Jokes to Steal

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DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS? Friday, Hannah Montanas. It’s Friday.

It’s also August 1. The first day of August. Augusto if you like a flourish. Augusté if you’re like the Yeswayrosé ladies and like to put an E-hat on everything. Augusta if you’re in Georgia. Acca-gust if you’re obsessed with Pitch Perfect. Auguwhat if you’re like WHAT THE FRANK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT AMELIA?

I’m talking about the fact that I would never, ever, let you guys head into a weekend empty handed without a few jokes to blow into the faces of whomever you’re conversing with at this weekend’s pool party or cool jarty. But this comes with a warning: I stole these punchlines off Twitter. So we’re going to have to get creative here to avoid the dreaded “…I’ve heard that before.”

One time, for example, my friend Jess was engaged in a rap battle at a bar. Her go-to battle-move was to spit ALL of the lyrics from P. Diddy’s “Bad Boys for Life.” Since most people don’t know the full song by heart, Jess usually got away with this. But on a fateful Thursday at our college brewsky haunt, dear Jessica met her match when her opponent said, “…I’ve heard that before.”

She lost, and therefore we lost.

Guys, I will not let you lose. The key is to work the joke, or punchline, or funny thought into whatever convo the crew is currently having. Just drop it in nonchalantly, then stand back. If someone says, “Hey I’ve heard that…” just laugh really loudly and throw their phone in the pool.


If you’re standing in a circle of people discussing politics, guide the conversation to Harry Potter and the evils of Voldemort. Then say:

When you inevitably scream at the site of a bee near your face and some asshole is like, “Calm down that bee is more afraid of you than you are of it,” respond:

If some douche wants to compare arm tans and you’re too busy to be bothered, tell them:

(Compare THAT, Tina.) Now here’s one that’s more of an activity than a joke!

And I think that if you’re on a date, you should just randomly blurt out this:

Finally, the next time you suggest filling up a kiddie pool with lemonade from the beverage isle while still at Walmart and someone says, “But we have to drive 5 hours at least to get to the nearest place that even has the suffix ‘mart’ in its name,” scream this:

And that, my friends, is how you do a weekend. Now can you please give me some new Twitter accounts to read? These 3 guys above just filed restraining orders on me.

Feature Image shot by Matt Irwin for

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  • Soulofashopper

    hahahaa is it too weird that I actually laughed at the band-aid joke? 😉
    xx, Alma

  • YES funny Twitter accounts are my forte.

    This one takes bad taxidermy jobs and adds funny captions:

    And then he’s funny:

    And so is he:

    This one is the Twitter account of a pillow:

    Aaaaannd that’s what I could think of in about 5 minutes gtg enjoy the tweets

  • hahaha love these accounts. so much better than mine which is dedicated to getting aaron paul and lena dunham to talk to me.

  • And then you could also play the game “I Really Hope That Was a Joke, or Else!”

    • ee_by_cc

      Just spit out my coffee laughing. Reminds me of Da Ali G show segments, wish that show would come back on the air.

  • Aubrey Green

    ahahahaha. “Screaming at the birds, so they know they are not safe”

  • DawnRKnight

    Since most people don’t know the full song by heart, Jess usually got away with this. But on a fateful Thursday at our college brewsky haunt, dear Jessica met her match when her opponent said, “…I’ve heard that before.”

    • Amelia Diamond

      That’s so funny I said the same exact thing!!!

  • Ahahaha, these are great! I can’t stop laughing about the bucket of chicken one. Also, lol to the Sarah Palin tweet below.

    — Michelle |

  • Lindsay Truax

    Love the bee joke!!

  • Hahaha amazing. Definitely copping the “it’s not a competition” comeback for the next freak who tells me to love spiders (I KNOW they eat mosquitoes. I KNOW THAT.).

  • this is hilarious! i started laughing at the acca-gust joke and didn’t stop ’till i scrolled to the bottom! followed all these hilarious guys!

  • Shelby Louise

    Great post, but I don’t know how you guys can expect me to last a whole day in the office with only one post. I feel deprived.

  • The band-aid one is totally accurate too, even the pink plastic ones are always darker than my skin 🙁 Where did you find these hilarious Twitter-ers, Amelia?!

  • Sara

    Hahaha I love this.

  • Ketty

    Brave Girls shouting without without any kind of fear. really fell your presence. looking beautiful.

    Cheap Brazilian Body Wave Hair

  • František Makula


  • Alexandra Puffer

    Using allll of these. Thanks for the fun! Have a lovely lovely weekend.

    Warm regards,

  • mercy
  • Andres Poiche
  • hahahha ..this post cures my grinny lines on

  • Hair to hips

    In case you want to grow natural and healthy
    hair please visit my blog, i’m just beginning but it would mean a lot! Thank
    you!!! Kisses from Barcelona!

  • Kleidmo

    I love the bird joke. So funny! Love reading your blog!

  • regina de luna

    I will never get tired of saying that I love Amelia´s writing style.