice. It does not taste like there is any greenery in it which, if you, like Krista, kind of hate, will rejoice in. If you, like Krista, also studied visual arts in college, you will enjoy its color, too. Because it’s beautiful. (Add some mint and chia at home if you’re making it yourself and you like living on the edge.)
The Mudslide, which includes blueberries, bananas, vegan protein, spirulina & vanilla almond milk. Apparently, this smoothie, which I drink about three times weekly, is high in amino acids and that is supposed to be a great thing. Also, it’s filling and dark enough that when you look into your plastic cup, you actually think you might be drinking mud only to be so pleasantly surprised when you take a sip to learn that while it’s not birthday cake, it’s not not a birthday, you know, smoothie.
From a Korean health food bodega located on 108th and Broadway, there is one more smoothie, called the Nutty Proten which includes raw cashews, raw almonds (henceforth to be called rawmonds), strawberries, honey, almond milk and coconut yogurt. Have you ever tried strawberries with nuts? Trust us on this one. It’s worth the trek — or simple gallop depending on where you live.
And for good measure, here’s a recipe I try every so often:
One banana, a cup of almond milk, a single date, a spoonful of chia seeds and two spoons of matcha powder. It looks green, it acts green, but fundamentally, it’s just a sweet breakfast masquerading itself as “good for you.”
Speaking of, our own Kayla doesn’t do smoothies, so in lieu of the anterior, she’d recommend a milkshake. For a classic shake, try EJ’s Diner on the Upper East Side. Also worth tasting: their challah French toast. For foodies who want innovative and Instagramable milkshakes, Odd Fellows Ice Cream Co. has absurd flavors like chorizo and caramel swirl. These remind us why we’re living.
(Smoothie recs welcome.)
Need more guides to cooling off in the city? Let us guide you to the best iced coffees and margaritas in this town. And speaking of seasonal treats, maybe we can help in selecting the wine-equivalent of your summer anthem.